In-laws - should.i apologise

[Brendy76]

Lying awake here at 2am and can't sleep as my head feels like mush.

Quick background, I'm an only child and both my parents died by cancer 10 years ago. I've since comes.to terms with this and have went on to have 2.wonderful little boys with my husband.

I admit I can feel quite resentful when I see people who still have their parents around and don't treat them properly but keep this to myself, this does actually have something to do with it.

Around 2 months ago my FIL was taken into hospital for a mind hand injury, but is still there as he is now refusing to walk and is having lots of personal issues with hygiene etc (don't want to give details as it's the messy stuff), anyway hospital have refused to release him until.his mobility is resolved and he is able to go to the bathroom etc.

The issues have always been my BIL & SIL who still stay in the family home but contribute nothing either physically or financially.

It's either myself or husband who takes MIL to all appointments, shopping etc, but mostly me.

Around a year ago I arranged for carers to go in when I was unable to, got all adaptations etc to help but the SIL refused to have them in the house, I think she may have some kind of neurological disorder but I'm immediately shot down in flames if it's ever mentioned she's not perfect

Anyway, fast forward to last week and it was my birthday, not a special one and tbh I'm at an age now I'm not fussed at all, but we've been trying to get out youngest son's bedroom decorated in between daily hospital.visits, general running around etc and getting organised for Christmas. MIL texted to say cards where be picked up and I explained how busy we are, (side note, we have no outside support, so no childcare etc and anything we have to do needs to be done on the 2 days my youngest is at nursery.

Spent the week decorating, getting organised for Christmas etc and the texts were getting more cheeky,.oh you'll get presents at Christmas, don't you want them etc, replied in good humour, of course I do, just busy, pop in asap.

Finally on Sunday husband had a day off and thought we'd pop in. As soon as I walked in the front door it started, you could tell the atmosphere was full.of tension, I did say oh you know where we live you could have came up, to which I was told they wouldn't.pay for a taxi, (because either myself or husband takes them wherever they need to go most of the time), MIL replied oh does that mean youre never coming in my house again...I was thinking WTF ???

The boys and I had made cakes and had taken them so I went to the kitchen and thought just eat a cake, that way you won't say anything .

Heard SIL muttering about how I've not to.open.the cards or presents in there I've to do it in my own house. Put more cake in my gob at this point.

Next thing SIL starts this shouting match with her mum and brothers and bringing me into it saying how I said they've to get a taxi to the hospital (I've never said such a thing, albeit I think she should.pay for a taxi for her mother when she visits.once a week, SIL that is)

Anyway I lost it I admit, I got up and said I was going to the car I wasn't listening to this crap. SIL got up in my face screaming at me, so I screamed back.eayint my parents where dead, when was only being asked to visit a hospital,.I wanted to say more,.but quickly.tried to re-group

This is what I'm really pissed off at, husband tells me to get out, which I'm still trying to do at this point, and now I'm all the baddies

So please tell me, should I apologise for defending myself and I should.add I'm still pissed off with husband, but I guess blood is thicker than water, I just thought I meant more

Thanks for reading X X

@Brendy76 I had problems with my in-laws for years, the only reason I don't now is because one has dementia and the other was so pleased I had a son to pass on his family surname 🙄
Mil shouted at me years ago because I told fil to stop winding me up (a "trick" he used to like to do). Long story short, I ended up backing down and was sobbing. Who did my husband stick up for? You guessed it. I was then expected to go on holiday for a week with his family and pretend nothing was wrong.
It took a few years and his friends telling him he was a dick for husband to realise that he had in fact been a dick. By then I couldn't care less what his family thought of me.
Stick to your guns, it sounds as though you've done more than your fare share. Make sure you aren't available to help in future. And maybe even let himself take your kids round to their house for their presents in future.

You are not in the wrong. Step completely back from this situation. You have done so much for them that it has become completely expected of you. Your husband can do it from now on.

This is great advice. Leave them to it, your husband and his family don’t appreciate your help so step back. Let them sort it out themselves.

Apologise you lost your temper, you’re quite obviously very tired and stressed so you will be stepping back and your husband and siblings will be stepping up the care.
By the sounds of it there’s more to your fil not coming home if they won’t do anything to facilitate his care.
Don’t back down and don’t let them guilt trip you. They are taking advantage of you.
Talk to your husband about how disappointed you are in him not backing you up.💐

This.

Take a step back from being the first one to run around at everyone's beck and call.

This event may/may not have cleared the air but how the whole situation develops depends, to an extent, on you and how you choose to move forward. (and their reaction to this.)

There needs to be more asking, more pleases and thank yous. You've been good and generous but its now looks like you've been treated as a doormat.

Having poorly ailing parents takes its toll. It tiring. (11 years, 2 deaths, carers, hospitals, 1 care home, 1000s of miles and counting)

Honestly, stop doing anything for them at all. It’s not your responsibility, it’s not even your husbands. If your husband won’t have your back and support you, drop him too.

A lovely, compassionate post. I agree wholeheartedly with this.

Enmeshed situations like these can so quickly feel so normal to us that we sometimes don't realise how far from a loving, healthy dynamic they truly are. It tends to take a lightbulb moment for this realization to sink in. This has now happened with your eventual loss of temper, which as far as I can see had been brewing for some time and was probably long overdue. I also agree with the many posters who suggest that apologising in these circumstances probably isn't a good idea. You've stepped outside your box, and any tool you offer them to put you straight back into it will be seized upon straightaway by people who take liberties like these. It's in their interests that the situation continues precisely as it is; it certainly isn't in yours.

