DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

She did well in her GCSEs and school always say she is focused etc in class. I think being able to sit still and focus in class is all we can ask from her as an active person. She ours a lot of time and energy into sports, be that helping with coaching, participating herself or working out alone so she has figured out how to channel all her energy. I can’t see how that’s a bad thing!
Her pacing around her room doesn’t impact anyone so to me it’s a non-issue even if DH views it as “strange”.

Your daughter sounds like a brilliant person and I can only wish my kids grow up like that. I'd dream of having such a relationship with my future teens! I think your DH is a self-centered prick, frankly. Only bonding with his kids if they're interested in chess or history?! What a boring grump! He's jealous of your daughter's brilliance and joy and maybe somehow thinks it's throwing him shade?! He's the one who needs to grow up! It's clearly a reflection on him rather than your daughter. I'd talk to him and say that he's being immature and he needs to have a good look at himself. And I'd talk to your daughter and tell her that what her dad says and thinks is truly not a reflection on who she is as a person.

Me too.

Your daughter sounds wonderful OP! This might sound a bit nuts but I’ve read with teenage boys the mothers can go through a phase of finding them annoying and rather repulsive. It’s natures way of making sure we ‘push them out of the nest’, I wonder if this is the same stage but for your husband? He wouldn’t have had that with your son and not there yet with your younger daughter… I remember going through it with my eldest son, but now we get on great. My younger son is at that stage now and my husband has to remind me to ‘pick my battles’ etc… maybe your husband needs to practice the ‘let them’ theory a bit!

I have a dd very similar to your dd, and they are rays of sunshine in a bleak world.

Sorry to be blunt, but he sounds like a cunt. He is deliberately horrible to her and this began when she was a small child and wasn't exactly like him. This behaviour would make me fall out of love with him immediately. Possibly, his neglect and indifference towards her has made her keep trying too hard and is completely counter-productive as it just makes him dislike her more.

There was a recent post on here where the OP's husbad was horrible about her oldest child but nice to the younger child. However, he was the step-father to the older child. Your DD is his own daughter yet he seems to have no paternal or protective feelings towards her at all.

It's not her problem if it bores you. She doesn't need to change her personality for you to find her more acceptable.

Honestly, what is wrong with people?

Except it sounds like this twat has been overly critical and cold with his dd since she was a little kid..... Frankly if I was her mum or dad I'd just be thankful that this blatant rejection hasn't dulled her sparkle or caused serious emotional problems (yet)

I sympathise with both parents here. She does sound lovely obviously, but also does sound like there is some adhd maybe or along that spectrum. The video is incredibly annoying, sorry. I do get where DH is coming from there and he might also just dislike that whole social commentary thing as would I. The difference in generations these days with social media etc is hard for parents. If you have a parent and child as complete opposites in the way they think and go about everything its probably normal to feel a bit of disconnect but agree dh has to do more to not let this come across to her because you dont want her to get any issues as she gets older as you never know how that could impact her later in life, he needs to be proactive and do something they can both enjoy together and let her know he loves her and her personality.

I would say to your husband that studies say that to not erode relationships and self confidence you should have 5 positive interactions with a partner to every 1 negative.

So 5 compliments or positive gestures to one criticism or neutral interaction.

This is often a wake up call to the ‘of course I love them’ brigade who never show it

Good god, there are some really cunty answers on this thread. OP, your daughter sounds lovely and interesting and unique. Your DH sounds like he treats her awfully and your DD is a credit to herself for not letting her father's obvious disappointment in her curb her personality. We can't all be liked by everyone, but it seems a shame that your DH can't appreciate her for who she is. I would have absolutely pulled my DH up if he was like this and I'm not surprised it makes you sad.

I have serious problems with your husband's attitude - you've said he's 'mean' in so many of your posts.

DD doesn’t seem to care if he is critical and will typically stand up for herself if he’s being really mean

I felt sad reading that. A grown man, her Dad FGS! shouldn't be really mean on a consistent basis to his own daughter.

As for a potentially ADHD diagnosis - do you think that will in any way alter your husband's attitude towards her?

Don’t listen to boring old mumsnetters who spend their weekends sitting in criticising a teenage girl, your daughter does not need to change but your dh does.

She sounds absolutely delightful OP (much like my own youngest)! I don’t think people always ‘get’ girls like this and they are missing out! I wouldn’t read to much into your husband’s reaction.

I’m sorry but she sounds incredibly annoying. It may just be the way you’re describing her but I feel exhausted reading it.

I also think ADHD because if this is a fair description of what she’s like every day, it’s far from normal. At 16, she should be able to follow a conversation in a linear manner.

I suspect she does have ADHD and this is the result of her training herself to sit and conform, work hard at school (to her credit), so when she is no longer in the environment where she has to, it’s like the Coke can effect where everything she’s suppressed all day is coming out at hyper speed.

With regard to pre-12, I feel there would be signs if you really thought about it. Your descriptions of her being sunny, full of joy and happy to just exist are what my ADHD daughter was like when she was younger too.

All else aside, I read your post and worry about an impending burnout. That level of activity, in her brain, body and verbally, isn’t sustainable. People with ADHD, especially undiagnosed, females especially, are very much at risk of burnout in late teens/early 20s.

