Page 16 | To ask OH not to work every weekend?

Frazzled89 · 2025-11-30T15:58:35+00:00

New poster. Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on. I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts. He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance. AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

IdaGlossop · 04/12/2025 20:28

EuclidianGeometryFan · 04/12/2025 12:05

OP,
A lot of posters here are angry on your behalf, because it is horrible to read about women being controlled and lied to in this day and age.
But the posters here are not living your life - you are.
Yes, your marriage is not equal, but you decide when and how you will take any action. You have low self-esteem. Don't let anyone here bully you.

My advice would be:
Don't rush. No need to push things with him and cause angry scenes. Go at your own pace. Take time to think.
You absolutely have to make sure you don't get pregnant again. See your GP about your options - this is the one thing you have to do very urgently.

Then - accept that he wants to work all weekend, so doesn't want to spend time as a family. There is nothing you can do about this. You can't force a man to spend time with you or the DC.

Then - try to get more money for yourself, either by reducing what you give him, or getting him to pay for more things, or increasing your work.

You don't need your DH permission to increase your hours at work - providing you can sort out childcare, or if you only do nights when he is at home anyway.
So sort it out with your employer and just tell him it is happening.
Don't ask - tell him. That is part of getting more equality and self-esteem.

Then, when you have more money, learn to drive.

You are legally married, so all his secret savings and all the house and his pension are joint. You are protected.
Don't worry too much about the mortgage and deeds - the situation is not fair and equal, but as long as he doesn't die suddenly (fingers crossed he is in good health) that is not something you need to sort out immediately.

You might be better off staying married than getting divorced with three young children. Only you can decide that.

Assuming you are not intending to jump to divorce, I would spend the next decade whilst the DC are growing up improving your own position.
Learn more about how the world works, including money.
Improve your career - study or do training. Think a few years ahead - will you want to eventually change jobs? This will be easier as the DC get older.

If you stay in the marriage, watch for little signs of inequality, those times when he treats you like a child or you treat him like your parent or boss. No need to cause arguments, just watch and notice and concentrate on growing your confidence in yourself.

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Such a compassionate and wise post. OP could also start keeping a diary/journal reflecting on the things she is doing and how they are helping grow her confidence.

Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 10:12

Well I can't find a mortgage contract anywhere. Am I right in thinking it would be from the bank? Sorry stupid question I know!

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Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 11:13

AutumnLover1989 · 04/12/2025 09:00

I can't work due to illness and I'm on the mortgage 🤷‍♂️

Is he definitely working these weekends?

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Yes I am definitely sure he is.

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sammyspoon · 05/12/2025 12:53

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 10:12

Well I can't find a mortgage contract anywhere. Am I right in thinking it would be from the bank? Sorry stupid question I know!

It would be from a bank or building society but not necessarily the same bank as your current accounts etc. If you can’t find it it seems like he might be hiding it. Pretty much all our banking is online without paper, but mortgage stuff we do keep in paper form.

Ludinous · 05/12/2025 15:19

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2025 08:26

Would you pay towards a mortgage if you aren't on the mortgage and aren't on the deeds and when your husband lied to you at the point of applying for that mortgage, telling her that because she worked part-time, she couldn't go on the mortgage which is patently untrue.

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I absolutely would pay towards a mortgage of I was married and living in the house. 100% absolutely I would. Because it's my home too and I'm part of the family. I think it's crazy that people see living your life and having a family as some sort of financial game or gamble. What sort of sad marriage do you need to have to be more upset about money than the loss of a marriage (if it were to come to that). That being said I would be upset about the being lied to, I can't argue against that but as I've said in other posts I have first hand experience and currently have a married couple who are friends who are going through this exact problem of not being able to be added to a mortgage.

Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 15:55

Ludinous · 05/12/2025 15:19

I absolutely would pay towards a mortgage of I was married and living in the house. 100% absolutely I would. Because it's my home too and I'm part of the family. I think it's crazy that people see living your life and having a family as some sort of financial game or gamble. What sort of sad marriage do you need to have to be more upset about money than the loss of a marriage (if it were to come to that). That being said I would be upset about the being lied to, I can't argue against that but as I've said in other posts I have first hand experience and currently have a married couple who are friends who are going through this exact problem of not being able to be added to a mortgage.

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You've posted a few times now, and with all due respect I can't tell if your being genuine. Your friend's situation is completely different as I have said before. I'm pretty sure I would be able to be added to the mortgage from what other posters have said, there is more to this as well as I my H is very secretive of his finances, and did not wish to share access to his money when I was a SAHM. He is extremely careful about money so that could be the reason why, im not saying he's controlling or a bad person. I also never moaned about paying the mortgage, I am happy too. My post was about working every single weekend without trying to reach a compromise.

