To not want DH to play video games with our kids in the morning? Or talk to me like this?

[Videooooo]

DH is addicted to video games. He has recently been made redundant from his v well-paid professional job, so he spends half of the day playing PC games. During the work day, in the evening (after the kids have gone to bed), and if he’s up before everybody in the morning. He’s depressed about his job, but the video game addiction isn’t new - he has been since I met him.

He will deprive himself of sleep to play.

He also has ADHD, as does one of our children.

I hate video games. I think they’re a waste of a life. So I know I come at this in a not-sympathetic light.

We have two DSs (age 8 and 11) and they are allowed to play games on Mondays and Wednesday nights. These are their “game night” (weekends too awkward as it got in the way of plans).DS (age 8) also has ADHD and is obsessed with games. He talks about nothing else. He begs and begs for screen time. He spends his time trying to manufacture situations where he gets it. (He also gets an hour of TV a day that usually turns into longer as we often watch the Traitors etc together in the evening as well).

DH enjoys playing PC games while our kids watch him. Everyone knows I hate this. DH refuses to stop doing it.

This morning, they got up at 7:30am and went down to play and then, at 9am, I said several times (at first nicely) “time to stop now”.

Eventually, they stopped. Then DS (age 8) had a fit about going to football for his usual 10am class. Refused to go; threw things around, and I said “this is made worse by morning gaming”. And DH called me “fucking pious” and told me I was “ruining the morning” IN FRONT OF our children.

DS (8) does whine about football every single weekend and then loves it when he’s there.

But AIBU that video games in the morning are bad for them?

I know I’m not being unreasonable that he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that in front of the children. I know he’ll apologise later and I know it’s because he’s upset about work and feeling guilty for constantly gaming. But it makes me hate him.

Some weird answers on here.

Of course you shouldn’t just let the kids game all the time. Of course you should limit screen time and get them doing outdoor hobbies like playing football.

Some people just like to have a go at any OP.

I think that your rules over screen time are a bit stricter than I would have. But, I think you need to have a very firm discussion about the way you talk to each other in front of the children. I might be telling him that the next time he called you ‘fucking’ anything in front of them, he would need to be using his PC to find himself a divorce lawyer. There are no possible circumstances where name calling is acceptable, especially not in front of the children.

I’d also be reminding him that he has agreed that he would be sad for them if they grew up to play as much as he does. Tell him that his habits are not conducive to a happy marriage and that you’re trying to give them a chance at a reasonably structured life, with activities as well as gaming. And it’s his responsibility as their father to make sure they have a balanced upbringing. Ask him if he wants to fail at parenting as well as at being a husband.

I’m sorry OP but I think you are being massively unreasonable here. You don’t like gaming therefore you’re never going to be supportive of it. Firstly I think it’s odd that you married someone who has a hobby that you hate. Secondly it’s hugely controlling to for you to decide how everyone gets to spend their weekend. I’m not saying it’s healthy to spend all day in front of a screen but what’s the actual harm in getting up at 7:30 and playing games for a couple of hours? Surely that’s one of the best times to be playing, what else is likely to be planned at that time in the morning?! You wouldn’t have an issue if they were getting up and reading for two hours. You say it’s spoiling family time but really it seems you’re only supportive of activities you approve of. Does anyone else get an input into how you spend this ‘family time’ or is that also decided by you? The weekends are for everyone to rest and recharge. Lighten up, you’ll have a much easier time if you embrace it a bit and find a compromise. If you’re worried about levels of physical activity take them to something like laser tag, it will probably appeal to the others and you can feel better that it’s not in front of a screen.

In my house, the device would develop a serious fault.

That just proves you are a terrible person. And realistically all that would happen is you'd be out of pocket as a family. No gamer is going to go without a device to play.

He's reacting defensively and lashing out because that's what addicts do. You need to talk to him about this when he's in a calm and reasonable mood, not when he's playing. He already admitted that he'd be sad to think of your dc being addicted like him. He needs to realise that's exactly what he's setting them up for. He is setting a really bad example. I'm not saying that because I'm anti-games. Both dh and ds play, but they are not addicted. Ds went off it altogether for a year or so and now only plays a little.

my husband grew up in a screen house and I didn’t so it was challenging to find a balance we could both agree on when we had kids. He does PC gaming too - more than I understand, but only after everything else is done. My daughter isn’t super into games, but my son will
happily watch him for ages which I genuinely don’t understand. I let it go for a little while, but it’s obviously not a great thing to do for very long. Luckily my husband agrees so it’s just for a little bit here and there. They play on the switch together a few days a week and my son gets 3 hours of solo switch time whenever he likes throughout the week

But my son does football and taekwando and plays with friends and helps around the house. My husband goes to work and socialises and cooks dinner every night and then he’s free to do whatever - as am I. So I guess I wonder what is your Dh contributing in between gaming and what does he think is a reasonable amount of time for growing children to be sat around watching him and what is his plan for getting a job and all the rest of it. It’s totally reasonable to set boundaries on your children, particularly if screen time is affecting their lives to this degree. If my son whines about getting off the switch when it’s time, we take a week off. It’s meant to be fun but when it gets obsessive it’s not fun for anyone anymore.