I know, right? Imagine if she lived in the US or somewhere, it would almost be expected that she be outgoing and enthusiastic but show emotion in the UK you’ll be told by a load of losers on an online forum that you’re ND despite them having no qualifications or the full context like her developmental history. Christ, the world is gone mad.

I am imagining her like Amelie in the movie, and she sounds so lovely. I would treasure those videos. My DD is autistic and struggles with communication and the times when she is chattier (which are fairly rare) are just fantastic because i love to see anyone express their personality freely. I think your DH is in the wrong here. Even if he finds her annoying deep down, he really needs to not show her. My Dad found me annoying and showed it and it really damaged my self esteem. He also tried to force me to be interested in history, and it had the opposite effect! Do remind him how lucky he is to have a mentally healthy, happy, academic teen. So many parents are not in his position.

FFS she has been assessed by a professional and told that she doesn't have ADHD. She is self-disciplined enough to get up early and excercise and make herself a healthy breakfast. She does very well at school. OP hasn't said anything about her being chaotic or disorganised. She has just said she's chatty and likes to be on the go. TBH she sounds very like my 2 teenage nieces and pretty much every teen girl I've ever met only if anything more focussed and more organised and less emotionally volatile. She sounds like she's thiriving tbh and not at all in need of a diagnosis.

Seriously stop filling parent's heads with this bullshit idea that any time a child is a tiny bit annoying or inconvenient they're neurodivergent. It's really unhelpful to that child and society as a whole and it's fucking insulting to people who actually are ND.

Regardless of whether she's ND or not her bloody father shouldn't be mean towards his own daughter, on a daily basis and for most of her life by the sound of it!

She sounds absolutely brilliant. All your children do. You must be doing a great job as a parent for them to be so wonderful despite their father.

The defensiveness is coming across on here, because you don't seem to be at all open to anyone's point of view who is telling you that they too would find the things you describe your DD doing grating, demanding and exhausting. If this is how you respond to DH if he raises anything regarding her behaviour, I can see how this dynamic has become more entrenched because you are entirely taking her side. He's hearing "what's the problem? She's sunny and vibrant and wonderful and really we hardly see her and the videos are no problem for me!" Which is only making him double down, if it's coming across to him like it is on here.

I'm sure that annoying others isn't her intention. Especially if she does have ADHD. DS2 doesn't realise it or intend it, but his behaviour is sometimes utterly exhausting because the chatter and the movement never stop. It can feel like he demands much more attention than others because when he is in a room you can't not pay attention to him, because everything is narrated or accompanied by noise. He's also got much more into Instagram culture than his older brother and at times the repeating of things from there is tedious. But he doesn't do any of it to deliberately annoy or take space from others.

I feel like I can separate the behaviours I find annoying from the person he is though, as these are things he is doing, not things he is - he's 16, he's still growing and changing. I also know that some of it is me. I am not "sunny and vibrant" or extroverted by nature. I can turn that on when I need to, but I am naturally introverted. That doesn't make me right and DS2 wrong, or vice versa. We are just different, and because of that we rub each other up the wrong way. It seems like your DH isn't able to do that, or realise that, he's making this about her as a human being, he's seeing these things as her faults and not a personality clash between them, and that's the bit you may have more success with shifting.

If he says "she's too sporty" rather than rushing to defend her, you could say "it seems you're finding it difficult that DD doesn't have the same interests as you and you don't have much to talk about". If he says "she's too loud" you could say "it looks like her need to express herself is clashing with your need for quiet". If he complains about sending inane videos, you could say "the videos seem particularly intrusive for you - perhaps it would be better if you didn't watch them sometimes?"

The thing I'm taking away from this thread is I'm glad I don't have a busy family WhatsApp chat crammed with random videos and voice notes! My head would explode. I'm very glad my DC save their TikTok creator wannabe attempts for their friends!

What are your qualifications to diagnose her exactly? Do you know her? Do you have her developmental history? Has op said she
is struggling with everyday tasks/ school/ friendships? No, so be quiet. Stop reading non evidence based crap on Instagram and trying to diagnose people.

Do you have children? This is a 16 yr old girl sending videos to her parents that they can watch at their leisure. While she's nervous walking home at night. As opposed to a grown man so set in his ways he's annoyed by his child sending him a video.

Like I said, we have had her assessed, DD isn’t interested in being assessed again as she doesn’t feel like she has any issues and actually was quite upset following the first assessment as she felt as though we were saying there was something wrong with her being who she is naturally.
We thought really hard, spoke to sports coaches who have known her since she was 4 about any pre-12 signs and there just weren’t any. Even now there are some adhd adjacent traits sure, but she is genuinely good at focusing, doesn’t find it difficult, even if it’s a subject she doesn’t enjoy, really good at meeting deadlines, doesn’t procrastinate.

She is perfectly capable of having a normal conversation and telling a story succinctly when needed but sometimes when she just lets herself live she will be more distractible.

If DD ever wanted to be assessed again be that in a week or in a decade we would go out of our way to support her with this.

This, I’m waiting for her parenting tips…