Brother-in-Law’s new baby

[ThatRubyMoose]

My eldest daughter (my husband’s stepdaughter)has a party this afternoon and husband has just announced that while we are at the party he and youngest are going round to his brother’s to meet the new baby.

His sisters will both be there but not with their husbands (but with a takeaway).

Photos will be taken for MiL’s Christmas card.

I am so upset that he doesn’t understand why I want to meet the baby and that yet again my eldest will be excluded.

He, once again has no empathy. Because his sisters’ husbands aren’t there he can’t understand why I am upset.

I am jealous! Have I a right to be.

What’s weird is continuing to insist that it’s weird, despite all available evidence to the contrary.

OP - you are not going to get what you want from your husband and his family. What you want was never something they offered to you, and this was repeatedly made clear. You chose to continue your relationship and bring another child into it anyway. That’s on you.

Whatever feelings you have about this are something you need to resolve within yourself, because you cannot and will not be able to control what your husband and in laws think and feel towards your eldest.

Oh it's you again.

OP, nothing is going to change, no matter how much you resist it.

Blended families sometimes fully blend, often or not though, they don't. It is a risk we take.

Here you are again, making a fuss over nothing. They simply want to make a blood relative photo surprise for the grandmother.

Stop foisting yourself and your wants and wishes into every facet of this family's dynamic. You will be far happier if you just accept that this is how they are.

Isn't it just!! Pisses me right off on this site. All the sanctimonious "mothers" on here who blether on about blood relatives.

I think even when children are grown up, there are times a mum wants to just spend time with her children without partners. Even if you like the partners. I know when mine are grown I will still want time with just them. My mum likes time with me and my brother without our spouses. We like time just us as well. Totally normal.

In principle, I agree. Children being sidelined due to blood is obviously cruel.

But when a family has stated up front, they will never see your child as a family member, surely you accept it, or, don't get involved.

Blended families are hard and often made up of people imposing children onto others, that may not be that embracing or inclusive.

I personally, find treating kids differently as seen by some posts on here about leaving a child out of a family wedding etc, as spiteful and pointed.

But this posters history on here is one where she just doesn't want to understand what has been made plain to her.

Planning surprises is not the same as keeping secrets because the intention is always to reveal the surprise (at a specific point in the future). I have made this distinction extremely clear to my children.

I think your in-laws have been as tactful as possible in having their family photo at a time when you and your eldest would not be expected to go. No other spouses, you’re at a party anyway etc. Try to let it go.

One more thought for you OP, if you actually want to resolve this ongoing issue.

Read up on the drama triangle. You have cast yourself and your eldest as the victims in this family dynamic, but the victim role isn't your only option.

It will take some effort and some personal growth on your part, but you could educate yourself about this dynamic which often occurs in dysfunctional relationships and recognise that you're currently getting some kind of payoff from being stuck in the victim role, ie an enjoyment, on some level, about being an innocent victim of this cruel family.

You could reframe the whole thing and take back some power over the part you play in it, if you choose to.

Its not about you. Its just a baby, they all look the same when they are new, nothing to be excited about. I think its nice the siblings are getting together. You can't force people to be your family unless you are born into it. Its not a big deal.

It really isn't "weird" or "cruel," as some have said. It's quite a usual stance, I would think, and not unreasonable for grandparents to want some photographs of their (own) grandchildren.
Wedding invitations I think are a bit different - lots of guests and wider family invited and yes, it would be not nice to exclude a step-sibling of those grandchildren, especially if they're being brought up together in one household.
Doesn't your dd have her own grandparents? Would your dh expect your joint dd to be in close family photographs there?

How long have you been married? And do you have much to do with MIL? If it's more than a couple of years and you spend a lot of time visiting MIL, then I feel like your daughter should be considered part of the family for photographs.

In my personal wider family experience, my own grandparents treated step-grandchildren like their own, and my mother still sees her ex-step-grandchild (who is now a young adult) several times a year, despite my sibling having been divorced since said ex-step-grandchild was ten!

But if you've not been married long, or your daughter doesn't see MIL much, then I can understand your husband's family's reasoning. Ultimately, it's not really a big deal, although I understand it feeling like a slight to you.

Is this same op where the in-laws aren’t exactly bad, just that op is unhappy they won’t leave an inheritance to her eldest dd, thinks everything has to be EXACTLY equal so attendance at events/birthday parties etc and wanted to stop younger dd having family contact unless they did so?

Also, I feel sorry for him. Sounds like hes excited to see them alone and is getting into the spirit of it. But then men should stop making babies in every relationship they enter, otherwise they get stuck in these types of claustrophobic entanglement and end up having to move on.

You are being ridiculous.

They probably don’t want to expose the baby to too many people.

Also, your mother in law most likely won’t want a photo of her step child.

I don’t see a problem with any of it, sorry.

As a stepchild and as a stepparent, step-grandchildren have always been included in family photos and occasions. I never understand why you wouldn’t embrace a child as part of your family. My Nana and Grandad treated me and dsis exactly the same as their other grandchildren, as have my parents with dsd and I am Grandma to dsd’s daughter.
We’re all a family. I don’t get it…

You’re being a bit weird about this. Chill.

Be careful not to mix up your hurt feelings about this situation with your feelings about your kids “keeping secrets”. This would be a good time to teach him/ her the differences between “surprises” (something nice that will be disclosed at a set future time) and secrets ( something that they’re being asked to never tell anyone about).

And if you were there, would you try to get yourself (and your eldest) into the photo, even though the BILs weren't there? Awkward...

Do you WANT to be someone that family members plan around, rather than with? If you want them planning things in secret with lots of "nobody tell Ruby", you're going the right way about it. Don't you think you'll be happier in the long run, if you learn to let this stuff go? Do it for your own sake.

OP, this is a regular thread on MN.
Older children being left out and othered by their new partners family, made worse when they then have a child together, a blood grandchild.

This is the consequence of your choice to have another child with a man.

Of course your husband doesn't get it, it doesn't suit him too.
He wants his child around his birth family.
I think its awful but you cannot force his family to view your child as part of theirs.

I really feel for your eldest child in this.
It's an awful position to be reared in.

Women need to realise this is a real possibility when they have more children with another man.
His family may tolerate you but your child from a first relationship is yours alone.

Awful and best avoided IMO.
Too late for you.
Good people don't behave like this.

This.

The best thing you could do OP is get some kind of therapy to help yourself learn to cope with the consequences of your decisions. Stuff like this keeps coming up for you every few months. More, if it's happening when you don't post about it. Your jealousy is going to give your eldest a complex.

And the wedding invite one, and the photos one….

Totally agree. Otherwise where do you draw the line?

This is starting to remind me of the “we must invite step cousins to Alton Towers” thread

This is a non problem.

What efforts did you make to arrange to see the new baby before you found out your husband was going when you’re already busy?

Do you expect your other dd and husband to do nothing while your oldest goes to her party?

You can all visit the new baby another time.

How does your MIL treat and respond to your eldest in general? Will she be surprised that she isn’t in the picture when she gets it?

I don't see why you're upset either, why are you so desperate to meet a baby?