In-laws - should.i apologise

[Brendy76]

Lying awake here at 2am and can't sleep as my head feels like mush.

Quick background, I'm an only child and both my parents died by cancer 10 years ago. I've since comes.to terms with this and have went on to have 2.wonderful little boys with my husband.

I admit I can feel quite resentful when I see people who still have their parents around and don't treat them properly but keep this to myself, this does actually have something to do with it.

Around 2 months ago my FIL was taken into hospital for a mind hand injury, but is still there as he is now refusing to walk and is having lots of personal issues with hygiene etc (don't want to give details as it's the messy stuff), anyway hospital have refused to release him until.his mobility is resolved and he is able to go to the bathroom etc.

The issues have always been my BIL & SIL who still stay in the family home but contribute nothing either physically or financially.

It's either myself or husband who takes MIL to all appointments, shopping etc, but mostly me.

Around a year ago I arranged for carers to go in when I was unable to, got all adaptations etc to help but the SIL refused to have them in the house, I think she may have some kind of neurological disorder but I'm immediately shot down in flames if it's ever mentioned she's not perfect

Anyway, fast forward to last week and it was my birthday, not a special one and tbh I'm at an age now I'm not fussed at all, but we've been trying to get out youngest son's bedroom decorated in between daily hospital.visits, general running around etc and getting organised for Christmas. MIL texted to say cards where be picked up and I explained how busy we are, (side note, we have no outside support, so no childcare etc and anything we have to do needs to be done on the 2 days my youngest is at nursery.

Spent the week decorating, getting organised for Christmas etc and the texts were getting more cheeky,.oh you'll get presents at Christmas, don't you want them etc, replied in good humour, of course I do, just busy, pop in asap.

Finally on Sunday husband had a day off and thought we'd pop in. As soon as I walked in the front door it started, you could tell the atmosphere was full.of tension, I did say oh you know where we live you could have came up, to which I was told they wouldn't.pay for a taxi, (because either myself or husband takes them wherever they need to go most of the time), MIL replied oh does that mean youre never coming in my house again...I was thinking WTF ???

The boys and I had made cakes and had taken them so I went to the kitchen and thought just eat a cake, that way you won't say anything .

Heard SIL muttering about how I've not to.open.the cards or presents in there I've to do it in my own house. Put more cake in my gob at this point.

Next thing SIL starts this shouting match with her mum and brothers and bringing me into it saying how I said they've to get a taxi to the hospital (I've never said such a thing, albeit I think she should.pay for a taxi for her mother when she visits.once a week, SIL that is)

Anyway I lost it I admit, I got up and said I was going to the car I wasn't listening to this crap. SIL got up in my face screaming at me, so I screamed back.eayint my parents where dead, when was only being asked to visit a hospital,.I wanted to say more,.but quickly.tried to re-group

This is what I'm really pissed off at, husband tells me to get out, which I'm still trying to do at this point, and now I'm all the baddies

So please tell me, should I apologise for defending myself and I should.add I'm still pissed off with husband, but I guess blood is thicker than water, I just thought I meant more

Thanks for reading X X

People like your in-laws won’t appreciate anything you do, so stop doing it. You don’t have to run them around or be at their beck and call.
If they can’t appreciate your help, then let them manage without you. Good luck to them!

OT' could raise a safeguarding if preventing mobility adaptations, to aid discharge. If house is owned by the PIL, cannot prevent them as effectively, evicting home owner.

I think they’ll all come crawling back when they realise they can’t manage without you.

You could anonymously contact Social work services ask for a care needs assessment you can use this as an opportunity to get a perspective once you have a professional input

TBH you are right, but I (personally) just can’t see them out on the street. I just want her to be bloody grateful and a whole lot less entitled in the process! But I do have a plan of dealing with it moving forward, I just need to get them moved this weekend and Christmas out of the way!

I hear you 💞

But I think there may be a whole list of options that wouldn't see them on the street that didn't involve buying them a house. I'm not surprised your DH seemed 'a bit embarrassed'...I hope all that new property is in your name and you haven't handed over hundreds of thousands of pounds to people who don't even appreciate it.😬. I'm on your side. I have walked a similar walk over last several years and my eyes are now open to how it goes🙄

Definitely DO NOT apologise. That puts you in a position of wrong doing. You have been pushed to breaking point by dreadfully selfish people who treat you like a servant and disrespect you. Just because you decide enough is enough and tell them so does not mean that you have done anything wrong. Theirs including your husbands is the bad behaviour they should be apologising to you.

It sounds like this has been a long time coming to be honest. I had a similar blow up a few years ago with my FIL - I had always bitten my tongue being on the receiving end of his ‘funny’ remarks and the downright nasty ones. I flipped one day when he made a snarky remark about me visiting my widowed mum over Christmas-it was the final straw. We don’t speak for months and he apologised but to be honest I couldn’t care less about him and now see him the absolute bare minimum.
I think you are owed an apology from them - and your husband too for not sticking up for you. Time for some new boundaries too in order to make it clear you are not at their beck and call and your husband wants to continue the level of support being given then he needs to step up to the plate and do some himself - he might then realise what you have been doing.

you have done your turn, now it’s for the rest to pull their weight. Good luck and please don’t feel bad.x

I think THEY ALL need to apologise to you, your H included.
As most have said, and I’m glad you agree - step way back, I’d go no/low contact with MIL & SIL. I’d stop doing anything for any of them, H included. He is the most disappointing one, and the one you live with. He needs to have your back. What if he refuses to? That would be awful. It might be the beginning of the end for me. Good luck OP. X

Yes. This. Spot on.

