To not want DH to play video games with our kids in the morning? Or talk to me like this?

[Videooooo]

DH is addicted to video games. He has recently been made redundant from his v well-paid professional job, so he spends half of the day playing PC games. During the work day, in the evening (after the kids have gone to bed), and if he’s up before everybody in the morning. He’s depressed about his job, but the video game addiction isn’t new - he has been since I met him.

He will deprive himself of sleep to play.

He also has ADHD, as does one of our children.

I hate video games. I think they’re a waste of a life. So I know I come at this in a not-sympathetic light.

We have two DSs (age 8 and 11) and they are allowed to play games on Mondays and Wednesday nights. These are their “game night” (weekends too awkward as it got in the way of plans).DS (age 8) also has ADHD and is obsessed with games. He talks about nothing else. He begs and begs for screen time. He spends his time trying to manufacture situations where he gets it. (He also gets an hour of TV a day that usually turns into longer as we often watch the Traitors etc together in the evening as well).

DH enjoys playing PC games while our kids watch him. Everyone knows I hate this. DH refuses to stop doing it.

This morning, they got up at 7:30am and went down to play and then, at 9am, I said several times (at first nicely) “time to stop now”.

Eventually, they stopped. Then DS (age 8) had a fit about going to football for his usual 10am class. Refused to go; threw things around, and I said “this is made worse by morning gaming”. And DH called me “fucking pious” and told me I was “ruining the morning” IN FRONT OF our children.

DS (8) does whine about football every single weekend and then loves it when he’s there.

But AIBU that video games in the morning are bad for them?

I know I’m not being unreasonable that he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that in front of the children. I know he’ll apologise later and I know it’s because he’s upset about work and feeling guilty for constantly gaming. But it makes me hate him.

Just let them play them. By being so restrictive you are making it worse.

Why did you need to control the situation why do you get to decide?

If I let them play, they’d never stop. DH has no off switch, and neither do the children because they’re children. They could all sit there for four or five hours before they’d notice.

Because DH can’t control it himself becuase - as he admits - it gives him easy dopamine. If he plays at night, he’ll be up until 1am before he notices and then will be tired and irritable all day the next day.

So if I didn’t say - gently at first at 9 - “time to stop now”, they just wouldn’t stop.

And also - I think sitting on a screen the moment you wake up is a terrible habit to teach the children!

This you sound controlling. There must be a happy medium. It's Saturday.

Your DH needs a gaming schedule, and to do other things with the kids. There has to be a sensible compromise in there. Is there a game they could.pkau together for a set amount of time on a Saturday morning? Not them watching your DH, but them playing together/ taking turns if needs be. 7:30-9am dad/ kids gaming time. With a hard stop. Does your DH take your 8-year-old to football? I would be asking him to do that - have a proper schedules break for both of them.

Is he medicated for his ADHD? Is he getting any support post redundancy for his MH? Because if not, this will become harder to break out of.

YANBU for being upset at the undermining and rudeness. But there needs to be a plan that works.

I am completely with you Op. Screen and game addiction are a serious public health crisis, particularly in children, and your husband is being neglectful. These devices and games are persuasively designed. There is evidence to suggest that the effect on the brain is similar to that of drug addiction eg

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25864599

Personally I would feel like I was married to a pathetic manchild and would get the “ick” as they say on here.

So what, what else do they need to be going on a weekend? Let the kid stop football if he doesn't want to go.

You need to try and have this conversation when he isn't gaming. Its like trying to tell someone to stop taking heroin when they've just stuck the needle in their arm - the chemicals are surging, they physically CANNOT listen to you.

Maybe you need to pull back for a weekend, don't do anything for anyone, and let Mr Sad Sack "parent " his kids by himself. If they spend all one weekend gaming, they'll feel shit by Sunday night, and you can use it as a lesson.

I'd throw the controller out of the window, but im quite low-tolerance when it comes to gaming.

