To not want DH to play video games with our kids in the morning? Or talk to me like this?

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DH is addicted to video games. He has recently been made redundant from his v well-paid professional job, so he spends half of the day playing PC games. During the work day, in the evening (after the kids have gone to bed), and if he’s up before everybody in the morning. He’s depressed about his job, but the video game addiction isn’t new - he has been since I met him.

He will deprive himself of sleep to play.

He also has ADHD, as does one of our children.

I hate video games. I think they’re a waste of a life. So I know I come at this in a not-sympathetic light.

We have two DSs (age 8 and 11) and they are allowed to play games on Mondays and Wednesday nights. These are their “game night” (weekends too awkward as it got in the way of plans).DS (age 8) also has ADHD and is obsessed with games. He talks about nothing else. He begs and begs for screen time. He spends his time trying to manufacture situations where he gets it. (He also gets an hour of TV a day that usually turns into longer as we often watch the Traitors etc together in the evening as well).

DH enjoys playing PC games while our kids watch him. Everyone knows I hate this. DH refuses to stop doing it.

This morning, they got up at 7:30am and went down to play and then, at 9am, I said several times (at first nicely) “time to stop now”.

Eventually, they stopped. Then DS (age 8) had a fit about going to football for his usual 10am class. Refused to go; threw things around, and I said “this is made worse by morning gaming”. And DH called me “fucking pious” and told me I was “ruining the morning” IN FRONT OF our children.

DS (8) does whine about football every single weekend and then loves it when he’s there.

But AIBU that video games in the morning are bad for them?

I know I’m not being unreasonable that he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that in front of the children. I know he’ll apologise later and I know it’s because he’s upset about work and feeling guilty for constantly gaming. But it makes me hate him.

If they spend all one weekend gaming, they'll feel shit by Sunday night, and you can use it as a lesson.

From someone who enjoys gaming, this take is hilarious. If you are a keen gamer, playing all weekend would be a massive treat, not a punishment. I really wouldn't advise that you take that approach.

PS I game online with my now adult kids who live 1.5hours + away from me as a way of keeping in contact. Gaming is no different from any other exciting activity/hobby - sensible in moderation but need to strike a balance. It's not inherently any less worthy than any other hobby or leisure activity such as watching trashy TV such as reality programmes that people are glued to.

What a load of tosh!! It’s lazy, do something with them, they are not interacting, they are staring at a screen! Interacting is talking, take them for a walk or kick about in the park … no, that’s too much like hard work!!!

Your husband is enabling the kids' addiction. Until you get him on your side to set boundaries its only gonna get worse. Kids will side with him because its convenient for them and you will be some kind of villain.

I feel like you’ve never played a video game with kids. It’s very interactive. It’s absolutely not lazy at all.

I’ve played it … it is not the same as spending proper time with them. Yes, it’s lazy. Sat on a sofa not moving, no exercise and no fresh air. Get up and go out!! Get away from the screen, it’s not good for them or you!

Ohh God this reminds me of my ex. I once threw the entire playstation out the back door!

He needs to be a parent, full stop.

Gaming absolutely enriches my kids. It gives them additional social contact when they play online with friends at times they can’t be together physically. They’re fit and healthy, nowhere near obese.

It’s like you somehow swallowed some tabloid cod-science and actually believed it.

We do that stuff too. What IS lazy is your imagination of what gaming is. Our family has whole online worlds we play in together, as a family, collaboratively, creatively. In one room together.

Great post. Why is gaming seen as so terrible?

Its just another pastime. It’s Luddism

Esports is a $2bn a year industry … there are a wealth of career opportunities - not just playing, but all the other roles you wouid expect in an industry. Rather than discouraging, you should be encouraging, and learning .. find games that teach programming, look for local clubs, look for career opportunities.

If you get a job, doing something you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

No, you don’t want to believe it as it suits your narrative … keep telling yourself it’s good for them! It isn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok 🤣 Watching TV is in one room together … staring at a screen not speaking 🤷🏻‍♀️ It IS lazy parenting and you can dress it up however you like to suit your narrative, but ultimately that’s what it is. Try some other activities … do they do LEGO, play pool or snooker or is all that done on a screen?!?!

