To not want DH to play video games with our kids in the morning? Or talk to me like this?

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DH is addicted to video games. He has recently been made redundant from his v well-paid professional job, so he spends half of the day playing PC games. During the work day, in the evening (after the kids have gone to bed), and if he’s up before everybody in the morning. He’s depressed about his job, but the video game addiction isn’t new - he has been since I met him.

He will deprive himself of sleep to play.

He also has ADHD, as does one of our children.

I hate video games. I think they’re a waste of a life. So I know I come at this in a not-sympathetic light.

We have two DSs (age 8 and 11) and they are allowed to play games on Mondays and Wednesday nights. These are their “game night” (weekends too awkward as it got in the way of plans).DS (age 8) also has ADHD and is obsessed with games. He talks about nothing else. He begs and begs for screen time. He spends his time trying to manufacture situations where he gets it. (He also gets an hour of TV a day that usually turns into longer as we often watch the Traitors etc together in the evening as well).

DH enjoys playing PC games while our kids watch him. Everyone knows I hate this. DH refuses to stop doing it.

This morning, they got up at 7:30am and went down to play and then, at 9am, I said several times (at first nicely) “time to stop now”.

Eventually, they stopped. Then DS (age 8) had a fit about going to football for his usual 10am class. Refused to go; threw things around, and I said “this is made worse by morning gaming”. And DH called me “fucking pious” and told me I was “ruining the morning” IN FRONT OF our children.

DS (8) does whine about football every single weekend and then loves it when he’s there.

But AIBU that video games in the morning are bad for them?

I know I’m not being unreasonable that he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that in front of the children. I know he’ll apologise later and I know it’s because he’s upset about work and feeling guilty for constantly gaming. But it makes me hate him.

This may sound crazy but is there any chance you can take off for a week? Do you have a parent you can go visit or a friend who'd love to go away for 5 to 7 days?
Has to be during the week has to be when the children normally would be going to school.
You said your husband is now home full time, and he has no off switch and neither do the two boys and if left to their own devices they would game morning, night and everything in between.
Why not let them? The house will be a mess, they'll be eating nothing but frozen / prepackaged foods, they won't be sleeping, they won't be bathing, they won't be going to their football or any other activities and, should be interesting getting them to school properly, as well as making sure that they're dressed right, didn't forget to do their homework, etc.
Try stepping away from it for a while which I know is way easier to say than to do... But you have an adult husband who's acting like one of the primary aged children.
Sometimes when kids scream that all they want to eat is candy, you let them eat the candy. At first it's a dream come true and then they get sick of it.
Not sure if this is the right thing to try but why not try it?

Wanted to add, you sound like you're a great parent, and it's less of a problem with the kids I think as it is a problem with the husband because he's encouraging The unhealthy behavior for the kids.
He's making it three against one and you've got to feel like you're fighting a war on all sides because you're constantly trying to get them to unplug.
He's the one that needs to step up and realize that you can't be an adult and be on video games all day long. That this isn't healthy for the kids, and that parenting isn't being controlling.
The suggestion of why not let them make a mess of their own bad habits and then have to deal with the consequences of it, isn't a long-term solution, but I have heard of kids who loved chocolate and wanted chocolate and snuck chocolate and cried about wanting chocolate all the time and, whether you think this was a good idea or not, their parents gave them NOTHING but chocolate for a few days and, those kids did not crave chocolate anymore after that.

He has an addiction that’s a higher priority for him than job seeking, your marriage or parenting. Watching him behave like this and joining him, ion top of any inherited predisposition to addiction, increases the DCs’ risks of having similar problems. It’d be a deal breaker for many.

YANBU for not wanting him to speak to you like that at all, and particularly not in front of the kids.

It's not unreasonable to not want the kids to watch him gaming in the morning, though this needs to be organised with the father.

I also don't think it's unreasonable to push back on the computer issue - it was bought for work, he's not working and is not making visible steps towards that, it's not serving it's function and is impacting negatively on his wellbeing. With what's going on, a major discussion on moving forward needs to happen. As others said, it may end up being a deal breaker.

Yes, your kids are learning habits from watching their father - which is a big part of why he shouldn't of spoken to you like that and needs to sort out his current bad habits. They're also going to have learned that you hate their interests, and that's impactful too.

It was unreasonable to marry for for potential - thinking they're going to change in a particular way you want - rather than reality. It's setting up for failure, and really, how would you feel if he said he married you hoping you were going to grow out of something you enjoy? I'd be really hurt by that.

DH is medicated for his ADHD. But, he says, sometimes the medication makes him focus on the games even more!

Which makes complete sense. ADHD medication increases dopamine and norepinephrine enabling better focus and attention. It does not change interests, or the difference between having interest-based rather than an importance-based executive functioning. It also reduces impulsivity, but it can increase motivation for habits - and gaming has become a habit here. It may take something drastic to break it, and he needs to be on board with it, but no medication or willpower will give him importance-based executive function.

And I wonder if watching an adult playing games is complying with age restrictions - I mean, are they watching a U rated gameplay? I very much doubt it.

I agree this should be checked. However, no gameplay would be rated U. The PEGI rating system used for games is 3, 7, 12, 16, 18. Many popular games are 3 and 7 rated so it's possible, but also fairly likely it's at a higher rating or to be unrated as games can be unrated on PC.

Ok not “U” rated but you get the gist

This is a crazy attitude to take. So from OP's perspective, DH and the kids wanting to game is ruining 'family time' and the relationship. So the solution is for them to stop and then OP is happy but no one else is?!?

