In-laws - should.i apologise

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Lying awake here at 2am and can't sleep as my head feels like mush.

Quick background, I'm an only child and both my parents died by cancer 10 years ago. I've since comes.to terms with this and have went on to have 2.wonderful little boys with my husband.

I admit I can feel quite resentful when I see people who still have their parents around and don't treat them properly but keep this to myself, this does actually have something to do with it.

Around 2 months ago my FIL was taken into hospital for a mind hand injury, but is still there as he is now refusing to walk and is having lots of personal issues with hygiene etc (don't want to give details as it's the messy stuff), anyway hospital have refused to release him until.his mobility is resolved and he is able to go to the bathroom etc.

The issues have always been my BIL & SIL who still stay in the family home but contribute nothing either physically or financially.

It's either myself or husband who takes MIL to all appointments, shopping etc, but mostly me.

Around a year ago I arranged for carers to go in when I was unable to, got all adaptations etc to help but the SIL refused to have them in the house, I think she may have some kind of neurological disorder but I'm immediately shot down in flames if it's ever mentioned she's not perfect

Anyway, fast forward to last week and it was my birthday, not a special one and tbh I'm at an age now I'm not fussed at all, but we've been trying to get out youngest son's bedroom decorated in between daily hospital.visits, general running around etc and getting organised for Christmas. MIL texted to say cards where be picked up and I explained how busy we are, (side note, we have no outside support, so no childcare etc and anything we have to do needs to be done on the 2 days my youngest is at nursery.

Spent the week decorating, getting organised for Christmas etc and the texts were getting more cheeky,.oh you'll get presents at Christmas, don't you want them etc, replied in good humour, of course I do, just busy, pop in asap.

Finally on Sunday husband had a day off and thought we'd pop in. As soon as I walked in the front door it started, you could tell the atmosphere was full.of tension, I did say oh you know where we live you could have came up, to which I was told they wouldn't.pay for a taxi, (because either myself or husband takes them wherever they need to go most of the time), MIL replied oh does that mean youre never coming in my house again...I was thinking WTF ???

The boys and I had made cakes and had taken them so I went to the kitchen and thought just eat a cake, that way you won't say anything .

Heard SIL muttering about how I've not to.open.the cards or presents in there I've to do it in my own house. Put more cake in my gob at this point.

Next thing SIL starts this shouting match with her mum and brothers and bringing me into it saying how I said they've to get a taxi to the hospital (I've never said such a thing, albeit I think she should.pay for a taxi for her mother when she visits.once a week, SIL that is)

Anyway I lost it I admit, I got up and said I was going to the car I wasn't listening to this crap. SIL got up in my face screaming at me, so I screamed back.eayint my parents where dead, when was only being asked to visit a hospital,.I wanted to say more,.but quickly.tried to re-group

This is what I'm really pissed off at, husband tells me to get out, which I'm still trying to do at this point, and now I'm all the baddies

So please tell me, should I apologise for defending myself and I should.add I'm still pissed off with husband, but I guess blood is thicker than water, I just thought I meant more

Thanks for reading X X

As others have said, they’re using you and now abusing you. Sounds like you’ve been really supportive to them, they’ve become expectant now rather than grateful, so cut them off for a bit, see them get angry then reality will kick in that they’re the entitled fuckers who will now have to pay their way!

Gosh op that sounds horrendous, I can’t fathom af all how your husband didn’t take your side, all the stuff you do for them, how kind you are,what you’ve been through. They are all just lazy nasty bullies. They probably struggle with just how good a person you are and feel guilty.

i agree with the others, you need to step back, but id speak to your husband, he knows how fabulous you are, but if he’s forgotten, just tell him like you’ve told us. Show him the thread. It will,also show him how awful his family are.

The SIL may be the catalyst for a lot of the problems.

Agree with the others who say take a step back and your husband not being supportive is a major issue. Ideally your husband needs to set boundaries and keep them.

Be superficially charming going forward, but keep them at arms length. Not sure re apologies, as with the way they sound they may just use it to heap all the blame on you.

Spend the time you were used by them to do nice things with DC and some yoga. You will feel better and have a bunch of nice memories with DC.

I am not being judgemental re your husband, my husband is a useless wet lettuce when it comes to his family. SIL has never left home or had treatment for diagnosed MH issues. I hate going there knowing there will be explosions from SIL. DC say the same as they are older. My husband will desperately defend her, even if it means venomous attacks on me and DC (yes I want to divorce him, but the fear of shared custody keeps me trapped).

Losing your temper wasn't ideal, but who could blame you.

PP are right - you don't get anything right according to that ungrateful lot so now you're leaving his family to DH to deal with. No more helping, lifts, or generally putting yourself out.

Your DH is an issue though. I hope you can clear the air.

I have no intention of asking my children to care for me when the time comes. I didn’t have them to look after me in my old age. A couple of years ago my car was stolen and I was a few months without a car so I used a taxi or the bus. My daughter lives over an hour away but she kindly came over for the day to take me to the hairdressers which is in the next town. I would never have asked her because she has two young children to look after. My parents are also dead and I never had to be their carers but if they had asked I would have been. I think older people can be very selfish and I will never be like that hopefully.

I’d call social services as the sil is not allowing adaptations necessary also it should not be her call as it’s not her house

I’m guessing there a cultural expectations ?

your husband should be doing everything for his parents and he needs to organise a tota between him and his sister fuu or r support

if you want to keep the peace apologise for a small part like raising your voice and say “ aggression and shouting is unacceptable “ so she know it is for her two

Not directly on point, but I hope your PILs have Powers of Attorney in place, preferably naming your husband? It sounds like it could be necessary soon.

