To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

I am on the fence about this, as a widow.

I think my husband would want me to be happy again, and that includes having another partner, although like most women I have not rushed into this, unlike so many men.

I don't think 5 and a half years is a short relationship, and I don't think it's disrespectful to your mum at all. I don't get this thinking, I'd be pleased he had someone as a companion and had some enjoyment and fun in his later years. Him being on his own all this time might have been very depressing and burdensome to you, and she's taken that on.

The other thing is, she's not the poorer one here by all accounts. Her children are probably worried she's marrying him. If they both have houses, and they don't currently live together, it sounds to me like they are planning to downsize or seek care together so they are not living separately for this later part of their lives. I think that's a noble aim, and speaks well to your dad.

You can discuss his plans with him and talk about inheritance and POA and how you don't want to be locked out of health decisions, but my guess is that he does want that commitment to her and that will include some aspects of her deciding on his health and him on hers, and some sharing of finances.

I would tread very carefully here OP, you are sounding quite mercenary here and he may indeed not care about that at this point in his life when he's planning how to care for her, himself and how to make sure their money makes their lives more comfortable.

My priority is to live a good old age, have the appropriate care and have someone I love by my side, he may be the same. If that means my children inherit less, so be it, although I would do inheritance planning so they receive something.

I absolutely agree with you OP. But you can try to speak with him to minimise the potential outcome should they marry and he dies before her. I would also question why a woman of that age would want to get married at this late stage. He could split his estate so that she inherits half, and the remainder should be willed to yourself. It’s not just the money, but family heirlooms and family memorabilia that wouldn’t necessarily mean anything to her and her family, but would to you.

Yes, you're wrong if your main reason is disrespect to your dead mother. That's selfish, to say the least.

If that's just an excuse, and you're it's more a matter of greed, worrying about the distribution of his money - well, that's still mostly wrong.

However, that said, although I certainly think you should back off with your disapproval, you could try to possibly feel if there is some way you can broach the subject without sounding greedy. Maybe you could start by gently saying that you and your sibling are concerned about the family dynamics at this late stage of your family's life, such as medical decisions. Every time you're over there, you could rhapsodize about how much you've always loved the house and all its happy memories, but I can't offhand think of any way to mention the financial aspect without making yourself look bad.

How can you tell yoyr DF he can't marry.

Could he tell you the same?

No. YABU.

If inheritance is the issue to talk to him about his will once he's married or get him to give you your inheritance now if that's even feasible....

Same thing happened to my dear friend.
Her mother will forever be turning in her grave the way HER business and property went completely out of her family to her husbands new wife and children
40 years later, it is still shocking.
Her father died young too, so every penny gone to his new wife and her children.
My friend was left without a penny in her early 20's when her father died.
She was turfed out of her home 3 weeks later.

It happens.

You are being VU.

She’s been with him 5 years.

How long were you with your DH before feeling you knew each other/got married etc?

You are massively overstepping. Butt out.

I would also question why a woman of that age would want to get married at this late stage if she owns her own home and hasn't moved in for five years, she's hardly a gold-digger. Basically marrying is quite romantic. He wants to be her husband and she his wife. She's hardly going to live it up in her eighties.

I think it's sensible to bring this up as a practical issue of- have you thought of care in your later years? what about POA? who would you like to arrange your care or your funeral? (I'm doing my mums, I know this as she's arranged it all and left me a file on what to do!)

Don't say it's disrespecting your mother, if my children said that to me after caring for my husband into his grave, I'd be disgusted by them. Those left alone want to cling to some happiness in life and who are you to say that's wrong? Widows and widowers are actual people with their own feelings and have to try to make a life after the death of a spouse, it's hard enough without dollops of judgement all round.

Time to grow up and respect his decision.

My friend’s father remarried a year after being widowed. He willed everything to his new wife and when he died she got everything, even his first wife’s considerable collection of jewellery. My friend got nothing of her mother’s personal belongings as the second wife refused point-blank to let her have anything and instead shared the jewellery with her own two daughters. I would be extremely pissed-off in these circumstances and can understand OP feeling the way she does.

Has he said why he wants to get married?
4/5 yrs is not long compared to 50, but it’s not nothing either. He may not have long left and should do whatever makes him happy.
I understand your concerns with health and wealth and you should definitely discuss this with him.
In regards to your mum though, he likely knew her much more than you so you should let him decide if it’s dishonouring her.

