To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

Legally.

Morally, it would behoove this man to carry out his late wife’s wishes.

I can understand how the OP feels. It isn't unnatural to later in life hope for a little inheritance. Even if that is in the form of a piece of furniture or picture, a piece of jewellery that belonged to your parent. Something even that may have belonged to grandparents.
With a new wife or husband those things can disappear.
She wants her Dad to be happy.
My own Grandad married twice. And later in life. She inherited being the wife. No Will. Her family basically ignored my dad, and sold everything. He had to go to the auction house to buy some furniture he had loved. If Grandad assumed his wife and her relatives would not behave in that way he was wrong. Very wrong.
So it can be a problem. If the OP dislikes the new wife, she will know it too.
Best to have a frank and open discussion with Dad.

You really hope he squanders away the financial remnants of the life he shared with OP’s mother. You actively hope he hurts his children that way. How grim. I bet you think you’re a really good and decent person too for feeling that way don’t you? Fascinating. 🤨

The problem there was not making a Will in the first place.
To ensure the things you want to go to your own family, then make a Will. It's not difficult, and ensures that specific things - money, property, jewellery are protected. Wills can be updated at any time if circumstances change. Making your own Will is not a slight on who you are married to - first spouse, second spouse - but it is protecting your assessts in the event of your death

YANBU. If they marry, and your father passes before her, the Estate that your mother and father accumulated over 50 years will pass to this woman, and her family when she passes.

I don't think are being unreasonable at all.

If he had a happy long marriage to your mum he might see marriage as more that a certificate but a demonstration of love and commitment. Marriage is more than a certificate to many people at whatever age they are.
Tbh, your posts come across as lacking or wanting to understand why he wants to be married and you are just concerned about your entitlement to an inheritance. Your inheritance can be protected but you will need to have the conversation with your dad and get proper legal advice. It's not an uncommon situation and the legal protection for children of first marriage are well established and tested. So if your dad wants to protect your entitlement, he can do it easy enough.

How do you KNOW that?
You don't.
But just incase you have those thoughts, make a Will, an individual Will, not a Mirror Will where you leave everything to each other.

DW's parents were both disinherited due to similar circs. There is no need for them to get married. You are entitled to be pissed off, especially if 100s of K are likely to leave the family.

Only on MN are you not to expect any inheritance etc etc.

Man across the street from me took up with a gold digger only six months after his wife of 40+ years died. We all know how this is going to end. She is much younger than him.

But that will be part of the reason he wants to marry her. He wants her to be his family, he wants her to have input into his health issues, his funeral, and everything that goes along with being a married couple.

You don't have to like it, but you do need to understand what his intentions are here. You see her as an outsider, who shouldn't be involved in these important decisions. He very much doesn't agree with that. He wants her to be his wife, equal (but separate) to his first wife. He wants her to be involved in the important decisions about his life, not stuck on the outside.

You don't have to like it, but you do have to lump it. It you don't, it'll be your relationship with your father that will suffer.

You absolutely need to have these conservations op. Why does your father need to be legally bound to this woman? Why marry, not just be with? You need to discuss what will happen with PoA etc. I'd certainly be reminding him that your mum wouldn't want you left without.

My mum is newly widowed. I have been provided for but she has received easily 95% of what my father left- as she should. She could be on her own a good long time. I want her to be happy and certainly not lonely and she has said for a good long while said that she wouldn't want to live with a man again or remarry. I know this may change but I don't see the legal or financial need for her to remarry or cohabit again, either.

Luckily we are really close and she has always been very open about money so I could bluntly and openly ask "why" and "why now" and ask financially where it may leave me and how it affects our PoAs. I know my father would never intend for his/their estate to go to anyone else but me and I certainly don't think anyone else should get it or at least not a certain % to reflect this. More impressive I'd also be devastated and really worried if I was potentially kept from mum / denied PoA in favour of someone who knew her relatively little time and if keepsakes, furniture, jewellery etc were denied me and I possibly didn't get her ashes or a say in undertaker arrangements.

