To not want DH to play video games with our kids in the morning? Or talk to me like this?

[Videooooo]

DH is addicted to video games. He has recently been made redundant from his v well-paid professional job, so he spends half of the day playing PC games. During the work day, in the evening (after the kids have gone to bed), and if he’s up before everybody in the morning. He’s depressed about his job, but the video game addiction isn’t new - he has been since I met him.

He will deprive himself of sleep to play.

He also has ADHD, as does one of our children.

I hate video games. I think they’re a waste of a life. So I know I come at this in a not-sympathetic light.

We have two DSs (age 8 and 11) and they are allowed to play games on Mondays and Wednesday nights. These are their “game night” (weekends too awkward as it got in the way of plans).DS (age 8) also has ADHD and is obsessed with games. He talks about nothing else. He begs and begs for screen time. He spends his time trying to manufacture situations where he gets it. (He also gets an hour of TV a day that usually turns into longer as we often watch the Traitors etc together in the evening as well).

DH enjoys playing PC games while our kids watch him. Everyone knows I hate this. DH refuses to stop doing it.

This morning, they got up at 7:30am and went down to play and then, at 9am, I said several times (at first nicely) “time to stop now”.

Eventually, they stopped. Then DS (age 8) had a fit about going to football for his usual 10am class. Refused to go; threw things around, and I said “this is made worse by morning gaming”. And DH called me “fucking pious” and told me I was “ruining the morning” IN FRONT OF our children.

DS (8) does whine about football every single weekend and then loves it when he’s there.

But AIBU that video games in the morning are bad for them?

I know I’m not being unreasonable that he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that in front of the children. I know he’ll apologise later and I know it’s because he’s upset about work and feeling guilty for constantly gaming. But it makes me hate him.

Wow, im genuinely shocked on a parenting website why people are asking why you need to try and control screen time and saying if you make it restrictive it makes it worse.

You wouldnt let your child gorge themselves on chocolate as much as they wanted, because not every child will stop at one bar, and some kids will gorge themselves until they have no room for other food, be on a sugar high/crash cycle and have long term teeth issues.... similar to screen time. There's so much research on how some kids cant self regulate and the long term negative effects! Yes, they are great - but each child reacts differently and therefore needs different oversight - honestly, the fact people still dont get this... its not a 'no, never' its 'my child's behaviour and long term functioning tanks so I have to control it'

Am I reading a different thread?

I’m far too lax about screen time but even I think these responses are bonkers.

They aren’t even playing together - the kids are watching the dad play. That’s just lazy parenting!

OP isn’t being controlling - she’s being a parent.

Is this a joke? Have you not done any research on the impact of screens on kids at all? Maybe you and your children are fine doing this (great!) but not everyone is, everyone knows about this and there's lots of research on it, so why would you pretend otherwise?

Its amazing when men demand something it is considered controlling when women do it is called parenting

Having a normal discussion about something ypu disagree is normal walking into a room and demanding something is controlling

So dh is using continual gaming to cheer himself up as he lost his job and now the kids are getting drawn in too.

My first question is.. Whats he doing to get another job. He can just sit around using Wi-Fi hes not paid for (youre presumably propping things up wirh your wages) and wallow in feeling sad. If he’s making an effort fine. The effort should be for hours a day. Not ten mins twice a week or somwthimg.

Kids need exercise. Especially ones with adhd etc. And football is a team sport so if they don’t bother thwir arse showing up when expected it lets others down. Not what I’d want my child to be thinking it’s ok to do.

DH should not have spoken to you like that in front of dc. Apologies dont make up for it. The seed is sown.
However when he does apologise privately to you later, I’d ask for him to explain to dc that he got over excited by the game and snapped at mummy and he shouldn’t have and that he has apologised to mummy and it won’t happen again. And that’s why we all need to limit our game play. It gets in the way of real life and gets us hyped up.

You could possibly agree with dh to make more (scheduled and on a timer) game time but I’d suggest it needs balanced wirh other daddy dc stuff.
Eg if you want to play with dc for an hour at x time (when dc have no events planned/paid for then or afterwards) I’d suggest it’s fine, we both have a day in this, but you also have to think about thwir wellbeing and health eg go to the park for an hour as sitting still isn’t good for us and adhd kids need a lot of exercise etc. And see how it works.

Children need boundaries. Like alcohol, gaming addiction is serious. If he can’t control himself he needs help. Also are you sure he isn’t working full time because he actually wants time to play games?

A friend’s husband got himself fired so he could stay at home and ‘look for work’ aka gaming. She left him and 15 years later he is gaming 16 hours a game and still doesn’t work and lives in his mum’s house. She is so glad she got divorced!

