In-laws - should.i apologise

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Lying awake here at 2am and can't sleep as my head feels like mush.

Quick background, I'm an only child and both my parents died by cancer 10 years ago. I've since comes.to terms with this and have went on to have 2.wonderful little boys with my husband.

I admit I can feel quite resentful when I see people who still have their parents around and don't treat them properly but keep this to myself, this does actually have something to do with it.

Around 2 months ago my FIL was taken into hospital for a mind hand injury, but is still there as he is now refusing to walk and is having lots of personal issues with hygiene etc (don't want to give details as it's the messy stuff), anyway hospital have refused to release him until.his mobility is resolved and he is able to go to the bathroom etc.

The issues have always been my BIL & SIL who still stay in the family home but contribute nothing either physically or financially.

It's either myself or husband who takes MIL to all appointments, shopping etc, but mostly me.

Around a year ago I arranged for carers to go in when I was unable to, got all adaptations etc to help but the SIL refused to have them in the house, I think she may have some kind of neurological disorder but I'm immediately shot down in flames if it's ever mentioned she's not perfect

Anyway, fast forward to last week and it was my birthday, not a special one and tbh I'm at an age now I'm not fussed at all, but we've been trying to get out youngest son's bedroom decorated in between daily hospital.visits, general running around etc and getting organised for Christmas. MIL texted to say cards where be picked up and I explained how busy we are, (side note, we have no outside support, so no childcare etc and anything we have to do needs to be done on the 2 days my youngest is at nursery.

Spent the week decorating, getting organised for Christmas etc and the texts were getting more cheeky,.oh you'll get presents at Christmas, don't you want them etc, replied in good humour, of course I do, just busy, pop in asap.

Finally on Sunday husband had a day off and thought we'd pop in. As soon as I walked in the front door it started, you could tell the atmosphere was full.of tension, I did say oh you know where we live you could have came up, to which I was told they wouldn't.pay for a taxi, (because either myself or husband takes them wherever they need to go most of the time), MIL replied oh does that mean youre never coming in my house again...I was thinking WTF ???

The boys and I had made cakes and had taken them so I went to the kitchen and thought just eat a cake, that way you won't say anything .

Heard SIL muttering about how I've not to.open.the cards or presents in there I've to do it in my own house. Put more cake in my gob at this point.

Next thing SIL starts this shouting match with her mum and brothers and bringing me into it saying how I said they've to get a taxi to the hospital (I've never said such a thing, albeit I think she should.pay for a taxi for her mother when she visits.once a week, SIL that is)

Anyway I lost it I admit, I got up and said I was going to the car I wasn't listening to this crap. SIL got up in my face screaming at me, so I screamed back.eayint my parents where dead, when was only being asked to visit a hospital,.I wanted to say more,.but quickly.tried to re-group

This is what I'm really pissed off at, husband tells me to get out, which I'm still trying to do at this point, and now I'm all the baddies

So please tell me, should I apologise for defending myself and I should.add I'm still pissed off with husband, but I guess blood is thicker than water, I just thought I meant more

Thanks for reading X X

Isnt it typical? You help out of a good heart and than beeing taken advantage of and treated as if its your duty.
At least you know now. They will struggle without you. So they will come to you.
Dont you go there appologizing! Enjoy the peace and quiet with your kids.
And hubby needs a good lecture and he should appologize to you

The day I decided I was no longer visiting ils was very liberating...
Some time to myself. And dh got to manage his own dps and his own dc alone
. As all men should be able to..
And you can manage your own mh. And find some decent people to hang out with.
I am very particular who gets my spare time.... You should be too.

Id add in that you will no longer help them until everyone apologises (including DH) because why should you when they A. Do not appreciate you and B. Do not respect you. They soon realise who's been doing all the leg work.

it all sounds very stressful.
Tell your DH that in the interests of peace, you will step back (so as not to provoke SIL) and he and his sibling can arrange things with/for his parents.

And then you enjoy the peace.

FFS, stop being at your MIL's beck and call and catering to your useless SIL.

Seriously. Step back.

I'm sorry your own parents are long gone, but martyring yourself to this lot is only going to wear you down.

Greetings original commenter
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this
I don't have much guidance but immense compassionate empathy
The sarcasm from your mil seems like she's got this attitude towards you because she knows you're a kind soul, vulnerable without your own divine parents & therefore she senses you'll tolerate this unfairness 😢
I wish I knew how to advise you but it seems you've done absolutely nothing wrong just been supremely supportive & Your kindness has been took advantage of
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best sincere soul 💚🙏💚

Well if DH told you to get out and you did so, then I suggest you leave him to deal with his parents and siblings from now on. Oh, and stop bothering with decorating when you have so much other stuff going on, leave it or pay someone to do it.
And finally, from experience, after several weeks in hospital it is highly likely that FIL's mobility will not improve hugely, especially if he is not motivated to do even basic exercises.