It's rare on MN that any thread offers a majority let alone consensus opinion. Conversely, in the interests of 'be kind', sometimes this site is very good at volunteering other women's time, attention and emotional labour as belonging to others by right. Given that is far from what's happened with this thread, I hope it sets you thinking, @Brendy76, about the state of your in-laws' family dynamic and about putting some much-needed self-preservation measures in place.

I'm sorry about the early loss of your parents and admire your frankness in admitting that this has sometimes caused resentment in you. I also lost my parents at a fairly young age and completely relate to your feelings. It's a cliche, I know, but time and therapy can be great healers and have been very helpful to me 💐

This ☝️ 💯 👏
STOP. JUST BLOODY STOP.
Do SWEET FUCK ALL for his family from now on.

You have your own little family to think about. 💕 you should be getting support with your own family, not killing yourself /spreading yourself thin, trying to help others. My parents are both no longer with us and it's hard, but even in laws can take advantage of kindness. So don't let them. I was the same, but they are not my parents, they are his.
SO JUST STOP. ✋️

Your SIL can sort out her parents and their issues. It is not up to you.
She is probably a bit jealous that you have stepped up to sort everything.
So take a MASSIVE STEP BACK. ✋️
You are worth more and are needed for your own kids.
Do not listen to sob stories or do any favours. Let DH sort his side of the family out. 💯 STOP doing the grunt work.

Me personally I wouldn't even visit the house for a while, and I certainly wouldn't be using my car on my days off to do errands /appointment for them.
FUCK THAT. 👎

Edited to say, you should NOT apologise and you need to have words with you hubby, as he didn't sound like he backed you up at all, which IS a problem. 🚩
Hugs to you 🫂 @Brendy76

I am so sorry this has happened.
I could have written the same post as this a year ago.
People do not understand how it feels to have lost parents.
I would take a step back , concentrate on you and your children , you can have the conversation with your husband after Christmas but I would be cool with him but pleasant, to give yourself time to reflect on the situation that was not your fault. Your husband was out of order.
Just organise yourself and children and do not put any pressure on yourself , they sound absolutely awful and have no idea what it is like to work , have kids and arrange everything without help , you feel like you are just treading water most of the time.
Spend any time you have spare thinking of your needs and do not apologise.

It's either myself or husband who takes MIL to all appointments, shopping etc, but mostly me.

Just stop. Why are you doing all of these lifts when they have three children of their own.

They probably won't ask you any more after that.

They probably will ask your husband though. Will he do the shopping/lifts/appointments? Will he expect you to? If so, that's more of an issue.

Can the other two siblings drive?

100% back right off.

drop the rope and leave your H and his siblings to manage it ALL!

ungrateful and lazy bastards the lot of them

Apologise for losing your temper and shouting but explain how you felt. Tell them you’re going to let (insert husband’s name) take the lead on such things going fwd as you seem to be getting it wrong

Lots of good posts along these lines. I know it's tempting to say that you have nothing to apologise for, but with a family like this, I think that clearing the decks in a calm and studied way is helpful. And following it with "I seem to be getting it wrong so it's best that I leave this to DH" is perfect.

I had never heard of nacho parenting, so just googled it and it was insightful.
Thank you 😇

Don’t apologise what’s the worst that can happen? If they stop speaking to you or refuse to let you in the house that is a huge win for you- you get to stop being their slave.

Thank you everyone, I'm actually quite overwhelmed at the response tbh, and yes I'm taking the advice of stepping way back.

I don't want to be in that toxic environment and husband can certainly take the boys down anytime, unless of course they are all kicking off again.

Just to say thank you all, hope you all have a great weekend

Xxxxx

@Brendy76 Best wishes.

If the environment is really toxic you may wish to limit the time your children spend there, particularly as they get old enough to understand and have conversations.

In my case my SIL is extremely malicious and will speak inappropriately to DC. They no longer have contact unless I am present. We have far less contact now, including with PIL as SIL is always with them (including on outings). My DC was frightened by SIL's rages and it just is not fair to expose them to that.

I wrote earlier, I would divorce but the fear of shared custody, particularly with the sh*t show with the inlaws, is a major concern.

Of course you're the bad guy, that's what these people do! Push and push until you react, then whoah your awful. All the things you've done sounds like they are not great full at all! I'd leave it to your husband. I honestly wouldn't waste one more second of my time on them. It's fantastic you're willing to do it for them, the lack of respect they are showing is not good.

She has 3 adult children and you seem to be the one doing the most and not really bring appreciated. Back off a bit and be unavailable for a while they'll soon realise how much you did for them hopefully.

Stop all the lifts and visits, why are you martyring yourself like this?

Do nothing for them from now on. Your knobhead DH can take care of his own parents.

Just give up! They are not your parents. I am in the same situation as you, I don’t have any of my parents and when I met my MIL i thought she will be my close family as I was super close with my mum. Let me tell
you, she was hosting us kicked us out of the house for literally no apparent reason. So I realised that even if you treat them like your own parents, it does t mean they will appreciate it.

"not your kid, not your problem"

not my parents not my problem

nompnomp

They all sound like absolute c**s...and hubby...get rid... Life is too short.

It’s very hard to be sure I’ve understood what happened as you haven’t sense and spell checked this before posting.

Don't do anything for them. Let your DH, who let you down, look after his ridiculous family.

Well done!