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Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 16:07

sammyspoon · 05/12/2025 12:53

It would be from a bank or building society but not necessarily the same bank as your current accounts etc. If you can’t find it it seems like he might be hiding it. Pretty much all our banking is online without paper, but mortgage stuff we do keep in paper form.

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But it would be the bank who the mortgage contract is with? Because I know who that bank is i can't find what looks like a contract anywhere

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sammyspoon · 05/12/2025 16:25

@Frazzled89yes it would be from the bank the mortgage is with. Also I know I don’t need to say this as so many others have and I’m glad you’ve taken it onboard. There is absolutely no reason you can’t be on the mortgage other than that your husband doesn’t want you on there. You know you can check who is named on the deeds at the land registry for a very small fee? His keeping you in the dark is not normal. A healthy relationship means transparency of finances. Please educate yourself. Financial literacy is so important.

sammyspoon · 05/12/2025 16:33

Also @Frazzled89… and apologies if this has already been covered. Is it possible there is no mortgage and he might own the house outright? I believe the land registry search would show this as it would state if it is mortgaged and with who

Easilyforgotten · 05/12/2025 17:07

Going back to the original point of your post, with apologies if this has been covered and I've missed it.
Your DH works in a small team, covering a gap in services in a healthcare role I think you said?
So does the entire team work every weekend, with all 'down' days for everyone only allowed on week days?
If this is the case, I can't believe you're the only partner with an issue.
If it's not the case, your DH hasn't got a leg to stand on.

BlueMum16 · 05/12/2025 17:28

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 16:07

But it would be the bank who the mortgage contract is with? Because I know who that bank is i can't find what looks like a contract anywhere

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My mortgage is with Santander.

I get a letter every year detailing what I owed at the start of the year, it lists every monthly payment I've made and interest added and then closing balance.

I shred it once I've read it. I also didn't keep my paper copies of the mortgage documents.

Maybe he doesn't keep paper records?

grumpygrape · 05/12/2025 19:58

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 16:07

But it would be the bank who the mortgage contract is with? Because I know who that bank is i can't find what looks like a contract anywhere

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If I ask 'How do you know which bank the mortgage is with ' please don't just say 'because he told me'.

To answer your original question, yes, it is unreasonable because it means he doesn't have proper family time with both you and the children. No reasonable employer would insist on this.

Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 21:20

Easilyforgotten · 05/12/2025 17:07

Going back to the original point of your post, with apologies if this has been covered and I've missed it.
Your DH works in a small team, covering a gap in services in a healthcare role I think you said?
So does the entire team work every weekend, with all 'down' days for everyone only allowed on week days?
If this is the case, I can't believe you're the only partner with an issue.
If it's not the case, your DH hasn't got a leg to stand on.

Yes, he works three or four long shifts a week, I only work two long shifts in which he has those days off. Meaning potentially, he has three other days he could work during the week so he doesn't have to work both weekend days. I'm not expecting him never to work a weekend, but one week out of a month he could have either Sat or Sun off. I don't know how true it is that they all work weekends, I don't know any of his colleagues. He doesn't like to kick up a fuss either and he is very dedicated to his job (which I do admire him for). So much so that he didn't take paternity leave during covid when my son was born because they despite needed people.

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Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 21:21

BlueMum16 · 05/12/2025 17:28

My mortgage is with Santander.

I get a letter every year detailing what I owed at the start of the year, it lists every monthly payment I've made and interest added and then closing balance.

I shred it once I've read it. I also didn't keep my paper copies of the mortgage documents.

Maybe he doesn't keep paper records?

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I didn't think he did, certainly not statements. Shouldn't the actual contract be on paper though?

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Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 21:21

grumpygrape · 05/12/2025 19:58

If I ask 'How do you know which bank the mortgage is with ' please don't just say 'because he told me'.

To answer your original question, yes, it is unreasonable because it means he doesn't have proper family time with both you and the children. No reasonable employer would insist on this.

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I believe I have seen a statement previously.

