In-laws - should.i apologise

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Lying awake here at 2am and can't sleep as my head feels like mush.

Quick background, I'm an only child and both my parents died by cancer 10 years ago. I've since comes.to terms with this and have went on to have 2.wonderful little boys with my husband.

I admit I can feel quite resentful when I see people who still have their parents around and don't treat them properly but keep this to myself, this does actually have something to do with it.

Around 2 months ago my FIL was taken into hospital for a mind hand injury, but is still there as he is now refusing to walk and is having lots of personal issues with hygiene etc (don't want to give details as it's the messy stuff), anyway hospital have refused to release him until.his mobility is resolved and he is able to go to the bathroom etc.

The issues have always been my BIL & SIL who still stay in the family home but contribute nothing either physically or financially.

It's either myself or husband who takes MIL to all appointments, shopping etc, but mostly me.

Around a year ago I arranged for carers to go in when I was unable to, got all adaptations etc to help but the SIL refused to have them in the house, I think she may have some kind of neurological disorder but I'm immediately shot down in flames if it's ever mentioned she's not perfect

Anyway, fast forward to last week and it was my birthday, not a special one and tbh I'm at an age now I'm not fussed at all, but we've been trying to get out youngest son's bedroom decorated in between daily hospital.visits, general running around etc and getting organised for Christmas. MIL texted to say cards where be picked up and I explained how busy we are, (side note, we have no outside support, so no childcare etc and anything we have to do needs to be done on the 2 days my youngest is at nursery.

Spent the week decorating, getting organised for Christmas etc and the texts were getting more cheeky,.oh you'll get presents at Christmas, don't you want them etc, replied in good humour, of course I do, just busy, pop in asap.

Finally on Sunday husband had a day off and thought we'd pop in. As soon as I walked in the front door it started, you could tell the atmosphere was full.of tension, I did say oh you know where we live you could have came up, to which I was told they wouldn't.pay for a taxi, (because either myself or husband takes them wherever they need to go most of the time), MIL replied oh does that mean youre never coming in my house again...I was thinking WTF ???

The boys and I had made cakes and had taken them so I went to the kitchen and thought just eat a cake, that way you won't say anything .

Heard SIL muttering about how I've not to.open.the cards or presents in there I've to do it in my own house. Put more cake in my gob at this point.

Next thing SIL starts this shouting match with her mum and brothers and bringing me into it saying how I said they've to get a taxi to the hospital (I've never said such a thing, albeit I think she should.pay for a taxi for her mother when she visits.once a week, SIL that is)

Anyway I lost it I admit, I got up and said I was going to the car I wasn't listening to this crap. SIL got up in my face screaming at me, so I screamed back.eayint my parents where dead, when was only being asked to visit a hospital,.I wanted to say more,.but quickly.tried to re-group

This is what I'm really pissed off at, husband tells me to get out, which I'm still trying to do at this point, and now I'm all the baddies

So please tell me, should I apologise for defending myself and I should.add I'm still pissed off with husband, but I guess blood is thicker than water, I just thought I meant more

Thanks for reading X X

I think this is one of those situations where the act/disrespect has to be the closure you need

if it makes your own life easier address it and offer a factual apology (sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted when you shouted) - it feels like that might give you some peace too - but beyond that, what they’ve told you, loudly, is that at least your SiL does not want your help!

I feel like your DH could have had your back, but I guess he has more experience of his family dynamic. He is the person I would talk to about what happened, as it doesn’t sound like this is typical behaviour for him

This is for your DH to deal with. He is leaving you with this, so tell him it’s his family and parents .
So step well back and spend more time with people you want to see- other family and friends.

It's extremely unusual that a hospital don't discharge elderly patients, I'm very relived for you that they are keeping fil in and you don't have to deal with that too.

NHS winter pressures I'm surprised they are happy at him staying in hospital he needs to be discharged and supported at home with a care package that's what happened with my gran

100% this, the more you do the more they will sit back and continue treating you like crap.

I don’t think I’d be stepping foot in that house again.

i would be telling my husband that after the way I have just been treated that’s it, not lifting another finger, block the numbers on your phone and it’s now all on him to do everything

and I would mean it, he does everything

You need to take a massive step back. These people are your in-laws, who have a capable daughter and son. Why are you running yourself ragged for them? I appreciate your husband is probably working full-time and you're doing a lot to help him. However, the more you do, the less your SIL and your husband will do. You are not responsible for looking after your in-laws, especially as your SIL and BIL are living in the same house as them!! The adaptations that are required to be done to the home, so your FIL can move home, need to be done. The fact your SIL is kicking up a fuss over this is worrying. However, this is for your husband to be involving himself in, not you. Yes, of course your husband should be defending you, you're his wife. However, telling you to go to the car, may have been his way of defusing the situation.

