Brother-in-Law’s new baby

[ThatRubyMoose]

My eldest daughter (my husband’s stepdaughter)has a party this afternoon and husband has just announced that while we are at the party he and youngest are going round to his brother’s to meet the new baby.

His sisters will both be there but not with their husbands (but with a takeaway).

Photos will be taken for MiL’s Christmas card.

I am so upset that he doesn’t understand why I want to meet the baby and that yet again my eldest will be excluded.

He, once again has no empathy. Because his sisters’ husbands aren’t there he can’t understand why I am upset.

I am jealous! Have I a right to be.

Oh just realised who you are. Will you ever stop banging on?

Are you very insecure in general, OP?

OP you need to be careful here. Eventually your DH is going to get fed up with there being drama every time his family plan an occasion that doesn't include your eldest. Your daughters are also going to pick up on this.

I can see both sides and I understand why it is hurtful for you. However you need to face up to reality. It doesn't sound as if this situation is ever going to change and you need to try to make the best of it for all your sakes.

The eldest grandchild of my mum (we will call her L) is not blood related and she would have been invited to anything of this nature but if she was busy she was busy and it would have gone ahead without her. They can’t change or delay the photo because your daughter has plans.

My mum never would have excluded L if she was there though and they had a special bond and joint interests.

I also think with a new baby then it might be better without partners of siblings as too many people is stressful.

I don’t think it matters if there is one special photo without you and your daughter as long as she isn’t excluded all the time if she happens to be there.

My mum has died recently and L is travelling 3 hrs for her funeral. My point being you get out what you put in. You can’t force people to invite you/ your daughter to things but if they don’t they are missing out on a closer relationship with you and your daughter.
Just try and have a lovely day that day with your daughter.

If it helps in a crisis situation recently my partners mum asked if she could do anything to help and I asked if she would drop off a meal for my 16 year old. She said no. I felt that was really unkind but then I thought that it was her loss. My 16 year old is amazing. So if she doesn’t want to make any effort to help him/ me when we are desperate then I won’t be making any effort with her going forward. We cant force people to care about us/ want us around but we cant force people match their energy going forward.

Urgh! No wonder so many new parents have no visitors these days for the first couple of weeks!

It’s clear that you are not close to the new mother, who less that two weeks post partum will be very lucky not to still be dealing with soreness from stitches, exhaustion, hormones and establishing feeding. She has every right to restrict visitors to people she feels close to and comfortable with, people who won’t get the hump if she disappears off to the bedroom with the baby.

The baby won’t go off or grow up before you get to see him and it’s really not about you in these early days and she doesn’t have to be “fair” in terms of distribution of invites between the two extended families at this very early stage where she is still recovering and adjusting.

It sounds like you’d bring an atmosphere with you too: hawk eyed to include your daughter in everything and on high alert for not being included or welcomed yourself. Honestly that’s not nice to be around. It puts everyone on tenterhooks. I’m not surprised your husband is taking advantage of you taking your eldest to a party. He can meet his new nephew and congratulate the new parents unselfconsciously and without worrying what’s going on with you.

My mum was great and generous with my step-daughter and always made a fuss of her but she didn’t regard her as a grandchild. We are not a big photo family but I’m not at all sure it would have occurred to any of us to include my step daughter in that kind of shoot, my daughters certainly wouldn’t have been included in any organised by step-daughter’s mother and we never had any problem between us. To be honest I’m not sure it would have occurred to me to include my DH! 😂 At our wedding we certainly included photos of just the female generations on my side (my brother having sadly already died). In the vanishingly unlikely event of my DH’s family uniting for a “Simpson” family photo, I wouldn’t expect to be included as I’m not close to them, no problems just little contact as we met and married well into adulthood and DH only sees one brother at all regularly and we see quite a bit of him only.

It’s for blood relatives. Leave your DH be.

Are you the poster who starts threads about this kind of thing regularly?

Your DD isn’t MILs grandchild.

Honestly, this is not an awful position to be reared in, unless people choose to make it so.

I was a step child. I honestly had no desire to be a part of my half siblings' extended families. I love my step dad, but I never wanted his parents to treat me like a grandchild, I had my own grandparents.

I do consider some of their cousins as 'cousins' in a vague way, in so far as I have spent time with them in a vaguely familial type relationship, but do not worry if I get excluded from 'family' occasions on their side.