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ThatRoseBear · 05/12/2025 21:43

I actually don't think he wants to keep you away from mortgage discussions due to debt. He may not want you to know exactly how much he gets paid and how much he has in savings. This is not financially an equal marriage. Push him to go on the mortgage next year or you stop paying half. If he gets angry, question why. It's a reasonable request if he is not hiding anything. Stop paying into the food shop, you have driving lessons to pay for. If he complains tough. Go on the pill, he can pierce condom

RosaMundi27 · 05/12/2025 22:21

sammyspoon · 05/12/2025 16:33

Also @Frazzled89… and apologies if this has already been covered. Is it possible there is no mortgage and he might own the house outright? I believe the land registry search would show this as it would state if it is mortgaged and with who

Edited

Yes it would. HM Land Registry shows ownership and also if a property has a "charge" on it, ie, a mortgage. It gives the name of the mortgage company too.

RosaMundi27 · 05/12/2025 22:26

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 15:55

You've posted a few times now, and with all due respect I can't tell if your being genuine. Your friend's situation is completely different as I have said before. I'm pretty sure I would be able to be added to the mortgage from what other posters have said, there is more to this as well as I my H is very secretive of his finances, and did not wish to share access to his money when I was a SAHM. He is extremely careful about money so that could be the reason why, im not saying he's controlling or a bad person. I also never moaned about paying the mortgage, I am happy too. My post was about working every single weekend without trying to reach a compromise.

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All part of the same problem though, he works when he wants, he does what he wants, he treats you like an idiot. He's not a husband - he's your keeper. The idea that he's just going to suddently start listening to you and meeting you halfway is ridiculous. He doesn't even trust you to know who owns the house you live in. FFS wake up - for all you know that house was paid off years ago and you're being conned into handing over half your wages to man who has no respect for you. Getting weekends off is the least of it.

Theslummymummy · 05/12/2025 22:51

I'm confused, does he not work the weekend so that he can have the 2 days off in the week that you work? Or are the 2 days he has off in the week not the 2 days you are working?

And the children go to school, does the 2 year old go to nursery?

converseandjeans · 05/12/2025 23:48

@Frazzled89 you say he works 3-4 long shifts a week. So presumably he is around often during the week. He must be home to help with the baby & do the school run. So whilst he should have some weekends off it seems he is actually around during the week more than the average partner.

Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 23:51

Theslummymummy · 05/12/2025 22:51

I'm confused, does he not work the weekend so that he can have the 2 days off in the week that you work? Or are the 2 days he has off in the week not the 2 days you are working?

And the children go to school, does the 2 year old go to nursery?

He has the two days off when I'm working and sometimes one or two extra days off depending on his work hours. I do nights 12 hr shifts. So he works either Mon Sat Sun OR Fri Sat Sun. He does 12 hr shifts. Yes my 2 year old is at nursery and the other kids are at school all week. Im not asking for the world, just for him to see if he could work Monday Fri sat OR Sun one week out of a month instead of every weekend.

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DurinsBane · 05/12/2025 23:56

FartyAnimal · 30/11/2025 16:51

If he works 3/4 days a week, and you work 2, I can't understand the problems? You look after the children alone 3/4 days, he does it 2 days and you are both there 1/2 days together anyway? It being a weekend is irrelevant surely?

Because kids are at home all weekend, and during the week they are usually at school or nursery?

Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 23:58

converseandjeans · 05/12/2025 23:48

@Frazzled89 you say he works 3-4 long shifts a week. So presumably he is around often during the week. He must be home to help with the baby & do the school run. So whilst he should have some weekends off it seems he is actually around during the week more than the average partner.

Yes he is, although he does some side volunteering one of those days but yes he is around a lot. Im not saying he is lazy, Its the weekends I struggle with him doing all the time, because I know he won't even mention it to his boss. Just one weekend day a month would be lovely for us to be together.

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Original poster

Frazzled89 · 05/12/2025 23:59

RosaMundi27 · 05/12/2025 22:26

All part of the same problem though, he works when he wants, he does what he wants, he treats you like an idiot. He's not a husband - he's your keeper. The idea that he's just going to suddently start listening to you and meeting you halfway is ridiculous. He doesn't even trust you to know who owns the house you live in. FFS wake up - for all you know that house was paid off years ago and you're being conned into handing over half your wages to man who has no respect for you. Getting weekends off is the least of it.

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We only moved in three years ago and it's a new build and a new mortgage,so luckily I know that its not been paid off already.

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TheBlueRobin · 06/12/2025 07:04

I definitely think he's working weekends to avoid family time. My Dad used to do the same while I was growing up because he thiught being breadwinner was priority but the reality was he didn't know how to be a family man and just wanted the escape.

Does he even show an interest in you and the kids?

You shouldn't be contributing towards the mortgage and even if you were at should be more proportional.