Typo Say in this not day in this.

Because OP appears to be the only adult in the room

I’m staggered that “parenting” = controlling. Frankly when kids are little that is true - because boundaries have to be set and enforced. And I wonder if watching an adult playing games is complying with age restrictions - I mean, are they watching a U rated gameplay? I very much doubt it.

I have 2 children. One has suspected ADHD and Autism. The other they suspect also has ADHD. TV / screen in the morning make their lives so much more difficult. They get overstimulated and more impulsive. They find it more difficult to focus and regulate. It's literally setting them up to fail. My kids are absolutely more reactive, dysregulated and impulsive after playing computer. They are not allowed computers on school nights at all. We have no screens after 6.30 on a week day. They do crafts in the evening and write in their diaries about their day before bath and bed.

When you’ve got children with a man-child who has minimal control over his own behaviour, and isn’t willing to actually parent, I can imagine you end up seeming like you’re trying to control things. In desperation to raise kids who aren’t losers like their dad.

Leave.

Switch the wifi off between say 10pm and 8am. Only you have the password

I also agree that video games are a waste of time

Not in my case. I've been with my DH for 15 years and has never been an issue that our interests don't align. I don't 'get' his hobbies, and he doesn't 'get' mine (well, I don't really have one, I'm just a busy mum!). But I appreciate he has hobbies that make him happy (and maybe worth noting, he is neurodivergent. I think they often need an outlet away from everyday life). I won't get in the way of that. He makes sure it doesn't ever conflict with family life though. One of his hobbies is outside the home and he will always check with me first, as his son and I come first to him.

Thank you all! Reading everything.

Just to answer a few questions:

DH is medicated for his ADHD. But, he says, sometimes the medication makes him focus on the games even more!

I do understand ADHD pretty well. I work with SEN kids, which is something I went into after my eight-year-old was little and it was clear he was neurodivergent so I got very interested in learning more.

Why did I marry someone who loved something I hated? We’ve been together for 20 years, since our early-20s. I thought he’d probably grow out of it. He didn’t, but for a long stretch he didn’t have a game device (ie: a PC) and it got a lot better. He got a PC again about two years ago for work, and it got bad again, and now he’s been made redundant and depressed and worried about money and his career, it’s really bad.

I truly believe these games are harmful and addictive. I know others say I should let them have fun and spend longer, but even DH agrees he would be sad for our children if they grew up and played as much as he does right now. And my worry is, I think he normalises that amount of video game play for them.

You sound like a really good Mum. Keep it up! Its a battle but you have to keep fighting to balance it out, for the sake of your kids wellbeing 💛

Games a definately harmful and addictive, like everything, all in moderation (were possible!)

Your husbands addiction and the kids playing on a Saturday morning are two very different things. My kids play fifa with my dh if they get up early, but invariably life stuff gets going by 9 so it's never more than an hour and they have a lot of fun. Not my thing at all but they enjoy it and its nice for them to do together. From the ADHD side of things, with time blindness and the hit from playing computer games I can completely see how it could become too much. Work with him, talk about how to put limits on it if it is impacting family life.

Who is doing the tidying and cleaning while this is happening?

Oh dear. 😅

The so is to the kids using screens

I would go fucking crazy @Videooooo

I don’t think you are being controlling I think you are being quite restrained.

H needs a job and escaping into video games isn’t going to get him one, that’s where I would start. I honestly would get to a point that excuses would wash over me, insults, arguing back, would all wash over me and it would get back down to the absolute basics of being a grown man, father and husband.

Look for work
Support the house with all domestic tasks, admin, school stuff whilst at home.
Put in the proper work for his depression, medication, exercise, food, sleep, alcohol, screen time.
And put what the children need, not necessarily want, first and foremost.

After all thy is was accomplished then game time sure, just like many watch tv or read to unwind in the evening.

I would tell him he is acting like a pathetic excuse of a husband and dad.

The kids should be participating in the tidying and cleaning! If their parents want them to grow up, leave home, and have sucessful relationships of their own they should anyway.

I don't actually think you're being unreasonable and I think all addictions should be dealt with and approached as a negative, especially if they're starting to rub off on kids.

However I do have a question as an avid gamer myself who is also married to a gamer - why the fuck did you marry him and have kids with him if you knew this was his "thing" and you hate it so much? That's so bizarre to me. It's like a teetotaller marrying an alcoholic, I just don't understand why you'd do it if you knew this was a problem right from the start?

He’s been addicted to video games since you met him….what did you envisage for the future?