To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

[NotAbabysitter]

I am extremely low contact with my mother due to childhood abuse. I literally send her a birthday and Xmas card each year. I have a strained relationship with my 2 sisters as they have to do all of the care.

This year they have decided that they are splitting the days Xmas eve/day/Boxing Day between the 3 of us????? I have NEVER seen my mother over Xmas since I left home and I don’t intend to. My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help. I told them absolutely NO. They have said she will be dropped at my house one of the 3 days , I told them I won’t be there I will be away . I now am intending to actually book something as I’m not being held to ransom when they leave her on my doorstep.

They know what happened to me and I can’t understand no matter how difficult their circumstances are this year that they’d think it appropriate to re involve me in this way ?

"pop-psychology" - someone is in the FOG. Also you can't dismiss something as pop psychology when you don't even know what it means - Google it FFS - there is many videos and websites explaining triangulation

Regardless, we can 100 % say that any qualified professional psychologist would not dream of diagnosing anybody on the internet or go anywhere near forcing their pontifications on somebody who is clearly telling you to stop. What is making you or the other poster think this is remotely acceptable? Mind-boggling.

I don't agree that @NotAbabysitter should take the mother back from whence she came. She needs to raise an elder care concern with the social services department and if her sisters don't like it, tough. It may be the only way that any of them gets what sounds to be a needed break.
If the mother does then appear on the doorstep, phone call to the emergency social care team and/or police because she has been abandoned.
All this sounds heartless and unloving but I've been on the receiving end of parental abuse and neglect growing up. To the extent that I have been extremely mentally unwell as an adult. Going no contact was the only way to create space to begin to heal and for treatment to begin to work for me.
I completely understand @NotAbabysitter position and understand why you feel the need to run so you're not at home if your sisters make good on their threat to abandon the mother on your doorstep. Get a ring doorbell with video card so if they do pull this stunt you have evidence. Make sure you also have it in writing where you have said to both of them that you cannot have her at your home under any circumstances, ever. If they do abandon the mother, you need to be able to defend your position against elderly abuse accusations should it come to it.

I’m so sorry, OP - this sounds awfully upsetting. I think you are amazing for having the strength to resist the urge to go completely the other way and spend your life trying to prove your worth. You sound like a very strong person who deserves to find their own happiness.
So what would YOU like to do for Christmas? What would the holiday season look and feel like for you if this wasn’t having over your head? Would you still choose to go away? Who would you spend time with?
Forget everything else, and choose YOUR Christmas x

No, stand firm.
You will not do anything for her whatsoever.
You're not in the wrong at all.

I'm just curious as to why, if your childhood was so abusive, your sisters maintain a good relationship with your mother? Look, you don't have to look after your mother. No one can force you to. However, your sisters clearly need some sort of support right now. My guess is that you would rather your relationship with them break down rather than see your mother. That said, if you do care about your sisters, could you help out in other ways? Perhaps you could do some chores for your sisters to free up some of their time? Perhaps you could pay for some care for your mother for the day? There are plenty of things that you could do to help out indirectly if you wanted to.

I'm just curious as to why, if your childhood was so abusive, your sisters maintain a good relationship with your mother?

Are people really this ignorant?

Everything from favouritism to the golden child/scapegoat dynamic to sisters being more incentivised or inclined to overlook abuse if they suffered it (one child not being prepared to sit and take it is often incentive enough; some people need parental approval more than others and playing off the "bad" child can get you extra points) to not wanting to accept that the parent was abusive.

Can't believe it needs explaining.

However, if you are so curious, you could try reading OP's posts. She explains it. Your curiosity can be satisfied.

Yes go away if you can OP. I don’t think your sisters can expect you to share in providing care for your mother but you may have to go no contact with all of them to shut this down. I bet their relationship with her is unhealthy in some way. Otherwise they would show empathy and compassion for you and unless she is genuinely incapacitated they could leave her alone on one of the days. It’s telling that they don’t/can’t.

Do you have a partner and/or DCs that you’ll be spending Christmas with? Are they happy to go away? If so, or equally if you’re on your own, go for it. Or could you maybe go to ILs or to friends?

I think your sisters are also abusive to you. They have no right to break the boundaries put in place re: your mother.