Let him live what life he has

Please, OP, don't listen to the people who say 'if he wants to leave it to his new gf, or to a cat or dog home, it is up to him'. No, it is not up to him. Absolutely not up to him. Among the people of his generation, there has always been a tacit understanding, implied understanding that mum and dad would look after the children first and foremost, if either parents dies. If anybody asked your mum when she was still with you, 'if you die and your dh remarries, do you want the money you both accumulated during the 50 years together to go to a new gf of your husband or to a cat and dog home?' Now imagine your mum saying 'I don't mind, it is up to him to do what he wants to do with that money, I don't mind'. Can you imagine it? No, and neither can any normal-thinking woman or indeed person. Not leaving your inheritance to you via not marrying this woman is literally an act of spitting on your mother's memory on the part of your dad. Now, if he becomes infirm and all the hypothetical inheritance goes on his care fees, you don't inherit, but there is nothing to be done about it in the first place, but most importantly, you being left without inheritance in such a scenario has zero disrespect to your mum and to you.
P.S. Men are arseholes, sorry.

@HighlyUnusual I think it’s also generational given that her Dad and his partner are in their 80’s (as is my Dad).

For their generation, getting married was the norm, rather than living together. I remember my Dad saying that he and my SM felt more comfortable being married- not that anyone cared, but it felt right to them.

@Hons123 A properly drawn up will can sort everything out.

What your DF does in his private life is none of your business, OP. That's the bottom line here. But I totally understand your misgivings on your own behalf. My father, while he met someone else several years after my mother's death, left everything to his new wife when he died. He'd told us he planned to do this, so it wouldn't be a shock, but since he was dying at the time none of us could bring ourselves to point out that our mother's share of things was effectively passing to another woman and eventually her family.

I still don't know that we were right to say nothing. It just seemed grubby and grabby to object.

my husband died ten months ago and I can hardly get out of bed (if I don’t have to go to work). I have nightmares several times a week, and frequently fight back tears in public situations.

i hear tales of others losing long-term partners, but immediately getting into new relationships, and it’s incomprehensible to me. I suppose people are different, but even so. For me, this is something that feels impossible - not just right now but for the v foreseeable future.

So… I don’t think YABU, even though people are different.

That's fair enough. Then if they intend to marry, and he's that way inclined, make a will AFTER the marriage.

@dontletmedownbruce I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, I am also a widow and I agree that in that early period just being able to function was too much and I wasn't interested in moving on at all, if ever.

I've noticed men often seek another woman to grieve with, rather than wait to grieve and then find someone else. They tend not to have any friends to talk with emotionally and like having someone around, anyone, even if it's not the same.

I don't understand it either, but time and time again, men seem to find someone else and plough on. I would expect my husband to have done just that had it been him.

Take care @dontletmedownbruce and be very very kind to yourself at the moment. I wish I could say more to make it ok.

Agreed

I would feel the same as you. Legally a new wife will negate any will unless he specifically says he does not want her to inherit. At 80years old, what is his reason for getting married? Why can’t they carry on as they are?

No need to wait, and run the risk of death before getting round to the new will. In the UK, make a 'contemplation of marriage' will (it has to be a new one as any previous will gets negated by the marriage).

Have to laugh, 5 years?! My Grandad remarried within a year of my Gran dying and she then outlived him by 30 odd years and spent all the estate except for what was in trust for my Dad and Uncle (from first marriage) and her son. That was the value of the house once sold.

Unfortunately, whilst he was a very financially astute man most of his life, he changed his will not long before his death. The solicitor who changed it took against my step-gran and became involved in a long drawn out battle that cost the estate £100k in fees.

However, he was very happy in the 17 years they were together and if anything it has taught us not to rely on anything coming our way.

Just make sure your Dad gets great financial advice and don't begrudge him some happiness in his later years.

I think you’re wrong. If he is happy what is the problem? Surely you want that

Sorry but you sound more concerned about your dad’s money than you do about his happiness. It’s his life, it’s up to him. He owes you nothing.

You can't tell someone else what they should do with their life, just to protect your inheritance. In the end it is up to your Dad to make appropriate arrangements in his will, and you have no control over it. Be happy for him and don't dwell on what you might 'get'... the love of money is the root of all evil.

What a lazy and disrectful comment.

My mum is disabled and I am her carer as well having a child with SEN I had to home school for 4 years because the LA couldn't place him. So right there I am saving the tax payer a huge sum, like all the other unpaid carers in this country.

Both my partner and I are higher rate tax payers. Every single person in my family has worked in a public role, teachers, nurses, social workers and my Dad defended our country in the forces for 35 years. So, I'd like to think we've positively contributed to this country. Both financially and within our communities.

I dont like to think of anyone else caring for mum, but if she needed it 50% of her home value would cover it, as well as the savings she and my Dad put together over the years. And yes, unfortunately I do know how much care hones cost as both my grandparents died from dementia in homes.

Mum worked in the NHS for 25 years and before that she was a carer in an old people's home for about 10 years. Mum and Dad came from nothing and worked their arses off all their lives. So dont won't worry you won't be paying for my mum's social care. Hope I've made that clear enough.

I agree. In France children are generally protected from this by law. I do think the OP’s mother’s share of the estate should be ringfenced for her children .