To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

YANBU at all.
It is your sisters decision to have a relationship with your mother. You have made your own decision for very valid reasons not to.
I'd absolutely book to go away, turn off my mobile phone and not feel an ounce of guilt about it. You reap what you sow in life. You can't treat someone like shit and then expect them to want to help out with your care when you need it.

Haven’t RTFT but suggest you send them an AI (or old) photo of you on a beach, a couple of days beforehand. Hopefully they then won’t bother coming round. If you have a car park it elsewhere.

or even send them a photoshopped / AI flight confirmation

I guess if you stay at home you won’t be able to relax, given the threat?

They probably still cast you as the “bad one”, or “troubled one” and the fact that you won’t help with your elderly mother will even boost this narrative for them . They can’t actually admit to your treatment it as that would bring the whole house of cards down .
Unfortunately elderly-ness is a great disguise and a cover for others to hide behind and deny the past . You are absolutely right to have taken a step back and even though you shouldn’t have to go away at all , I would in case they do show up and you wouldn’t be able to relax anyway ..
My situation isn’t as extreme but had awful things said to me as a child and a lot of weeks of silent treatments over the slightest thing ,clearly not liked really , literally not speaking to me and acting as though I was invisible over the slightest thing from around age 13, some physical abuse too but the emotional stuff was worse .
In my case my mother just can’t be bothered with me at all and never has been since I left home . She has my siblings who she prefers to be around and has time for . I also get judged for not calling around more (I’m never invited and she prefers me gone after 10 mins). It is of course awful but ultimately I had to just take a step away and try and live my life as best I can with my heart a bit broken . It is what it is . Do not get guilted by your sisters , you sound very strong to have gotten through what you have . Peace to you op.

Go away - you will have a brilliant time and will be out of reach.
I have difficult relationships with family and swore blind after one Xmas 30 years ago I would never do Xmas with them again. I have stuck to this and never, ever regretted it. This black sheep made the right choice.
I also started going away over Xmas, which makes doing this easier (plus it's great being away somewhere warmer), and it can be affordable if you look around. One year, when the guilt trip hinting came on about Xmas plans in October(!), I could honestly say 'I'm going to Ethiopia'.

Your sisters are emotionally abusing you.

Go away from Christmas.

Block them.

Do not engage with them.

Inheritance is not worth it, and by the sound of it the chances are, you won't get any, either because they will withhold it from you or because your mum will write you out anyway. It will just be used as a way to make you 'behave'.

@NotAbabysitter

If I were you I'd go away-if only because you said you would and they need to know you mean it.

I think you need to go no contact.

they are not at all sympathetic to you and you don't need that!

Why should she? Her mum abused her

No. They’re not allowed to do that to you. They’re basically continuing the abuse by trying to force it as well. They’re trying to take away your choice to say no. Tell them to fuck off in whatever manner you choose, then explain that you will be contacting the relevant authorities if they attempt to abandon her on your doorstep. You don’t have to put up with any of them.

Go away. Have a great time!
Two years ago we decided on December 15th to just feck off abroad with our kids, and we had the best Christmas ever. Booked absolutely last minute and it was a joy. Did it again last year. Would be doing it this year except work has thrown a curveball. Holiday abroad Christmas is GREAT.
Also I have a mother with NPD (and I'm the family scapegoat) so I get it.

OK, let’s apply a little emotional intelligence here. Do you think it could be possible she was doing that because she was responding to your insistent (and persistent) posts about her psychology, while also calling her a flying monkey while not even being able to spell the diagnoses you're bandying about in your overbearing responses?

This must be so hard. I was the only one of six that even bothered visiting my cantankerous mum and resented DBs and DSs hugely. I had my mum come to us every Xmas day for years until one year I told a DB it was his turn. He did pick her up and kept her the whole day. Mum told me the next day that she was given ham sandwiches for lunch, absolutely untrue 🤣🤣🤣. Good luck with whatever you do but have some sympathy for your DSs. I feel sorry for all of you.

What the fk?

What kind of relationship do you have with your siblings?

Is your mother unwell ?

