To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

If there’s a risk of them driving to yours and dumping her on your doorstep then yes, absolutely go away for Christmas if that’s what you’re happy doing. The alternative would be to just ignore them knocking, they can’t force their way into your home.

You’re projecting. You have no idea why that pp’s sibling is NC or if their parent is a narcissist yet you continue to aggressively badger her and effectively accuse her of being complicit in abuse. She said she loves and supports her sibling but as a human, sometimes feels frustrated and resentful at having to bear the extra burden. Can you really not understand the nuance and complexities of that dynamic?

OP, definitely go away over Christmas and tell your sisters in no uncertain terms that you will not be bullied into providing care for your mum.

Why is she allowed to continously post to me but I'm not allowed to reply? It doesn't work like that, if she doesn't want to engage then she should stop replying surely

If I get a notication from someone I'm going to reply. If she doesn't want me to reply then she needs to stop tagging me 🤷‍♀️

Noone is responsible for providing care for their parents if they don't want to do it. You tell your sisters to arrange care through social services or, if funds permit, to book her into a home for respite care.

But they have no right to be “pissed off” they should have empathy for their poor sibling.

Wow OP please ignore the abuse enablers on this thread.

I would cut them all off your sisters have no empathy for you and their behaviour is appalling.

I don think you should be forced to leave your home, stand firm if they dump her on your doorstep, they may otherwise try this again.

I hope you manage to come to a decision that supports what you want to do.

why should she pay for her abuser to go somewhere???

Or, at some other time of the year of the sisters' choosing.

So many pages of debate and petty arguing here.
OP has her reasons for not wanting any contact with her mum and if I was her I would be doing exactly what I wanted to do over Christmas, be that spending it a home or going away.
As of now I would be contacting my sisters to remind them of my reasons for not having anything to do with mum, and that whilst I understood and was sorry that my not involving myself in her care made it more difficult for them, my mind would not be changed about this ever and that if they no longer wanted to share responsibility for her wellbeing they should seek outside help.
I don’t believe for one minute that they would just dump their mum on OP’s doorstep - no one who professed to care for someone could leave them somewhere they knew they wouldn’t be welcome. To me this is just a threat made in the hope that she will change her mind.
As to the OP sending Christmas and birthday cards to her mum - 2026 should be the year this stops. This years Christmas card should be the last one and include a note spelling out clearly ( but kindly if at all possible) why for her own peace of mind she wants no further contact.

.

I think I would consider sending your DM and DSis’s a cease and desist letter, or even start the process for getting a restraining order against all three, from your solicitor.

Then you can call the Police on them if they try to dump your mother on you, (after sending a C&D letter, and you will also show you mean business for any future planned ambushes) and your mum will also know your intentions and will not want them to do this…

I would be really confrontational about it. I would be say absolutely not. Retell them word for word exactly what was done to you and why you don’t have a relationship with your mother. Then I would be saying if you don’t want her there don’t have her there but that doesn’t mean she comes to me. Forget I’m her daughter because as far as I’m concerned she is not my mother and I have no responsibility towards her.

Get a ring camera. Leave for the holidays. If they leave her on your doorstep phone police and social services. You have given them plenty warning that u are (rightfully) not going to be there and be responsible. And then consider going low contact with them too as they clearly don’t give a fuck how u feel. Don’t let them bully u into this.

I would definitely book and go away. It’s a clear message, there won’t be a scene on your doorstep and you can do something you like. I’d also stop sending the cards.

Get booking you might get a good deal at the moment then its done and you can send them your confirmation email sans destination

That.

Just book something and then you won’t have to wander everytime you have a delivery of it is your mother the package.

If it were me i would remind your sisters in no uncertain terms what your mother did to you (if you bear to dredge it up again). Ask if they have conveniently forgotten, and say under no circumstances will you be looking after her Tell them to arrange care or contact social services

Your sisters don't HAVE to do the care for her, any more than you do. They're making their choice, you're making yours. Maybe remind them of that. And go away for Christmas. Enjoy!

Because she's your mum regardless of the childhood she gave you.
I'm sorry to hear this.
100% go away xx

My dad has treated me a bit like your mum treated you OP, I've got 2 sisters as well, who are treated better than me. I'm low contact with my dad but do occasionally meet him for coffee, despite the way he's treated me.

I think the reason we continue is we are conditioned to do it, it feels "normal", it's hard to cut the ties completely. I understand how you feel, it's hard.

Go away, enjoy yourself, do not be dictated to by your sisters. You will feel alot better not being around, incase they do drop your mother off fo you.....you won't be there. Sometimes in life we have to put ourselves first, and this is one of those times.

Darling... You don't sound to me like you were doing anything other than being a child. I wouldn't say an overly naughty child either going from what you've said... It sounds to me like she was just not a very nice person and for whatever reason why, she took it out on you when she should have been nurturing you and encouraging play.
I know 'it was a different time back then' but abuse/neglect is not ok whenever it was.
I've been on a journey of discovery for the past 17 months since my ADHD diagnosis and a lot from my childhood came to light. Things my mum said and did that gave me issues for a very long time that these days would be classed abusive/neglected.
It was a different time then.
I'm sorry you've had the childhood experience you had.
You were just being a child lovely.
Your mum was the problem.

Absolutely go away and as others have suggested, go no contact with them.
2026, the cards stop darling x

Take care of yourself 💞

Tell them you’ll phone the police on them for abandonment. So sorry for what you went and what you’re going through

Me too I think you should go away for a few days or just go and stay with a good friend. I'm much older than you but was in a comparable situation - my mother always hated me and when the time came my father suffered from dementia and could no longer defend me she even started saying things like "I wish you were dead" to me. I went no-contact after many years of abuse. She died last year. I did not go and see her, did not go to her funeral. My siblings know what happened but still disavowed me because they think I should've continued visits, calls, presents etc. because of the simple fact she birthed me. I will still get my legal share of the inheritance - of the little she left over, she always had "a hole in her hand" for money. No regrets. You have to protect yourself, your physical health and your sanity. It's self-defence.

Please just book to go away.otherwise she will be on your doorstep.i wish you all the best x

Go away by all means or don’t answer the door. You are in no way obliged to have her, outrageous of your sisters not to respect this.