You're being ridiculous. Why on earth would playing computer games together mean staring at a screen and not speaking? It doesn't! Maybe it did when you were playing Horace goes skiing on the spectrum zx81 in the 80s but now video games are creative and thought provoking and can be joint ventures. OF COURSE nobody is promoting playing video games as an alternative to ever doing anything else. You're just making it a binary thing for the sake of an argy-bargy and it's quite tiresome.

in exchange for gaming? What a complete waste of time for all concerned.

Gaming in exchange for sport? Being with people your own age as part of a team?

As I said:

OF COURSE nobody is promoting playing video games as an alternative to ever doing anything else.

(As an aside, 'sport' in these parts is pretty toxically competitive and might be physically healthy but is otherwise not without flaws as a pastime, but that's not the point because it doesn't have to be either/or).

I'm totally with you OP. I have three kids and my son is 9 so similar age to yours. He has undiagnosed but suspected ADHD and my middle son may also (5). I learnt from a very early age that screens and games had a terrible effect on him. Once he was on it he was unable to get off. It's all he talked about all day.
Even if I limited the time to one hour in the evening, he would think about that hour all day. What upset me most about gaming wasn't the gaming time itself (as you can restrict that and ensure they do other things) its that it sucked the life and joy out of everything else.
A friend's kids game a lot and they no longer enjoy board games and sports clubs are a chore. My brother is 43 and totally addicted too so I've seen the effect it can have on adults too.

Anyway the console was swiftly removed. He now gets an hour and a half of Minecraft once a week on my husband's tablet, but it's relaxing, its on creative and doesn't hype him up. No other consoles. He throws his energy into sport and reading. He genuinely has no time for gaming in between playing with his siblings, sport, homework, reading, Lego etc, and he is genuinely the happiest kid. People can tell me now much it enriches their kids lives all they like, but all I see is families having screen battles everywhere I look.
You need to have a serious chat with your DH and come up with an agreed timetable of when it's ok for them to use it. Maybe suggest a break from it for a period of time to see if it improves your DS behaviour and your DH might be persuaded that it's harmful when he sees the difference with his own eyes!

This link below is a NIH Abstract, based upon the correlation of gaming addiction and those with ADHD diagnosed from 2019, which the percentage of those affected has likely grown if they ever revisited it currently. OP was aware of the situation upon her initial meeting, but the dye was cast and cannot be changed with the DH, and likely not DS either. Men are typically thrust into a provider role, and upon being considered redundant, it has emasculated him since it's likely not happened before. An actual attempt at counselling would be a great start for both, outside of a medication route. "Fight the disease, not the resources" is what needs to be looked at instead of victim blaming. Coping mechanisms need to be developed for DS before it gets too far down the hill, and DH needs to regain their masculine provider role. It's not going to be an easy road and there's always separation, but it's not trying to make the situation adaptable. If someone gets sick with a debilitating illness, you wouldn't ignore it but try to treat it. ADHD is treatable and therein lies an opportunity to help both, since it is hereditary - help DS especially if they plan on having children, as it doesn't seem like DH had to been able to adapt a healthier lifestyle when they were younger - something they can both learn together and hopefully grow a closer bond with their shared disorder.

Video game addiction, ADHD symptomatology, and video game reinforcement

Unfortunately you are tiresome …. If you would rather stick your kids in front of a screen, just own it!

Find a sport that isn’t then if that’s your excuse!! I’m sure not everything is “toxic” in your area! Another ridiculous excuse.

OP, you are doing your best but this man is dragging you and your children down.

Verbally abusing you in front of the children is completely unacceptable.

Do you really want to be married to him?
He sounds awful.

Excuse for what?? As I keep saying, it doesn't have to be either/or.

As it happens I have no particular skin in this game, I just hate the simplistic "video games bad" schtick. But I suppose none of this argument helps the OP with her husband except that a less black and white approach to video games might make her argument stronger.

Well I wouldn’t let my child watch those trashy TV programmes either but there you go.

Is the medium the problem ? If everyone was staring at some rectangles of paper instead of glass, would that be more worthy in your strange victorian worldview ?

For how long? Under what circumstances? In lieu of sports/reading/homework? My DD was a screen enthusiast from day 1 and would have watched TV 24/7 if allowed. ExDP faffed around on his iPad for hours at a time. I used to wonder how far it would travel if used as a discus. Screens are addictive.