To not want DH to play video games with our kids in the morning? Or talk to me like this?

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DH is addicted to video games. He has recently been made redundant from his v well-paid professional job, so he spends half of the day playing PC games. During the work day, in the evening (after the kids have gone to bed), and if he’s up before everybody in the morning. He’s depressed about his job, but the video game addiction isn’t new - he has been since I met him.

He will deprive himself of sleep to play.

He also has ADHD, as does one of our children.

I hate video games. I think they’re a waste of a life. So I know I come at this in a not-sympathetic light.

We have two DSs (age 8 and 11) and they are allowed to play games on Mondays and Wednesday nights. These are their “game night” (weekends too awkward as it got in the way of plans).DS (age 8) also has ADHD and is obsessed with games. He talks about nothing else. He begs and begs for screen time. He spends his time trying to manufacture situations where he gets it. (He also gets an hour of TV a day that usually turns into longer as we often watch the Traitors etc together in the evening as well).

DH enjoys playing PC games while our kids watch him. Everyone knows I hate this. DH refuses to stop doing it.

This morning, they got up at 7:30am and went down to play and then, at 9am, I said several times (at first nicely) “time to stop now”.

Eventually, they stopped. Then DS (age 8) had a fit about going to football for his usual 10am class. Refused to go; threw things around, and I said “this is made worse by morning gaming”. And DH called me “fucking pious” and told me I was “ruining the morning” IN FRONT OF our children.

DS (8) does whine about football every single weekend and then loves it when he’s there.

But AIBU that video games in the morning are bad for them?

I know I’m not being unreasonable that he shouldn’t have spoken to me like that in front of the children. I know he’ll apologise later and I know it’s because he’s upset about work and feeling guilty for constantly gaming. But it makes me hate him.

What kind of games are they playing? My DH plays video games several times a week and our 5 and 10 year old are avid players too now. It’s a great bonding activity for them as they get to enjoy something together. And has plenty of positives individually too. They enjoy open world games with lots of side quests which teach patience and problem solving skills. Some like Minecraft and Sims which are fantastic for exploring their creativity. And platform games which teach resilience and honing skills. Playing together is great for communication and team work.

I know not all games are great and stuff like COD has more negatives than benefits for kids but it’s a very simplistic view to just see all games as screen time. The right games are fun while engaging their brains and assisting in development.

Of course having restrictions on times is understandable so they are engaging in other activities and not mindlessly playing for hours. But maybe ask yourself if you’re being a bit harsh with them all because of your own bias. Just because you don’t personally enjoy it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Oh and not wanting to go to an activity even though he always enjoys it when he gets there is a very classic ADHD symptom and it sounds like he’s experiencing that consistently, whether or not he’s been gaming. It won’t help your argument with your husband to be using that against gaming as it just highlights your personal dislike.

My husband and I are both gamers since childhood on the C64 and Amiga. I do have rules since I know how addictive and distracting gaming can be, but you seem to be trying to cut it out instead of letting them enjoy it at a healthy level. I don’t think you will ever manage that.

For DD, the rule is no gaming in the morning before school, after school is ok but goes off for dinnertime, half an hour with dad after work allowed then off - but on a weekend, we don’t have limits. Just she has to put it down if I say so eg mealtimes, and when we are going out or seeing family. We do lots of outdoor time and activities so ends up about two hours to game and everyone is happy.

In your position I’d allow the morning gaming but it goes off to eat breakfast and one hour before the football.

The husband is another matter - if he is genuinely addicted during the day when they’re out, he needs to find help for that and make sure he sets his own rules. Starting with a firm sleep schedule!

Well football!! OP says her DC is wanting to stay at home playing video games rather than attending football club. I would insist he attends football club

Kids sitting indoors on screens and fed a diet of UPF's is causing them a lot of harm

I feel for you. If he’s calling you “fucking pious” in front of the kids he neither respects you nor has enough insight to accept he is the one with the problem. I also worry about his parenting skills; modelling such aggressive behaviour in front of his son?

Your husband should WANT to be in bed with you at bedtime and in the early morning, intimacy is very important (and I’m not talking just about sex). Plus if he is gaming continually who is keeping the house running and looking after the kids?

His attitude towards his children gaming is simply a symptom of the fact he has ‘opted out’ of life. He could have got his son ready for football and maybe spend some quality time communicating or he could (and did) ‘opt out’ and stuck the kid in front of the screen until you turned up to be the adult.

A hobby like gaming is something you do in your free time after you’ve been to work and done your share of the housework and childcare - there’s no justification for doing it instead of these things.

I suspect you both need to attend relationship counselling to stand a chance. He doesn’t respect you or your view and he doesn’t see the problem with ‘opting out’ of adulting. If you try to talk to him without a referee it’ll be made to be all your fault and you may even get more abuse- it’ll be pointless. You need someone to help you encourage him to reflect. If he point blank refuses, you’ll be pushed into leaving.

