Brother-in-Law’s new baby

[ThatRubyMoose]

My eldest daughter (my husband’s stepdaughter)has a party this afternoon and husband has just announced that while we are at the party he and youngest are going round to his brother’s to meet the new baby.

His sisters will both be there but not with their husbands (but with a takeaway).

Photos will be taken for MiL’s Christmas card.

I am so upset that he doesn’t understand why I want to meet the baby and that yet again my eldest will be excluded.

He, once again has no empathy. Because his sisters’ husbands aren’t there he can’t understand why I am upset.

I am jealous! Have I a right to be.

Well thats your business tbh

That is completely different to this circumstance and you know it. This little girl was there before the other kids came along and has been raised alongside them

To exclude her and deny her as your own is fucking nasty and I judge anyone who thinks its fine

No it’s not.

A grandchild isn’t a child that’s parents marry in unless you decide to accept them as such. The only person that decided that child is family is the person who married them. They don’t make decisions for the entire family. Also as seen on here often the person marrying the mother doesn’t really see the child as family either more a something they have to accept to marry the women.

I cant be spending my evening arguing with people who think excluding a girl and her mum from family photos as she isnt biologically related, despite being raised alongside her younger siblings is fine and dandy 🙄🙄🙄

Yabu

Op, stand up and leave this shithead of a man. Choose your daughter and show her that noone has any business excluding her. I said this on your last thread. 🙄🙄

💐💐

People. Women mostly. Need to stop marrying men and expecting their families to pick up the pieces of their first failed shit head baby daddy.

I say that as a child with a shit head sperm donor.

My siblings family are nice and polite and gave gifts and such but they are not my family. What they did was because they wanted to. Not because me or my mother made demands and had expectations that even my donor didn’t bother to live up to. Blame the shit head daddies and his family who cnba not the people who are not even related to you. Expecting more of a new man’s family than your own child’s smh.

I agree that photo for Mil should be of her actual grandchildren. Your daughter has her own grandparents.

Agree!! Not a family I’d want to be part of. I’d prefer kind people with big hearts any day 🩷

Your eldest isn't a blood relative.
Shes your daughter and that's fine you have your opinions but don't dictate. Plus its siblings on. You're being weird and controlling. Don't let youngest miss out. That is her paternal grandmother. Not your eldest.

I agree. Being kind and inclusive doesn’t cost money.

OP you post versions of this over and over again.

The summer party where an in law tried to get a pic of your youngest with her cousins. The time your oldest had a hospital appointment and the in-laws got pizza and had relatives round while looking after your youngest.

You won't get any different answers this time.

While I can see this hurts you, I think you might just have to let it go.

I have DS who’s 7 and DH has been his dad since 6 months old. DH treats him the exact same as he treats his two previous children and our two joint children. But I do not mind in the least if his family want pictures of the children without DH. Should we ever divorce he has no legal ties to my son, though I doubt it would go that way even if we did split. I think you’ll drive yourself mad trying to control this.

Sadly based on previous threads, that’s exactly what’s happened.

This situation sounds like a horrendous combination of unkind, thoughtless stubborn in laws and a self absorbed mum who is completely stuck in casting herself and her daughter as victims, instead of coming to terms with and managing this difficult situation as gracefully as possible for her daughters sake.

She posts multiple threads where she’s upset about the latest thing they’ve done that excludes her and her daughter, and ignores all the advice anyone offers. It’s really sad. The in-laws aren’t very nice, but the older girl would be fine if her mum handled it better.

Round and around and around…

What’s a family? Everyone has their own definition. Nobody can include someone against their will, nobody can be obliged to include someone against their will. Just like nobody gets to tell you who your friends are.

Is it “nasty” behaviour for an adult to exclude a child from their definition of family? No, or maybe, or yes. Everyone will decide for themselves how much responsibility they want to take for any given child, depending on whatever factors they want to take into account.

