To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

[Perimomof2]

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

You can write your wills so that it makes it impossible for a new wife to inherit a deceased wifes half. Its held in trust for her children. It costs more than a mirror will.

What a sad situation for your friend. Stories like this are what make me worry about my DF’s situation.

His partner owns her house and is relatively well off so is not a gold digger as such but if I were to not be involved in decisions around my DF’s health and wealth I would be devastated. I have known and loved him dearly my entire life, she has known him for a fraction of that time.

My Dad died last year. My mum was convinced she would go first. Next year they would have been married 60 years. When they made their will years ago, their home was put in trust, if one of them was to die. This means that 50% of my mum's home is owned by me and my sister. When my mum is gone the house is fully owned by me and my sister.

This arrangement is good for tax purposes and protects 50% of the value of the home if mum needed care.

All the cash and pensions passed to my mum, so she obviously has chosen where thos goes in her will.

Maybe you could discuss something like this with him? Ultimately your Dad has the last say, but this puts him in the driving seat to make decisions and you can have a sensible and fair conversation, that protects his assets now and in the future.

Can you be the other or your sister? You need donor PoA as well in case someone can't act.

My mum was convinced my Dad would do what your Dad has done and I tend to agree and am glad I have not had to be put in your position.

POA goes to whoever the person it's for chooses to give it to - they have to start the process and choose who will have POA and then the people they've nominated have to sign a form if they agree. You can have more than one person in order of priority - so someone might list their spouse and then a child and then a sibling, for example. Don't forget there's two kinds of POA.

It's the same with the wills - the person decides who they will leave things to, and it doesn't have to be their spouse. You can have arrangements like the spouse is entitled to stay in the house for life but then it goes to the kids. Or if he and the new wife become tenants in common then she can leave her half to who she wants and he can do the same. But don't forget marriage invalidates wills - he'll need to amend his will AFTER the marriage.

Isn't that what trust wills are for?

Perhaps he is marrying her because he WANTS her to be the one who makes decisions about his health and welfare and funeral? After all she is his partner of many years and he presumably likes and loves her even if you don’t. It’s entirely possible he is worried you @Perimomof2 and your siblings don’t warm to her and will treat her badly if he dies first. His estate is his to leave as he pleases and for myself I would be happy if my husband found solace after I died. I would be very displeased if my children weren’t supportive of him finding a new partner though I do understand it might be upsetting.

I think you were pretty awful telling him its disrespectful to his late wife's memory.

All you can reasonably do is suggest that he seeks legal advice with a view to updating his will in anticipation of the marriage.

Chances are that he may not be aware…

• of all the implications of remarrying
• that marriage invalidates his current will

Extremely unreasonable of you to say you object to him getting married. It must have an enormous thing for him to bring this to you, and he'll always remember your first response. Who are you to deny the man happiness in the final years of his life? Your mum would have wanted him to be happy, surely?

If you have concerns over POA for his health, you could have raised that at an appropriate time. As for your inheritance, he may well now want some/all of it to pass to his new wife should he die, to provide for any care she may need. Unless you think she is exerting influence on him to make financial decisions he's not 100% happy with, it's not really any of your business.

I think you are perfectly entitled to expect at least half of the marital assets from the first marriage.

Your dad should make a new will, as soon as he gets married to ensure his wife of 50 years doesn't have the proceeds of her life's work disregarded and given to a bunch of strangers.

You don't have powers of attorney for health and finance set up already? This is one of the reasons it's a good idea for people to put them in place before any concerns arise. I hope you can progress the situation amicably. Professional advice will be essential to get his will right.
[edit: not rtft, but you seem to have put two questions. 1, your mum's memory and the new marriage - if they want to be together and marriage is for them, nothing should stand in their way. 2, the financial and health advocacy implications - yes, absolutely get professional advice and ensure his wishes are protected (hopefully they will align with the side of fairness)

As someone who lost out in just this way, I sympathise. He needs a rock solid will that leaves at least your mum’s half to you, in fact as he could end up in care , it’s best he gives it now and sorts out a home with his new wife.

Haven’t read the full thread.

I'm in a similar position, however my Mum knew my Dad's new partner and would be horrified to think that our inheritance (which won’t be a huge amount) could go to her and her kids instead of my brother and me.

It’s not really about the money, it’s more about my Mum’s money going to someone else. I really don’t think you are being ‘grabby’.

