To ask OH not to work every weekend?

[Frazzled89]

New poster.
Me and my H have three children, aged 7, 5 and 2. I work only part tike two days a week. H has a full time job and has the two days off that i work mid week. He works long shifts so not at work for 5 days but he has worked every weekend almost all year and says it will be the new norm from now on.
I hate to admit but I'm really struggling. He's gone for 12 hours or more every sat and sun and his work days during the week. On weekends it feels like such a heavy load looking after kids and doing everything else, plus bed times are a constant battle. They are lovely children but spirited and honestly wear me out 😅. I am quite isolated as I don't drive and live in a small town. I asked him can he not change one weekend day for week day or just work alternate weekends, but be says he can't. I asked if he could drop half a day but he says it will mess up the mortgage (I'm not on the mortgage so don't really know about these things). He says the only way is I give up my two shifts.
He says he may want another baby. I've been asking him to get a vasectomy for three years but he's never made an appointment even. I don't think I could cope with another if he's never here at weekends but then we're getting older (I'm 35 he's 51) so may be my last chance.

AIBU to pressure him to change work schedule or do I have to suck it up and stop moaning? I know many parents have it much harder.

OP, I mean this kindly. You have said nothing on here that suggests you have a good marriage. Your husband does not include you in financial decisions. He accepts you paying half the mortgage when he works more than you. He does very little childcare. If you try to talk to him about things that are troubling you, he shouts at you, he infantalises you. He is unwilling to change his work routine to spend time with you and your children. When is he around to be a wonderful father? Please, OP, seriously consider taking advice from Women's Aid. It will take you time to absorb what you have been told here. To a woman, we have said 'there are so many red flags'.

You say his is a wonderful father. What does he do for you to say this?

Do he get the kids up, feed them, dress them?
Does he bath them and tell them bedtime stories? Does he get up in the night if needed?
Does he talk them, ask about their day, take the the park to play or feed the ducks?
Does he do anything creative (craft/bake) or help with homework? Are they old enough for clubs and sports? Does he take them and watch?

Or is he just providing you all with a home and your standards for a fantastic father are different to others?

As for the mortgage, ask when the deal is up. Ask how much you owe. Ask who the lender is and the current rate. Then search online to see what offers are there. I use Money Supermarket or Money Saving Expert.

He'll want to stay with the same lender and just swap deals. It's easy and less hassle but swapping lenders and adding you on could.save you some money. It just takes a small effort to price round and do the paperwork. You have plenty of time to find a better deal and do the legwork. How can he refuse if it saves you money?

But also get some legal advice about being added to the deeds. You don't want to be liable for a loan and not have your name on the ownership.

When you were referring to only working part time, and not earning enough to be on the mortgage, I thought you would be working 8- 12 hours a week, not 24 hours.

No 24. I do two long shifts. Apologies I didn't make that clear.

You do not have a good marriage. You are treated like a child by your husband and he is not a good father as he hardly spends any time with his kids.

But it is pretty obvious that you are in denial about everything and that there will be no convincing you otherwise so good luck to you is what I'll say.

As for the mortgage situation, I might mention it again when it comes up next year bit know from last experience it will result in him being dismissive or angry (which I don't want).

This is how he controls you and keeps you in the position of a child. He deliberately gets angry to frighten you into dropping questions that will expose him as a liar. It works very well for him as he has you afraid to raise financial issues.

This is a total lie OP.

When me and DH got our first house I worked 37.5 hours.

About 3 years later I dropped to 30 hours.

Two years later I dropped to 15 hours.

Two years later I went back up to 30 hours.

Then two years ago I quit work altogether and didn’t work for 18 months.

Now I work on a self-employed basis and only work about 12 hours a week.

Not once have we ever contacted our bank / mortgage providers about my changes in working hours.

They don’t care if you work 100 hours a week or 5 hours a week as long as the mortgage is being paid.

The reason your DH is working every weekend is because he doesn’t want to be home with the kids. It really is that simple. He can’t be bothered with the hassle of parenting.

He’s lying to you about the mortgage and has been lying to you from the start and the way your finances are run is just another sign that he is a controlling manipulator.

He knows you will believe anything he tells you.

The fact you are too scared to question him, or talk to him about something as normal as the mortgage and house deeds shows exactly how controlling your relationship is.

He’s a bad man OP.

You just don’t want to hear it.

No need to apologise at all.

in my eyes it makes what DH said about your earnings not counting towards the mortgage even worse.

I'm not in denial I'm just trying to process it all because I honeshave no idea why is so tetchy about the mortgage and us having joint bank accounts. I don't understand why he doesn't seem to trust me. I don't have any debts and I don't spend on silly things I don't need. I'm an idiot for taking his word without looking into it.

" Unfortunately, I can't do any detective work regarding his money situation because I have no access to anything."
That in itself is a massive red flag - where is his paperwork? Where does he keep bank statements? The mortgage agreement itself will be on paper. Where are the household bills?
And more importantly - who are you not more concerned?