OP, I was in the same position as you 15 years ago (both my parents died in their early 60's) when our children were young. It is hard and the bit you wrote about envying people who still have a parent alive - well I know that feeling exactly (hugs).

My PIL's who do not live locally to us massively stepped up after my mum and dad died and so ought yours to. Would look after our dc during school holidays at their house etc.. and never, ever 'put' on us.

@TheSandgroper 'Drop the rope' from the first comment has it right.

Your PIL's and their own dc need to start taking some responsibility for their own family and lives. You have enough going on! I think you will find that the more you have done for them, the more reliant they have become on you.

I am so sorry you have been put into this situation. You have done everything you can. If it's not too hard for you to do, just be unavailable for a while. I do feel sorry for you. Your husband needs to apologise to you, first and foremost, as well as all your in-laws.
It seems you have been taken for granted for far too long.
You have tried your best.
It might be an idea to speak to a charity such as Age Concern to get some support, even if just for you. They might be able to point you in the right direction to get help for everyone.
Stay strong.

I was asked to look after my MIL when she was diagnosed with cancer . I wasn’t keen as I was already looking after my mum who had Alzheimer’s. She was at the later stages so it was important for my sister and I to be there . We wanted to be there with the carers tooķł. My MIL moved in with us against my better judgment. I didn’t want this as my mum couldn’t stay with us . She would do half a week with us and the half with her daughter.
it became too much looking after my mum and MIL and so I told my husband . He spoke to sister who apparently was not happy . That’s when the arguments started.

My FIL had cancer too and I helped to care for him with carers. My SIL took time off but didn’t help at all . My MIL would leave the house as soon as I arrived . I was there from 8am-8pm because she didn’t want to be alone. I don’t see how I was being selfish.
My SIL said things to each other that hurt but I wouldn’t apologise because she took me for granted.

I don’t think you should apologise. You haven’t done anything wrong . Like my situation they are pushing you to get a reaction, and they got one . Walk away and let them deal with it . I wish I did .

This is going to sound crazy and I hope I say it in the right way. 🙏

Imagine if you had nothing to do with then and weren't even related, as in, if you divorced tomorrow or lived abroad (I'm not saying to do this things by the way) but if you were unavailable.... what would they do? 🤔
THEY WOULD HAVE TO GROW UP AND RELY ON EACHOTHER TO COPE. 💡
SO LET THEM. 👍
LET THEM BE. 🙌
Step away from them all and cut them off from any help from you at all. 🖕

They will guilt you and fight back at first, then as you stand your ground, they will be resentful, then accepting of the new norm.

Hold your nerve and make yourself the priority. 👌
As no one else has so far, and you ARE a priority in your own life, not a secondary character. 💯 🫂 ❤️
@Brendy76

I think this is very much a 'not my circus , not my monkeys ' situation. It is different generational expectations of women. This is a husband's problem & he is expectating* you to fulfill the role of caring for his children and his ageing parents.
So you had better step back , or be stepped on.
Stop doing what you are doing and tell them why . Respectfully.

Three things here. One is a safeguarding issue. If there are two adults in the house with your parents in law who refused to allow carers in or take to the hospital when you couldn't - potential elder abuse. Secondly, as others have said they need to pitch in - it shouldn't all be your responsibility. Thirdly and most important. Your DH needs to have your back.

Couldn’t understand much of this tbh but why on earth are your BIL & SIL staying in their parents house whilst your FIL is in hospital? Is it to help MIL? They don’t sound like they’re much help!

Struggled to follow some of the story.

Background and how much you do, I appreciate.

However the actual argument sounds like it went to 1-100 pretty fast? Why did you need to scream back your parents were dead after a few comments? I do think that was a bit unnecessary. Families have their issues (and SIL sounds like a selfish arse), but that doesn’t mean you can throw that statement around and everyone else should be perfect because you have suffered hardship and have a different level of appreciation they may not recognise.

I personally would apologise for what you said as it is just a bit over the top and dramatic. However, I would also use that as an opportunity to explain why the upset and why you flew off the handle and try to calmly explain your concerns. If they don’t want tk hear it, leave them to look after themselves more.

I presume they still live at home and haven't moved out yet.

I don't agree with you ploddingalong. I think it is absolutely understandable why the OP "went from 1 to 100". She is running around after everybody while they appear to do very little and to keep expecting more and more from her and her husband. To my mind, she has been superhumanly patient with this bunch of selfish people.

OP - as others have said, you should bow out and let your husband get on with it. I take a very dim view of him turning on you - even though your reaction might have been somewhat over the top. He can sort them out in future.

Yes, completely concur with you & your compassionate comment restores our faith in human nature
God Bless You&Yours 💚✨💚