To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

Considering they've said they'll be bringing her after she has explicitly said no, yes, they are.

Tell them that if they pursue this you intend making a safeguarding referral to social services. Your mother is not your responsibility.

Definitely book something as far away as possible and go away. Don’t give any details of where you’re going. I would not risk staying at home as the police wouldn’t get involved in a situation like this despite what other posters are saying.

YANBU. You shouldn't have to go away but I can see why you would, to save the anxiety of waiting for them to turn up. They are well within their rights to seek respite care but they need to sort that out among themselves and respect your boundaries. To be quite honest I would take this as a sign to reduce contact with your sisters as well. I'm sorry OP.

Fear obligation and guilt are the hallmarks of a toxic family dynamic. Don't be sucked in OP. You do you at christmas. Your mum was the adult and chose to treat you like the scpaegoat and abuse you as a child when you deserved unconditional love. She is the problem and enjoy the peace without having her around

My sister was the golden child when we were kids. I was the scapegoat. When my mother became needy I allowed my sister to become he the golden carer. What you sow, you reap.

I second this. Maybe your mum didn't abuse your sisters, or maybe she did but they feel a sense of duty towards her anyway. This doesn't mean you are wrong to feel as you do, but I can see why it majorly pisses your sisters off, if they are running themselves ragged caring for her, and you won't help. If they get as far as dropping her off with someone who they know doesn't want her, she IS effectively abandoned, so calling the police or social services would be the right thing to do, as it would be if you found someone lost and confused in the street. If they can't cope without your help, then they should be calling in other help anyway.

@NotAbabysitter you are getting some ridiculous replies here. You do not need to explain what kind of abuse you suffered nor do you need to explain why you and your siblings see things differently. You have chosen to put boundaries in place, no one but you needs to know why or feel if they are justified or not.

You haven’t mentioned if you have family at home or what you are planning Xmas day to see if anyone has other suggestions other than going away.

If this was me, alone and no other plans as yet and I could book to go away I would, just to avoid the drama of it all. Alternatively if I wasn’t in a position to book a trip I would make plans to not be in.

These days I’d probably do what others have said, if they turn up close the curtains and call the police. Or I’d send my DH to the door to tell them where to go as I wouldn’t be driven out of my home by them.

If they are the perfect daughters they can look after their perfect mother. I do find it amusing how the “perfect” mother/daughter relationship isn’t so perfect when they don’t have the scape goat to pile all the shit on.

Are you on your own OP? Do you have a husband/partner and children. If you have children why should you take then out of their home?
Don't let this pair dictate to you. If they intend to dump their Mother on your doorstep, report as a safeguarding issue to social services.

Its always fascinating (and tragic) when one child is singled out in this way. Do you know what was happening in your parents marriage or lives when you were born? Sounds like something got projected onto you. I would ensure I had been crystal clear with the sisters (you probably have, but I would do it once and the keep referring to it going forward);

Dear sisters, for the avoidance of any doubt in future. I have had and will continue to have no meaningful contact with our mother now or at any time going forward.

The reason for this is her abusive treatment of me when we were growing up. I understand that you had a different experience, and I am glad for you that you had good parenting. This in no way excuses or minimizes what happened to me- in fact it makes it worse that I was constantly scapegoated and castigated for being a normal child when she obviously had the wherewithal to be a good parent.

I understand that you both have a lot on at the moment and can understand why this means you would look to share the load of caring for our mother. In any other circumstance if you needed help I would help you. But where mother is concerned, I am not available and never will be.

If you attempt to bring her to my house, or drop her off, I will report this as elder abuse. I hope it does not have to get to this before you can really understand the impact of my childhood treatment has had on me and the boundaries I have had to put in place to protect myself. I love you both, and wish our experiences of our mother were more aligned.

People are not obligated to provide care for their abusers!

Whether “it pisses off” the other relatives or not, if they were decent human beings they would understand why their sister wants to be no contact with the mother.

OP I'd go away for sure in your shoes if you can. You won't relax otherwise.

But you need to make it very very clear you will be providing ZERO care at ANY point (otherwise this will just be shifted to a different date!), and that they need to ask social care to assess her needs if they can't continue it with their own health and family situations.

That is for them to sort and have their own healthy boundaries with her and is separate from you saying no for very reasonable reasons.

My mother was not abusive as such but she was an alcoholic and not particularly interested in me. I would say she often found me irritating, and that still stings. She's dead now, and I have been able to make people see how her behaviour affected me.

@NotAbabysitter I think that by putting your foot down firmly, you've got an opportunity here to really reckon with what happened to you and heal a little. I think you're absolutely right to refuse, and ideally you book yourself a lovely break somewhere nice. It might be time to spell out to your sisters calmly and directly why you are not willing to help. Stop with the cards. Stop with the old patterns. Start with the therapy, maybe. The past is painful but the future doesn't have to be.

wrong thread

”It doesn’t” - try consulting a dictionary every now and then 😂

The fact that you are talking about fictional creatures created by L. Frank Baum as if they were real is also very telling. Don’t worry: no fear of you impressing me, so you’re safe!

I've done this, and I can see why 2 people doing more than they could deal with and going round the twist trying to balance everything would be pissed off that someone who could ease the load wasn't doing. It doesn't mean that OP should do anything.

You need to go away for peace of mind. I don’t want to say too much about my own situation as it’s outing but it’s uncannily close to yours. If you don’t go away they will turn up. It’s control and it is out of order when you have made your feelings clear.

I think it would be money well spent. Once you've booked something it'll be a weight off your shoulders. How dare they.

I would go away. If they leave her on your doorstep, you will be left with the same responsibility any of us would have for a person in distress, which means you would need to at least contact emergency services. Over Christmas and being your mother, getting her turned over will take time.

your sisters are making a choice to be caregivers. They aren’t doing you a favor and there is no implicit share that they are covering for you. Our abusive parents are not owed our care in their old age.

my personal boundary is that I will make phone calls and manage accounts so that hired staff can provide care. I will never be an onsite caregiver myself. I know how I would be treated and I am not going to put myself through that.

Was it only you who received childhood abuse?

Hell yes - even if you have to pay it off in the new year just get yourself gone.
Do not however sign your inheritance away - it will not make up for the way you was treated but you could do something you know she would hate with it.

It sounds like your inner child is still seeking approval. Your sisters' behaviour is also bordering on abusive. In your shoes, I would not only go away for the holidays, but I would cut contact with all of them.

I think you need to contact them again and say that while you are going to be away over Christmas so can’t help them with your mother, you want to be clear you will never do care for her. So if it looks like your mother needs care and it’s getting too much for them, you are happy for them to investigate care home options or carers in her home if it’s not that bad, you don’t expect an inheritance and are happy for it to all go in care fees, be that carers/cleaners or a care home. But due to the abuse you suffered at her hand you will never do care yourself.

"My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help."

Sounds like they've gone nuclear. But I feel for them as they're probably fed up that you've got a "Get out of Jail" card that they can't invoke.

You're being incredibly patronising, and you're right, you didn't do an analysis of their life, you passed a highly derogatory judgment based on a poster saying they totally understand and support their sibling's decision to go no contact but as a human being they occasionally feel frustration at what that means for them (ie increased burden etc).

You really are coming across as the aggressive one, and it's horrid.