Boyfriend says I have fine hair … AIBU to be hurt?

[MorrisHer]

Been dating a man for about four months now and yesterday he was looking at my hair when we we out walking . I thought he was admiring it but I was clearly wrong as in the next breath he says something like “ Gosh your hair is so fine, you can see your scalp through it” then proceeded to tell me he went out with a woman with thick lush curly black hair right down to her backside.
My hair is naturally very fine but I’ve never really had any negative comments before and why would it be an issue anyway? We are more than just a head of hair which can be for the most part, dictated by genetics anyway …
it’s really hurt me probably more than it should and it keeps playing on my mind .. AIBU to let it bother me??
I’m also menopausal and having a tough time physically and emotionally and my hair is even thinner than usual as a result :(

💯

Los people saying ‘it’s factual sure he didn’t intend to hurt’ are forgetting what he followed up with 🙄.
Also, there’s many factual things about people but adults should have a filter and not point them out. It being ‘factual’ is neither here nor there lol. That’s why responsible parents try to reign in children’s responses to teach social etiquette like not staring, pointing - or loudly declaring ‘gosh mommy, that lady looks bald!’. Now that’s excusable and no malice would have been meant but what reason does an adult have to point out things he clearly deems a flaw?!

@MorrisHer Agree with those saying to throw this one back. I couldn’t be dealing with such a person and that doesn’t even include the later comments you said he made!

It’s not the comment about fine hair that would annoy me, it’s the comment about how lovely his previous girlfriend’s hair.

This is so naive.

Those things he said are literally textbook negging tactics that men are advised to say to women for this purpose.

I propose OP gives him some unpleasant "facts" about himself and sees what his reaction is. Comment on his tiny penis and lets see if he feels its just a straightforward statement said without rude intention.

My guess is he wont like it one bit.

Followed by "I had an ex who had a really big one".

Off you fuck 👋

No, it's not people's job to manage your rudeness and hurtfulness for you. You're offended by this suggestion but you think prople shouldn't be offended when you insult them?

Also adding "my ex's was so thick"

🤣 could be that too. I didn’t go straight to that, because on reading the OP it struck me that it is the sort of observation that an autistic person could make - but yes, he could simply be, as you said, ‘a tit’.

Fuck that, he’s a bad egg OP

with regards to your hair, if you want to there’s loads you can do. scalp massage, minoxidil, clip in fringes and hair toppers, hrt if you’re allowed/want to, lazer hair band... I’m saying this as somebody who has suffered with hair loss for various reasons and recently had chemo. If you feel self conscious it might be worth playing around with this stuff and you might start spotting that other people are actually wearing various forms of extensions and so on.

I agree. If you are going to be rude to people you want to date then expect them to dump you. Yes, you have the right to say what you want but equally, people also have the right to bin you off for being an insensitive jerk.

Noone has got time for this kind of insulting nonsense when you first start dating someone. If you are literally insulting people then thats on you and you should expect to reap the consequences which will be Saturday night in alone with only your hand for company. 🤷‍♀️

Eh!? I am not offended 🤣 I was merely putting forward an alternative idea.

Raise your bar. Why would you be ok with someone making an insulting comment? Even if it is 'just factual' why bother pointing it out?

How is his male pattern baldness doing?

The reference to a previous partner was dreadful.

Tell him how out of order he was.

Very tactless, OP. No one wants to hear comments about their appearance that aren't complimentary and if he doesn't realise that, he's quite lacking in social intelligence.
If you plan to stay with him, you'll have to develop a thick skin as there's more where that came from and he's probably the type to use the 'it's just the truth' defence when tackled on the subject.

I'll never cease to be amazed at all the ways there are to market getting women to put up with shitty behaviour. Now they should work on not being offended when men insult them because it's alternative thinking.

Of course it's not OK, especially in comparison with an ex and at a point in the relationship when he should think you're Kiera Knightleys more beautiful sister.

In the last month I've lost half my hair due to serious illness in the summer. My DH of many years tells me every day that he thinks I'm beautiful, always has and always will. When you feel like a fat version of Gollum, it does help. Don't settle for someone who undermines you OP, it won't get better.

I don’t need to raise my bar thank you! We all have our own perception of what’s insulting. I don’t think he meant it as an insult. Tactless yes, insulting no.

I mean, it's quite something isn't it. Man is egregiously rude and hurtful to his girlfriend, telling her how his ex was better, and some bright spark not only expects us to believe he wasn't trying to make her feel bad, but also thinks the answer is for the woman to work on herself. It would be alternative.

OP, get yourself on Burned Haystacks Dating Method (BHDM) for women. I'm betting this guy wouldn't get past the initial screen for the red flags. He's a thoughtless at best, negging at worst, idiot.

In mid-life we all need kindness and tact, men and women alike. Our bodies are a bit wrinkly, saggy and just not quite what we would hope, and accepting that and championing our best bits is what mid-life dating should be all about. If my partner said this I would be crestfallen indeed, but my guess is this is part of a wider pattern of him not treating you amazingly well and bigging you up in general. He obviously doesn't care about losing you either...

Yes it would be funny if it weren’t so depressing 🙄

He sounds like an arsehole. Next!

My hair is very fine. It is what it is, and no more ‘insulting’ to state this as fact, than it would be to observe I am short, or I have no eyebrows. We have a choice to be offended, or not, and it is all about context. We are all different, and the apparent lack of awareness regarding neurodivergence, as discrete from being deliberately judgemental and rude, is telling. It is also entertaining that some folk get their knickers in a knot when others merely suggest an alternative way of looking at things.

Exactly - its the comparison that is the issue. Not the initial comment.

Sounds like my post got to you. You should work on yourself. It would be very alternative of you to let me carry on telling you all the other things I get from your posts that I've not actually mentioned without any kind of reaction like this that shows how stung you are. Shall I?

Men are usually pretty sensitive about hair and hair loss, so I would be surprised if he was just being factual and was unaware that his comments were hurtful. The fact that he's said similar before does sound like it could be deliberate. TBH it would be a massive turn off to me.

I had a female friend who did this to me years ago, starting very occasionally and building up to a couple of times a week. It was demoralising and bewildering that someone who supposed to care about me would do his. I can imagine that coming from your partner it must be horrible.