Brother-in-Law’s new baby

[ThatRubyMoose]

My eldest daughter (my husband’s stepdaughter)has a party this afternoon and husband has just announced that while we are at the party he and youngest are going round to his brother’s to meet the new baby.

His sisters will both be there but not with their husbands (but with a takeaway).

Photos will be taken for MiL’s Christmas card.

I am so upset that he doesn’t understand why I want to meet the baby and that yet again my eldest will be excluded.

He, once again has no empathy. Because his sisters’ husbands aren’t there he can’t understand why I am upset.

I am jealous! Have I a right to be.

It sounds like the brother has only invited siblings and no husbands and wives so it sounds fair to me as everyone is being treated the same.

Will the other siblings bring their own children? If so maybe not quite so fair but then again your DH can't take your DD with him if she has another commitment. If she could have gone with him if she didn't have the party then it's just unfortunate.

Also how new is the baby? I can fully understand the brother wanting to keep the numbers down with a new born.

Is it just a timing clash? I mean, if you weren’t bringing your eldest to a party would you both be able to visit the baby too?

If so, it’s just unfortunate timing imho.

If not, and you’ve been deliberately excluded, that’s quite different.

They want a blood relative photo for their Mum's Christmas card. It's going to be awkward if your eldest is there. Make it clear that you are dying to meet the baby and arrange something another time. You don't have the right to have your jealousy dictate his behaviour.

None of the partners are going so it's fine.

They’re taking a family photo for their mother. It isn’t going to include anyone’s partners or stepchildren. Arrange with BIL and SIL for you, DH and DD to visit them and the new baby another time.

I think you should focus on YOUR daughters party, let him have some time with his siblings with no partners and see the baby another time.

All the children will be there.

Baby is a week and a half.

Husbands Brothers-in-Law would have been invited but wouldn’t be interested.

We would have been treated politely but eldest would have been manoeuvred out of grandchildren photos.

This is a secret from Mother-in-law as well and I don’t like my youngest being asked to keep even innocent secrets.

He sees no reason for me to be upset at missing an opportunity to meet a baby.

There's a difference between secrets and surprises, this is a surprise so it's fine.

I do understand why you are upset that your eldest is being left out and conveniently excluded from the Christmas card photos.

Has it always been this way?

Why does DH want youngest there?

I'm with your husband... sounds like it's a blood relationships photo.
Has your youngest never kept a secret about what she, with perhaps her dad's help if needed, might have got you for a birthday or Christmas? Or is that somehow different?
The new baby isn't going to just suddenly disappear or feel different about you because you didn't attend this particular event

They're making a Christmas card photo of children and grandchildren for your MIL. I don't see a problem with that 🤷
If it was a wider family photo it'd be different.
Seems like they're taking an opportunity for your DD not to feel left out, surely that's better.

He’s now going through the wardrobes looking for something red.

Oh for goodness sake.

get it together!

Good. It'll be a lovely photo for mil.

Honestly with the best will in the world blended families are tricky. My mother in law is lovely with BILs step daughter but a grand children photo would generally just be her blood grand children.

I am one for not thinking being married to someone means who have to be completely in their pocket. I'll spend time with my sister without DH there and he'll spend time with his family without me there. We all get on really well and there are absolutely no issues but I don't feel in a situation like that I would have to be included.

This is a secret from Mother-in-law as well and I don’t like my youngest being asked to keep even innocent secrets.

Why would this upset you? It's for a surprise gift.

Does this mean that you could not, for example, be seen wrapping up a present or go shopping for a present for your husband's birthday and ask your youngest child not to tell daddy?

It seems oddly overcautious.

I honestly don’t see the issue with a blood relative / immediate and direct family photo for your MIL.

YABU.

How old is your eldest and how long have you been with DH? Blended families are tricky but you can't force people to accept others as family. Your husband picked you/your daughter, his family didn't.

You’re being difficult. A surprise Christmas present falls into the category of secrets which are okay to keep, and you need to teach your child the difference between those sorts of secrets, and secrets which should never be kept.

You already have plans with your DD, DH has made plans with his siblings during that time. Siblings wanting to get together without their partners to take a photo for their mother of her children and grandchildren is completely fine. I’m sure they like your DD, but it’s just the reality of being a blended family. You and DH chose to be a blended family with your DC from a previous relationship, his relatives had no say in it.

It's a shame about not meeting the baby, but I understand why your eldest isn't in the photo for MIL.

Just arrange yourself another day to go and meet the baby

It sounds as if they’re trying to be tactful in taking an opportunity for this photo when it won’t be so obvious your elder dd isn’t in it. The fact that it’s the first opportunity to meet the new baby is a side-issue - coincidence, even.
I don’t think the “not keeping secrets” thing applies to surprise presents for people.

Sorry OP, you’re being a bit precious about this

Here we go again.

Your eldest daughter is not your MIL’s granddaughter. She’s not a member of her family. She’s a member of her extended family. So are you and so is every sibling’s spouse.

You will meet the baby. It’s a newborn.

Don’t go around borrowing trouble. There’s plenty of actual trouble in the world for everyone to share equally (even with extended family).

Yes this struck me too, trying to make out it's a big "secret" when really it's a surprise for her Christmas present.

Oh gosh I have just realised which poster this is.

You have posted dozens of times about the blended family situation. Every time you’re told that you’re doing more damage to your eldest DD by giving her the expectation that she should be included as a grandchild in the same way as all DH family children. Every time you’re told that DHs family obviously don’t include her in everything and there’s nothing at all you can do about it.

Are you the poster who’s female in laws all go to the panto together? If so you really need to learn to let this go.