Boyfriend says I have fine hair … AIBU to be hurt?

[MorrisHer]

Been dating a man for about four months now and yesterday he was looking at my hair when we we out walking . I thought he was admiring it but I was clearly wrong as in the next breath he says something like “ Gosh your hair is so fine, you can see your scalp through it” then proceeded to tell me he went out with a woman with thick lush curly black hair right down to her backside.
My hair is naturally very fine but I’ve never really had any negative comments before and why would it be an issue anyway? We are more than just a head of hair which can be for the most part, dictated by genetics anyway …
it’s really hurt me probably more than it should and it keeps playing on my mind .. AIBU to let it bother me??
I’m also menopausal and having a tough time physically and emotionally and my hair is even thinner than usual as a result :(

He sounds like a complete prick trying to push your boundaries.

Is he really worth it?

Fuck me- dump this dickhead.

Triangulating you and negging you. What an arsehole.

He sounds like a bit of a Dick. Tell him hes being a dick.

I wouldnt be dating anyone whose old enough to be dating a menopausal woman who hasnt developed the emotional intelligence to understand why you wouldnt draw attention to something like this, and then double down by comparing you to an ex.
Im sure someone will come along and mention autism, and I get it, but then you need to make a decision if you'd want to put up with more of those kind of comments - personally, it doesnt matter why someone makes them, the impact on my self esteem wouldnt be worth it.

'Your hair is really fine' - could be neutral or even complimentary .

'Your hair is so fine I can see your scalp through it' - clearly non-complimentary.

Comparing with his ex who had thick, lush hair? Either deliberate negging or just too much of a twat to care or understand that men's job isn't to constantly pass judgment on women's appearance.

proceeded to tell me he went out with a woman with thick lush curly black hair right down to her backside.
He didn't mention that she had a pixie haircut and hadn't been for her monthly wax.

What on earth is ‘negging’?

The comment in the redhead wouldn’t bother me.

but commenting on your hair, it’s like commenting on someone’s fatness, you never ever comment on something negative, no matter how true, it’s seen as deeply hurtful to point it out. You can think it but not say it.

i suspect you’re not compatible, he seems tactless, and lacking thought, and you are maybe quite sensitive, ie the waitress comment, and the two of you probably don’t make a good pair.

I had an ex who would say things like this. Small comments, all ‘factual.’ Then I’d get, “woah! You’re sensitive about this!”

He was doing it to deliberately hurt me, I see that now. Somethings really don’t need saying and if they’re said, it’s generally not for any nice reason.

How much hair has he got?
I'd have been minded to point out that he is more likely to end up bald than you are.

With the other comment about having a thing for redheads, I don't think this one is a keeper. Neither is egregious in its own right, but is beginning to suggest a pattern of unkind, tactless digs that will accumulate with time. Rip the plaster off, get rid.

@IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour , putting someone down to make themselves look better.

negging

the practice of insulting or undermining someone in the belief that diminished self-confidence will make them more receptive to sexual advances:

What a stupid misogynistic disgusting comment. Why do men make these sort of comments and think it’s funny, on a mainly female site.

So what if it's true? Of course he shouldn't have said it, he knew damn well it wasn't going to make you feel good. Adults (should) have filters. Would it be ok if he said "Gosh your neck is quite wrinkly" or "your stomach is wobbly" or ""you have a lot of crows feet" - would it be ok to say all of this even if it were true?

I reckon this is a slippery slope. He doesn't care about your feelings.

Making deliberately negative comments to put someone down so you can feel above them or that they should feel lucky to have you. Or alternatively back handed compliments such as "wow- so brave of you to wear that outfit considering your figure, good for you!"- they can argue it's a compliment but it's clearly a put down in disguise.

Its a form of manipulation.

@TheRealGoose Why do you describe Mumsnet as feral?

Deliberate but sometimes subtle undermining of a partner or potential partner's confidence (comments about their looks or personality) to make them feel lesser, often to make them feel like they are lucky that you'd even consider dating them and to dissuade them from leaving /rejecting your advances by make them think that nobody else would want them.

I don’t think this is negging, I think it’s simply a lack of tact. He thought it, he said it.

Comparing her negatively to an ex-girlfriend? An absolute no. He's showing who he is, OP. Don't go further down this path.

I would absolutely see it as an insult - something said to undermine my confidence in myself.

He sounds like a right charmer OP - you can do so much better. If likes women with red hair then let him go and find one after you have binned him.

On its own maybe, but he also compared OP to his ex who had thick hair so it wasnt simply an innocent observation about her. Also, add to that as well the comments about how he has a thing for redheads when OP has brown hair? sorry thats textbook triangulation/negging. This shows a pattern not a one off comment.

He is not a decent man.

As soon as I read your post OP I was reminded of my first H.
I always had very fine hair. So his comment once was " If you had nice hair you would be really something".
That was many years ago and I've never forgotten it.
It was actually part of a pattern of negative things he said about me and positive admiring things he said about other women.
I didn't know the term negging in those days but I now recognise his behaviour as that.

My H's negative comments have stayed with me and affected my confidence. Don't let this guy do that to you.
OP. He is the problem, not you or your hair.

Why did he need to point it out?

It’s been 4 months, he openly makes comments about other women and compares you to his ex. Why the fuck are you still with him?

@Pleasealexa "Gosh your hair is really thinning, you"re almost bald" said nobody on a date."

Exactly. I can't believe so many posters wouldn't care about being told they're nearly bald, especially in the "honeymoon" period of a relationship. Then to follow it up with a rapturous account of a previous shag and her beautiful, luxuriant hair. Some posters must be bloody desperate for male company at any price.

I think Yabu as you admit you have fine hair. It was insensitive for him to bring it up in that way and compare you to his ex, but he wasn’t mistaken about saying you have fine hair in itself (ie the title of your thread).