DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

Meh they are just different. She sound annoying, he sounds boring and you're overthinking it.

Me too . There’s a balance to be had .

It turned into a whole debate between them with DD arguing that while it was probably necessary as the legal framework didn’t fully exist and their had to be some sort of punishment, ethically it is a grey zone if the victor is the one conducting the trial etc.
DH doesn’t like to be challenged by DD but if DS or DD2 said the same he would have been pleased they were taking an interest and thinking about it in more depth.
He has assigned DD as the sporty/science kid and doesn’t like it if she leaves that box.

She sounds absolutely delightful. Genuinely. A lot like my son (without the homework part!!). Sunshine personified.

Your DD sounds like a great kid.
Maybe being the middle child makes her a bit more in your face. But I don't want to say anything which sounds like a criticism. I hope Mr. Dull Dad doesn't rub the edges off her.

I am sorry but I think your DH sounds awful.
I like the sound of your DD. She does sound very extrovert and active, which I also am to a lesser extent (and I do also have ADHD but lots of other traits like inconsistent attention and poor executive function and being time blind) and I do understand that people who are more introvert find that tiring. But your husband seems to openly favour his other DC and call DD annoying which I think is quite unforgivable really.

Yes I would also find her OTT and exhausting to be around rather than ‘vibrant’.

She does care, she's just so used to it. Its probably why she stays out of the way and why she won't visit often when she's left home. My mother didn't like me and never had a good word to say about me, I don't see them anymore.

All of the things shes doing doesn't matter. She sent videos because she was anxious walking home on her own. Nobody has to watch them but I'd be telling him that. What kind of dad wouldn't want their daughter to feel safe..

I'd be cornering him and giving him it straight. He can be bloody nice, even if he's not feeling it.

wow just wow, so he just doesn’t like her then.

Or if it that he’s unable to deviate from topics he isn’t interested in? Does he have restricted interests? How is his sociability generally? Does he talk to you about other things? Show interest in you? He sounds like the annoying one.

You clearly love your daughter a lot and appreciate her personality. She sounds excellent.

Does he not realize she has ADHD? Being ND isn't her fault and for me, one of the most painful things about it is the feeling that you're different, that it's so hard to be "normal". It's easy to tell when someone finds you weird or annoying, and my self-esteem has been low my entire life.

You and your DH need to have a serious discussion about how he's making her feel, and make some rules about how you both treat her. You say things likes she's so bright, vivid, and it's apparent that you love this about her, but please be cautious that your enjoyment of her behavior doesn't cause her to go overboard with it. She néeds love and support, but also limits.

She sounds like a really lovely young girl and i’d be pretty annoyed at DH’s comments too. How horrible.

That’s an interesting perspective on the Nuremberg trials worthy of a whole other thread. I think the question relevant to the thread is whether your DH engaged with your DD on the merits or otherwise of her argument, or shut it down. I mean, the legal framework did not exist and the Nuremberg trials, particularly the ones about medical experiments led to modern ethics in this area, and it’s difficult to see how else perpetrators of atrocities could have been brought to justice. But there are no doubt lessons which have been learnt from the trials themselves which went into the formation of The Hague International Court for War Crimes which is independent.
So I can see both sides of the argument, and probably the relevant point here is whether there is any meeting in the middle generally or whether DH just digs in against DD (which to be honest, I would find very problematic as the other parent - my ex called my DD annoying and it was one of the things which led to the end of our marriage, because it wasn’t just calling her that, it was his whole behaviour to her and I didn’t want her to grow up with that insidious curb on who she is).

I would find her too much too OP and am with your DH. I think it's just a personality clash and she is outgoing and he isn't, and it sounds like the other children are quieter too.

If she was genuinely scared of walking home in the dark then I wouldn't expect her to send silly videos (was she drunk after a night round friends?) and perhaps for her to say to you/dad beforehand when I leave my friends house I am happy to walk but can you answer the phone so I have company. Surely then it would make sense and DH would have no excuse (and then if he didn't answer you definitely would know he is being a dick).

The other thing that does stand out is how amazing you think she is. Several times you have made reference for her making her own breakfast! Surely at 16 this is normal? So I am not sure whether you are over celebrating her minor achievements in life and bigging her up a lot that she has an over inflated view of herself and her own importance (hence why she wants to share every minor thing with you as she thinks she is the only person that matters).