Tell them by text you are not doing and they know why you are not doing it one last time and don't respond to any after that
Do not tell them you are going away because they will turn up some other random day with her
Hopefully they don't realise you have gone away when they arrive and do leave her on your doorstep, the 3 of them can then deal with the consequences of that
If they mention inheritance in the future just laugh and say we all know she's not going to leave me anything

I do feel for you OP. My M is also deeply unpleasant and it would be the fact that your Sisters won’t even tell you which day that they are going to drop her off that I would find so difficult to deal with.

I would send them both the same message saying that you are sorry that they are finding caring for your DM difficult with everything going on in their lives but due to the abuse suffered by you when you were growing up, you are unable to look after your M at any time.

I hope you do find some peace this Christmas, whatever your plans end up being. As others have said, none of this is your fault. You sound lovely and your behaviour as a child just sounds like normal child behaviour. You didn’t deserve the abuse and you don’t deserve any of this now.

If none of you can do it, cancel Christmas this year. Meal at a restaurant for anyone who wants to go is plenty.

And re AIBU. Of course not. You are an adult. Nobody has the right to decide for you what you are and aren't doing.

If sisters aren't up to it this year, see above.
Stand your ground. Go away for the day if you think they will continue this nonsense.

I wonder OP if it could be helpful to reframe this in terms of what you want to do, or feel you should do, for your sisters.

They clearly feel an obligation, maybe mainly of love, but also it sounds like a matter of feeling a duty to make sure she is cared for over those days. And clearly they feel overwhelmed.

So I suppose I'd ask, if it was a more neutral person than your mother, would you want to help them. or feel you ought to?

If so, I would suggest saying clearly you are nc, but consider helping them find some other solutions. is there some other place she can go? Could you help your sisters out directly with some other burdens? Something like that.

If you don't want anything to do with any of them, I would reiterate, and maybe going somewhere would be a good plan.

How can you term someone's family member a narcissist/or them a flying monkey etc - when they are a complete stranger, you know nothing about.. that's really strange.

Someone can fully empathise with a sibling that's gone NC with their parent and at the same time still feel burdened by the extra weight that siblings absence causes. It's called being a human.

OP - book yourself somewhere nice - so you don't feel like you're looking over your shoulder the whole time.

try and go away but I would also tell your sisters that whether you are there or not you're not getting involved and they must not bully you into doing something you don't want to do. it's absolutely not up to them.

Maybe go and stay with a friend or several different people. Enjoy and happy Xmas and I hope you have a lovely break. Hugs x

Nothing has changed between you and your mother, this is entirely predicated on your sisters' circumstances and their own needs... It's a poor reason for you to dismantle your protective boundaries now!

I agree that you should definitely book to go away - then you'll feel easier in your mind, knowing you'll be away and telling the truth.

I know these things can be emotionally upsetting. If you stick to this practical action, it should help. Sending empathy. People who weren't the scapegoated kid don't understand how differently siblings can experience childhood, and how painful this can be. 🤗

I wouldn't relinquish any inheritance. Don't sign anything. If you don't personally want the money you could give to your children+if you have any) or a children's charity perhaps.

My DH was totally non contact with his mother (she was awful to him and he finally had enough when we had dc and she started being unkind to them, too) He didn't want to accept the small bequest when she died (just over £10k) but his lovely brother encouraged him to. He gave a fair amount to our DC and kept a small amount back for a rainy day.
His mother's money was split equally between him and his siblings, they however understood how awfully he'd been treated growing up and as an adult.

This and leave some boxes on the doorstep to look like packages that have been delovered

I agree with this @NotAbabysitter

Going away for Christmas would be lovely regardless of your horror of a mother, but don’t do it unless you really want to and can afford it.

If you stay at home and they show up despite being told “no”, don’t answer the door. They can’t exactly force it open and push her inside.

Message them immediately so they have time to make other plans. But that’s the maximum you owe them - a prompt response - nothing else!

Confused how they think they can thrust a responsibility they have taken on, on you when they’ve had enough?

Surely the sister with a baby has had 9 months to realised the baby is coming and arrange accordingly if she was planning to use it as a reason to not have her mother over? They sounds awful.

Don’t let them bully you out of your home if you would rather be there. Move car, leave boxes on doorstep like deliveries, pull curtains etc.

Sorry about your childhood with her, it sounds like you are sensible staying away. 🌸