Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In-laws - should.i apologise

171 replies

Brendy76 · 29/11/2025 02:30

Lying awake here at 2am and can't sleep as my head feels like mush.

Quick background, I'm an only child and both my parents died by cancer 10 years ago. I've since comes.to terms with this and have went on to have 2.wonderful little boys with my husband.

I admit I can feel quite resentful when I see people who still have their parents around and don't treat them properly but keep this to myself, this does actually have something to do with it.

Around 2 months ago my FIL was taken into hospital for a mind hand injury, but is still there as he is now refusing to walk and is having lots of personal issues with hygiene etc (don't want to give details as it's the messy stuff), anyway hospital have refused to release him until.his mobility is resolved and he is able to go to the bathroom etc.

The issues have always been my BIL & SIL who still stay in the family home but contribute nothing either physically or financially.

It's either myself or husband who takes MIL to all appointments, shopping etc, but mostly me.

Around a year ago I arranged for carers to go in when I was unable to, got all adaptations etc to help but the SIL refused to have them in the house, I think she may have some kind of neurological disorder but I'm immediately shot down in flames if it's ever mentioned she's not perfect

Anyway, fast forward to last week and it was my birthday, not a special one and tbh I'm at an age now I'm not fussed at all, but we've been trying to get out youngest son's bedroom decorated in between daily hospital.visits, general running around etc and getting organised for Christmas. MIL texted to say cards where be picked up and I explained how busy we are, (side note, we have no outside support, so no childcare etc and anything we have to do needs to be done on the 2 days my youngest is at nursery.

Spent the week decorating, getting organised for Christmas etc and the texts were getting more cheeky,.oh you'll get presents at Christmas, don't you want them etc, replied in good humour, of course I do, just busy, pop in asap.

Finally on Sunday husband had a day off and thought we'd pop in. As soon as I walked in the front door it started, you could tell the atmosphere was full.of tension, I did say oh you know where we live you could have came up, to which I was told they wouldn't.pay for a taxi, (because either myself or husband takes them wherever they need to go most of the time), MIL replied oh does that mean youre never coming in my house again...I was thinking WTF ???

The boys and I had made cakes and had taken them so I went to the kitchen and thought just eat a cake, that way you won't say anything .

Heard SIL muttering about how I've not to.open.the cards or presents in there I've to do it in my own house. Put more cake in my gob at this point.

Next thing SIL starts this shouting match with her mum and brothers and bringing me into it saying how I said they've to get a taxi to the hospital (I've never said such a thing, albeit I think she should.pay for a taxi for her mother when she visits.once a week, SIL that is)

Anyway I lost it I admit, I got up and said I was going to the car I wasn't listening to this crap. SIL got up in my face screaming at me, so I screamed back.eayint my parents where dead, when was only being asked to visit a hospital,.I wanted to say more,.but quickly.tried to re-group

This is what I'm really pissed off at, husband tells me to get out, which I'm still trying to do at this point, and now I'm all the baddies

So please tell me, should I apologise for defending myself and I should.add I'm still pissed off with husband, but I guess blood is thicker than water, I just thought I meant more

Thanks for reading X X

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 29/11/2025 03:22

Drop the rope. Not your parents. Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

There’s a thread in Step parenting about NACHO parenting. You might get some ideas from that.

BruFord · 29/11/2025 04:05

Your SIL sounds extremely selfish, but you can’t do anything about this.

Not allowing adaptions in the house to help her father’s mobility IS serious though. Again you personally can’t do anything except say to your DH that he really needs to get those adaptions done for his poor Dad. If he doesn’t, he’ll have to deal with the consequences.

You could apologize for losing your temper, but not for what you said. You told your SIL the truth, she just didn’t like hearing it! Would you actually be upset if she doesn’t speak to you now? One benefit is that you wouldn’t need to help her out anymore.

Fontet · 29/11/2025 04:10

ABSOLUTELY NOT....stand your ground. Good luck x

Figcherry · 29/11/2025 04:18

Stop doing stuff.
Let your dh sort his own family.

Lookingforthejoy · 29/11/2025 04:22

Losing your temper wasn’t ideal but it sounds like you were long over due putting boundaries in place.

user1492757084 · 29/11/2025 04:30

Step back. Let your husband be the one they call.

Yes, apologise for losing your temper and also thank them for their gift.

Behave in a manner that is respectful to your own self worth.
Send birthday and Christmas greetings, invite them to DC's events but these strange relatives are not your close friends.

Invest more time in close friends and hobbies.

Forestfire12345 · 29/11/2025 04:35

Much as you try to appreciate how lucky some people are to still have parents or family, this isn't actually true in reality . Some parents/ families are shit. Id be out of this one ( MIL, SIL, etc) like a shot..
Not a thing more would I do or say to them or for them. Everything surrounding them and their problems now gets passed over to your husband.
If you don't it'll be more of the same for the next 20 years or more.

Arregaithel · 29/11/2025 04:46

@Brendy76

There's no need to apologise, the behaviour from all of you was not ideal really.

