To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

This happened to a friend and the father arranged a "life trust" in the will so his widow could live in the house as long as she lived but the house reverted to the children of the original marriage on the new wife's death.

The point really is that half the estate the father inherited was originally the dead mother's so you could argue it was perfectly fair that her children should at least inherit some of the estate when HE died.

The new wife could make the same arrangements for her descendants...after all she could go first and the situation might be reversed with HER children losing out.

I'm really sorry for your loss. My mum died when I was 18 and my dad remarried five years later, it felt incredibly fast so I do understand. But it isn't fast at all, really. He's known her for far longer than lots of couples have who marry; you say it was "out of the blue" and I totally understand why it feels like that but it's not at all. My brother and I made it pretty hard for my dad and stepmother when they got together and I hugely regret it - they are very happy together, a great team and she's added so much to his (and our) lives. I'd also add that even from a completely selfish point of view, as my dad gets older I am hugely glad and relieved that she is there with him, and that his care won't fall entirely on me and my siblings.

There seem to be quite a few different things getting muddled up here OP and it could be helpful to separate them out.

Your mother's memory - you can't really know how your mum would have felt about your dad meeting someone else or about him getting married. She might have been glad for him. You can only say that you would be upset to see her 'replaced' in this particular way, but even that might make your dad so sad that you'd wish it unsaid.
Health/end of life decisions - it's sensible for him to have a younger person with LPA instead of or as well as his partner/wife. He needs to make an informed decision about that and set it up while he is well enough to do so. You would be an obvious choice, perhaps working alongside his partner and taking over if she becomes unable to do it. You can encourage your dad to set this up asap because everyone should be prepared.
Inheritance - it is his decision what he puts in his will, but you can advise him to talk through all the implications with a solicitor. Getting married need not mean disinheriting you, and he may want some of his estate to go to you and some to his partner, and/or he may want her to have a life interest in the house, depending what assets she has of her own. The main thing is that he thinks about it and makes a will that he is at peace with. None of the people in it need to know what it contains.

I do sympathise with your feelings. My dad met a new woman very soon after my mum's death and it was terribly upsetting for me and my siblings, especially visiting the home where we grew up and seeing his new partner's belongings piled up on the bedside table next to the side of the bed where Mum had been sleeping until the previous month. It hurts. But the bereaved parent continues to have a life.

Voted yabu as think no one should try to limit another’s happiness. The comments about the estate makes it seem as though financial considerations are also a factor when considering his future happiness.
i am sure neither of your parents would want that
I am sorry you lost your mother, you must miss her unbearably, as does your Dad. FWIW he has shown respect to your mother by waiting so long and to you seeking your blessing
and if he becomes frail will you look after him or move him into a care home, which would certainly eat up the entirety of his estate

Thank you for the comments and advice, lots to consider.

100% I would be the same.
Lovely he has a relationship. Carry on but absolutely no to marriage at that point in life. Honestly what is the benefit?
You do stand to loose inheritance and it has happened in my family TWICE.
If he insists ensure everything in placed in trust for you and she can only stay in house/ live off interest until her death.
Get legal advice. But try as hard as you can to stop him marrying her.
Be kind to him , men do rend to do this sadly.

Nothing wrong with having concern around finances OP, your mother intended for you to benefit in the fullness of time and that should be honoured.
My father specifically took legal advice on remarriage when writing his will: that his wife will receive a fair amount if he predeceases her, but he does not want her children or random members of her family benefitting over his own descendants.

My father and mum broke up years ago and he promised to her that if she went with nothing he’d leave it all ti me

he got remarried and died recently and according to my stepmother he died without a single penny

not even ine

he sold two house worth a good million. Where’s that gone?

you’re right to be worried. I left it when my father told me I was on his will. He’s now dead and I can’t speak to him about it. I’m not worried that I’m not getting any money. I’m worried how on earth he spent it? There is no way he spent that within a few years.

I don’t care I don’t get anything. I’m taking her to court over it. Because I’m worried she made him lose it

Best way to sort this out is to make a will that protects your half of your shared estate. Any half decent will writer can do that. Wont cost much and worth every penny.

Because as the OP shows, the mother didnt expect him to marry again (and I am sure when he said he wouldnt, he meant it) but once you are dead he can do anything he likes and it will be too late for your kids to do anything about it.

And I should just make clear, those kids were all over 40 when my father first met them.

