To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

I don’t blame them

Do you have children? If you do would you honestly be happy for any capital you acrued in your life to possibly go to a strangers children rather than your own ? This is what we’re talking about here. OP’s mother’s share of the estate.

Any will made before marriage is invalidated by a new marriage so no point in making one before if you then intend to marry

This is true, but it is possible to make a valid will in anticipation of an impending marriage.

And this is what the OP’s dad should do. The solicitor will point out the advantages and pitfalls of different inheritance strategies.

It would be very sad, and unjust, if his late wife’s assets were to pass to his new wife and her descendants. It’s not ‘grubby’ to suggest that he ought to seek legal advice

Of course YABU.
It’s not your inheritance, it’s his money.
Let him be happy.

Wow OP.

I'd have said that you should chat to him about the inheritance issue, but I think since you've already told him you disapprove because of the money, you now need to keep your mouth shut.

He should do what he wants with his money.

Happened in our family.
Husband died very soon after the wedding. Didn't have time to write a new will. Everything went to his new wife and on her death a few years later, her 2 DC inherited everything.
Very bitter taste for his own DC who didn't even inherit their mum's jewellery.

You're right to worry. Although nobody is "entitled" to an inheritance, it isn't fair when children who are not related to the deceased, inherit everything while his/her own children get nothing. I've seen this happen several times, particularly when elderly widowers remarry women with adult children of their own, (and sometimes the older women they marry can be gold-diggers), and you should make sure that your father's Will leaves everything to his blood relatives. This is common sense, not greed.

Well that’s a personal thing isn’t it? you don’t get to tell him how he should be happy!

I’m just really uncomfortable with your viewpoint. My DH has terminal cancer. I will be widowed within a few short years. I’m 53.

If my kids started telling me what I can or can’t do, or try to ‘guide’ me in anyway they will be shown the door.

Do you know what, if I died tomorrow and my husband met someone knew I’d be happy for him. But if he married that person and disinherited my kids I’d be back to haunt him.

My biggest concern is that you would cease to be next if kin from a care perspective. Inheritance can be dealt with by reusing his will after his marriage, but even with power of attorney for managing his affairs, a spouse is likely to be contacted first and deferred to.

And honestly that is my biggest concern. I know what my DF would prefer in terms of health choices if he is unable to express these. We talked in detail after my DM’s sudden death. The thought that I would have no ability to ensure these wishes regarding his health are carried out was the biggest factor for me. I’m fairly certain he hasn’t had these conversations with his partner, and that worries me.

Such a lot of virtue signalling on here about inheritance. I’m sure if it was you in this situation you’d NOT be happy for your parent’s life savings and other assets to end up enriching the life of total strangers. If you’d honestly be ok with this, why not take your own savings and just give them to some random next time you’re out, it amounts to about the same thing. And let some random make end of life care arrangements for your DP, let them make a decision about turning off life support. Yeah, thought not.

@Perimomof2 - he’s been perfectly happy not married so I’d wonder what (or who) was pushing for it now. The cynic on me says her DCs…

When you and your DSister were growing up I imagine your parents saved jointly and hoped to be able to ‘leave something for the children’. Loads of their generation did that and your DM would not have wanted her half of those savings and property to go to a complete stranger and her DCs.

Explain this to your dad. My own dad would assume that because he wants me and his GCs to inherit, that’s what would happen. It wouldn’t occur to him (a) that he should make a new will after remarriage and (b) thar his second wife wouldn’t pass it on, if he died without a will. He’d assume she’d ’do the right thing.

Those of you saying ‘it could all go on care fees’ - most couples with assets leave ‘their’ half of any assets including property in a trust for their children in a mirror will (ie they both agree to do this regardless of who dies first). This is not only tax efficient but also means only the remaining spouse’s half is used for care fees (because they’d be the only one needing it by that point) instead of everything. Perfectly legal and encouraged by financial advisors.

Ideally POA should always go to the next generation to avoid the issues that arise if one person needs to have the POA enacted but their partner is incapacitated.

The money is not something I could particularly get worked up about as it may well be needed by df for care. However if he still has dm's jewellery, family photos and other sentimental items that will mean nothing to the new wife and her family, I would want to secure that. Finding a gentle way to suggest that you don't mind anything else going out of the family but would be very sad to lose those memories and not be able to pass them on.