Blended families work best where everyone accepts that it is a blended family, and does not try to pretend that step relationships are the same as blood relationships. Doesn't mean they can't develop into really really strong bonds, I have a closer relationship with my step sister than with one of my sisters, but that is due to our personalities.

All step family relationships give you is an opportunity to spend more time with certain people than you otherwise would. If this leads affection to develop, great. If it doesn't, no big deal.

Your dh married you. His family did not.

There's a big difference between a secret and a Christmas surprise.

I totally understand, however the babies' mother may have been through an ordeal with the birth and may be exhausted and may only want a small number of people to visit at this time, she may be overwhelmed with a house full of people and it the decision may not be against you or your son personally.

@ThatRubyMoose gently, there's so much projection going on in this post.
Your MIL is not your DD's GM.
Your DD is busy.

I just think that you are causing more harm than good.

My stepsons would not be in a card of grandkids for my parents. They aren’t my kids and my parents didn’t know them well. I see no problem either that bit. As for your DH going to see his brothers baby - I’d want my sisters to meet my kids before their spouses if possible. Couples aren’t connected at the hip and this is obviously an immediate family thing. I’m sure there will be other opportunities for you to meet the baby.

My stepmum’s parents didn’t treat me like their grandchild. They were polite and friendly, I probably got a small present at Christmas if I saw them but nothing like what they gave my siblings. It was fine. It doesn’t have to be all equal. I had my own grandparents. You can’t force it so the best you can do is make your child believe it’s not a big deal and she is loved.

Blood relative photo like this classic episode of Everybody Loves Raymond www.imdb.com/title/tt0574240/

The thing with blended families/step kids is that the children (step siblings & half siblings) have different combos of grandparents.

Your eldest child (theoretically, I realise some could be absent or deceased) has 4 bio grandparents, and the only two that match her half sibling’s bio grandparents are your mum and dad.

It’s lovely when ‘extras’ step up (eg with divorce so common nowadays each child could have 4 bio grandparents and 4 or more step grandparents!) but it’s absolutely impossible to enforce equal treatment of step and half siblings in all directions (ie it’s unlikely your youngest child will be spending time/receiving gifts from/being included in photos with your ex MIL/FIL!)

The ONLY person who should be compelled to treat both kids even handedly is YOU (and by extension, your parents, if living) because YOU are the relative BOTH kids share.

I know this can be hard, my eldest just received a fairly decent inheritance from relatives my youngest didn’t share, so I have tweaked my own will to mitigate this a little (and discussed the change with both kids so they know the change isn’t because I personally favour the youngest but because the eldest has received a financial head start that the youngest will not get an equivalent to because my daughter’s paternal grandparents are significantly less well off than my son’s).

Blended families have these differences baked in, it’s your job as the parent-in-common to help your kids understand that the differences do not mean that either child has more or less intrinsic value as a human being than their half sibling, that both are equally loved by you and that you’ll do what you can to ensure that neither child is disadvantaged by your decision to remarry/start a second family.

(It’s even more complicated when your second husband comes with a pre existing child and you have to factor your new stepchild/their mum/their grandparents into family schedules/decision making!)

Have you posted about your husband treating your kid like shit before?

Why are you on beyonce's internet moaning instead of in a divorce court??

Also disgusted by you lot in the comments justifying the mil excluding op's daughter. Disgusting attitude. Blood or not, that kid is her grandchild.

your child isn’t their relative. However much you want them to be they aren’t and can’t be and won’t ever be. She is your child and your child alone. Your husband and his siblings want to have some time to themselves and their children. That is perfectly reasonable

For all those saying it's acceptable as blood relatives only would it have been acceptable for my GPs to not have me in any family photos as an adopted child?

I doubt that your in-laws thought "Oh, she's out the way at a party, quick let's arrange something".

@Alittlefrustrated with this family that might be what they thought

I think it’s a shame to exclude your older child, but I have a blended family of my own so I’m probably biased. But you seem more put out about yourself being left out of meeting a week old baby. You’ll meet it soon, no biggie.

Sounds like on of those you problems.

No, she isn’t the MIL’s grandchild. Op’s husband and eldest don’t even consider themselves to be father and daughter, so I’m not sure why OP thinks her in laws need to act as grandparents.

Are you saying that this is a 'me problem'?

This is common sense. Youre a grandparent once your son marries a woman with a kid. You dont go excluding them. Disgusting and degenerative behaviour.

This is it. I cant believe the ridiculousness on mumsnet as of late, honestly