More likely she siphoned it off in the preceding year

Yes it does bring out the worst in people. Usually the ‘second wife/husband’ and their families in my experience.
Many (adult) children get pushed out of the way when a new partner comes along and her (or his) children inherit. Maybe it doesn’t matter much if your parents don’t have much to leave or didn’t inherit from their parents but I would hate to think of my stepfathers daughters wearing the beautiful jewellry my maternal grandmother had bought for her by my grandfather for example.

My father has been suckered in by a woman -younger - who has ensured my brother and I willNOT receive anything when our father dies as it’s all going to HER daughter despite the fact that my father brought about 10 times more into the relationship.
Will it ‘bring out the worst in me’? No, I’ve accepted it. I’m angry with my father though for letting this happen.
Luckily my mother has her head screwed on and has kept finances seperate from her second husband. His children will inherit from him, I’ll inherit from her.

My great uncle was bled dry by his second wife and her family. He wasn’t allowed to spend a penny on flowers for the grave of his first wife and child . He died neglected, hungry, cold and unloved and his blood family paid for his funeral as everything he had had been siphoned off and he died with nothing but the dirty clothes he was wearing,

So @Perimomof2 I feel for you. I too wouldn’t want ‘wife number 2’ getting her hands on everything my mum worked for.
Speak to your dd and get him some legal advice. I men, after all, if she truly loves him she won’t have any issue with him leaving his estate to his children will she??

This

I don't think you are being unreasonable, why do they need to marry? And if they really want to marry does he know what this means regarding his assets if he dies? Is he aware he can make a Will? I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with asking these questions. If he wants to leave it all to his new wife or the cat's home etc then that's up to him.

You have every right to think about the consequences and be worried about your inheritance disappearing.

Why does your father want to marry? Is the gf putting pressure on him?

I assume that if they live close by, she has her own property.
Maybe hers is worth more than his.
Maybe they're planning to sell both properties, downsize, and give a good chunk to you then.

On the face of it though I can understand your concerns.

Difficult. If your relationship with him is paramount then I guess you'll you have to work out what discussions you can have while still preserving that.
Re wills. Any will your dad has made will be nullified on marriage. Marriage resets that. So he (and she) may well wish to make seperate wills to reflect their wishes.
Lasting Power of Attorney is unaffected by marriage. If your dad has already appointed an LPA (you?) then that will stand. Know that 'next of kin' has no authority when it comes to decison-making, anyone close to the person should be consulted if the need arises.

FIL did this. MIL of 50 years passed & he was on with her bf within months, married shortly after.

I know everyone thinks it's his money... But, MIL told me her biggest fear was her life savings being diverted to another woman's kids. She left her half of the house & money to DH & SIL. They decided FIL needed it & over rode the will. FIL promptly married, sold the house and handed most of it to new DW. New will states 1/3rds DH, SIL, new wife.

I suspect FIL's motivation was to stop SIL putting him in a home, and obtain a companion & carer. The one positive is that FIL has become very unwell & needs 24/7 care, doc appts etc. and it's new wife problem. Even dedicated DH is so hurt he's pulled back. He was running out almost every day & and chewing through his leave for FIL beforehand. It's not about money, it's about the total disregard for his wife of 50 years & his own DC.

I'd be making sure a new will is drawn up after the wedding, but, that doesn't stop it being diverted beforehand, as we've found out.

You mean “renders the state and tax payers liable for my mum’s social care fees if we don’t want to look after her and we still inherit”

I think you’re unreasonable objecting without explaining why. It’s not about being disrespectful to your mum is it? It’s about the inheritance/POA - which is understandable, I would feel the same. I think most would tbh.

You need to talk to your dad. He’s asked you so obviously values your opinion - making sure he protects his assets, even just for himself is sensible. If I died I wouldn’t want what me and DH have built up to go to a strangers family -that’s normal isn’t it? Talk to him.

Him knowing her 5 years has nothing to do with it, it is quite a long time actually. The point is marriage second time round if you have children is to be handled carefully or not done at all. It’s pretty pointless and in fact complicates everything.

why dont they just live together

They are 80 prob diff values

It doesn’t complicate things at all. An effective will needs to be drawn up that addresses inheritance. It’s really simple but needs doing properly.

My Dad married my step-Mum a few years after my Mum died. I was delighted as she was lovely. Sadly, she also predeceased him.

They were both 70ish and widowed so they decided to keep their finances completely separate, except for sharing household bills. Their Wills also kept their estates separate and my Dad didn’t inherit anything when my SM died, everything went to her family.

I and my auntie have LPA for my Dad; her family had LPA for her.

I would say to your Dad that you and your siblings would like to retain POA as you’ve obviously known him all your lives and want to ensure that his wishes are followed/he’s well taken care of.