He's addicted and games all the time. But yes asking him to put boundaries on his and the kids use means only the OP is happy- ok them

Exercise doesn’t always trigger dopamine for people with ADHD. IME it’s just another chore to force yourself through, as there’s no buzz or reward at the end.

What games does he play when DC can watch him?

To be fair OP I think you are being unreasonable. What he said wasn't very appropriate with the kids around but you (for lack of a better phrase) started it by essentially belittling his favourite hobby in front of said kids. Your hated for gaming is probably emotional killing your DH. He probably feels guilty and miserable every time he games. And that's so sad. Everyone should be able to have a hobby. Yes there's limits that he should consider. Does his gaming interfer with family life? And think about it carefully, not from a point of any amount of time is too much time. Genuinely does he not shower, ignore you or the kids all the time. Not do any house work? If that's the case then you can absolutely say something.
But can you imagine of someone on here was saying the same thing about painting, or cycling, or crochet. If I turned to my wife on a Saturday morning and told her she's not to read anymore today. 2 hours is plenty of time and it not good to stare at a book for that long, especially in the mornings! I'd be told to f#@k off!

Then DS (age 8) had a fit about going to football for his usual 10am class. Refused to go; threw things around, and I said “this is made worse by morning gaming”. And DH called me “fucking pious” and told me I was “ruining the morning” IN FRONT OF our children.

Yabu to blame this one activity you hate as the cause of an ADHD reaction, it could have happened if he’d been nose deep in a favourite book or other approved activity you do like. It’s not made worse, you’re weaponising his ADHD to push your view on your DH and DC that video games are “a waste of life”. IMHO, watching Traitors is more of a waste of time. It’s controlling to impose your preferences on your husband or kids.

Yeah, I get that game addiction is a thing, but I think someone who 'hates' gaming as much as OP seems to will probably have a skewed idea of how much gaming constitutes an addiction. The examples in the original post were he games every day since being made redundant, he games in the morning and he sometimes stays up late playing games...that's not being addicted. That's being a gamer. Being addicted is gaming from waking up until going to bed, not showering, not eating properly and not interacting with the rest of the family.

Well my diagnosed (not suspected undiagnosed like yours) DC self regulate using screens. It is very common that children diagnosed with autism and/or ADHD gain great benefit from doing problem solving games on screens.
The fact your DC don’t have what is common among most DC with autism or ADHD, doesn’t mean they don’t have autism or ADHD traits but it could mean that the “suspected” means they are more NT than ND overall and don’t meet the threshold.

Screen time on a morning might not be the most helpful thing, especially if DS is happy once he's at football. It's easy to want to veg out playing a game, especially when the weather is shit, but ofc getting some exercise in each day is great for mental and physical health. I would look to compromise and have screen time, with some gaming, but after going to football.

I feel like you’re rabidly jealous he has so much in common with them and can spend quality time bonding for hours.

Then you come along and act like a villain.

I think you need to read up about video games. You wouldn't say reading a book was a waste of life and some video games have just as much artistic merit as some books - and more than many. I think your general dismissal of something your H likes is naturally going to get his back up. Playing video games together is shown to be good for family relationships too.

That said, watching other people play is not great and his keeping going when you're supposed to be doing something else is crap and annoying. He must surely understand that when he's not in the process of playing or in a funk about his job.

So yes, he needs to put some time limits in place and make the gaming activity more of a team thing - there are plenty of age appropriate options - but you need to bend on the gaming thing. Try having a go with your kids because I guarantee they will love you doing it and it will help you not be the 'mummy who hates video games' when you perfectly reasonably call time on it.

I’m really horrified at the posters who think this is ok.

I know if I put the TV on in the morning for my kids they are cranky AF when I turn it off and impossible to get ready/get out of the house.

tbh this would be a deal breaker for me as your DH is not contributing or on the same page with parenting. I would be taking a break until he sorts his shit out.

I don’t see the problem. Let them enjoy it together. It’s nice they are bonding over it.

I don’t believe they are inherently evil or harmful at all.

https://www.unicef.org/innocenti/press-releases/video-games-can-have-positive-impact-children-if-they-are-designed-right-says-new

I just find all this so odd.

Grew up in the 70’s. Watched tv loads. Still managed to get a degree and work.

Dc born mid 90’s to 2006. All played games quite young. Never bad tempered when asked to come off. Last one was obsessed with Stampy Longnose. 2 confirmed adhd, 2 suspected.

All did well at uni and in good jobs. Last one just started uni.

l think a morning playing games with dad is great. I can’t find any hard evidence that they are bad.

When is he getting a new job? That would be my priority! If he isn’t planning on that then he can move out and live on his own on benefits in a dingy flat gaming 24/7

Really? Stretch much

What's your issue with games in general? How many have you played?

Saying that you hate games is like saying you hate books. You might not like romance novels, but you might like an autobiography. You'd be bored to tears by ancient Greek philosophy but you'd find a cook book handy.

Modern gaming isn't all Grand Theft Auto. I guarantee that you'd be able to find something you enjoyed if you actually looked.

Totally with you OP. His gaming addiction is rubbing off on the kids. ADHD shouldn't be used as an excuse. Tell him it has to stop. As in stop altogether. That's the only way you're gonna get some sanity back in the house.

I think it’s hard when a man has always done something that you don’t like (some kind of addiction like video games or gambling or porn even), and then years later ask them to put a stop to it. Very quickly men get so defensive and unreasonable. If you met your husband today, I bet you would walk right on by you wouldn’t choose him anymore as he’s not the man you need him to be. Just saying I know.

You knew he was an addict yet you chose him anyway to be the father of your children.

And now you complain??