To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

Have you spoken to your sister and actually explained what you need from her?

I certainly wouldn’t be looking after him again. I think you should give yourself a day or two to calm down and then decide what works for you for Christmas. If you want to go to your partner’s family then do it, otherwise go to your family; only you can weigh the pros and cons but don’t try to decide while your emotions are so high.
I also think you should step away from this thread in which some people seem to be reacting very defensively. Autism isn’t an excuse for assault.

I find some (not most) of the comments absolutely mind boggling. My DD no longer has a cat as her DS put him into the tumble dryer and switched it on. Yes, he has autism, yes he's a child, yes his comprehension levels and definitely empathy isn't on par with children's his age...

But it is at times quite terrifying. My DD had expressed she was worried that at some point he'll stab her or one of his siblings in the night. They now have a lock on the kitchen door, keep knives separate (he's 6).

The issue is if you play into the remit of 'oh, they have additional needs, no they don't understand'. Then most times you're doing the child a pure disservice if they do actually understand. Nobody wants to be the parent crying because they can't have their 20yr old living at home because they're a risk to others. But it happens all the time!

If you fail to install understandable boundaries whilst a ND child who can comprehend them is young. Then they're going to bounce around the system, living in hostels, going to prison, and getting less support long term because their parents made excuses to the point they no longer could.

I don’t know OP, I’ve read all your posts and I very much get the impression that you’ve gone and got yourself lost on that power trip you’re on.

You keep repeating how terrified you now are of your nephew, but you seem far more upset that your sister didn’t deal with the situation in the exact way you wanted her to, and now you’re issuing ultimatums to try and force your sister into dealing with the situation in the exact way that you want her to.

I get the sense of exaggeration in your posts, especially the comments about the police, and the photograph of your “injuries”.

I don’t actually know what it is you expect your sister to do here. I don’t know much about autism, but I know enough to understand that your sister has probably dealt with it in the most appropriate way. She isn’t going to put you before her son OP, it’s just not going to happen.

I hope you're OK @IGrewUpInTheFallOut - this sounds really traumatic, it must have been terrifying and I totally understand why you feel unsupported by your sister and mum's lack of empathy.

I understand you OP and I have an autistic 15 y old who is not capable of attending mainstream schooling but does absolutely understand what's right or wrong. If your nephew is capable of attending mainstream school and behave he knows that what he did was wrong and should be regretful and apologise to you. My teen has been violent at times with me when a bit younger and he can still lash out and call me horrible names and scream and kick the walls when overwhelmed. When he's calmed down he always cries and regrets it and says sorry a million times. I do not understand why your sister doesn't discipline him; not punishing him but have a serious talk about how he hurt and scared you and tell him to apologise. It's the bare minimum.

As things are she's not dealing with this is in a smart way because I imagine you are the only one who would babysit him. I sure don't have anyone who I could ask because he has got routines and I know how to prevent and calm down outbursts. So it's her loss if she doesn't care enough about your feelings to educate her son.

I hope you do know that it had nothing to do with you though (him biting you). But I am so sorry that it happened.💐

This thread has the same undertone as “how much had you had to drink and what were you wearing?” When a woman is sexually assaulted.

If your nephew is anything like my son, he won't respond to punitive punishment at all and it will more than likely feed the shame cycle because I bet he feels horrible about ir.

The nephew can absolutely write his aunt an apology note/card. It’s not punitive punishment to ask him to do that

You don't sound like you understand much about autism, as you keep referencing the fact that he is "capable" and in mainstream. Every person with autism is different, however, most have an emotional age normally a few years below their chronological age. Can I ask what research you have done to be able to understand your nephew and his behaviours more?

The sister is more worried about losing her nights out rather than OP’s safety.

There is no point in OP doing research if her safety is not important to her sister, it’s better OP keeps away.

The sister has told OP no apology will be forthcoming. So that’s no apology from nephew and no apology from the sister.

She isn’t going to put you before her son OP, it’s just not going to happen.

OP doesn’t want to be put before the son, she just wants not to be used as the nephew’s punch bag whilst his mum is having her nights out.

That is not unreasonable.

"He displays none of this aggression to men."

What men are you talking about? His dad walked out so he's being raised by women and is around women the vast majority of the time. It's also extremely common for autistic young people to spend so much effort and energy masking in other settings that they are more likely to experience overwhelm/ lash out etc at home where they are safe and loved. That's not him 'targeting women' and its unfair to suggest that it is. You have no way of knowing whether he'd be equally aggressive to a father figure if he had one. And it's unfair to equate an overwhelmed and distressed autistic person with a misogynistic intentional abuser. Which is what your post is essentially doing.

Op has the means to enter into this situation or not, to engage in a relationship here or not. That's entirely within her control. But her dsis's priority is going to be her child's needs which is why she hasn't pointlessly disciplined him in order to appease ops feelings.

I don’t expect her to put him before me. I just want her to acknowledge how serious this is and make me feel like she would take action if he did it again

OP doesn’t want to be put before the son, she just wants not to be used as the nephew’s punch bag whilst his mum is having her nights out.

That just isn’t the impression that I get of the situation at all.

It’s really starting to feel like that. Being told i’m exaggerating because it “doesn’t look that bad”, that I’m dramatic and hysterical. I’m really shocked and to be honest a little upset

Please give an example of how the OP expected to come before the sisters son?

You think a child with a disability shouldn't be a priority?

