To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

Now you've explained his hours more clearly you may be being slightly unreasonable.

He clearly has a weekend job, I was assuming his weekend working was overtime or extra but his shifts are Saturday and Sunday and another day. His colleagues will have week day jobs or other shifts.

He literally has all week off. Does he pull his weight all week? Doing drop off/pick ups/housework etc

It's obviously difficult as you both work long shifts and with you working nights there is little time together either as a couple of a family

Weekends are difficult to fill as it's a long day. Can you find some clubs for the kids - swimming lessons, football, gymnastics maybe on a Saturday to help fill their time.

He doesn't work a weekend job. He never used to work every weekend and there is no need for him too. Without giving too much away, we work in the same building, but different departments and roles. I have never known anybody else to work every weekend, it's not part of his contract and everybody else I know wouldn't be happy with it, especially with young children. I don't see why he can't ask to swap one weekend day for a week day shift say once a month. I have two options basically: quit my job or accept he will be working every weekend until he retires. Its just not the family life I wanted.

Yes he does drop off, it's a 2 minute walk down the road. House-work is my domain mainly, as he has other commitments during the week, although he does his fair share. I can't drive so can't take the kids to clubs like that, and I wouldn't feel confident with them all in a swimming pool. There is things like soft play but after travel food etc, I can't afford that every weekend though tbh.

Him working every weekend, when he doesn't financially need to, until he retires sounds very boring and crap for family life, awful for the kids and I'd honestly leave him. No birthday parties with him attending for the kids? No going to their sporting events? All because he wants to work, not because he has to? Nah I'd fuck him right off, easily. My kids and I deserve better.

And you're saying you can't afford to do things like go for food, or drive, because he's hoarding all the money? Really?

Honestly I think you need a massive sit down look at your life, off mumsnet.

Yanbu. I would also massively struggle if my husband worked weekends especially when his days off are when you are working, means you have kids pretty much all the time and theres no family time let alone couple time. I'd most definitely not have another baby with him especially not with things the way they are.

So does he not contribute or pay for anything that you do with the kids at weekends? He has more money and yet you still have to fund all kids activities?

With respect - you know nothing about the household finances that you're making a high contribution to. If you're ok with that fine. But from the outside it does look like your husband is using you for childcare and housework, while he does whatever he likes, and abuses you, at least, financially.

So what's his contracted hours?

You explained he works either Friday Saturday Sunday or Saturday Sunday Monday. Which really sounds like a weekend job.

You don't have to chose between quitting or accepting until he retires. Quitting your job does not change the situation at all. Why would that be a consideration?

You need to learn to drive and get some independence.

Sit down with him and explain you are lonely, overwhelmed and want him home at weekend.when he's needed. You need to explain the children would benefit from a father that is present. Then listen to what he says - if he's working for the money that you need then address how you can either manage with less or you earn more to make up for it. You are a partnership remember. Not a parent and child, you are a ln equal so need to take equal responsibility and he needs to stop making decisions without you.

If it's not about the money does he want to work weekends to give him time for something else during the week? You mention he has other priorities. Are these priorities more important that his wife and kids?

Make time this week when he's off work and the kids are at school

Are you friendly with any families with children near-by, OP? Your children playing with theirs at your house or another, with the mothers going too, would help you feel less isolated.

It sounds like a relationship of coercive control. It is time for you to speak up. Tell him there are things that you are unhappy about and you want to make a time to talk about them. Then address them one by one. Tell him upfront that you are not "attacking him", you are just very unhappy about aspects of your life. He has financial control - this is NOT okay. You should be on the deeds. He has chosen to keep you in the dark. Having a 4th child is just another way to disempower you. He is avoiding his share of parenting by working weekends. The age gap also concerns me, because he is more likely to assert dominance. Once you've had your talk and discussed your concerns, you will know if there's any future in your relationship.

I have a feeling something deeper is happening here. He has lied to you about not being able to go on the mortgage. I went on my mortgage and I only worked 16 hours a week. I don't even earn enough to pay tax.
Irrelevant here. Why does he want to work all the hours that he will see you and the children? Why does he want more when he works so much already?
Lots of questions.

He is 100 percent telling you a pack of lies about the mortgage and clearly hiding something very significant from you.
You need to get all the finances out in the open and if (when!) he refuses to do that you need to take action to find out why.

Why can't you change your shifts?

Change them how? If i worked the same days as him we wouldn't have the childcare. I used to work shifts like him but our shifts kept clashing so I the only way I could keep my contract was to work set nights.

I had a similar chat with him the other day, after I started this thread, but he said the same, that he cannot change his work hours. I did offer to work another shift if I could get it, and he said that was fine but he still couldn't reduce his hours. The whole point of the idea was so he could reduce his hours. He is very worried about money I think.
I mentioned quitting my job because he has said in the past he only works weekends because of my nights, which he has to be at home for, and of I quit work he could be around more. But then the other day he said he couldn't refuse his hours because of money, so I'm not sure why he would say I could quit my job because we'd be worse off. He isn't very straightforward and clear in his responses.

