DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

I'd ask him outright if he actually likes his daughter, when she isn't there. It's ok to find one another a bit annoying from time to time but putting someone down or constant criticism is not on at all. If my DH was putting one of my DDs down all the time his ears would be ringing and he'd be out on his arse.

I know alot of people will disagree with me, but I would find her annoying, and irritating.
The constant talking, going round the houses, and never still could be distracting if you want to relax.

I would as well to be honest. How long was the video?

There were about 4 videos each a minute or so long.
I guess she broke them up so they wouldn’t take ages to send.

I would understand the irritating thing if she was always up in our face but she isn’t, most evenings she comes home does her homework/studies, goes out and then comes home and goes to her room and yeah she does talk a lot and share stories that we probably don’t need to know (such as 30 seconds of the video being her showing us a pigeon and asking what it should be named) but I prefer that to her just not sharing her life with us.

Seems they are a bit incompatible. I have a similar situation here in my household.
My strategy is remind the person that the other doesn't like or is not into a particular thing and also speak out and name the feelings. For example, I'd say to my daughter: you are taking too long to get to the point of your story, dad style is on the brief side, try be more succint or you risk him getting frustrated... or to him: you know your daughter's style is to tell all the details, have patience or risk her not telling you things anymore.
I try to tell this very openly so people absorb it and learn about each other and how to meet each others needs.
Doesn't work every time though and is bloody exhausting - so recommended short term

A minute isn’t too bad although I suppose four is a lot. I was envisioning ten minute videos monologuing about pigeons.

It’s a difficult one because as much as finding your child annoying is bad for their self esteem, if someone really is being irritating it’s incredibly hard to quash that irritation. One of mine was trying to tell me some long story this morning and to be honest it was complete drivel but I was already late for a class and I ended up having to just brusquely say ‘tell me later’ and close the door mid sentence as nice ways of extracting myself hadn’t worked!

I do think it might not be a bad thing for your DD to realise that listening is a two way process and to try to be respectful of others time. Hard I know.

The thing is DD is respectful of our time, by sending videos there is clearly no demand we watch them instantly or in full, she just wanted to yap on her way home.
Of all our kids she is the only one who also takes an interest in our lives, she’s forever asking what did we do at work, how did we do it, did we enjoy it etc. she isn’t self centred she’s just very vibrant and for the most part is just going about her day with energy.
I really don’t see how her dancing in the kitchen while making breakfasts or telling us about a part of her day which made her happy even if we won’t get the same joy out of it, is her doing anything wrong. DH loves to share stories about what he is doing, just doesn’t like DD doing the same as she is more vibrant and expressive in her storytelling.

She sounds quite unusual OP for 16. How does she get on at school and socially?

Might she have adhd or something?

No, I’m sure she’s lovely, but a lot of people do feel pressured when someone sends a lot of messages especially in quick succession. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong but I can see how it would be a lot as well.

Yes she has lots of friends, did really well in her GCSEs (6-9 across the board), has both a few close friends and then also a wider group of friends she goes to parties etc. with, currently a few months into her first “relationship”.

I have thought she might have ADHD and we paid for a private assessment but they would give a diagnosis as there were no signs from before 12 and that appears to be a requirement.

No advice from me but... She sounds really lovely OP. I think in this day and age, to have children who are so keen and want to keep their family in the loop is so wonderful. I only have a 2 year old, but I would be so happy if my daughter, at 19, was still excited to tell me about her day. I don't think your DH knows how blessed he is. Whatever you've done to raise your DD, I personally think, you've got it really right ❤️

is DD an extrovert and DH an introvert? A strong extrovert needs all energy from their surroundings, an introvert needs quiet to recharge. If so, as (close to) adults both need to develop understanding of the needs of the other.

She sounds a bit like DS2, he's AuDHD. Constantly on the go morning til night, very sporty, communication style is much more round the houses than any of the rest of us (all ND but it expresses differently). I can deal with it when talking with him in person, as like your DD he's funny and engaging in conversation, but sending me long, pointless videos like that would drive me nuts. I'm his mum, not one of his Instagram followers, I hate, hate, hate this trend for teens treating everyone like a social media audience, like everyone has to be interested in them commentating on everything they do, from eating cereal to walking home from school. Ain't nobody got time for that nonsense, and my kids know not to talk to me in Instagram reel-ese. It's annoying and rather inane to me. But it seems to be something a lot of teens do these days. YABU for thinking it's cute. It's not real communication, it's just talking at people, not conversing with them.