The only thing that’s definite is that the main “loser” in this situation is the child in question. As I’ve said on every thread from this OP: she alone was responsible for bringing her daughter into this family. She CHOSE this family for her daughter. This family didn’t force the DH to marry her, DH didn’t frogmarch her down the aisle and forge her signature on the register: OP chose to marry him and into his family.

This is on OP and nobody else. The OP has brought this unto her daughter. Nobody else.

It does, and I wonder if they're not making each other worse. Whilst also having started at fairly extreme positions!

Thats good to hear, im glad! Im speaking as a woman myself and putting myself in the situation in comparison to how my husband is , when we have to do family stuff with my lot. Sorry I wasn't trying to speak on behalf of all women in the world. Apologies for this, but I dont think my opinion is completely out there!

Their position really isn’t extreme at all, or one that has ever changed. Even OP has said that they treat her daughter kindly, they just don’t consider her a grandchild because she isn’t one. Her own husband doesn’t consider her eldest his daughter, either.

That OP’s husband and her eldest don’t have a father and daughter relationship is apparently fine though, it’s just her in laws that she wants to hold to a completely different standard.

A lot of comments on this thread make me very happy that my in-laws have completely embraced my 2 older children despite them not being blood relatives. We are all family. My husband and I have since had a child together and our youngest is my in-laws only biological grandchild. Nothing has changed at all. They still refer to the children as “our grandson” and “our oldest/youngest granddaughter”. I accept that not everyone is as lucky as us but it’s a shame.

You have to read the previous threads, some of the details there are quite odd and stuck in my memory. Someone got the piss ripped for saying granny to the wrong person. Then you have OP who can't accept them making any distinction between DD1 and DD2 at all. These are not attitudes that are conducive to finding a middle ground.

I agree about the in laws vs DD bio family double standard. OP would do well to save more of her ire for DD1s paternal side.

If the in-laws and the daughter are not close, then I guess she doesn’t want to be in the photo either?

Wow. When sil and I got the dc together for a surprise pic for ils my dd was on it.
Bloody nasty not to imo.

I did. IIRC the cousins, who also had step and half siblings, didn’t take the piss, they were just confused as to what OP’s problem was with acknowledging the different family relationships.

It isn’t up to the in laws to find a ‘middle ground’, it’s on her to come to terms with the decisions she freely made. They were very clear regarding their stance from the beginning, same as her husband was. She could have walked away then, but instead she chose to accept it. She doesn’t now get to demand that the entire family change to suit her.

How many people could put their hand on their heart and say that they feel exactly the same way about their step-child as they do their own biological child?
I suspect (hope?) very few, if any. So why is it so unreasonable for grandparents (who had no say in who their child married first or second time around) to feel that their biological grandchildren are special? And want some pictures of their biological descendants?
Of COURSE, no one would expect step-children to be treated unkindly and at birthdays/Christmas should be included in gift-giving etc..
But I don't think it's unreasonable for inheritance and (some, not all) photos to be for "blood" family.

You're thinking of a different anecdote on the same thread. The one I'm talking about here didn't involve OP saying anything at all.

But yes, ultimately the only people who actually had any choice about creating this situation are OP and DH, neither of whom had any reason to believe DD1 would be treated the same as any other children, and DH doesn't appear unduly concerned. As OP has been told a lot of times now, either this is a deal breaker for you or it isn't. For as long as it isn't, the only agency she has here is whether to give her eldest a complex about it or not. The family that she married into are what they always were, and made no secret of.

I would say this sums it up

Is this the poster who also posted about the husband's family taking a theatre trip and going out for meals without her eldest daughter?

If so, tbh, I completely agree with you.

The wider family are being unnecessarily thoughtless about it but the OP has become so obsessed with every little thing her husband's family does/arranges that I don't think she has a handle on what is fair or reasonable anymore.

And, asuch as anything, everyone says the same on every thread and the OP does nothing to change it.