I know it sounds stupid but I don't want to ask about the deeds again after a convo we had earlier this year when I said why can't I be on the mortgage and it feels I'm being left out. He went bright red with anger and screamed at me, walked out of the house. I've never seen him like that. I was really upset and sobbed when he came back and just apologised. When I bring things up he doesn't like confrontation so will often say things like 'you're getting at me' and says im being nasty a lot, so the conversation is shut down. He is a very sensitive person

"I said why can't I be on the mortgage and it feels I'm being left out. He went bright red with anger and screamed at me, walked out of the house. I've never seen him like that"

That is a bizarre reaction to a simple and reasonable question. To me it looks very much like he is hiding something.

He is lying to you. The mortgage would not have to be reassessed if he changed his hours. I'm afraid this sounds like a coercive relationship. You need to sit down with him and discuss your working arrangements and financial relationship and you need to make it clear, thaf as things stand you do not want further children. You do need to get oversight of the entire family income situation and some control over it.

@Frazzled89he doesn’t sound ‘sensitive’ he sounds like he’s trying to stay in control by intimidating you so you don’t ask awkward questions.

OP - I think you would be wise to get legal advice (behind your H’s back - don’t tell him). A lawyer will know how to access the deeds, and will tell you if the property is mortgaged or not. It sounds really suspicious that your H gets so angry when you broach the subject, and he sounds abusive. At the very least, go and see Citizens Advice. Good luck and take care.

Oh, OP.

He gets mad when you ask very reasonable questions about finances.

He’s refusing to consider different hours so you all can have more family time.

You contribute half the mortgage even though you earn less.

I suspect you have very little disposable income, but he has savings and won’t tell you how much.

He’s sitting on savings while you are saving to learn to drive, something which will make your life easier and will benefit his children ( this is truly awful).

He is actively lying to you about several things which are money related.

This is not good, not good at all.

Not at all, raising children and keeping a home (alongside work even part time) is a LOT. You are a single parent more than half the week!

OP all due respect I don’t understand why you keep coming back to this thread.

1. you’ve had fantastic advice off some lovely posters yet you seem unwilling to stand up for yourself with your husband. The posters are correct. You’ve been lied to by your husband and the reason you’re unwilling to stand your ground is because you don’t want to rock the boat. Honestly even if you didn’t want to show your husband this thread you can google or ChatGPT the answer to the mortgage and can show him that he’s lying.
2. your husband clearly doesn’t trust you. He can be frugal but I reckon the reason he doesn’t want you on the mortgage is because of trust and perhaps the hassle of taking his ex off one of his previous mortgages - not a good reason.
3. you won’t broach the subject why your husband gets irrationally angry over a simple question - answer because he wants you to be submissive and not ask questions
4. you have a parent/child relationship with your husband
5. you are so flip floppy with contraception oh well I suppose we can use condoms. He wouldn’t be getting any until he had the snip or until I had tied my tubes.

please OP for the love of god give your head a wobble and stop being so naive to life for the sake of your children. You are giving off massive “we lady folk don’t need to worry our pretty little head with finances” you absolutely should have been more clued up to mortgage lore instead of taking your husbands word and no you don’t need to blindly believe your husband to have a good marriage that’s just dumb.

I’ve read every single post and it’s frustrating how blind you’re being when you’ve had fantastic advice. If you’re happy to continue living this life good luck to you because the working weekends isn’t going to change.

Also sound advice you can do to prove your husband wrong call up the bank you have a mortgage with. Speak to a mortgage advisor you don’t need to give names. You can just say that your rate is changing next year and you’re looking to see if it’s likely you’ll be rejected. It doesn’t even have to be in relation to your husbands mortgage just say you’re looking for advice before you move forward with being added onto a mortgage.

You’ll learn (not that you haven’t already on this thread) that your husband is a liar who doesn’t trust you.

good luck for the future OP I hope your children learn from your mistakes.

@Frazzled89 I've read all your posts now so apologies it sounded like he was a partner who didn't live with you at first. Not your actual husband! I honestly wouldn't have any more kids. It sounds like an odd setup to be honest and even your wording about "his savings".

Something has to give so since you work 2 shifts and you say your DH doesn't have scope to change his days I don't know what to suggest. I dont think ots fair on you to be left all weekend with the kids.

Thanks for all your replies and your practical advice, it has been so helpful. I will have a word with H tommorow about everything when he comes home from work. I've written down the important things, that I want to be on the mortgage and I know its possible because I have researched it and there is no reason why I can't. I will also suggest we open a savings account together for both our savings, I think this is only fair and we can both contribute. I'm not sure if I'll be able to tackle the weekend shifts, but I will suggest changing my hours so we can both possibly work when we have childcare, and hopefully we can spend some weekends together. I just need to have the courage and bite the bullet. Wish me luck.

You may be better off posting in Relationships where you will get more considered support. In AIBU people demand instant action following their well considered advice. They get very frustrated if you haven't followed their timeline to realise you're in a coercively controlling relationship, have it out, and LTB. That timeline is usually a few hours after they've posted.

I'm rooting for you @Frazzled89