To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

Could it be that they want to live in the same property abd will only do so if married?

What health decisions do you think you should be getting a say in? Is this again money related eg if he should go into a home? He has been with the woman 5 years ultimately it is up to him what he does with his money

I domt think you are being unreasonable

why does he have to marry her?

Getting married or not is not really the issue though is it. It's his will. Op needs to talk to him, encourage him to sort his will, talk to his wife about it pre marriage, and then if it's sorted it in reality wouldn't make that much difference if he was married or not. Bite the bullet op and have a frank conversation with him. Do it when it's just you and him uninterrupted.

As someone has mentioned previously, Dad could make the partner POA for health and/or finances, and could make a Will leaving everything to partner all without getting married - getting married doesn't in itself give all control to the wife, a Will and POA does, if that's what he chooses to do.....

This. Whether he gets married or not is irrelevant. He could also choose to will his half of everything to his children not his wife, even after marriage. It is totally up to him who gets what and who makes the health decisions.

Have you actually discussed all this with him or just told him you don't want him to get married?

Those of you saying ‘it could all go on care fees’ - most couples with assets leave ‘their’ half of any assets including property in a trust for their children in a mirror will (ie they both agree to do this regardless of who dies first). This is not only tax efficient but also means only the remaining spouse’s half is used for care fees (because they’d be the only one needing it by that point) instead of everything. Perfectly legal and encouraged by financial advisors.

This isn’t true. Some do it, most don’t. If you don’t have an accountant or financial advisor, you wouldn’t necessarily know this wrinkle.

Protecting yourself from care fees is all very well in theory, but most people realise when they get to that point that they would rather have the better standard of care facilities and pay for it than an LA funded care package where the choices are limited.

The OP is worried about her inheritance. She’s more likely to get one if he has a partner to care for him at home, should he need it. But that partner also deserves recognition for what is a very hard and soul destroying role, especially if they are also elderly

She should have that conversation about his new will, but she also needs to understand that unless she personally takes on the full time care of her DF, should it be needed, she can’t complain if the person providing that care is rewarded for it.

Losing someone you’ve been wed to is devastating and very lonely .

Let him be happy - you’ve got your own family.

Selfish?! That's the weirdest comment I have ever seen on Mumsnet. (And there is huge competition!).

To me this has ALL to do with his partner's and your dad's intention...

And what he hopes will happen after his death....?

He may think... If she looks after me for x years she's entitled to it...

OR if he's intending leaving it to you /your sibs...

Or say... Yes dad, do get married, but please go to solicitor the day after and change your will so your children get inheritance....

(I think on marriage, unless a new will it all goes to the new wife...) .

What a weirdly grabby attitude OP. Are you relying on this money for something? Do you have a timescale involved? Both my parents and my in laws have assets of about £1.5m but what they do with that is up to them. It’s not my money. It’s theirs. I hope they blow it all on glam care homes. I’ll make my own way in life without their money thanks because I’m a grown adult. It’s a nice way to live. I’m not building my financial plans purely on parental deaths.

OP, I would ignore those who are disparaging you because of the money side of things, I think if most were in your shoes they would also feel the unfairness of you losing your mum’s money.
Can you get hold of a copy of your mum’s will? This will set out her wishes and may well say that in the event of her out living your father that her estate is to be left to her children. I would then, gently and respectfully remind your father of her wishes and ask if he’s willing to work with a solicitor to protect your late mother’s share should he now wish to remarry.
I appreciate this will not be an easy conversation, but I would have it nonetheless. You can still stress how much you want your father to be happy.

All the cool kids on this thread who are accusing you of being grabby are probably step children (of elderly wealthy men) who are all in favour of assisted dying. Your father's health and well being means he needs to have someone in his corner to fight for them.

“What a weirdly grabby attitude”

It absolutely is not OP. It is a perfectly normal response. Concerns about your Mum’s legacy are understandable and actually it would be weird not to think about them. Ignore this typically MN virtue signally response 🙄

I understand that, but your post and similar ones miss the point somewhat.

Thus far, he has not taken any of those steps. If he were to marry, especially without sorting out POA, then medical and end of life decisions will be taken by his new wife. On marriage, his will is automatically revoked. If he does not immediately draft one leaving everything to his children and does intestate, everything he and his late wife built up will go the new wife. Who can refuse to give the children anything, even personal effects. Indeed even if he does prepare a will for the children, if the new wife wants to contest it on the basis that she was dependent on him, she may well have a claim.

If all this is what OP’s father is choosing to do, then so be it. But it is mad not to ensure he has taken full legal advice on the ramifications of marrying the new partner.

It is simply wrong to suggest that marriage changes nothing or that he could in any event make those decisions. The latter is irrelevant.

And do discuss the power of attorney topic, it’s not unreasonable for you to be concerned about this. It doesn’t mean you’re right, he may want his new wife to have this control, or they may agree that for the sake of his children it’s better if one of you do.

Obviously your inheritance is far more important than your elderly father's happiness.

If he marries but still wants you to inherit that can be dealt with by a solicitor. But ffs, stop being so utterly selfish. I'd be so upset if one of my kids said this to me.

I dont think OP has mentioned if there is already POA in place?
A conversation is definitely needed, but as Dad has capacity - nothing in OPs posts to say he hasn't - he is absolutely entitled to do what he likes with his own money.
Perhaps they are marrying and moving in together to protect money and property? If Dad needs a care home at any point, the house will not be taken into account to pay for the care home if a spouse still lives in the property.

He can choose OP to represent him by doing a lasting power of attorney. My son is mine as I know my husband would want to fight to the bitter end regardless of how futile that would and distressing for me. Him marrying has nothing to do with it.

Also, not strictly true about dying intestate.....

I agree that he is entitled to do what he likes with his own money. But does it follow that the same applies to his late wife’s? Many women leave their estate to their husbands to avoid inheritance tax. But that doesn’t mean they do so thinking their husbands will spend it all and/or effectively disinherit their children later.

As I keep saying, I would be gutted if everything I have worked for went to some random woman’s children rather than (eventually) my DC if I died before my DH.

ETA: inheritance tax aside, it’s also perfectly plausible that OP’s mother trusted her husband completely and never even considered that after 50 years of marriage he would start a new relationship within a few months and there would be a chance of the children not even getting what she put into building the family’s assets. I think that’s why this situation arises so often.

Its not your money though. He can leave it all to his girlfriend if he wants. Or the cat's home.

The other side of the same coin - what if this lady also has children, and she dies first and everything goes to OPs Dad?...
They are both adults, and making new Wills - who knows, they may have made a Will "in contemplation of marriage" - in which case it will not be revoked.
We only have minimal information about the lives and relationships of the people in this OP.
Dad can get legal advice, and make his decisions based on that, as can the future wife.

If she left him the money/ assets then they are his. The same would apply if he left it all to a new wife or the OP, once you inherit something it is yours.

I really hope he does this! A completely random charity, maybe chosen by the new wife just to really make his grabby children realise how much they upset him when they refused to give their blessing for a last chance of happiness in his old age.