I agree with previous posters, that for your own sanity, you should take a huge step back from any interactions with your in-laws.

What is more concerning is that your husband was unsupportive.

That would certainly be worth a discussion. 🌼

JMSA · 29/11/2025 04:47

How do you have time for all of this?! Don’t you or your husband work?

JoshLymanSwagger · 29/11/2025 04:56

Let DH deal with them. Don't get involved. Stop helping. They are not your problem to fix.

Concentrate on your boys.

PollyBell · 29/11/2025 05:04

You didn't need to get involved in all this, so leave them to it

notallwhowanderare · 29/11/2025 05:06

Do not apologise. Leave them all too it. Move on.

arcticpandas · 29/11/2025 05:11

I would look upon this as your actual birthday gift @Brendy76 . You are now free to leave them to it; Sil and Mil have to figure out how to deal with appointments etc by themselves. You have been enabling them for too long getting only shit back so you finally getting angry was long overdue and healthy. Leave them to their shitshow.

Since DH is so concerned you let hi deal with them. His dysfunctional family after all.

Take a deep breath. You are free.

notallwhowanderare · 29/11/2025 05:19

Missed the typo 🙄

ChavsAreReal · 29/11/2025 05:24

Everyone else is right. Droo the rope. Leave them to it.

If anyone should apologise its them. But it sounds like they won't. Which is probably good news for you because it will make it easier to leave them to it.

Does sil live with them? Who shoots you down in flames? Is your husband generally a twat?

OfficerChurlish · 29/11/2025 05:59

If this happened last Sunday and your husband is still being "off" about it/blaming you (and hasn't acknowledged that his sister was out of line and you bore the brunt of it) then there may be more of a problem, at least with communication. Are you able to have a conversation with him clearing the air about all of the things bothering you both about the situation with his parents/siblings and the way it's been handled up until now? I'd do that first.

Linenpickle · 29/11/2025 06:02

Your dh is a duck and needs to apologise to you. You’re not there to help his family. Not when they are being ungrateful nasty twats.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 29/11/2025 06:05

Congratulations; you now are free of being their helper and taxi service! Let your husband handle it.

He’s a big problem though, for not sticking up for you. What are you going to do about that?

CantBreathe90 · 29/11/2025 06:06

No wonder your poor FIL is refusing to go back! They sound a nightmare. I'd only apologise for your very small part of the argument (losing your temper), if you want to for your own sake. Like if you had lingering guilt or whatever that you wanted to alleviate. I personally wouldn't bother.

I appreciate that your DH was probably stressed and is worried about his family too, but he should still have backed you in the circumstance. I hope that this was out of character for him, and that he apologises to you too. How did you leave it with him after?

As others have said, leave them to it - they have THREE adult children for goodness sake!

Sorry it sounds like you've had such a stressful time😬xx

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 29/11/2025 06:12

The first post nails it.
Quite frankly your in laws sound like scrounges, not willing to pay for transport to go to hospital etc.
I would stop visiting. Let your dh go alone he will probably get sick of visiting too.
Just don’t engage. But, make sure this duesnt mean you end up doing more childcare and housework. Let your dh take the dcs to visit, Yse that time to do what you want op. Maybe watch tv, do a hobby, see friends. Lots of men use their wives as buffers when it cones to their parents, don’t let your dh do this to you.
All your in laws sound ungrateful spongers.
Why can’t they oust cards? Are their grandchildren not worth the cost of a postage stamp?
Just pull back. Leave them to it. Let them lay to get to the hospital etc.
They are very ungrateful.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 29/11/2025 06:24

Let your husband take the wheel now. See it as a good thing. Apologise for losing your temper and shouting but explain how you felt. Tell them you’re going to let (insert husband’s name) take the lead on such things going fwd as you seem to be getting it wrong. Sign off with love and a kiss then enjoy an easier life.

Pipsquiggle · 29/11/2025 06:25

I have voted YABU, mainly because you are doing too much.
You don't need to apologise.
Your DH needs to deal with his family.

Lairymary · 29/11/2025 06:27

Sounds like it might be an abusive household with the shouting and getting in people's faces.... is this why FIL is delaying his return? Is he being abused?

Blizzardofleaves · 29/11/2025 06:34

You need to look at why you choose to get this involved in the first place. Were you hoping your in laws would be the closest thing to parents? And you could be close to them. I would suggest you book some counselling op.

Pull back and sit tight. Let them come to you. It’s not your job to ferry them around etc. Focus on yourself and boys.

Spirallingdownwards · 29/11/2025 06:35

I haven't voted because I am not sure what the question is.

It seems perfectly reasonable to step away.
It seems perfectly reasonable to not apologise that at the end of your tether you may have lost your temper.

Your husband is unreasonable to not arica up for you. I suspect he is just pissed off that he is going to have to deal with his family shit now rather than you.

Stay home and concentrate on your boys and your home.

Tell him he can deal with his family or indeed perhaps its even time for him to step back and let them make their own way for ar least some of the time.