Brother-in-Law’s new baby

[ThatRubyMoose]

My eldest daughter (my husband’s stepdaughter)has a party this afternoon and husband has just announced that while we are at the party he and youngest are going round to his brother’s to meet the new baby.

His sisters will both be there but not with their husbands (but with a takeaway).

Photos will be taken for MiL’s Christmas card.

I am so upset that he doesn’t understand why I want to meet the baby and that yet again my eldest will be excluded.

He, once again has no empathy. Because his sisters’ husbands aren’t there he can’t understand why I am upset.

I am jealous! Have I a right to be.

Yes. Was that not apparent?

Again, nope. OP’s husband isn’t her father and his family aren’t her paternal relations. Insisting otherwise isn’t going to change reality.

Trust me my DB has had a child with 4 different women. Each of those women already had children with other people. If I just accepted every step child as a niece or nephew I’d have 17 nieces and nephews from just him. At some point you draw the line to blood related. And yes, my brother needs to stop procreating

Not really tbh, i had to guess what exactly you were saying 🙄

Okay, well, I am normal, you are someone who advocates for adults leaving children out of family photos on the basis of her not sharing dna - i will leave it there

my brother has had 5 kids with 4 different women. Between those 4 women there are 17 kids. Should my mum still be treating all of those kids as grandchildren?

It's not necessarily all the photos , it's this one as a present with her actual family in it. No partners, no steps of any stripe. And that's fine. Other photos will probably happen at other times.

@Bridesmaidorexfriend I pity all those children. I assume most of them are no longer in your lives.

Mmhmm.

Considering how frequently these issues are posted about on mumsnet, I would have thought it would have occurred to you that ‘normal’ doesn’t conform to your personal preferences. Guess not.

It's a photograph of her children and grandchildren. You aren't her child and your eldest daughter is not her grandchild. Of course DH and younger DD go without you.

If you are the poster who bangs on about this stuff every ear, just get past it for your own sake and especially for the sake of your daughters. Being angry that younger daughter can see her cousins is unfair, as is pretending to your older daughter that she is part of a family unit that she clearly isn't.

This is a problem you are making yourself.

It's worth a look at some of OPs previous threads on the issue.

This is a family who are very much about blood relatives and being clear on who's related how, and they've never made any secret of this. It's not of especial importance what anyone else thinks of them, because it is a fact on the ground. OP doesn't get a choice about it. There are only two ways she has any control in this situation. One is to decide whether to remain in the relationship in these circumstances, and it's clearly not a deal breaker for her. The second is to decide how she manages her jealousy.

No, apart from my actual nieces who I try to see a few times a year and take them out to cinema etc. My brother is still with the mum of two youngest and I don’t see much of him. So I go through their mums to see them. But I take them out so they get to spend time with their other siblings on their dads side, but I obviously don’t take out their siblings from their mums side too. Not that they’d expect it, I’m just the sister of their mum’s ex. They don’t view me an family either

What would you rather your DH and other child did when you and your daughter were at the party?

It seems to me you were doing something nice with your daughter (the party) so your DH has decided to do something nice for your other child and meet the baby. If none of the other in-laws will be there I don’t see the problem. He’s catching up with his siblings and meeting his new blood niece/nephew. There will be plenty of time for you to do the same.

I can see why they’ve decided to use it as an opportunity to take a photo for MIL, but I can also see that it might be upsetting for your daughter to be the only child left out when it’s displayed. Does she have a good relationship with her own father’s family? - because surely that’s where her photos will exclusively be displayed without her younger sibling, so it all equals out.

Although I say that, mum does still buy token selection boxes for the younger siblings of some of her actual grandchildren if she’s buying her actual grandchild a Christmas present. But it’s very much a token and they probably don’t even really know who she is

She isn't. It is up the the grandmother to decide. This child was not born of any of her children.

I hate the exclusion of kids in situations like this, but nobody has the right to decide an unrelated child is suddenly a grandchild, niece or whatever.

It is up to the parent of their child to find out how they will be treated/included, before getting involved with someone.

If people did this, it would save a lot of heartache.

she should be treating the children of his wife as grandchildren, plus any who are around her constantly, whilst shunning your brother for his extremely poor decision making.

So they’re her grandchildren until he moves on to the next woman? Then she’s allowed to discard the last lot and expected to fully embrace the next lot?

The op has been told to leave this man on another very emotive thread, but still posts about the situation that she is doing nothing to change. I root for this kids eventual emancipation from the lot of them, honestly,

I honestly for the life of me have never understand families like this that make a tradition to not include partners in these family gatherings. Its really rude and hurtful and really makes no sense to me what do they get out of excluding the partners? Its ok for ops husbands sisters, they hubby's probably dont care but I think a woman will always feel left out if her husbands family dont include her. Imaging inviting everyone and actually saying, dont invite the wife, we are getting a take away. its weird. As for the picture, ok I get it they dont want the step child in the pic (I dont personally agree with this ) but they could include the step child in other pics. It really isn't a bad thing to include ppl and make them feel relevant in the family.

No, they remain her grandchildren. They won’t be as close because tbh, whether you have 19 biological or non biological grandkids, you won’t be close to them all. Has he married all of the women he has impregnated? Has he brought all of the kids and the women around the family for a significant length of time?

So a bloke can have a baby with someone who already has five kids and suddenly his mother finds herself a grandmother of six not a grandmother of one?

Life doesn't work this way. People are of their own minds.

I can understand why some don't want to accept random children, acquired through marriage, as their grandchildren.

You saying they should, saying end of, and calling folk psychologically unwell, doesn't make it happen.

Anyway, you seem to be looking for a fight. I am able to see both sides without resorting to name calling.

Woman here. Couldn’t give less of a fuck if my husband’s family include me or not. I’m dating him, not the rest of his family.

He was with each one for a number of years. I know all of their names and have met each child. Even the ones that came after they broke up as they are my neices siblings.

But none of them view me or my mum as family, and we don’t view them as such. They have their own family on their mum and dads side. I think they’d be a bit creeped out if my mum insisted they were her grandchildren.

Just because you choose to blend families doesn’t mean that your family have to adopt the SC. As you can see, it can get very messy and sad as when relationships end you’d end up losing the family member you’ve been told you must embrace as your own. It’s more realistic to just stop trying to control extended families. People will do what they want to do.

If they are a family. If the kids are round all of the time and families are enmeshed then yeah. This likely wouldnt happen, as youd probably be joining a family that already has 5 kids rather than them joining yours

But in this circumstance, the girl is joining an already established family, with her mum, and was there before the other kids came along

To exclude her is pointedly nasty

This was pretty much my life growing up.

I think it helps when the step child knows that they are not a replacement family more a nice add on.

Problems start when normally mothers let their children have expectations of people who are not their family often while letting the biological family off Scott free.