If it goes on care or mum and I fall out that badly that it goes to the cats home, I'd accept it, but there's definitely something of the night and bitter about it possibly going sideways. My father would simply never have wanted it.

Well yes. Precisely.
Which is why the OP needs to have a conversation with Dad.

Exactly this.

Giving money to charity isn't 'squandering'. It's ensuring it is put to good use for a worthy cause.

He didn't set out to upset her. She refused to give her blessing to allow him some happiness. Did you miss that bit amongst all the talk of his money? She has upset him. Maybe irreparably.

As for her mum, I'm sure she would be thoroughly ashamed that her daughter is putting her bank balance above her own father's happiness.

There is no better “cause” than helping your own children and family members. I’m sorry but you clearly have little understanding of human nature. I just asked my own elderly, recently widowed Mum what she thought and she said she’d never do it because my Dad would be devastated if his own children didn’t inherit everything he worked so hard for and she’d feel the same. My parents were penniless when they started out by the way.

I think that most people who tell adult children who are worried about inheritance that they’re grabby and weird and uncaring and greedy are either not in line for any kind of inheritance themselves so feel bitter and angry at those who are, OR are wealthy and privileged already so have little understanding of just how difficult it is get started and live without financial help for so many. Also probably have distant or unloving relationships with family members so don’t understand the pain of watching a parent remarry after their other beloved parent has died.

You're not objecting because you think it would be disrespectful to your Mothers memory, you're objecting because you don't want to lose your inheritance.

Just be honest about it and make sure he's informed about the legalities and that's all you can do.

But make sure he's informed.

My Grandmother married in her late 50s thinking that as she had a will, leaving her estate to her children and a few other other stipulations, that would be honoured.

Once you marry, it invalidates the current will and after an unhappy 9 months married, she died unexpectedly aged 60 and her husband took the lot.

But if your Dad knows that he needs to make a new will upon marriage, his decision then about who he leaves his estate to is up to him.

That's a whole lot of assumptions you've made there and none of them are correct about me.

As for human nature, I understand that family relationships come above everything. Telling your father you don't give your blessing for his happiness just because you want his money is not human nature, it's cruel.

You only have to look at the situation of the late Linda Bellingham to see this scenario in action. Her new husband of a few years promised to honour her wishes for her two sons to inherit a significant amount. When she died he ignored her wishes and kept the lot.

Apologies if already mentioned, but if he is understanding of your concerns but wishes to marry anyway, I think a new marriage annuls an existing will, so he should make a new one after he marries.

That's very interesting to know.

Nobody needs to get remarried at his age.

Yes YABU. They have been together 5 years, the fact that they met 6 months after your mum's death is irrelevant and an obvious red herring. Your main concern is your inheritance, which is sad. If my child came to me in such an obviously selfish greedy way, they would get nothing. People saying that he doesn't need to marry, might be right he doesn't need to, but why shouldn't he if he wants to? Of course he needs legal advice but the rest is just unsavoury IMHO.

YADBU

This.
100%.

How can you be “sure” that her mum would feel that way - you’ve never met her! Just like you never met mine. It’s just an opportunity for you to stick the knife in and twist it by making a nasty comment to a poster you’ve never met isn’t it?

I see it a bit differently- I want my parents to spend every penny on the best care for them and their new (now 20 years in) partners. All of it if that's what it takes. I don't want to see either them or their new partners who have been amazing supportive people to them and are also doing the day to day support, emotional and practical, of my parents as they age to be treated badly or live in bad care homes. If there's anything left, great, I'd appreciate it if they put some aside for me. At this stage of the game, though, having someone in with your dad daily is going to be a lot more valuable to him (stopping him getting depressed, coming with him to the hospital) than anything else, including an occasional visit by a daughter.

I'd ask him directly- who do you want to have POA, have you thought about the inheritance implications of marrying (he may well have a plan to split things favourably to you) but more than anything, I'd be reassuring him that he should spend everything he can to make his own later years better, and if that includes marrying this lady and feeling happiness for a few more, so be it.