When he apologises I think you need a frank discussion. From your perspective his addiction to video gaming is ruining family life and your relationship. Can he come up with boundaries both for himself and the kids. And I would tell him that if you split up you'd be worried that all he would do with them is game and is that really the life he wants for himself and his sons?

Ha so would I 🤣

It’ll be a deep dive, but you’ll find a wealth of information here.

https://youtube.com/@healthygamergg?si=FepE7XlbobJnEw3D

He needs to take some responsibility. Agree you’ll set a timer with a 10 min and 5 min warning and he will adhere to / enforce it with the kids

or would he genuinely like them to go for 5 hours?

It seems like they don’t get enough time to do something they enjoy.

Imagine someone telling you stop doing something you enjoy to attend something you don’t like.

How much do you know about ADHD? and how to support people with it? Are you getting any support yourself?

Why did you marry and gave kids with someone who loves something you hate so much?

I really agree with this. My kids can't handle unboundaried screen time. It's a nightmare to get them off and then their behaviour is horrific afterwards. If they know in advance they have X amount of time or are going to watch Y programme and then TV goes off, they handle it much better.

You’re fundamentally incompatible with your husband.

His lifestyle and choices will rub off on your children.

I think interrupting and more to the point, criticising, an activity your dh and kids had initiated together at the time it was happening was going to make them all, especially DH, defensive and cross. And doubtless all the more so because DH knew you were right.

Surely much better for you and dh to go "offline" and clearly agree timings for Saturday mornings, given there is a fixture at 10, so dressed, breakfast, kit ready etc on a pre-agreed rhythm. Set these expectations out clearly and JOINTLY ie with dh clearly signed up. "We aren't arguing about it, the game will be here later, it's 8.30 now so time for x".

Repetition and consistency. It's not just the kids it's helpful for. But "negotiating" when there are fixed tasks like "get to football" is a massive waste of energy and good will all round.

However you absolutely need your dh to agree this is what is going to happen, and also agree that he will respond positively to your prompts when he is getting carried away. Otherwise he is basically sabotaging family life. He must not undermine his own agreement, and if he doesn't value his own word you have a bigger problem.

I don't have fixed views about healthy duration of screen time, but sounds as though that could do with being scheduled in so all these little addicts (dh included ) can relax knowing their fix is on its way.

This!….. One of the first pieces of advice I give when people ask me about marriage is to make sure both partners’ interests align. If one person enjoys something the other doesn’t, it can eventually lead to tension and conflict

So?

My husband plays video games for an hour or two every day when he gets home from work, it’s how he likes to unwind.
Likewise I go for a walk or go to the gym which he’d hate to do but respects that my way to unwind.
I wouldn’t ever tell him he can’t nor would he tell me that as we are adults and are able to decide our own pass times.

As for the children I don’t rigidly dictate how they spend their time either but if they were enjoying doing something with Dh absolutely no way would I wade in and put a stop to their fun just because I said so.
Your Dh is their parent too and they’re happily spending time together so butt out.
I’m afraid I would have called you much worse and can feel his frustration and claustrophobia.

Or when one person is an addict, putting their needs first?

Try getting them to play games where they need to be up and active and moving around rather than sat at a PC not moving. Cutting out games entirely isn't going to happen really so it's better to find a compromise.

The switch has lots of great sports games they can play together that will get them on their feet.

The exercise will help with regulation as they will be getting endorphins from that as well as the "easy dopamine" and it's a thing you can all do as a family having fun together instead of an me Vs them thing. Getting physically tired also provides an external stopping point that the child can feel rather than an external one that feels arbitrary.

Mario Party, Switch Sports, Ring Fit Adventure, Just Dance, and Fitness Boxing.

I can't believe how many people think you are being controlling and unreasonable! I'm with you OP. We all know how addictive gaming is and how bad it is for children, and there need to be boundaries in place. It's no screens here until activities/school/homework is done or I know they'll never switch them off. If your husband wants to game his life away, let him be, but your children? Definitely control that!

He may love gaming but he's setting a poor example to your DC especially your DS. If he really feels guilty he needs to stop making gaming so important