The bills and mortgage statements are all online. I could look for the mortgage agreement but as for his bank account statements and utility bills etc, there's no way I can access them.

The mortgage agreement will be on paper, and usually a paper statement is sent once a year.
He's definitely lying to you about something.

OK I will have a look for it tommorow and see if all looks in order.

have you considered it’s simply because he’s a cunt?

you keep blaming yourself for his shortcomings, and it’s frankly weird. You have been so downtrodden by him, you can’t even see the abuse. And I guess that’s fine for you, if you want to bury your head in the sand and pretend to yourself you’re happy, then go for it.
but the problem is the children. There’s 3 children setting off in to the world in 3 years time who will think misogyny and sexism are the norm.

You only work two days a week and yet you pay 50% of the mortgage when you aren't on the mortgage or on the deeds? That sounds like financial abuse to me.

I think he is financially controlling and probably controlling in other ways and he probably wants another baby to keep you tied to him and the home. You can't cope with three kids, never mind four so make it clear to him that another baby is totally off the cards.

Screaming at you isn't a normal reaction. He's screaming to scare you off checking what he is saying because he is lying to you.

You definitely could be on the mortgage and the deeds, even though you earn less than him and if your financial situation changes but you can still afford the payments, you don't need to re-negotiate the mortgage.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Would you pay towards a mortgage if you aren't on the mortgage and aren't on the deeds and when your husband lied to you at the point of applying for that mortgage, telling her that because she worked part-time, she couldn't go on the mortgage which is patently untrue.

Are you scared of him? He is old enough to be your father and he treats you like a disobedient child. The power imbalance is far too great to be healthy,

You are definitely being financially abused as you only work two days (and he doesn't want you to work any more), you pay for half the mortgage and other costs and he keeps all his spare money to himself when he earns three times as much as you do. You do all the hard yards of parenting and his days off are when his children are at school and as you work nights, I assume that you still do most of the parenting of your 2-year old on his days off.

OP obviously came from a repressive Christian home whose parents insisted on her getting married to this much older man as she was pregnant.

I'm wondering whether he was a friend of the family as it is unlikely that OP had much freedom even though she was an adult, which is why she is so deferential to her DH.

Report the thread then rather than troll hunting which is against Mumsnet guidelines.

You are being cruel and horrible though. OP isn't thick, she has obviously gone straight from a repressive Christian home with her parents to a similar one with her husband. She has been brain-washed and is trying her best to improve her financial situation without angering her husband.

You have obviously not been in a similar situation so don't pat yourself on the back so much.

I presume that OP's parents follow a religion where a daughter having a baby outside marriage would be shunned. Possibly Jehovah's Witness.

I can't work due to illness and I'm on the mortgage 🤷‍♂️

Is he definitely working these weekends?

OP,
A lot of posters here are angry on your behalf, because it is horrible to read about women being controlled and lied to in this day and age.
But the posters here are not living your life - you are.
Yes, your marriage is not equal, but you decide when and how you will take any action. You have low self-esteem. Don't let anyone here bully you.

My advice would be:
Don't rush. No need to push things with him and cause angry scenes. Go at your own pace. Take time to think.
You absolutely have to make sure you don't get pregnant again. See your GP about your options - this is the one thing you have to do very urgently.

Then - accept that he wants to work all weekend, so doesn't want to spend time as a family. There is nothing you can do about this. You can't force a man to spend time with you or the DC.

Then - try to get more money for yourself, either by reducing what you give him, or getting him to pay for more things, or increasing your work.

You don't need your DH permission to increase your hours at work - providing you can sort out childcare, or if you only do nights when he is at home anyway.
So sort it out with your employer and just tell him it is happening.
Don't ask - tell him. That is part of getting more equality and self-esteem.

Then, when you have more money, learn to drive.

You are legally married, so all his secret savings and all the house and his pension are joint. You are protected.
Don't worry too much about the mortgage and deeds - the situation is not fair and equal, but as long as he doesn't die suddenly (fingers crossed he is in good health) that is not something you need to sort out immediately.

You might be better off staying married than getting divorced with three young children. Only you can decide that.

Assuming you are not intending to jump to divorce, I would spend the next decade whilst the DC are growing up improving your own position.
Learn more about how the world works, including money.
Improve your career - study or do training. Think a few years ahead - will you want to eventually change jobs? This will be easier as the DC get older.

If you stay in the marriage, watch for little signs of inequality, those times when he treats you like a child or you treat him like your parent or boss. No need to cause arguments, just watch and notice and concentrate on growing your confidence in yourself.

I'm surprised the mortgage company have never asked for your signature to say you don't have a claim on the house (their asset).

I had a lodger years ago and had to get him to sign to say he was paying rent and not living with me and entitled to a claim on my house.

If your DH stopped paying the mortgage company need to know they can repossess the house and not have a claim to the asset by someone else. Unless things have changed.