To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

Well the consensus in this house is that you are being entirely reasonable.
You are being manipulated for everyone else’s good but your own.
Go and have Christmas with your DPs family. It’ll cost you less and you won’t have to deal with this bollocks. Personally I wouldn’t think you were unreasonable if you did a police report.

any more but is it because you're scared of being hurt by him again, or because you're angry with him, or because you're pissed off with your sister?

exactly. The real issue is that OP is angry with all three of them . She's (understandable) angry with her nephew for hurting her and does not accept his being "disregulated" as an excuse.
And she's taken the way that her sister has chosen to handle it with her child (and her mum for backing them up) as evidence that they have taken his side and don't care about her , so now she's angry with them too. So now she's refusing to go for Christmas. That's what this is about- not safety.

No. When he finally let go he sort of turned around and to be honest I bolted, I left his door half shut and got myself into the room I was staying in because I was so scared

Has your sister actually said "I'm sorry you got bitten while helping me" or anything like that? That would make a difference to me.

"Therefore he would have lost capacity in that moment" the bar for that in the big bad real world is extremely high. Autism might be considered a mitigating factor but to show lost capacity they'd have to prove something like a complete psychotic break.

I do, however, agree that calling the police over this is not a good idea.

I think you could definitely be doing more to inform yourself and you'd probably be better equipped to set him up for success around you by doing that.

If you have the means to be more informed to support your sister and your nephew then i personally think you should be trying to take all the learning you can get.

I disagree, the priority is OP and her safety. The nephew is safe in his home, where he has been violent and aggressive to / around his mum, sister and aunt. He displays none of this aggression to men.

The nephew is not the priority, OP’s safety is.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I'm also worried about your niece.

Me too. I really am because what if next time my sister just leaves her with him? Then what? It terrifies me

My 'if ever' comment was referring to people who are autistic and have severe learning disabilities who will probably never be able to completely self-regulate. ASD covers a very wide spectrum these days.

I also just wanted to add, don't be fooled into thinking because a SEND child is in mainstream education it means anything at all in relation to how their asd affects them or their academic ability/levels of understanding. Lots of SEND children are dumped in completely unsuitable mainstream settings when they should be in specialist, or in mainstream with no support at all from education or health services when they would actually greatly benefit from it (Not saying that's the case here, just a general comment).

I’m sorry you experienced this op. I’m also sorry your family aren’t supporting you. I would never babysit him again. Fuck that, it sounds terrifying, and he’s only going to get bigger and stronger, just no. If that makes things difficult for your sister, well I’m sorry but she can’t guarantee your safety, and doesn’t seem bothered to try.
Christmas is up to you. I wouldn’t go if it was me, I’d go to my partners where I could relax.

no. She said she’d speak to him and then explained why he did it and said in her mind that’s that.

I was bitten by an autistic child and it occurred because they felt very stressed at that moment and couldn't verbalise it or deal with it in any other way.
Personally I probably wouldn't mention it again, but I definitely wouldn't look after him alone and if asked I would explain that I don't feel able to handle it should anything go wrong. I would still do Christmas.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to say, "Sorry Sis, son is now bigger and stronger than me and I wasn't able to defend myself when he was overstimulated last time. I won't be babysitting again."

If my safety is in question, I don't care what the circumstance is, or what underlying factors there are, I'll protect myself by avoiding it. Maybe it will wake sister up that her son is getting bigger and a solution needs to be worked on. I don't think discipline is necessarily the answer, but maybe she can get some professional advice on what to do before he gets older and really gets in trouble.

But if he loses screen time you would be willing to be around him. Can you see how nonsensical this is? Either you are terrified for your safety or you aren’t. But you are saying if he lost screen time or missed a kickboxing class so you feel important enough to then then you’d be willing to siege Christmas with them all. It makes no sense

Is it beyond the capability of your nephew to apologise (even if he was dysregulated in the moment) with his mum's support? He recognises he 'lashed out'. At the least your Dsis could show some concern for you. That must have been awful. I don't blame you for not wanting to see them for a while. Certainly don't babysit for now. Christmas is trickier but you have choices.

I did wonder if there was any warning given that bedtime was approaching. It’s the sudden switch from technology to bed which triggered this. Autistic yp/ kids are notorious for finding transitions impossible and need to be eased towards it

Not OP’s fault at all but this sudden request to go to bed with no warning was never going to go well plus it being another caretaker

Absolutely but the op wants the child to be punished further for an overwhelm behaviour which any parent of a asd child knows would have absolutely no impact on whether it happened again.
I also read that the parent had supported the child to have an outlet to help manage and regulate their emotions which had been successful.
I agree op shouldn’t babysit. It’s likely the mum really wants the respite but it’s not fair on the op or the child.

To be honest if I was attacked by a 14yr old I would be pretty shaken too. Many 14yr olds are as big as if not bigger than me.

Your sister may want to shut this down but if he attacks a stranger he could find himself in real trouble.Either with the law or the person or family of the person he has attacked.

I'm not surprised many on this thread are not backing you but I am surprised your family are not showing more concern for you.

100% this and the majority of the posters here are falling into the same one dimensional mode of thinking.
The sister's life has been difficult and the OP has benn kind enough to try and lessen her burden by babysitting. A nearly grown boy who behaves well with sports instructors and is well regulated enough to be in mainstream education bites Op without provocation and it is OP who is being cast as the difficult one. That boy bites and behaves badly with mum, sister and aunt but not elsewhere because he gets away with it. OP, stand your ground. 14 year old boys, autistic or not, need to get the message that hurting women and girls is simply not on.

Fear and flight was a perfectly reasonable response. There have been several cases of nephews killing aunts. I’m not saying he would do that (before the scoffing starts), but the rates of femicide are increasing at pace and women’s safety should always be a priority. You are perfectly reasonable in whichever way you ensure that, including avoiding him at Christmas.

In the future and in the public sphere this male grabs a woman, holds a woman and bites a woman do you think the judge should take your last remark
"punishing his behaviour won't change it" into consideration?

Do you think it would be wrong for him to be punished because it wouldn't change his behaviour?

I hope not but judging from the many posters who seem to think that he has a cast iron reason-I would call it an excuse-I wouldn't be surprised.

What a world we women must live in if a violent male, who can say he is autistic and was over stimulated, can expect not to be punished and even sympathised with.

God help us.

I agree with you in that and have seen several non-verbal children in nappies in mainstream. It's not quite the norm though. I think it's obvious that the OP was trying to show her nephew is cognitively mainstream ability. It is difficult to get this across because we don't use functioning labels anymore (for good reason).

It seems from everything the OP has posted that her nephew is unlikely to have learning disabilities which would significantly reduce his capacity.

I don’t know how many more times I can say that it’s because I’d see my sister taking action which makes me feel a little more ready that she takes it seriously and would step in if anything happened when she was around.

She is trying to groom you into being his punching bag.

He sounds very dangerous. If there are no consequences for him biting you then of course he could do it again or worse. Even if he is autistic that is not carte blanche to bite people. I can't believe your family isn't taking this assault seriously and is blaming you. You don't have to accept being assaulted or be around him any more. I definitely wouldn't go for Christmas. Maybe it will give them pause to think about how this boy - who is adult-sized and trained in martial arts - could end up seriously injuring someone and going to prison if they don't tackle this behaviour. I hope you recover soon. I would be very shaken.