The end.
Stop engaging with them. It's your DHs family. He can do all the talking, running around, taking the snidey comments etc etc.
Time for you to 'be busy' and let them know politely to direct everything to your husband.
In my opinion, you were already the bad cop (way before you snapped). They are absolutely disrespecting you and exploiting your kind giving nature.
Let them all get on with it and stay well out.

Gosh the numerous posts on women literally being treated as the servant because they married the golden child of the mother OR the quiet one of the family…is scary.

You don’t have to apologies and you certainly don’t have to nothing at this point.

There’s a book called Let Them .. and a video on YouTube .. I hope this can help you
this lady is very wise and was on the Chris Evans radio show a few months ago … when I’m totally peed off with family / people in general it really helps to hear this lady talk her thing .. really can help to get some clarity in the head of a person who constantly worries ( like I do ) about in-laws behaviours family and friends etc … get some support even professional support if you need to … don’t suffer this alone best wishes

Tell your husband you will apologise for losing your temper but not what you said. Point out that as they are obviously so unhappy with you then it’s best that he deal with it from now on .
None of them are going to change so why waste time trying to do your best . It will never be appreciate and you need to spend time with your immediate family .

Fuck that, let your DH deal with it all from now on. Like fuck would I be running around with two kids doing everything at home and then dealing with in-laws also while SIL etc sit on their arses doing sweet FA. Stop carrying people’s moneys, step back and let DH deal.

It's your husband's family. I'd let him deal with it. Walk away as much as possible & let them realise exactly how much you do for them. You've got children, & they should be your priority, not those who abuse your effort.
Good luck with your husband. He needs a wake up call about who you are, & what you're prepared to do for his ungrateful family. His blood, not yours. 👍🏻

Bottom line.

Your husband's problem to deal with.

If he doesn't like it, tough.

I'm an apologiser if I have done wrong. But in this instance I wouldn't.. because it is more interaction...and adding more fuel (emotions etc) to the fire. Gray rock time. And enjoy living your life.

Please don't abandon your father-in-Law. Go to see him in hospital when you know others won't be there. See if you can discover why he doesn't want to go home. Tell that twit you are married to get his priorities right. Remember Friends are the relatives you choose for yourself, you don't need your In-Laws.

They're not your family, they're his. Let him do the running & managing etc..steer clear of the drama.

Well done OP, drop that rope.
Do not apologise.
Do not go near that awful house.
Such rough people.
Tell your husband you will no longer be involved.

With people like this it is utter thankless to be involved.

I would have told my husband to fuck off and stsy with those nutters.

Do not apologize. You really have nothing to apologize for and I feel bad that you think you do. It shows you are a kind and respectful person but I don’t think your apology will be well received and it would signal that you are now ready to ‘behave and do their bidding’. Take a step back from all the doings. That will not be well received either but you need to stand your ground and stand up for you.
It would take awhile for everyone to understand that you are no longer available be used but they will get it eventually if you don’t send mixed signals. All the best and lots of hugs cos I have been down this road and I know you may even second guess yourself as to whether you are doing the right thing by stepping back. You are.

Perfect response.
By all means apologize for losing your cool if that makes you feel better but do not put yourself out for them ever again.

No. At the moment I am dealing with a MIL and FIL we are having to bail out of a difficult situation by buying them a property to live in…. I keep getting blindsided by requests (the house needs full renovation) of what she wants in the new house… that’s great but it MY money she’s trying to spend. I was polite but drew a line the other day (and when she got a bit much shot husband a look and he intervened) and now she’s tried to tell my husband I need to be ‘softer’ with her. To which he told her I was plenty soft given she is taking liberties with my money, I am very thankful he has my back, but I know he feels terribly guilty about what I am having to step in and do here.

Bloody cheeky woman has the audacity to then tell him that ‘she knows what increases the value of a property’ (bear in mind I have worked in property for 25 years and they are in this mess because of her over development of a previous property).

We have to move them Thursday/Friday this week to one of my mothers rentals for the time being (thank God for my mother too hey!) and I am going to have to grey rock like a champion!!!!!

As such I completely and utterly feel your pain and, whilst I would probably apologise if I had lost my temper, that would be the only thing I would apologise for, so it would go ‘I am sorry I lost my temper, I should not have shouted, however, this is where I stand and how I feel’ and laid it out bluntly and then leave them to do what they will with that. Yous re entitled to your own thoughts, feelings and opinions and to express them.

Would it not be considered elder abuse to not let the dad have the adaptations he needs? I would speak to social services. They are your family too and have been since you were married, and lots of people in my family would have been far worse off without in-law help. If my children marry, I hope they will love and respect their partner's parents as much as me, and I will always aim to treat their partners equally.
The mum should not have shouted at you. It might be that she is very stressed and upset, but that is not excuse, and I hope she apologises.

No I wouldn’t apologise at all, infact id use the opportunity to a ) distance yourself b) set some much needed boundaries c) let every other bugger pick up the slack including the lazy SIL!

'have to buy them a house'....no! nobody 'has to buy someone a house'. Once you are convinced it's your duty to buy someone a house they have u hook line and sinker. Bloody 'ell.