To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

I wonder how he copes with confrontation at work... there cant be many jobs in NHS 2025 that doesnt have some level of confrontation. Does he go red in the face and shut people down then... or is it just with you? Think about that..
I would be finding out as much as I can about finances and banking etc... it is not respectful or healthy to have one partner in a marriage be intimidated like this. And you are being intimidated... whether you can face that fact or not. You are an adult and 50% of ALL of the finances, money, mortgage is yours.

He's not sensitive. These are the tactics of a controlling husband. He's using emotional blackmail to shut you up.

@Frazzled89 I do wish you the best of luck with your difficult conversation with your husband. If he continues to use his usual tactics of shouting you down and getting upset to try and avoid answering your very reasonable questions, please do contact one of the domestic abusve charities for advice. At the very least, this is financial abuse although I strongly suspect that he is abusive in other ways.

He will also use the classic tactics of abusive husbands/partners everywhere by using DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) when they are confronted about their behaviour.

Just because it's a new build and a new mortgage 3 years ago doesn't mean it hasn't now been paid off. You have said you don't know the details, so maybe he paid the majority of the house with the sale of the house with the ex and had a low mortgage to pay which he has now done so.

Alternatively I wondered whether he had fully sold the other properly and is reluctant for you to see that he still has it.

There have been so many posts I can't remember now how you came to the decision to give him money anyway. It sounds like he has a high paid job in the NHS and therefore should be covering everything.

Both the home ownership and job however do seem very suspicious as these are the two things he gets angry about when questioned. Surely a normal person talks about their work, would moan if their contract had changed to work both weekends days and tell their partner how frustrated they were.

Him saying it will mess up for mortgage is ridiculous, half a day won't make any difference. Especially if he is asking you to give up your work. He is being extremely unreasonable

I can also vouch for this. I work in the Industry and it's a lie. If anything a lender would demand you to be on there, not off

He’s a nasty twat. He’s happy enough to take your money but won’t tell you anything. You’ve said your father was a shouty bully, well so is this one.

But the most important thing is - get proper contraception. Implant, coil, whatever you can deal with - you are under ZERO obligation to have another child.

YANBU to want to have a weekend as a family, not at all. Stick to your guns, mate.

@Frazzled89 go to the Land Registry wesite (in private browsing) and get a copy of the title of your current property and the previous property too to see who the named owner is and to see whether there is charge against the property from the mortgage company.

As you are married, you do have an interest in the property and a solicitor can register this for you to stop him being able to go through with a sale without your consent. It is really important that you do this (without his knowledge). If he dies, you could be homeless, he sounds the type to leave it to someone other than you in his Will.

You also have some power that you can use as a bargaining tool, first is the money that you transfer each month. Second is divorce, that would sort out the problem of being destitute when he dies, you can have what you are entitled to now instead.

Most importantly, he sounds like a fucking awful person and you need to get ice cold to deal with him. You are very young, with lots of possibilities ahead of you.

Things are def not right - you aren’t on the mortgage but you pay half - so I would insist on seeing some paperwork

yes as married you would get half of house if split but need to be on deeds

it is bullshit him saying he can’t add you and complicated etc

he sounds controlling and def don’t get preg again

This is excellent advice 👏🏼👏🏼

This comment is correct. Your husband has lied to you. No bank refuses someone because their earnings are too low, there are literally millions of stay at home mums and dads that are on a mortgage despite having zero income.

You both needed to be with the bank to discuss this so he processed this application on his own and lied to you.

A bank could refuse someone on the mortgage if they had a poor credit score, but if you weren’t there to sign paperwork then they couldn’t have done a credit score on you.

I don’t think it’s a major issue as you are married and you are contributing to the mortgage so it is likely to be deemed a marital asset in the event of divorce, but his actions here sound dodgy. His actions in this regard as well as no shared bank accounts are just setting you up to be the victim of financial abuse should things take a turn for the worse. You need a bit more protection financially in my opinion, such as to be joined on his main bank account as well as on the mortgage.

It’s an awkward situation to ascertain whether or not you are being unreasonable or not, as it does sound like he works hard for the family, but if he is saying you give up your work, then that should come with you going and join on all of his accounts so you can be a partnership for the first time.

This would solve a lot of the concerns raised here and put you in a better position both as an individual and as a family.

