DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

I’d be pissed off too OP. Your daughter sounds very like my son, and while I am aware that others might find him a bit much sometimes if her father felt that way I’d feel very annoyed.

Can she get straight to the point? Sometimes I need my eldest to get to the point. Get her to practice using the First Minute by Chris Fenning. Honestly this will be a massive help to future her.

I think I’m defensive of DD as I can’t remember the last time DH said something nice about her and it makes me sad.

Park this video example. Start observing closely. Have a proper conversation after a couple of weeks.

She can get to the point if it’s necessary, such if she is telling me about something that I need to act on, if I say can you speed up so I know what you need me to do she can and will.
But for random videos where she is telling us about her day/walk home she will go around the houses. Maybe I just find it endearing that she still lets us into her life. If you can’t be your full honest self with your family, who can you be it with?

I don’t even need to wait two weeks, there were some big things in the last year that I did have to call him out on, which I haven’t mentioned as we spoke about it and he apologised for. DD doesn’t seem to care if he is critical and will typically stand up for herself if he’s being really mean. I try not to interfere as he views it as me telling him how to parent but sometimes it’s just mean.

I hate long videos as I’m v impatient
But I would curb my annoyance for a DC -point out to him that DD going off out into the world and forming her career and her own life is much more likely with love and support from DPs -or does he want her around needing support long term

Then you need a serious conversation.

I don't think you should focus on whether she 'seems to care' - she may be hiding it.

If he is overly critical to one child he needs to either stop it or get help to work out what's going on with him.

I try not to interfere as he views it as me telling him how to parent but sometimes it’s just mean.

This sounds pretty serious.

Your daughter sounds amazing OP. I find it so interesting that so many posters point to finding a problem with her behaviour like ADHD. She clearly has energy, passion and spirit and her DF should not be trying to dull that!

The thing is you've just given us this one very small snapshot into it by saying about DH being annoyed about the long winded videos, and not being interested in sport when your DD is.

Although the responses here have been split, most people (me included) that just take it as in DD might just yap on a lot and DH isn't fussed on it. You're then coming back with some borderline defensive counter arguments to this. Which fair enough I totally get...

But as you hadn't really established much in the way of DH demonstrating unfair preferences towards your other kids until later on in the thread. Then it's a bit hard for anyone to try to suggest anything constructive as it's not really the full picture.

Just to add to my previous reply, while I agree with your DH that your DD was being annoying in this instance it sounds like there is a generally unhealthy dynamic between the three of you

It sounds like your DH has never gelled with DD1 the same way he had with your other DC. If she has (as is likely) picked up on this, this maybe both why she is out so much and why she exhibits attention-seeking/connection-seeking behaviours.

It sounds like you have then become rather protective of your DD and as a result don't the times when your DH may have a genuine point about your DD. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

In your defensiveness of DD it seems that maybe don't recognise the love and care that DH is showing for DD even if he doesn't gel with her. As I said he is still watching the videos which shows he loves and cares for her..

If he picks up on this he probably feels like you side with your DD and dismiss his feelings/frustrations even when he has a point, which really isn't going to help his relationship with his DD, And so the cycle continues.

Have you thought of you and your DH discussing both of your relationship with your DD with a counsellor?

She sounds wonderful OP. I hope she continues with her constant enthusiasm and zest for life. I could do with being more like her!

Your DH needs to embrace her personality, even when he’s feeling irritated, really. I would hate to see her enthusiasm curbed.

Oh my god let this girl live! She sounds brilliant and like she loves life, whether or not she’s your husband’s cup of tea personality wise, he shouldn’t be shitting on her. I’m sure she doesn’t shit on him when he wants to bang on about the battle of Hastings

It’s sad that when kids get to their teenage years it’s perfectly acceptable to show them we’re not interested. We give them our undivided attention when they want to share a school project with us when they’re 7 but show lack of interest when they want to talk about their lives when their teenagers, and then wonder why we don’t know what’s going on in their worlds

plenty of people in life including your husband will want her to “calm down a bit” or tell her “you’re a bit too much”, a lot of responses on here prove that. Fuck all of them and do your best to encourage her she doesn’t need to change for others. Plenty of us think she sounds amazing proving that there are people who would be grateful to have her around

She's 19 not 9. He didn’t say it to her face and she seems very self-absorbed. I'm in Camp DH.

