To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

If he is taller no way would you say ‘nearly the same height as me’. You would say ‘taller than me’. You absolutely know ‘almost the same height’ is what people would say about someone slightly shorter than them

"Since going into kickboxing he’s been nearly at a neurotypical level of functioning". I bet he never bit and will never bite any of his sparring partners or indeed anyone in his kickboxing class.

Threads like this always go the same way. Those with violent ND children become so desensitised to their behaviour that they expect others to not only brush off being attacked, but have empathy for their attacker. The nephew hasn’t even been asked to apologise! Like others have said, God forbid he gets a girlfriend because she’d undoubtedly become a victim of abuse.

OP, don’t babysit him again and steer clear of your family this Christmas. Your sister and mum have created a very unhealthy dynamic in which you are collateral damage.

I would attend Christmas but no more babysitting with him on my own.

All the posters saying go for Christmas, why should she? I think she feels unsupported, frightened and is clearly still in shock. I can’t imagine how stressful it would be for the OP to cope with being around family who she does not trust. Add a nephew who may also have problems coping on the day because Christmas is not part of his everyday routine.

Good god what a load of drama.

It’s very clear that all perspective has been lost, and the OP has escalated this situation so far that she’s looking like a bit of a tit in the process.

Let’s look at the facts.

The OP babysat her nephew who is autistic. When she went to tell him to go to bed he lashed out and bit her. So far, so not acceptable and there’s no question he was in the wrong, regardless of whether he’s autistic, and that that behaviour should be able to be managed in the longer term.

But now the OP has turned it into how terrified she was all night, how terrified she is to be around him at Christmas, maybe the police ought to be involved, she doesn’t feel comfortable being around him any more because he’s clearly going to be after her while she’s passing the gravy boat across the table.

But all of this only applies because the sister won’t remove his screen time.

Let’s be honest here.

Either the OP is terrified of this child to the extent she’s prepared to go NC with the family, or she’s not.

And considering she’s prepared to let bygones be bygones upon removal of the iPad it seems pretty clear that she’s not, and that this is just a good reason she’s using to walk away from them all.

It’s one thing to say that you won’t babysit a child who is prone to violence, using a child as an excuse not to go to Christmas is disgusting.

Do you think if she was around and he attacked you she wouldn’t do anything?

has she ever demonstrated this before? It’s a massive leap to think she would stand back whilst he was assaulting you and just watch

At the moment no, I don’t think she would do anything, because she is writing this off like it’s no big deal and it’s excused because he didn’t want to go to bed.

My daughter is autistic and used to bite me. And punch me and kick me. Shes couldn’t control it as she was in meltdown. I never punished her.

Asking him to go to bed is a demand, and autistic people are often demand avoidant. Asking to pass something at dinner isn’t so would unlikely have the same response.

This.

"It’s one thing to say that you won’t babysit a child who is prone to violence, using a child as an excuse not to go to Christmas is disgusting."

What? Disgusting? I wouldn't quite say 'any reason' is OK to not got to Christmas with relatives, but it's not compulsory actually and violence is a pretty good reason not to go.

I’ve always referred to it both ways. Apologies if it was unclear.

It’s not didn’t want to go to bed. Transitions are hard and so are demands, often especially every day ones. It’s why bedtime routines are so important.

You don’t really understand autism.

My sister and I live in the same big city.
We had a disagreement in 2014 and haven’t seen each other since.
Even though we live in the same city.
I miss her so much - she’s all I have, and even though I’ve apologised for my part in the disagreement, Sis is very unforgiving.
I guess she feels as though she can do without one less person who loves her in her life.
I cannot.

So search your heart and make absolutely sure that this one incident is worth saying goodbye to your sister forever.
You COULD, however, simply refuse to babysit any more because this has really upset you.

For me, I need all the people who love me around me that I can get. You don’t have to babysit if you don’t want to - but please don’t block out your sister - sending love from a sister who got blocked out. ❤️

It’s still not an excuse for assault?

Agreed. OP has a partner, surely it would be expected that at some point she would want to spend Christmas with him?

I'd have phoned her straightaway & told her to get herself home.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated

And yet she still went away.

How will Christmas be ruined if you're not there?

For all those people who are saying the OP is wrong because she clearly doesn’t understand autism, the poor lamb was overstimulated, he mustn’t be punished because he can’t control himself etc; what happens if in 4 years time, the now 18 year old bites someone at work or on the train because he’s unregulated?

Is the victim just supposed to accept that and get on with their lives? Is the judge supposed to “tut tut” and send him on his way?

Yes, that's right. The OP must be lying or at least exaggerating.

I believe the same thing used to be said of rape victims.

"You don’t really understand autism."

More victim blaming. If there are specific things to do for bed time, it's up to the youth's parent to let OP know, not for her to guess!

The priority is not understanding autism, the priority is ensuring OP’s safety from a male who only lashes out at women, never men.

I have autistic teens and am probably autistic myself. I really don't think it matters why he is attacking her. He is attacking her. She doesn't have to try to understand. Her priority is her safety and health, and that is understandable. If you attack me, I don't care why, the fact is I will do what it takes to protect myself from attack.

And why should the OP do any of this? Frankly I wouldn’t give a fuck about the needs of anyone who bit me. My personal safety would be my priority and I probably would’ve had a reflex reaction of punching them in the face. The last thing I would feel inclined to do is try and “understand” them. I wouldn’t be seeing him or your sister again if it was me. I’m sorry, but if autistic people inclined to this kind of behaviour want to live and succeed in society they need to learn this isn’t acceptable. It isn’t up to other people to just tolerate being attacked ffs.

I told op to stop babysitting and make her decisions to prioritize her safety. I simply said she has no right to be involved in discipline decisions. They are separate issues.

if the parent’s do a good job, the behavior will get better. If they don’t, then the child will never be able to integrate. OP can keep her distance either way.

Makes no difference whether she has a partner or not. She can do whatever she wants on Christmas Day, especially if a member of the family is violent without any apology or consequences.