He’ll to the F no. End this debacle right here. Both my parents are gone as well so I know your pain and kudos to u for being so lovely with pil. But no. You do realise that when pil are gone u will be expected to look after siblings. End it now

You need some space. How about to your DH, in a calm and compliant voice:
’I am so sorry I raised to the bait and, when your sister shouted at me, I shouted back. It’s best for everyone I take a step back from this situation. Here are the upcoming jobs I usually cover so you and your sister are aware. I need time to find support for myself.’
Stand firm and curious when he wants you to capitulate ‘But how would that help ME and my hurt feelings?’ or ‘Where do MY needs come into this’ or ‘I’m choosing to put our DC and myself first, it’s your choice where you put your DSis’

I understand where you’re coming from with regards to losing your parents young and seeing others treating their parents like skivvies. Neither DH or I have our parents alive and DH has also lost his sister, so he’s not got any other family members.

HOWEVER, whilst I admire you helping out your in-laws, they will never appreciate you like a real daughter because they still have their actual daughter, even if she’s a total nightmare. Blood is thicker than water with some families (not all!) and this seems to be one of them. Even your DH is treating you like a second class citizen when he’s with his obnoxious family!

I think for your own sanity, you need to step back a lot and let your DH do all the ferrying around for his parents.

He won’t appreciate all you’ve done for them until he has to shoulder the burden alone for a bit. Don’t be tempted to help him out as until he’s in the thick of it, he’ll still take you for granted as the one picking up the slack.

My DH used to be rubbish at looking after me when I was unwell but after he went through gruelling cancer treatment himself, he now totally appreciates everything I do for him. Sometimes they have to suffer a bit before they see the light!

I would apologise for losing my temper, but not my words used.
clearly explain that as you annoy them so much, you’ll be taking a step back. You love them and look forward to seeing them at Christmas for a sherry and mince pie.
Then I’d explain to my husband that he’ll be visiting his family with the children but not me going forward. It’s not negotiable and you are sad that he didn’t defend you.
Visit his Dad in hospital though, speak with him and see if he feels safe at home.

I'd just stop helping. They're not your parents. Your husband not sticking up for you after everything you do for them all is an absolute piss take. I wouldn't argue, I'd just stop. It's not your job. Let them fend for themselves.

I think an apology for losing your temper will help you feel better. I would also tell them that the reason this happened was because you have had so much on your plate and you are tired and stressed as a result. Then leave it.

sounds like they have taken you for granted for a long time. its gonna be difficult and i think they need you more than you need them, step back and concentrate on yourself and family, husband will have to step up maybe, you can't solve all of the issues and it could put a strain on your family

i disagree i think losing your temper was good as long as controlled way and not unjust or spiteful

Please don’t use food to bury your anger. You’ve given your time energy and money to support this dysfunctional bunch, don’t give your health as well. And as all PPs say, start cutting back drastically on your involvement.

First post nails it. Let them get on with it. Step back. However much you miss your parents and having family, this is not your family.

Why are you so involved with them? Step back and let your husband sort his family out. They’re not your worry.

This. DHs problem, not yours. I wouldn’t apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong. I wouldn’t be helping them either, again that’s for your husband and his sister to do, not your problem. Your DH didn’t back you up in the moment though, and I would want to discuss that and sort it out.

Stop doing things for all of them. The only people you owe anything to are your kids. Focus on them. Let them figure out their own transportation and care situation for your MiL and FIL.

Your husband should have backed you up and since he chose sides, leave the burden of the mental load with him. He will soon understand how you feel. At the end of the day MIL and FIL are not your parents, they are his.

Sometimes, these big family blow-ups can actually be the turn in the relationship that everyone needs.
I had one with my BIL about 8 years ago now, and honestly, being able to give myself permission to take a HUGE step back from dealing with him, was one of the biggest gifts I've ever been able to give myself.

Nowadays, our relationship has mellowed into one of polite civility. We have close to zero social interaction (he'll occasionally fb message me - I never initiate - and make a point to take my time replying), and keep our interactions in family get-togethers minimal.

It is OKAY to take a step back OP. There's 3 adult children who can handle this after all!

Apologise for losing your temper but spell it out like you have here, - how much you do/time you give and how little they do. From then on, leave the care to your husband and his siblings, they don’t appreciate you. Let it be a case of “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”.

They’re taking your kindness for granted. You need to make yourself and your children a priority and them less so. Your in-laws are not your responsibility. I’d let your husband know you’re pissed off with it and they all need to step up.

And no, I wouldn’t apologise and yes I would be angry with your husband too.

You don't have an in-law problem, the problem is your husband. You saying 'blood is thicker than water' to excuse his lack of support is not helpful.

Step back from your in-laws, all of them, it's not your role to run them here, there and everywhere, or to provide care/support.

You don't owe them an apology.