I know I would be devastated if I thought my DS wouldn't get to inherit my wealth (and that which has been handed down through my family for several generations) if my DH chose to remarry if I died.

I don't think you are a bad person to question inheritance and ask your Dad to speak to a solicitor to protect his wealth for you and your siblings. The same goes for his partner otherwise everything of hers could end up coming your way one day rather than keeping to her side of the family.

Remember though if he has a will now, that will be invalid the minute he remarries.

So many people saying you are grabby, but any inheritance has to go somewhere and most of us would want a fair share to go to our children and not to a random unrelated stranger when a second spouse dies.

I hope he is aware of the legal implication of marriage, making a new will etc and does the right thing and not place trust for his wife to do the right thing if he does marry and predeceases her.

Linda Bellingham!

What would be the problem with his new wife making decisions relating to his health ?

But how far do we take this approach? Are we saying that after the death of a spouse all surviving spouses should freeze the assets of their partner and put them in trust?

This is a perfectly logical solution and could be stated in the will. In the absence of that direction the surviving spouse gets everything and there is no unspoken or legal expectation that the assets are theirs and theirs alone to keep, sell or squander.

The issue at hand is autonomy, Ops father has every right to do with his estate as he wishes.

My parents have been married 50 odd years. I can't imagine either of them with anyone else, that must be hard OP, but I suppose you wouldn't want to see them sad and alone either.
I'd also be concerned about my inheritance to be fair. I doubt your mum would have wanted someone else and their DC getting the benefit of her hard work.

Thanks, some good advice here. His partner does have children.

And I agree, I will of course respect his decision whether I like it or not. My relationship with him is too important to jeopardise.

My own dad got together with a woman on his street 3 months after mum died. I actually think it was sooner, but that's when he told me about her outright, rather than mention her in passing. Then he got engaged a couple months later. Thing is, my dad would've been husband number 4, had dad lived long enough to actually get married. A friend of dads asked him to slow down, he'd who'd known the lady for years and told us that as soon as the other husbands died, she ignored the wishes of money to be shared with husbands children and she kept everything. The 3rd husband she didn't even tell the husbands children when or where the funeral was because they didn't get on. I did see some evidence of this when I went through dads paperwork dealing with his estate.

The thought of mum's wishes of the house being split equally between her four children not happening made me sad, the thought of the new one being in control of his funeral etc was hard but the thought of it all going to, well, a lady who preyed on my dad when vulnerable smarted a lot. I would have rather it all went to charity.

Careful OP. Your dad would have to change quite a lot to ensure his wishes are carried out. Just a will I don't think does much good - it all goes to the surviving spouse as far as I can tell.

You're not being unreasonable. Some people are incredibly naive. It would gall me too. Luckily, my dad has promised never to marry his girlfriend and rewrote his will after she moved in. Her kids have already received their inheritance from her as she sold her house years ago and was living with one of them. My dad's dad died before his stepmum and her sons inherited his dad's money and he has never got over it. She has a right to live there if he was to pass first, and will get a 5 figure lump sum, but not the house.

My mum didn't die, but when she left him she didn't take what she was entitled to because he would have had to have sold it, and he loves his house. She trusted that he would leave the house to me and my sister just as your mum trusted your dad. That's what would gall me the most.

My main concern was though that if he marries her and something goes wrong, HE risks losing his house, his pride and joy, and will get nothing from her as she's already got rid of it.

Hope it all works out!

Exactly this. Thank you.

My parent had a pre paid funeral plan with their wishes set out so that was already sorted. Realistically if your Dad married her then as his wife she should definitely get some say in his healthcare treatment if it comes to it though. I don't think it would be sensible to have decisions made by someone who isn't then living with him.

If for example you (and I'm not saying you would), were reluctant for him to go into a care home if needed, because you didn't want it to suck up his savings. Then that wouldn't be fair either.... Essentially if he's of sound mind then he can make his own financial/marriage/health choices. And I say this a someone whose parent very recently passed away and it turned out their will was completely different to one they had a few years ago.

If it's all about his health and not about the money, he can grant you POA over his health anyway.

So ask him to do that.

Some posters are saying that if your DF currently has a will your inheritance will be protected. If you're in the UK that is not true.

It's important that you have an honest, respectful conversation before he married.