In-laws - should.i apologise

[Brendy76]

Lying awake here at 2am and can't sleep as my head feels like mush.

Quick background, I'm an only child and both my parents died by cancer 10 years ago. I've since comes.to terms with this and have went on to have 2.wonderful little boys with my husband.

I admit I can feel quite resentful when I see people who still have their parents around and don't treat them properly but keep this to myself, this does actually have something to do with it.

Around 2 months ago my FIL was taken into hospital for a mind hand injury, but is still there as he is now refusing to walk and is having lots of personal issues with hygiene etc (don't want to give details as it's the messy stuff), anyway hospital have refused to release him until.his mobility is resolved and he is able to go to the bathroom etc.

The issues have always been my BIL & SIL who still stay in the family home but contribute nothing either physically or financially.

It's either myself or husband who takes MIL to all appointments, shopping etc, but mostly me.

Around a year ago I arranged for carers to go in when I was unable to, got all adaptations etc to help but the SIL refused to have them in the house, I think she may have some kind of neurological disorder but I'm immediately shot down in flames if it's ever mentioned she's not perfect

Anyway, fast forward to last week and it was my birthday, not a special one and tbh I'm at an age now I'm not fussed at all, but we've been trying to get out youngest son's bedroom decorated in between daily hospital.visits, general running around etc and getting organised for Christmas. MIL texted to say cards where be picked up and I explained how busy we are, (side note, we have no outside support, so no childcare etc and anything we have to do needs to be done on the 2 days my youngest is at nursery.

Spent the week decorating, getting organised for Christmas etc and the texts were getting more cheeky,.oh you'll get presents at Christmas, don't you want them etc, replied in good humour, of course I do, just busy, pop in asap.

Finally on Sunday husband had a day off and thought we'd pop in. As soon as I walked in the front door it started, you could tell the atmosphere was full.of tension, I did say oh you know where we live you could have came up, to which I was told they wouldn't.pay for a taxi, (because either myself or husband takes them wherever they need to go most of the time), MIL replied oh does that mean youre never coming in my house again...I was thinking WTF ???

The boys and I had made cakes and had taken them so I went to the kitchen and thought just eat a cake, that way you won't say anything .

Heard SIL muttering about how I've not to.open.the cards or presents in there I've to do it in my own house. Put more cake in my gob at this point.

Next thing SIL starts this shouting match with her mum and brothers and bringing me into it saying how I said they've to get a taxi to the hospital (I've never said such a thing, albeit I think she should.pay for a taxi for her mother when she visits.once a week, SIL that is)

Anyway I lost it I admit, I got up and said I was going to the car I wasn't listening to this crap. SIL got up in my face screaming at me, so I screamed back.eayint my parents where dead, when was only being asked to visit a hospital,.I wanted to say more,.but quickly.tried to re-group

This is what I'm really pissed off at, husband tells me to get out, which I'm still trying to do at this point, and now I'm all the baddies

So please tell me, should I apologise for defending myself and I should.add I'm still pissed off with husband, but I guess blood is thicker than water, I just thought I meant more

Thanks for reading X X

I think you need to have serious talk with your husband about a) you being landed with all of this in the first place and b) him failing to stick up for you when they treat you so badly. My mum does a lot for her inlaws and I know if they were behaving like this both me and my father would have a lot to say about it. He should be defending you, absolutely.

Personally I think if you apologise, people like this are likely to take that as an admission you were completely in the wrong, so I probably wouldn't. And yes, tell your husband it's all on him now.

I think you need to distance yourself with regards to all the running around you do. Let your husband do it they are his parents and he can deal with BIL and SIL.

As for blood being thicker than water, no one should come before his wife and kids imo

The whole situation sounds bizarre. But how can you possibly be using getting organised for Christmas as a reason for anything in November?!

Yes, apologise for losing your temper and also thank them for their gift.

Do not apologise or say thank you under any circumstances. They've had their run of being disgusting and using you and now they've got some payback. Your mil is disgusting as well allowing your sil to speak so disrespectfully towards you and your husband is weak and pathetic too! Stop allowing yourself to be used and abused.

With respect, this is the last thing the OP should be bringing up. You're not wrong but this family have made it very clear that it's not her place to interfere with how they manage their affairs only to act like an unpaid chauffeur. When there is this level of disfunction in a family, the members involved will go into overdrive to protect/excuse the existing dynamic and any challenge to that is looked upon as a direct attack.

The OP's best bet is to take a giant step back. Be pleasant to her husband's mother when she comes round, avoid her sil altogether and be to busy to be of any help to mil except in a dire emergency.

Take this opportunity to step back.
Go underground for a bit.
maybe apologise to your husband for losing it, but it’s only because his family have broken you.
Your husband starts a timetable of needed help, and your husband and his siblings divvy out tasks between them.

You say your FIL was admitted for a minor hand injury in a rather dismissive way. But clearly there is far more than this that is wrong. You say he is refusing to walk. I doubt that. And concede nursing staff are not happy to release him. Trust me, if hospitals can get you out of bed and home they will.
He is too unwell which is why he is not released. There is a lot more wrong with him.
As to hygiene, a hospital would and should keep him in a hygienic state. Unless he is pulling his pants down all the time.
In any event they may well decide he should be referred from hospital to a care home.

In another part of your post you say you suspect your SIL has some problems. But that if ever you have said she isn't perfect you get shot down in flames.
How many times has this been said ? How has it been said ? And why ?
Nobody is perfect by the way. Including you.

You admit to being resentful of people who do have parents who are still alive. This is honest. And I suspect as a result you expect people to behave in certain ways where parents are concerned.

You drive your MIL. And mention how your SIL didn't want people turning up to care or fit adaptations. Did she know they were coming ?