If he marries the new wife might not want reminders of df's former life around so perhaps suggest that you and your sibling could look after the sentimental items to preserve them, but making copies of favourite photos so both you and df have them. Heard too many stories of new families just dumping evidence of the first family.

He may want her (and she him) to have the security, responsibility and authority that automatically goes to married partners as next of kin. He may value marriage as an institution and want that for the two of them, see it as a symbol of commitment and love. As many people who get married do. Why do you think it would be different for him than for anyone else? Marriage isn’t just about protecting women who have children from getting shafted.

If he’s got sense he will talk to a solicitor about inheritance and make sure he sets aside a reasonable amount for his children in his will. But it makes sense that he might prefer someone he spends most of his time with over a DC to have POA over health and financial matters if he becomes infirm.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset about the inheritance. I understand that you want to make decisions on health too, but if you discuss POA with your dad then that's up to him and him alone. You don't want to sound money-grabbing but the only people accusing you of this are those who are not in your position. If they were in your position, they'd be thinking about it! The inheritance is of course also up to him, but you know your mum never envisaged the legacy she and your dad built together being at best shared with, if not entirely going to, another unknown woman + offspring. Be gentle, be kind, and get some legal advice on alternative solutions to present to him so he can see that he can still make a symbolic committment to his gf without causing chaos and bitterness . But don't be guilt-tripped by MN into not acting now while you have a chance - your mum spent over half a century with your dad. You know better than anyone what she would want the outcome to be had she been aware of this scenario.

I have seen this play out. Mum dies. Dad moves on. Remarries a widow. Dad dies. All assets are inherited by the new wife

messy and hurtful.

definitely get legal advice and speak to your dad about your concerns and what your mum would have wanted.

No, we're not. If the OPs mum left her estate to her husband then it's now his, not hers any longer. If she'd wanted her children to inherit she'd have made provision for them in her will.

I completely agree. It’s selfish to remarry.

And still no-one has acknowledged the fact that all this could still happen without marriage.
he can change his will.
give her POA.
marriage could actually be about love for all we know.
people are assuming not getting married somehow protects the children. It doesn’t. He can make exactly the same decisions without marriage.

Can’t say it any better than this. I’d never remarry without ensuring that I didn’t endanger my children’s inheritance that I had built with their other parent, never in a million years.

This is a good idea.

my family had an issue. My grandad remarried a lady very different to my grandma and indeed him, but we were really happy for him. It turns out her actions showed that she never must’ve liked us very much. Grandad sadly passed away and by the time his wife did a couple of years ago everything that she and her former husband, and grandad and grandma had built up, wasn’t split evenly, as was previously expressed, the whole estate went to her niece, who’s only interest was ever money. Not even talking money only, but also his items too. It’s strange because an outsider would look and say expecting an inheritance is money grabbing, but idles not the money, it’s the symbol of what my mums parents had built up over their lovely marriage. It’s hard to explain without sounding like it’s only about money though

*edited to write grandma instead of grandad and correct some typos

Have you expressed your concerns about his will?

It’s very normal when people marry again later on in life that they have a specific detail in their will for their children

I have inherited a life changing amount of money having lost both of my parents I won’t ever marry again and this is partly the reason. I also don’t see any point having had a 20 year marriage that failed.

"Next of kin" isn't a legal category. If the child has medical POA and the spouse doesn't, the medics do have to defer to the child. The key thing is to get both kinds of POA sorted while your father is compos mentis.

He has a new partner. He wants to marry. If they live together and he dies, you could, and it sounds like definitely you would, otherwise kick his new partner out of his house. Perhaps, given he loves her, he wants to know she would be ok. He can write a will and a power of attorney to make sure everyone will be ok, his assets eventually end up with his own children, and that his wishes for care and financial decisions are set out. That's the conversation to have. Not it's you versus her.

He may end up with substantial care needs. Or his new wife may end up saving you a load of care costs and worries and fears for your dad, if you want to think of this in terms of risks and benefits to yourself. You might even come to be very grateful she is around and happy for him to have found someone to share his remaining time with.