I think it is fair if DH points out when her behaviour is annoying e.g. I have just got up, you are being too loud in the kitchen at this time of day. But he does need to direct it to the behaviour and not her e.g. you are being annoying in the morning.
There does also need to be a balance as it is her home too, so if she is singing to herself then maybe recognising other people's emotions e.g. tiredness.
If she does move out in a few years you do need to consider if she was living with others how they would find her and if her own dad finds her behaviour too much, would others also think this too.
I do think however you do need to ensure he does see the good in her, though this is currently overshadowed by her other behaviours.

Ah she sounds lovely, but I can see how she might get a bit tiresome after a while for some people.

Even so, you'd have choices about how to react to her. Being mean and putting her down constantly, as the DH apparently does, is the worst possible choice.

Your dd sounds like me and I can see why people might find this exhausting!

Wowzers - miserable.

Just to point out to all the misery guts on this thread that the OP's daughter is 16 - not 19 years old.

Also @GugiGi I think she sounds like a breath of fresh air, and I would be delighted with a daughter like that. Your DH needs to calm down, and maybe act like a grown up so that he doesn't damage his teenage daughter's self esteem.

I have taught many lovely kids like her. I am always amazed at their energy. They always go on to great careers.
I would definitely challenge your DP. It's fine to be annoyed by certain things in life but it is pretty shit to be so routinely annoyed by your own child.

I agree with this.

Being unable to sit still isn’t necessarily a good thing.

Make a new group without DH.

It sounds as though your DH deliberately ignored the call from his daughter who was walking home alone in the dark. That is pretty shitty on his part. The call could have been because she thought she was in a dangerous situation, but that didn't matter to your DH. His irritation with his daughter's personality quirks trumped any concern that a father should have for his daughter.

The posters on here saying that your DD sounds immature and annoying may be correct if the behaviour was from someone they weren't close to or even didn't know at all. However, your DH is her father and his feelings of love towards her should override his irritation when nothing she does is malicious and at the worst, she is a bit over-exuberant and full-on. Is he even proud of her academic achievements?

I think I’m being more defensive than normal of her as lots of people are saying they wouldn’t like her etc. and while I did post this and expected mixed replies it’s natural as a parent to want to defend their child, especially when people are making assumptions.
DD isn’t getting in his way when she is going about her day, or being loud. By the time DH comes downstairs (works from home) DD has normally already left for school or is about to leave. You can’t hear her from upstairs.
She’s not listening to music loudly, always has earphones in if she is upstairs etc.

She wasn’t drunk, I imagine she probably tried to call some friends, FaceTime us then when no one replied sent videos until someone called her back.

I think it’s really sad how many people are saying DD needs to change her personality to be more palatable for others. She has lots of friends and is a happy girl, so I’m just glad she’s met people who love her for who she is without asking her to change as some of the replies would have you thinking she is insufferable and no one wants to be around her which isn’t the case at all.

God it's posts like this that make me want to leave this country and raise my own dd somewhere more wholesome.

We have what sounds to me like a lovely and very typical 16 year old. She is happy and full of life and curiosity. She's not a tiktok zombie. She doesn't seem to be taking drugs/drinking/hanging out in gangs intimidating others. She isn't selfish. She is full of love and willingness to socialise with her family. It's likely that her messages and chattiness are her love language. She's more than capable of looking after herself. She stays physically fit and works hard at school. She's pretty much how I am praying my 7YO dd will be in 10 years time. And what is her dad and the majority of our miserable society doing to her (if this thread is anything to go by)? Labelling her with ADHD, labelling her annoying and selfish, justifying her own dad constantly putting her down.

There's no wonder that kids in this country are growing up even more messed up than their miserable parents is there?!

OP I'd call your DH out every. Single. time he pulls this crap so that your dd can see you sticking up for her and I'd tell him in private to get a grip. Don't let this idiotic man create problems that aren't even there with your dd. She sounds like a lovely and well-adjusted young lady.

You can find the odd thing annoying and that’s natural, but you are not talking about that op, you are describing constant criticism. That is very damaging for her to listen to.
He clearly doesn’t really like her, which must be incredibly sad for you op. He openly dislikes her, and that will start to erode at her confidence and happiness..

He sounds very boring and difficult if he only engages with others around chess and history.

I think in your place, I would be having serious words with him about his criticism. I wouldn’t stand for it. If he can’t say something constructive then he must remain quiet.