Your in laws are under strain. And no, not behaving well. But nobody is.

When someone becomes ill and elderly fear sets in. Who picks up the caring ?
And often one person in a family can find they deal with the majority of things from admin to carers. It can be like a job. It can be exhausting. And everyone else expects you to get on with it. It is a hat put on your head. And a hard one to wear.

A little time is needed for everyone to calm down. I suspect the hospital will determine what happens to your FIL.
I think you have been shocked by your losing your temper.
As to driving MIL, perhaps your husband can do this instead now.
Are there no buses at all ? Routes to hospitals in particular are often very well serviced by buses.

I wish you all well.

Why on earth are you doing this? They've got two DC who live with them, plus a third - who is your DH, not you. Let the three of them work the care plan out between them and just stop doing it.

SIL refusing to let carers in is an adult safeguarding issue. Particularly if you also step away and let them get on with it themselves (as you should).

The hospital should make sure FIL has appropriate care before discharging him and hopefully they'll pick up on this then... but it is probably worth calling adult social care. Particularly if MIL also needs care that SIL and BIL don't provide.

Yup, if your DH can’t even defend you in this instance it’s absolutely time to leave all the dealing with IL’s to him. He can run around doing hospital stuff and you can focus on your children and your own home life. He’s not valuing all the work and effort you put in and othering you in his family home. Leave him to clean the messes now.

Step away from the shit.
💩
it’s not your problem.

From now on, let your husband deal with his parents.

This^ and i would tell the hospital that too, about your concerns about her having learning or mental health issues, your voncerns about her preventing carers coming in, a d your difficulties with providing said support as you have kids etc etc. I would step away , because the moment you step in and don't let it "get bad" they'll step away and let you do it. Raise your concerns with the hospital. Ask to do it anonymously if necessary and suggest they might need an adult social worker.

Don't do anymore for them !!!
Piss takers
And your husband he needs to apologise because not has he not supported you he e has put you in his position letting you do the lions share of care their his parents let him do it !!!! X

Agree with others, it's time to take a step back and let them get on with it. If you get on well with FIL, by all means go visit but stop with hospital runs, taking on any of the care and the shopping etc.. This is not your responsibility. Your in-laws are a clear case of give an inch and they take a mile. You're not being appreciated, they have a clear case of takingthepissitus.

As others have said- time to take step back. Your DH needs to take the lead in all dealings with his family. They are taking advantage of the fact you no longer have parents of your own - which must be very hard and I was sorry to read that.
You need to say to DH that you felt unsupported in the situation and while you regret losing your temper, you are no longer willing to be taken for granted and will not be returning to their house , giving any lifts or helping in any ways until SIL has apologised for her behaviour to you.
Focus on your home and your children.

Tbh I would be dropping the lot of them. It's your h's place to do something if anything to help. I would step back completely, h doesn't like it? Then I would consider my future with him as well. He and his gobby sister should be helping morally but they don't have to and certainly not you.
With the best will in the world inlaws will never replace your parents and these two seem to take the piss anyway.

The hospital will have a care plan in place if and when he leaves.
This will likely be Local Authority carers or self paid for carers. A contract would have had to be signed for self pay. Local authority carers would not turn up without an agreement in place. They barely turn up with one. And would feed back if refused entry.
If he goes into a care home Adult Social services will be involved. As a norm.
Adaptation needs are assessed by the hospital. A visit takes place. And again, if refused entry this would have been fed back to the hospital/ adult social care.
Daily living aids purchased online are an entirely different matter that require no formal assessment.
We do not know the ages of the SIL and BIL.
No harm in contacting Adult Social care. But be careful about diagnosing any members of the family with conditions if reality is unknown.

The blood is thicker than water is bollocks, there is a reason for the saying 'You can choose your friends but not your enemies' that applies to family too. Some family members are shit and you owe then nothing even if you share genetics.

Back away and don’t return.

Does sil not work/drive? No idea why you’re running round after in-laws when they have 2 adults living with them.

As per pp, drop the rope. Why is your dh having a pop at you for getting defensive? Let him deal with the craziness.

Not everyone can drive. She may never have had enough money to learn.
She may be too young. And if, as OP suggests she has a neurological problem, legally might not be able to learn.
I am surprised there are no buses though.

Stop doing anything for these ungrateful fucks!!!

You are not their family convenience, a domestic appliance or slave.
Your husband should be ashamed of himself and should be backing you all the way.
Don’t do anything for them ever again.
They need to sort their own shit out. That’s all on them, if they fail don’t give it another thought.
You can’t control them or their behaviour so thoroughly distance yourself.

‘Let them’.

Oh, @Brendy76 please do what others say and just wash your hands of your in-laws.

However, the big problem you have - as is seen far too often on Mumsnet - is your (not D) H. I really hope that this was very unusual behaviour from your husband, and that he has always backed you up in front of other people before now? Sometimes we might say or do something really unacceptable, in which case our partners should still treat us with respect and kindness - as we would them - even if they do have to say something like "sorry name, but I can't agree with you on this one, lets leave this subject (or whatever) for now", and then both can discuss it later at home after they have had a chance to calm down.

But, Brendy, the above was not one of the very few - if any - occassions when your partner had a valid reason to not back you up in publc. What he said to you was appalling, he let you down big time! If that was a very unusual circumstance, then maybe you can have a proper discussion with him about it, if you are both willing to do so, and at a time that means you are unlikely to be disturbed. However, if he has behaved like that more than once in a chequered blue moon, then you might benefit in seeing a counsellor for yourself, and possibly a joint relationship counsellor for the two of you - if he agrees - and if you think that your marriage is worth trying to save. I wish you the very best of outcomes, Brendy 💐