To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

I don’t see why people are making such a big deal of this.

At the end of the day, if you think your father shouldn’t leave anything to anyone else you should be objecting to him being in a relationship in the first place.

After all, he’s still entitled to change his will to leave his estate to this woman whether they’re married or not.

The only point at which marriage is going to make a difference is if he dies in testate. Then everything will go to her.

But he could write a will right now which leaves it all to her anyway. So marriage is a red herring, you’ve potentially already lost out.

This is why parents (if they want their children to benefit) should leave a fixed monetary amount or a % of their estate to their children and NOT just a spouse , in the HOPE that the spouse will ‘take care’ of children. If you want your children to benefit from your hard earned money - you MUST leave it to them , legally. Your spouse can do what they like after you die! Meet someone , change a will or become estranged from those children. If you want your children (of any age) to benefit you must make this known in your will. You cannot trust that the spouse you leave behind will be the same person a year, two years or ten years on from your death. They may not act in the best interests of YOUR children, even if they are joint children. A lot can happen , a lot can change from the time when you die and the time that your spouse dies. If you want to leave your children something, do it. The only one who can make sure your children get something after your death , is YOU. If you want to leave something to your children , do not let all of your assets pass to your spouse/ partner- they may not act in the way that you hope when the time comes.

Thank you for explaining the first bit - I couldn’t find the words other than men sometimes need women to express their feminine side!

caveat - if you die Imtestate spouse only gets 322k plus 50 percent of rest

This. My dad refused to marry the new lady because of inheritance laws but gave her a larger percentage of the house than she put in when they moved in together (eg she put in say 30% and he put in70% but they had it recorded as 50/50 in the deeds as tenants in common or whatever the phrase is.

He bought her a nice expensive solitaire engagement ring which she wore next to her wedding ring. She looked married. They were in their 60s. Nobody who didn’t know them from before would think they were unwed. Worked fine. Perhaps that would suit your dad too. Just wear the rings and nobody knows. Nowadays people don’t even routinely change their name.

The deal was that the last one left gets to stay there until they move out or die.

Over five years later she is still there. I will get my half in due course when she moves in with her adult child to care for her or into a care home or dies.

My dad did me a solid there. Im grateful.

I think you need to forget about the money aspect, unless he can ensure the house goes to you two. Make sure he sets up poa with you two covering health and finance.

Hi OP, I totally get where u r coming from.Some women are out for what they can get.
I wish your dad every happiness and hope he has the forsight to sort out his financial affairs.
You and your sibling are not being greedy or entitled at all.
Take care OP

It might not be financially possible to immediately gift sums of money.

And there is nothing that says he isn’t planning on honouring his late wife’s wishes (by planning on writing a new will immediately after he marries) - OP hasn’t discussed it with him. She could bring it up and he could be horrified that she could think so bloody little of him.

ETA - OP isn’t being rational. This woman could already be in her father’s will getting everything, and could already have LPA. It doesn’t sound like she’s discussed either of these things with her father before. This is an emotional reaction to her father having a new wife.

My FIL went on holiday with another woman he worked with within 3 months of my darling MIL dying! It was so upsetting for my husband and I. She moved in within 4 months and he then married her 18 months later!

I think you are not unreasonable to have these feelings - my step dad got all my mums money and moved on after 6 months. We had even paid for the double grave so I was having all sorts of dark thoughts about that

BUT
you were v unreasonable to object. It was sweet of him to ask you but you really have no right to have a say in his life choices vice versa. After being attached to a partner for half their life, men often seek companionship in this way. It’s what he has decided he needs. Grit your teeth and give him your blessing and let him live out his days with someone he cares about.
i have more gritting to come as I cannot stand my ‘step mum’ and all her kids will end up inheriting my dad’s hard earned money due to them having inadvisable mirror wills. I feel bitter about this but he is a grown up and could alter this now if he could stand up to her. But not my money, not my business

good luck x

This is a sad read. Do you not care about your dad’s happiness? My dad remarried after my mum died (about 5 years after) and I was just glad he had found someone. 20 years on they’re still together. Yes the estate will be less than if he hadn’t married but I don’t care. I’m just glad my dad has met someone and had a happy 20 years. He didn’t want to live with her unmarried as he’s quite traditional - wanted to make sure she was looked after. He is also very keen to make sure she will be ok after he dies (he’s 10 years older). He’s a good person and I respect him. And trust his judgement.

Anyone in this situation would be concerned about their deceased parent’s legacy. And they have every right to be.

Maybe your father wants to live his life whilst you’re planning his decrepitude and death.

This

Ok - been here! If you choose to talk to your Dad you need to verbalise this very carefully. I would focus on health/poa decisions as your concerns. Also, what situation is the fiance coming from? Does she have children? Will they have mutual concerns? (This could make your conversation more altruistic/genuine)… Assumjng they are compus mentis you will have to live with what they decide but you can (very gently) raise your worries and see what reaction you get…

Thanks for saying that - I’m the second wife in that situation and my husband was divorced though - together nearly 20 years

he wanted to look after me AND his children

one of them did hassle him so much that I heard him shouting down the phone one day “shall I just die now so you can have it all” 😞

100 percent he should not marry her unless his will states everything goes to his children.

Indeed.
If she's not pregnant then there's very little need.

They could create power if attorney if that's what they wanted. Marriage is about assets.

No such problem with adding someone to the deeds.

No it isn’t

crickey

that generation like to be married and do things as they see properly

I got married at 50 - neither of us were having babies!

It is hard to see your parent “move on” but at 80+ he is entitled to spend his last years with someone who makes him happy and completes his life. Old age can be very lonely. Marriage is obviously what they both want.

Anyone who has had parents who needed to go into care will tell you that your inheritance evaporates in no time. You can’t make any assumptions about what you might get.

Only if the estate is large enough. Many are not anywhere near that size.

Not unreasonable at all to expect your mothers share of the house and possesions etc to come to you and your siblings. A friend lost all her mothers share to her husbands new wife. Thats not being grabby . Her mother wouldnt want her money to go to a woman she never even knew. She'd want it to go to her children.

But he isn’t is he, as he’s decided to get married?

The tone of that comment was a bit breathtakingly heartless.

If you’re worried about your inheritance be upfront and have an honest conversation with him about how that could be protected - I’m sure if he hasn’t already thought about it, if you bring it to his attention then you can reasonably sort it out. But if you approach it from the point of view of not giving him your blessing to remarry after five years, you’re on a hiding to nothing. It’s his life, and what he chooses to do after five years of being a widow is really none of your business.

Aren’t all wills invalid if you remarry?