And mine.
Keep your powder dry OP

OP my concern is that if your other is left on your doorstep while you are in the house refusing her entry and the police are called, that she will be treated as a vulnerable person and you will charged with elder abuse, no matter how unjust that may be. I doubt that it would actually get to court but it would be a very unpleasant situation. At Christmas people can become quite emotional, the police and social services will be understaffed and very busy and may lack the ability to provide appropriate alternative care so the pressure would be put on you. For these reasons I think a short break away from home is the best solution for you.
Good luck

Personally I wouldn't go away, they'll continue to pull things like this.
They know how you feel, make it clear you won't be taking her and if they drop her and go you'll call the police to collect her

You don’t have to run away to make others to respect your decisions. Tell your sisters to never contact you again and if they’ll leave your mother at your doorstep you’ll drive her back and drop her at their doorstep

NotAbabysitter I'm so sorry you had such a terrible life with your mother.

Your sisters will never understand this. Your experience of that women is so far removed from theirs, they won't easily empathise. They don't see any of this in her. Their mother is an inconvenience who needs farmed out for Christmas. Your mother was a vile cunt who deserves to be dumped on your driveway while you're having a lovely Christmas elsewhere.

Stay strong OP, you owe her nothing. ❤

What happens to your mum all the other days of the year? Surely if she can manage then she can manage on the 1 day they want you to have her.

Could you tell them you appreciate their circumstances are really challenging, but you are “not an option and never will be”.

“I have no contact beyond cards for years and it has to stay that way for my own sanity. Even the thought of it has put me into a panic”.

Then, if you can, pick somewhere that will be a treat to go and book up as soon as possible so it’s not in the back of your mind any longer, even as a possibility.

It sounds ridiculous that you're going to have to flee your home for a minimum of 3 days around the holidays because your sisters who 100% know that you are practically no contact with your mother have decided they're literally going to dump her on your doorstep one of the days over the holidays and you don't even know when, and it's not even a matter of knocking on the door and calling you and then going back home, they're literally going to leave her there, which is so ridiculous it sounds like something out of a poorly written sitcom.
I would say that if it's at all possible for you, (hopefully you don't have any pets) then yeah, tell your sisters you're not going to be there, and then don't be there. Which will be nice for you, it'll be nice for you to get away, I mean it sucks to have to literally flee your home, you wouldn't have chosen to otherwise, but try to make a good time out of it for yourself.

And, in the future, if you're ever thinking about moving, 100% don't tell your family where you're going. Because then this won't happen again.

Does your mother actually need looking after or is it your sisters who think you should 'do your bit'? Hardly matters really...I agree with other posters, now is the time to be clear that you will not be having your mother over at any time. You don't need to go away. Otherwise you'll be in the same situation next year.

I think you are going to have to go away. Otherwise you won’t be able to relax.

Your sisters don’t sound like they want much to do with your mother either. Who would dump their mother on the door step of someone who has been non contact? They seem to be just taking her out of a sense of duty. You ate absolutely correct to be non contact but I wonder is their a perspective from your sisters that you aren’t seeing? It sounds like you could do with having a non confrontational, calm chat where you hear their perspective and outline that you will never be able to assist them with your mother because of what happened to you as a child.

Stop the cards.

Send your sisters a formal email / letter setting out clearly exactly what was done to you.

Inform them that as children they had the best of her.

Now it's their turn to deal with the worst of her.

And that what you suffered at her hands means that you will have nothing more to do with her, for your own wellbeing and mental health.

And that this means you will not be taking any part in dealing with her over Christmas.

It does sound like you'll be best going away, in case of a dump and run. Shame they're stressed but between them they can deal with this.

This

It'll be less stressful to go away but ultimately you don't have any obligation to help somebody that was complicit in your abuse (assuming that was the case) and if your sisters can't respect that then they need to be told. If they won't respect it then I'd seriously be considering whether I wanted them in my life either.

It’s awful that you are being out in this position if you don’t want to go away, but I think it will be the only way you don’t spend three days on edge. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Because OP and her sisters had two different mothers, even though each mother was the same person. Her sisters had a loving mother and OP had an abusive one. Their mother brought OP's two sisters up to despise and reject their own sister and to believe that their mum's abusive treatment of their older sister was justified.

OP owes her mother nothing and she owes her sisters nothing.

Flying monkeys are real 😅 it's a well known term for people with toxic families. I suspect your no contact sibling knows the terminology