DH is BU for watching it if those videos annoy him, he just needs to ignore them and if she asks if he watched the video just say he was working/busy/didn't have time to watch several minutes of video but would love to hear all about her day now.

Aw I really like the sound of her. My youngest is 9 and she’s always been a real live wire and she’s very different to the rest of us. I recognise her in what you’re saying. I think my daughter is awesome, a bright, sunny force of nature, and I’m sure yours is too.

It sounds like there is a bit of a personality clash there. It’s a shame. But I’m not sure there is much you can do, other than chat to your husband about it. I feel like he’ll really regret this in years to come though.

Video sounds annoying…. My step son does this… it’s so incoherent.

it’s cute when she was 12 but now she 19… I worry… but maybe it’s the youth of today?

She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow

All that in 4 minutes?

And you cant see why this is exhausting? She sounds genuinely lovely, but hard work.

This was my first thought. But it strikes me that a formal diagnosis wouldnt make OP's DH any less irritated. He's either going to embrace DD's quirks or not. I suspect not.

What do you mean by stop it? Are you planning on telling her Dad to shut up and suck it up that he finds her too much?

The thing is you might find her hilarious, brilliant, and witty. Yet others including your DH might find her over the top, performative, and a bit boring due to the fact she's just too full on. Obviously none of us know which version she actually is.

But I'd be careful in continuing to cultivate something that might still be charming now, and turn out to very annoying in a few years in a work environment. The singing, and then "oh look there's a pigeon, what shall we name the pigeon?" Would very much bore me if I'm honest.

She sounds lovely op and a lot like my DD who happens to be neurodivergent.
She has calmed down a lot in her twenties, not as chaotic but still so vibrant and full of curiosity and creativity.

I wouldnt say your DD needs to grow up though, your DH sounds like the self appointed fun police in your family.

It is lovely that your DD wants to be close and involve you both in her life at this age.

Could she have been nervous walking home in the dark and needed to feel like she was in context with someone?

I do understand her personality is not going to be to everyone’s liking. However I think it’s really important parents don’t constantly put their children down and DH never has a nice thing to say about DD, it’s always she’s too this, too that.

I’m also not worried about her going into work as teachers always say she works hard, is polite, listens etc. she clearly knows there are times where you can be your full vibrant self (such as around family) and times where you get your head down, get on with the work and focus (such as at school or work).

Yes that is why she would have tried to FaceTime and I imagine she went to videos instead so it still seemed like she was talking to someone.
It was dark and late and she does get a bit nervous walking home alone after a group of boys made some remarks at her in the summer which made her feel uncomfortable.

Is your DH aware of all this?.I can't understand a father not feeling protective over a 16 year old daughter walking around at night on her own.
Sorry I don't mean to make you feel worse but how is your DH generally at parenting? Is it only dd1 he has an issue with?

He sounds self absorbed (what you said about only interested in talking to dd if it's about his interests).

My DH and DD went through a difficult phase and I felt like I was constantly meditating between them. Neither seemed to understand the other and it was hard work.
Dh would say he "wanted a quiet life" when there was one thing after another, and I realised his capacity for stress was not very high. He would get overstimulated easily and lash out.
I told him what I was noticing and he started pursuing an outdoor hobby which he found relaxing, and he tried to be more aware of when he was feeling overwhelmed and disregulated.

It sounds like the more DH voices his issues, the more determined you are to push him to engage with her. I think you need to step back a bit and not force things. It's not ideal that they clash, but if you keep trying to make him like the things about her that he finds annoying, or engage with her silly videos, it will only get worse, not better.

I understand the walking home thing, but friends and family can't always be available for FaceTime exactly when she wants, either, unless this is something she discusses beforehand and pre-arranges with you, siblings, friends, etc. Age 16 is old enough to realise that others have demands on their time too. I think possibly you may be a bit blind to the impact DD may be having on others simply because these things don't bother you.