And that's the problem with addiction, everybody around suffers as a result .

While I agree with the statement of addiction causing suffering. I disagree with that being the case in this instance. The 'addiction' (which I don't believe this is) wouldn't be the cause of having to spend money. That would be the fault of the poster for intentionally breaking a PC. I also disagree with the replacing a broken piece of hobby equipment being a symptom of addiction. If you were a cyclist and your bike broke no one would call you an addict for getting a new one.

You're NOT being controlling....

1. You're trying to get your Oh to act like a decent father and role model.

1. Trying to avoid your kids becoming addicted to games...

Both goals are good.

Personally I'd want him to get addiction treatment

I couldn't live with any sort of addict.

He'll just buy a new one.

Addicts won't go without their supply.

Why is wanting to play games an addiction, but wanting to do any other hobby an interest? Why are they inherently evil?

It does depend on the effect of other members of the family. Hopefully, a hobbyist can put it on hold, if a family event, or other requirement comes up, I am not sure an addict would.
I ended a relationship because of a 'hobby', which meant I went to weddings, birthdays christenings on my own as his hobby couldn't be foresaken for any of those normal occasions.

You admit you hate gamers so maybe you married the wrong man. I'm a gamer (not addicted just like it) and I don't understand people who hate on gaming but sit in front of the tv for hours. The games I play are far more intellectually stimulating than Traitors - I refuse to watch that trash. In fact, I watch tv for about 2 hours a week and only then if there is a series or movie I really want to watch. Otherwise I don't watch at all.
My DH loves sports - playing and watching. Both my kids have grown up similar although one is also a gamer. He still holds down a responsible job, has time with family etc.
It's just a hobby. No need for the hate.
Your DH is spending time with the kids. Would you be equally unhappy if they were kicking a football about or watching Traitors? Mine would always moan if they were in the garden playing football and we had to go out but they knew they couldn't always do what they wanted to do when because we have other things to do. But it's all about balance. I wasn't forever stopping them doing anything fun because I didn't like it.

It sounds really boring for them just watching him play video games. A child with ADHD would surely be better getting some fresh air & exercise than spending all day watching a gaming screen.

YANBU & I’m surprised at how many people are saying you should let them get on with it. Maybe that’s why so many kids can’t sit still in school or concentrate if they have been gaming all weekend?

At least if the boys played a joint game on the switch I could see that it might be fun but it sounds like they just sit watching him.

When does he take them out the house to run around? Does he do any grown up jobs like washing up? Is he even looking for a job?

I’d be telling my husband I can’t have sex with someone who behaves like a teenage boy whose Mum is removing his Xbox. Admittedly men who game or are heavy on the screen time are my huge “ick” so I’m biased. I totally agree teaching your kids to get easy dopamine hits from a screen is terrible parenting and an hour at night a couple of times a week seems perfectly reasonable to me. He needs to get on board with limits before your kids end up like him.

As someone who was allowed to play video games as much as I wanted as a child, I fully agree with you.
I don't play them now and neither do my siblings.

I realise I am late to the thread but bloody hell, no way would I let kids stay at home gaming all day. Far better to be out in the fresh air doing a constructive team activity. Young kids really shouldn't be gaming at all and OP's husband is setting a really bad example

I think you are being quite controlling over the amount of time they spend gaming. They like it , what’s the problem . How would you like it if you were only allowed to do your hobby twice a week if someone else deemed it a waste of life? Maybe loosen the grip a bit and they’ll be less fixated and obsessed

@Videooooo my husband plays video games. I bought him the Xbox as a bday present. I personally can’t stand them now, but played a lot of them between 8-12 as a child, as did a lot of millennials. As for the football I’d guess your doing the drop off and pick up? Get husband to do it. If he’s not working get him to pick up more slack at home. Gets him off the gaming for a bit.

The children could learn to be happy doing other activities; so could the husband. How do you think people managed before video games were invented? They didn't die of boredom. Other leisure pursuits are available, and most of them are less addictive.

DH and I and the kids all like video games. I think playing as a family can be a great shared activity. I also let the kids have more screen time than most people on here would approve of.

however it is still sensible to set limits around screen use so you don't end up not doing anything else.

microsoft has some good family controls that you could use. We have a shared account on the PC which is set up as a child account and can be controlled from the app. If you were to agree with DH and the kids that gaming should stop at 9.30 so they can get to football, you could then just schedule the computer to turn off at that time and not have to have an argument about it.

we currently have a system where if we are not doing anything else on the weekend, the kids can play on the computer until 10am as long as they are doing it together (it's proving to be a good shared activity that they are bonding over), then they have to stop (they get another chance in the afternoon). They don't love it but because it's the same rule every day they are used to it.

(DS9 also has ADHD .)

What other activities ?

Really? Just let them play games all day everyday as and when they like with a father who spends his day addicted to games???

I might have had some sympathy, but then you called video games 'a waste of a life' and that was so unpleasantly dismissive about something he likes and that hundreds of millions of people enjoy, that it was enough to tip me towards coming down on your husband's side.