Brother-in-Law’s new baby

[ThatRubyMoose]

My eldest daughter (my husband’s stepdaughter)has a party this afternoon and husband has just announced that while we are at the party he and youngest are going round to his brother’s to meet the new baby.

His sisters will both be there but not with their husbands (but with a takeaway).

Photos will be taken for MiL’s Christmas card.

I am so upset that he doesn’t understand why I want to meet the baby and that yet again my eldest will be excluded.

He, once again has no empathy. Because his sisters’ husbands aren’t there he can’t understand why I am upset.

I am jealous! Have I a right to be.

Why the urgency? It's a baby, it will still be there in the coming weeks, months, years.

This is the gist of it op. You decided that your daughter should be blended into this family, but no one else agreed to that. As harsh as that is, you placed your child in this position.
Absolutely nothing wrong with MIL wanting just he GC in a photo with her.

There’s nothing wrong with them wanting a picture of all your MIL’s grandchildren for a gift for her.

And nobody has a right to meet a new baby whenever they want to. It’s up to the parents what they feel up to, who and when. You and your DD will get to meet the baby before too long.

Husband’s brother-in-law would have been invited but wouldn’t be interested

Do you know they were invited?

This is a secret from mother-in-law as well and I don’t like my youngest being asked to keep even innocent secrets

Well now you’re being difficult. It’s not a secret. It’s a surprise. Do you not help your youngest buy a present for their dad’s birthday or Father’s Day? Is that not kept “secret”?

Because the mother of a newborn wants her DH’s whole extended family to arrive….

Come on OP, see it from the new Mum’s POV. She has her siblings visiting.

Send your congratulations and visit at a less busy pressured time. This is not all about you.

And it’s happening this afternoon. When your Dd is busy anyway. Are you actually wanting the new mother to make arrangements around you?

Sorry if I have misunderstood something

This blood relative shite is so weird! It’s unbelievable some families operate like this really.

If you are the OP that keeps posting about your eldest daughter being excluded and your youngest being asked to keep things from your other daughter and sneak off for photos at weddings etc I think your in laws are a disgrace and awful. This all seems way too familiar

Excluding the eldest is really shitty?

It's not at all weird. A picture for the MIL of her grandchildren, not including children who are not her grandchildren, is not weird.
It's completely and utterly normal.

Your eldest is not her grandchild
If I'd had a child before I met my DH ,I know 100% the in-laws would not include the child ..they are all about family ..lord knows it took them long enough to accept me as his wife .
Some people are just like this
Your DH treats her well , obviously or you wouldn't be with him ,so at least that's something

No it isn't.

I remember the panto thread …

You need therapy OP. I fear this timing has been arranged specifically because your eldest had plans which means your DH’s family are all well aware of you being difficult… If you keep this up, you’re heading for a divorce.

It is quite mean spirited that all photos would have to exclude your eldest.
If the party were not at the same time, I assume that you and your eldest would have been included. Do you think so?

Embrace their obsession with blood relations by refusing to have anything to do with new baby. DH is in charge of presents for everyone on his side this year, yay.

Op, you are trying to muscle your eldest in to a family that do not see her as one of them.

Does your daughter regard MIL as her Granny? Does she have contact with her dad, two biological sets of parents , aunts etc?

I understand that this is not how you pictured your blended family scenario, but you cannot bend other people to your will on this.

I agree with pp that you should try therapy. CBT to try to control your intrusive over thinking may help.

Meantime, be glad of what your eldest daughter does have.

Good grief what’s going on on here today with all the odd sensitivity.

op you will get to meet the baby, get a grip on yourself..

I think it’s actually really considerate to plan this when your oldest has another fun activity to attend. Different families have different approaches to step children, there’s no right or wrong way.

If you and DH split up would you be facilitating your eldest spending time and overnights with your DH and/or his extended family? Would you expect the access arrangements with your DH to be the same for your youngest and eldest? If you say no, then you don’t see your eldest as part of his family in the same way your youngest is, and so it’s a bit hypocritical to expect them to have a different approach.

I don't know the backstory but on face value these people are being horrible. This blood relatives only thing is weird, especially in this day and age..What horrible, nasty people.

What possible harm could it do to include your daughter in photographs?

What us alsk deeply weird is inviting your married siblings round to meet a new baby and leaving out their partners. They sound like a very odd crew.

To be honest I wouldn't give these people the time of day or any room in my head in your shoes.

No, this family sounds very odd.

You really really need to make your peace with the dynamics of this family, or your upset over it will be what hurts and damages your daughter most in the long term.

You can privately think the inlaws are a bunch of dicks, but you can't react like a delicate flower to every single incident where they don't treat you and your eldest exactly the same as the blood relatives. Their plan for this afternoon really honestly isn't an issue unless you decide to make it into one. They will never feel how you want them to about you and your daughter, so you need to find a way to be ok with that, and make sure she feels special and loved just the same.

This really isn't about you and the only power you have here is to manage your own feelings and protect you daughter's feelings, by behaving normally and cheerfully, not making this into an issue, and taking her to the party where she will have a good time.

Why?? She's not a GC.

Neither do I tbh. I’d be relieved and if this was my partner/relationship and his brother had a baby I can’t say I’d particularly care. But that’s me. As none of the other partners are going though it’s clearly not a case of you being personally excluded.

If this is the same op as the panto and Disney and the wedding. She’s still not listened. If she isn’t go find them threads.

And definitely you can emotionally back away from them all, be polite and friendly when you see them, but don't invest any energy or effort into doing things for them or in trying to get them to see your daughter as part of their family.

From all your previous threads, they do sound like a bunch of dicks, but by far the worst thing about the situation is your reaction to the way they behave and your refusal to accept that they don't want your eldest in the grandchildren photos.

For the sake of your daughter's mental health, you really need to get to the point where you can just roll your eyes, let them get on with it, and do other nice things with her instead.