Around 2 months ago my FIL was taken into hospital for a mind hand injury, but is still there as he is now refusing to walk and is having lots of personal issues with hygiene etc (don't want to give details as it's the messy stuff), anyway hospital have refused to release him until.his mobility is resolved and he is able to go to the bathroom etc
I lost the plot at this point. What on earth is going on with FIL? As for the rest, it sounds bonkers.

Leave them to it. Not sure if it’s me or two cars but do not alter your plans or put yourself out for them anymore.

DH can take them if the car is free and if not they can sort a taxi or a bus!

no more daily visits either

the usual is happening where enabled people start to lose their crutches and begin lashing out

Leave them to it - you’ve been told to get out so take them (H?) at their word.
You sound like you’ve enough to deal with in your own life. Concentrate on your own H and sons and leave the rest to H, BIL,SIL and don’t let anyone guilt trip you.
You’ll be a lot happier.

I’d apologise if you think that will smooth things over. I know others will disagree, but they’re words, who knows if you mean it or not. Then, I’d go for maximum distance, not your circus, not your hi-wire act.

The bit that affected me the most was your husband not supporting you. Inlaws can be crap but we don't choose them - he needs to have your back I hope he comes around when he calms down and see this and apologises.

Lower your expectations for your inlaws - fill you life with friends who value you. I am sorry about your parents.

Obviously, definitely don't apologise and then have nothing more to do with them, forever.

Your husband treated you like absolute shit over this btw.

They are not your parents nor siblings. Tmyour husband should have stuck up for you. You need to pull back and stop helping. Leave it to your husband and his family from now on. You can still visit fil if you want to, once a week. Don't bother going to their house again.

Another person here saying drop the rope. I would apologise along the lines of you're sorry you've caused upset and (to your husband) you realise you were getting too entangled in his family's business, you're going to take a step back now as on reflection you believe it's the right thing to do. Then stick to it. When in the name of god would you be doing more run around for FIL than his own offspring. Why wouldn't those who live with him do more to care for him. Prepare for upset and resentment all round and stay firm. Reduce contact significantly and find connection with friends, this family is not good for you.

And again, definitely no apology of any kind, unless your middle names are "Doormat with Bootprints on my Forehead'

The only apology needed in this scenario is to you from your DH. How dare he humiliate you like that. I would be raging.

I agree with everyone else. You need to step back. It's too much. You have gone above and beyond but where is the appreciation and acknowledgement? His family have shown who they really are .....

Firstly I’m sorry for the loss of your parents. I’m guessing you were quite young when this happened (and they were relatively young) and you were close as you say that you get upset when people don’t treat their parents right.

I wouldn’t apologise and I would be extremely upset with my husband in your position. Regarding your in laws house and carers, who would be paying for this? If it’s them, that would mean less inheritance. I wonder if that might be part of it. Many people are reluctant to have paid carers and expect family to pitch in.

Until fairly recently I was carer for my mum. We got on reasonably well when younger but it was never the easy relationship outsiders might have thought it was. She was a difficult woman with a difficult past. The care home staff quickly picked it up in our relationship. She had a miserable time really and she made the last few years utterly miserable for me, at times being abusive (even in the last days of her life as I couldn’t do as I was told). I came to dread every single day. Caring for elderly parents is really hard, it made me ill, turned me into someone I didn’t recognise and I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover. I was happy for her to use her savings for care, she wasn’t, she believed she was managing.

In your position, I would step back and leave them to it. They can make their decisions and you can make yours. I wonder if it would be worth you exploring those feelings around “others not treating their parents right” though as I think it’s colouring your perception of them. They just don’t sound very nice with an awful dynamic.

Don’t apologise and don’t offer to help any more. They think so little of you so let them see how much you really do.
You sound lovely, so please don’t let them destroy you.

Step back now. It’s ALL on them

I’m sorry OP. You sound like a wonderful daughter in law to me and sad that is not being recognised by them. Sending a hug x

None of this is your job, stop helping and concentrate on your own family

DH can deal with them from now on.

It’s your husband's problem to solve. In his shoes, l would call social services and explain what’s happening because it seems as though there’s some abuse involved here if SiL is stopping PiL’s home from being adapted to suit their needs. It’s not her home, and not her decision. Ask for a care assessment and make sure SS are aware of all the facts.

It sounds like FiL’s needs have changed since his hospital admission, and the hospital won’t release him without a safe environment for him to go to, so at some point the hospital social worker and other services will be involved. There will be home visits from hospital OT services to make sure he has everything he needs and to make recommendations for adaptations. A care assessment will recommend a care package and a financial assessment will follow, so your BIL and SIL will likely find the matter taken out of their hands, as they have no claim on the property.

Some families really do enfold partners. DH is now named on my parents power of attorney, my parents have known him since I was 20 and we're in our 50s now.
My in-laws however are not like that, I am not their family, I am as relevant to them as a long term neighbour. I find it weird and hurtful. Clearly in my 20s I thought I was building towards a different relationship, when we had children I thought it would thaw. Now 30 years on it's colder than ever. It's not the type of family I wanted.

I have to say, a lot of the distance is caused by BIL and SIL being competitive with their parents attention.

I would back off and build a family through friendships, that can be epicly strong.