No, you're quite right, it won't just switch off when he reaches 18, but this is where it is the parents job (and extended family too if possible) to help teach them managing strategies. My son was extremely disregulated when younger, throwing things - sometimes at me -screaming, shouting. It was horrific and I worried for his future BUT with research, different managing techniques, new learning environment and the fact he is now a mid teen with more autonomy, we are in a fastly better place and I don't worry so much.

Agree with this. Some appalling replies here minimising an act of violence. I don’t blame you one bit for feeling this way OP. It’s horrendous.

I'm autistic and get overwhelmed a lot, I can guarantee if I bit any of the posters excusing the nephews biting they'd ring the police on me ..... very much doubt they'd excuse me biting them because I'm autistic and overwhelmed

Absolutely! If OP had posted as a member of the public and stated a teenager had run up to her and bit her small child's arm?... Literally 100% it would be "ring the police", they're a danger to the public. No shits given about autism or anything else.

But because she's an adult and his Aunt, then it's basically her fault he's a dick? And I say dick because this clearly isn't a very low functioning child. They are absolutely fine to go about their daily life being apparently a dick.

This is not OP's problem. It's terrible she's basically being gaslighted that a knobhead teenager should be given absolution for their own crap actions.

The sister has dealt with her son in the most appropriate way for his condition, yet the OP is issuing her sister with ultimatums to force her into dealing with her son in a way that the OP sees fit, which is not appropriate or suitable for a child with autism.

Yes of course he should be apologising when he is calm, I didn't see where OP's sister said no apology would be coming. My point was punishing him wouldn't do much if like he's anything like my son, it just made everything so much worse.

There are several things here and it isn’t clear cut. The situation is being shockingly mismanaged.

Autistic kids struggle with transitioning between different things/activities/events. Even more so when one of those things is like crack cocaine (iPad - especially to an autistic boy). This is autism 101. Is your sister not aware or did she not tell you? I would expect a very angry reaction if I told an autistic teen boy with issues that necessitated control via sport to just put the ipad down and go to sleep. That doesn’t mean it was ok to bite you, but it is quite clearly part of the reason that you got bitten so badly. The way that your sister should have told you to handle the situation was to calmly knock on his door in advance of the time that he needed to stop iPad and let him know that in approximately 15-30 minutes or whatever, it would be time to start getting ready for bed. I would have checked with him that it was sufficient time to finish his video or whatever and if not, I would have made an agreement that ok, if the video has 35 mins to run, I will come back up after 35 mins and check. I also don’t think I would have left him to his own devices for a very long time. I would have gone to check on him earlier in the evening, perhaps seeing if he was ok by asking did he want water or whatever. To be quite honest, I think that simply telling him to put the ipad down and go to bed was like taking a plate of food from a pitbull half way through a meal. I’m not saying that to be offensive - I have an autistic teen ds. And I love dogs.

That said, now that he has bitten you in a hard and sustained manner, your sister/mother response is not acceptable. Your sister needs to make him understand that what he did was absolutely terrifying, painful and actually criminal. And that aunt OP could go to the police if she wanted.

I personally think he probably wouldn’t hurt his sister because she would subconsciously have learnt how not to trigger this kind of reaction, but growing up in the household.

I think that you should quite reasonably say that you are unable to babysit in the future because you do not have the skills or experience to look after your nephew. I’m not saying that to be rude to you, it’s just factual and it avoids a statement such as “he is dangerous” or whatever. I wouldn’t say it until you are asked to babysit. There’s no point in having argument if she hasn’t asked you to babysit.

I think that you probably should attend Christmas if you otherwise would like to. He is not going to hurt you when your sister and mother are there supervising him. The problem occurred because your sister left you in charge when he was already in a state and with no/shit instructions. In addition, his father having done a runner just compounds the situation. Utterly appalling behaviour.

Your arm will be OK, I expect a decent bruise will come up and it will take a good few days to go down.

Nasty but it doesn't look like he broke the skin. I wouldn't be doing any more baby sitting or being alone with him, but family Christmas and other gatherings should be fine, keep your distance from him if you are worried.

It’s actually disgusting and I’m sorry you’re being told, by women, that you should basically just shut the fuck up and accept being physically assaulted by a family member.

I think what you need is your sister to acknowledge that wha happened was unacceptable and she understands how it’s shaken you up.

I can tell from the posts on here I’m going to be flamed for this but I think the mum was dismissive and took the easy way out of ‘he’s autistic’ like that justifies it and everyone just has to say ok and accept it. I have adhd and 3 of my children have autism 1 also adhd and they are all completely different and have to be approached differently that’s valid but they also need to be held accountable.
If the mum said I spoke to him explained how his reaction was unacceptable reiterated the coping techniques he should have used that we’ve practiced and explained how he hurt you and that he needs to apologise the aunt would be feeling a lot better.
whether the boy is 2 inches taller or shorter than his aunt really makes no difference to the fright of going in to a loved one to say goodnight and being attacked out of the blue being hurt and not being able to stop it.
i would 100% stand firm that i was no longer babysitting and your sister not getting a night off is her consequence to dismissing the behaviour.
Realistically you’re probably not going to be attacked at Xmas but I understand the human emotion of not wanting to be around your nephew and being angry. If you think you’ll have a good time go and be with family, if you think you’re going to be sitting there on edge and annoyed at your sister go with your partner. It’s your Xmas aswell as everyone else’s do what will make you happy.

I'm not sure if anyone else has said this but how could it be so sore that it can't have water over it, and so insignificant that you didn't really think about it or take a photo of it on the night it happened.
I would say don't go to Christmas give the poor child a break from you.