You really have to think about the behaviour he is modelling to your children. If you don’t want a sweary, aggressive teenager who is obsessed with gaming, you need to nip this in the bud. It’s not about stopping kids gaming, it’s about showing them healthy behaviour around gaming. I agree that gaming first thing in the morning when they should be getting ready for their day, is not acceptable. I mean he had to be at football at 10am and your husband was completely oblivious at 9am?

I’ve no doubt the ADHD thing is a BS excuse for bad behaviour. It appears to be yet another excuse for opting-out. Plenty of people problem-solve their ADHD so that it doesn’t affect their ability to adult. Your husband needs to get his shit together or get his shit out of your house.

All those of you supporting the DH and the kids - do you really have no idea about how damaging gaming addictions are - how the brain is effectively rewired? Unfortunately I do. If I could ban video games I would.

Our 4 had no problems. Neither did any of their mates. They’re all midv30’s now. They still play online now.

Because it's not good for them and he had to get ready for football?

Rubbish … it’s addictive and terrible for them, as demonstrated by DH.

I’m not a fan of kids playing video games as I think parents should be able to facilitate something more interesting and rewarding to fill their DC’s leisure time.

Adults playing video games is simply pathetic. Grow up.

Unbelievable that the so called parents on here have no idea of how damaging gaming is to a developing child’s brain, not to mention the number of obese children we have due to them sitting about gaming and mindlessly eating!! Do some research!! It’s an epidemic and there are clearly a large about of people on here who don’t get it and allow their children to game and have screen time as and when … it’s LAZY parenting!!!

As for the OPs Dh … he needs to get off his backside and find another job!!
He setting a terrible example.

100% agree!

Then that says it all 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

Yuck - this sounds horrible. I can’t believe that this has become the norm in people’s homes. This would give me the ick.

If it were just the kids I’d know exactly what to do - but your husband sounds horrendous.

we recently banned our eldest from screens for 2 weeks because of some screen related behaviour. It’s been such a great couple of weeks - he’s rediscovered hobbies and has been super helpful with his little brother. To the extent that he has also acknowledged the difference.

I presume you’ve already had a conversation with your husband about it not just in the moment? Is there a place he can do this where he’s not visible to the kids?

Quality time bonding … what staring at screen like a bunch of zombies … ok 🤣🤣🤣

It's depressing how rude and dismissive some people are about something they clearly don't know very much about.

All you video games haters should read this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Ten-Things-Video-Games-Teach/dp/1472137914/?tag=offa01-20.

All things in moderation though, of course. OP I just think if you accepted there is some value to the gaming your arguments about stopping it to get out of the house would be much more effective.

Addicts are difficult to live with whatever they are addicted to

I am furious on your behalf!

1. That he would swear at you. How DARE he!

2. That he's doing his hobby for more than a hobby length of time.... surely hobbies are 5-7 hours a week?

3. That he's gaming when he's supposed to be working during the week. If he really can't get a job then he needs to be contributing in other ways.

4. That he doesn't prioritize his sons' well-being. Little children need to be active. When my kids were at primary school we'd always be out at the weekend. Rule of thumb: screen time should never outweigh their active time.

5. That he makes you the 'bad guy'. He needs to be an adult and a parent. Certainly he should be prepping their football kit and taking them there.

I understand your concerns Op but I think you’re going too far “the other way”.

I think a compromise needs to be made so everyone is a bit happier. And stop the football if he really doesn’t like it.

Cancel the Internet or put a block on certain consoles/tvs ( i can do this through the app with virgin) , job sorted no one gets to play then .

There is, they get to game a few times a week.

Gaming shouldn't be at the cost of small children going outside to play!

Why do you assume they’re staring at the screen like a bunch of zombies??? It’s totally possible they are discussing storylines, making strategies, debating outcomes, laughing at funny parts. And sometimes quietly enjoying the same thing with minimal communication is all kids want, especially kids who struggle to open up and extra so for neurodivergent kids.

Gaming together can be great quality time with the kids. It is for my husband and kids.

Sure they are. Didn’t OP say that the kids are just standing there watching the Dad play half the time … discussing storylines?!? highly unlikely!

No, they’re interacting with each other. Cooperating to solve problems. Experiencing emotions. Having fun. Bonding.

This is quality time. Some women seem to think only tedious 19th century things which involve paper or grass are “quality”. Yawn.

I used to be addicted to video games myself. Me and my brothers would play video games for 4/9 hours a day. We did this for years. We stopped because we found joy in doing other things, and aging tore us apart. I think that studying is important, there should be a limit to how much video game we play a day.