She's 16 and apparently her father is habitually mean to her.

Thanks for the correction. I misread the 6 as 9.

My hisavnd does the same when telling a story. He never ever gets to the point and it does force all his friends mad.

Not the point of your thread at all, but questioning the ethics of the Nurembourg trials is a very sensible debate. The death penalty etc. I’m not sure why he’d shut that down - loads of Nazis were released in the 1950s.

A lot of these responses are what I would expect if someone described a co-worker, or a friend. She’s his daughter. Obviously that doesn’t mean he can’t find her annoying but he should have a bit of compassion and realise that his treatment of her will be fundamental to her development.

As someone who's dad didn't like them growing up, she will know.

My dad would tell my mam that he doesn't like me when I was in earshot, he called me annoying and not his cup of tea so often. My brother was the same. The only person in my house who genuinely liked me was my mam. We're still very close now, but I did always judge her for not defending me or telling dad to stop.

It left me wounded tbh. I was (still am to an extent) a proper "pick me" girl because I just craved male attention. I wanted them to like me, all of them.
DH, when I met him, called me out on these behaviours and genuinely likes who I am underneath.

Even small comments, small actions etc will erode her self confidence and will shape who she is when she's older. He can indeed find her annoying, he can even tell her that he finds certain behaviours annoying, but he has to reinforce that he loves her for who she is

Op don’t believe people on here telling you she has adhd just because she has zest for life, I’m a trainee psychologist and this unnecessary labelling of someone who is a little different is detrimental to the NHS. Your daughter sounds amazing, full of charisma, confident, energetic. I have a 1 year old, please do share how you have raised yours as I would love tips. I could only hope my daughter grows to be as happy as yours. Remember an extrovert will feel odd and awkward around a room full of introverts and vice versa, this is probably what’s happening to your dh but he’s the adult so needs to grow a pair.

To add, mumsnet attracts a higher proportion of introverts and armchair psychiatrists so you’re going to get a skewed view here.

She sounds exhausting. But since your husband knows your daughter, he shouldn't have even bothered to watch the inane videos, he would have known it was going to piss him off.

Oh and the whole Nuremberg thing, sounds like she’s smarter and more of a critical thinker than your dh and he doesn’t like it? Does he normally shut women down when they have an opinion?

Thank you, we decided to pay for a private assessment as DH was certain she had ADHD.

We filled in all the assessment and school added their take. Did the consultation and got the feedback. As she showed absolutely no signs pre-12, can focus for school/homework without any help, is good with deadlines, has lots of long running interests as well as new ones etc. we were basically told, not ADHD just extroverted, curious and vibrant.

She has always been so confident and happy, even as a little girl she was just so happy to exist! We’ve never had a teacher say a bad thing about her, she’s done so well in many of her sports, has clear ambitions, lots of friends and seems to be well liked. She has always been different from our other two DC in that she was always wanting to be out, at sports, I think from age 7/8 she’s had a sport or hobby most nights of the week. I am so proud of all of my children, they are all different and have their own ways of being annoying. I don’t think DD is anymore annoying than DS or DD2. DS can be painfully slow moving and has an unrivalled ability to make any task more difficult than it had to be which can be annoying and DD2 is quite highly strung but DH doesn’t seem to complain about them being annoying!

She sounds like a mix of both of my children and im
also similar! I do wonder about ADHD but I was brought up to keep a lid on my personality, it’s commented by close family and friends that I can be a bit much!

I think your DH needs to accept your Dd for who she is!