Boyfriend says I have fine hair … AIBU to be hurt?

[MorrisHer]

Been dating a man for about four months now and yesterday he was looking at my hair when we we out walking . I thought he was admiring it but I was clearly wrong as in the next breath he says something like “ Gosh your hair is so fine, you can see your scalp through it” then proceeded to tell me he went out with a woman with thick lush curly black hair right down to her backside.
My hair is naturally very fine but I’ve never really had any negative comments before and why would it be an issue anyway? We are more than just a head of hair which can be for the most part, dictated by genetics anyway …
it’s really hurt me probably more than it should and it keeps playing on my mind .. AIBU to let it bother me??
I’m also menopausal and having a tough time physically and emotionally and my hair is even thinner than usual as a result :(

You wouldn’t see someone saying they can see your scalp as a negative comment??

I’ve read two of your posts OP and that’s all I need to know to say this advice. Ditch. I have had an experience similar to this. It started with love bombing, then very quickly turned to negging until I felt as though I was completely worthless and pitied and ought to be grateful. He was openly eyeing up other women, groping me in public then negging. I feel sick writing this. He wouldn’t let me go without a fight though! I had to block him. I felt sick for months after. Please do yourself a favour and throw this one back.

This were my thoughts.

Add-on going on 'Always having a thing for redheads' to you when talking about a member of staff while out and yeah, he's either intentionally trying to make you insecure or entirely inconsiderate on how his running commentary could impact you.

You've only been seeing him four months - he should be making an effort to be considerate - saying he has a thing about redheads shows he is completely insensitive - and I think he was pushing your boundaries to see what you'll put up with. This alone is not great but he's making personal comments - why even bring up that your hair is fine? To top it off he compared you unfavourably with an ex. Just because you factually have fine hair - so what - it's the way he said it, to be negative and put you on the back foot. Massive red flag. Dump him now, you've only been seeing him four months - forget the absolute tosser and look after yourself. He'll only get worse.

Quite.

It amazes me what some women put up with in order to "have a boyfriend".

It's fine being single. Being with a man should bring only positives to your life. This man is making you feel bad about yourself, you don't need him. He should be praising you and thinking how lucky he is, not making hurtful personal comments.

If you stay you can only expect more of the same.

Hair is something we tend to be sensitive about. His comment was 100% unnecessary. And he hasn't know you long enough to be saying it in a way that shows concern. Is he like this a lot?

@MorrisHer Of course YANBU to be hurt OP. Just because it's factually correct doesn't mean there's any need to comment on it - I mean, those of us who have fine hair know we have fine hair because we're the ones trying to make something of it every sodding morning! He was "negging" - making negative comments about you just to pull you down. That's plain nasty, particularly when he immediately then regales you with tales of a former girlfriend's luscious locks - who the hell does that?!
A caring partner would want to make you feel good about yourself. He's showing his true nature after just four months OP and he's only going to get worse. Respectfully, I would suggest you message him today to dump him and then block him - leave him to figure out why. You deserve so much better! 💜

Goodness me, what will he be saying when he's not in the honeymoon dating period??

Four months, you say? Dump. I know this type of man, he sees women as things he can openly comment on and compare and which shouldn't answer back. He won't accept how dehumanising, hurtful and shit it is, he'll blame you and it's not worth it. I guarantee that Ms Gorgeous Hair heard shite about her skin or teeth or bum or something else, and if she was smart she dumped him, as should you.

I think he means sparse (versus thick), not fine (versus coarse)? The comparison to his ex isn't even relevant. But in any case, no one thinks "I can see your scalp through your hair" is a compliment!! And if he's commenting out of genuine concern for you, starting with "gosh" may not be the way to go.

I guess it's not negative and just factual in the way that "you're fat and your arse wobbles" wouldn't be negative, just factual?

I guarantee that Ms Gorgeous Hair heard shite about her skin or teeth or bum or something else, and if she was smart she dumped him, as should you

Absolutely. I bet she got different insults (oh sorry I mean, er "facts") about her appearance. It might have been her weight or her teeth or her height or her breast size etc

Two suggestions
Plantur shampoo, brilliant on my menopausal thinning hair.
LTB

He's testing the waters to see what you'll do, @MorrisHer He's looking to see where your boundaries are.

If he discovers that he can get away with insults like this, and they are insults, he'll escalate. They always do.

Please think long and hard about whether you want to give your time to someone like this.

Agreed. I would add another sentence to that, something along the lines of " I had an ex who had a huge one!"

Amen.

I’m surprised by people saying it’s just a fact. It’s not just a fact (I don’t know you, so for all I know he’s exaggerating anyway), but he’s comparing you unfavourably to other people. When he said he’s always had a thing for redheads you should have said “I’ve always had a thing for Terry Crews” or whoever his physical opposite is. I would move on, honestly.

No you can't - it's unkind and totally unnecessary at any stage of a relationship. (44 years with my DH and he would never say anything as mindless, hurtful and cruel as this to me.)

Oh it's intentional, he is seeing how much crap you'll put up with, he will be rubbing his hands together with glee with you. He wants to make you feel he is doing you a favour and so when he is being really awful you'll be so downtrodden that you will just put up with it. I would run away op.

Agree.

This ...the fact he thought it was his place to comment is proprietorial and unpleasant ...you are fair warned about him now

Right- why is this ok to say after 5 years and whats the point of saying it anyway?

Telling someone their hair is so thin you can see their scalp isnt like you can fix it the very next day- there could be all sorts of hormonal or medical reasons it's like that. People are aware of when their hair is thin - they dont need it pointed out to them FFS.

Telling someone their outfit doesnt suit them - fine, because they can get changed immediately, they may appreciate the feedback but commenting on hair loss is not fine because what if OP cant do anything about it? you've made her feel shit about something she cant change

Yeah, I think you're right. I don't even know a single bloke that would like to be told he was bald and that his new gf's ex had gorgeous thick hair.

He sounds like a real charmer. No idea why you’re still with him. Relationships are meant to add something positive to your life.

What’s the next thing he’s going to tell you is wrong with you do you think?! You’re worth more than this.

I think the hair comment by itself might have just been tactless.

The comparisons to other women's hair , and especially your follow up posts making it clear it's not just a one off... I would consider if you want to continue this relationship.