I don't understand why you're being so deliberately dense about this. She has a 7 and 5 year old who'd presumably be at school during the week but home all day at weekends, making weekends harder. 2 year old I'm not sure what schedule is but regardless.
Surely this should be clear?

As Parker Posey so eloquently said on White Lotus, “honey, why are you with this middle aged weirdo? Does he have a lot of money?”. In your case, it seems he does not so why the hell are you allowing yourself to be treated like some domestic servant and breeder? He sounds awful and very controlling.

Does he have the kids whilst you work?

OP I feel for you.
YANBU to want extra help at the weekend. Three young DC is a lot.
A pp made a good suggestion about moving this thread to the relationships board.
I would also suggest you try the money matters board for advice re finances. I think your H is lying to you about what the bank says - the mortgage will not be affected if you earn more, only if you earn less.
Next time you have to renew the mortgage - GO WITH HIM. Find childcare somehow and go.
Last thing - organise your own contraception. You can’t trust him.
Good luck

YANBU

So he doesnt spend time with you all as a family and may want a 4th child? Are you mad?

He's probably not being truthful tbh. Noone is forced to work every weekend, so why does he work every weekend?

You're not in a partnership relationship, are you?

I have reduced a day at work. I have not had to be reassessed for my mortgage and it didn’t cross my mind to even tell them. I actually don’t trust a word that your husband says.

Just quietly take your time to understand your situation and see what his response is to your suggestions.

Family time at weekends was everything to us. We both love spending time with our kids and now we have lots of good memories as they have just left home.

And quite frankly, at 51 he is too old to have another baby.

This doesn't sound like an equal partnership, he shouldn't be working any weekends if possible, if not possible he should be working as few as possible, he has childcare responsibilities. He sounds stingy with money as well. You should own that house 50/50. I don't believe that he has to work weekends and I don't believe he can't put you on the deeds, I think he's lying to you because he wants to opt out of parenting and keep the house for himself.

And the cheek of him suggesting another baby.

As long as mortgage is paid the bank doesn’t care If you change jobs - get a pay decrease etc

it’s only when you remortgage it comes into play and then adding you means more income so the fact he keeps saying the bank says no is a total lie

Please don't hesitate to contact the national domestic abuse charities.
Because of the Coercive control in your relationship, they will likely advise that you talk to the police.

No doubt he targeted you from the very beginning.
Because of the abuse, if you did involve the police, legal aid could be free.
Something to think about.

As well as being on the mortgage, you need to be on the deeds as well or you will only have ownership of the debt and not the asset!

At the very least, you should register your Home Rights to the property with The Land Registry.

Did he ever ask you to sign any paperwork when he bought the house? I’m concerned that you may have signed something to declare you have no interest in the property. My ds had to do this when I mortgaged as he was over 18 and still living at home.

Oh dear... this is messy relationship.
You're not on the mortgage and never will be because he doesn't want you to be because he is hiding something.

Same as he works weekends because it suits him to, again maybe because he's hiding something.

You are in a very controlling relationship, you just can't see it.

I find your situation very concerning. I would not give up your job. You will have 0 independence and those days will be spent doing even more work at home. It sounds to me like you have little control in this relationship as it is. You’re married with small children you need to understand your financial situation. I do not believe that you could not be on the mortgage. If he can get a mortgage in his name alone it’s logical you could get one together with your added salary. That doesnt add up. I feel you are in a vulnerable situation. Please don’t have any more children with this man who it seems is never around for the children that he already has (or his wife). This is not a supportive healthy relationship.

Outright lie. You don't inform the bank if your job changes - they dont care. They care you pay what was in rhe contract agreed at the time. They only reassess income if you remortgage and even then if you stay with the same lender they often dont bother.

This is one of the most clear-cut examples of financial abuse I’ve seen in a long time. The number of red flags here is honestly shocking.

⚪️The age gap
⚪️His push for you to have another child while insisting the mortgage is about to increase
⚪️His push for you to have another child despite not spending real family time with the children he already has
⚪️His raised voice and shouting when you ask reasonable questions (which is meant to discourage you from asking again)
⚪️His comfort with you paying half, yes half, toward a mortgage you’re not named on even though you earn only a third of what he does

In your responses you sound exhausted and worn down, and it makes sense. He has made you feel as though the power imbalance in your relationship is normal. My love, it isn’t, and you deserve far better.

You’ve already received some excellent advice in this thread. Please don’t accept this treatment. Life is far too short for this kind of misery.