OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

[snowhunny]

Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone.

OH has just dropped it on me that he wants to take the kids to MIL's after dinner.

I am not invited.
I just don't think this is very fair or nice.

MIL is a strange woman, she has never visited us.

Every time a DC has been born we have had to take the baby to her house to meet DC.

She has never bought the kids anything for Xmas or birthdays.

Previously I would buy her Xmas and birthday presents from the kids but I won't be doing that again as I find the effort very one sided.

It's not that we don't get on, she is just a lazy woman.

AIBU to feel annoyed that why should her get the privilege of spending time with my kids when I am the one who puts all the effort in to ensure they have a good Xmas Day?

I would prefer he takes them on Boxing Day.

Children don’t want to get up halfway through Christmas Day and relocate.

They want to be at home with mum and dad and their presents.

As you have not been invited is it because in some weird way she thinks she’s giving you a break from the kids after all the things you’ve done and giving you a chance for some peace and quiet or is it because she’s a shit stirring nasty piece of work

I suspect the latter.

It doesn't sound much like you love your OH though it has to be said. It sounds like you are together merely because neither of you have decided to divorce yet.

I have never met a wean yet that wants to leave their house on Christmas Day ( infact any day )

I buy my children’s gifts and they are wrapped by my DH because I pop them in gift bags otherwise, my kids prefer the cheese/crackers and buffet style food in the evening, it’s still special.
I don’t buy for anyone but the children, which I don’t find at all stressful.
I think the stress of Christmas is because everyone races around like headless chickens, buying stuff for everyone (most of which is brought because of a sense of duty) tables are expected to be laden with goodies and stacks under the tree.
Its all so commercial, we often go away spend Christmas just immediately family, Santa stockings hidden in the car ready to put out, family board games etc those Christmases for us have been much lovelier then hours spent in a kitchen, endless relatives visiting and heaps of presents that have little meaning.

I remember one Christmas ( my brother in law had died ) and I said to young sister bring the boys up and have dinner at our , the kids sat in the living room on a picnic blanket playing games on the telly and I chucked in some Christmas crackers. We sat in the kitchen having a normal dinner with sister because she didn’t want to disappoint the boys but didnt feel like it . Folk do things their way

Yes, but your DH does wrap the presents and your kids prefer that kind of meal, and someone is buying the stuff for the stockings etc.

Are you seriously saying the OP has the choice of:

A) Do it all to give the Christmas that her kids (and most kids to be honest) love and say it's all done by Mummy AND Daddy and get her mother in law a present or she won't be invited to the second half of Christmas...

Or

B) Don't do any of it (how would the presents even get bought?) and have presents in original packaging, an every day meal, all the cleaning just left undone and her kids taken away for the second half of the day to a place she's not invited to?

I really don't think OP is choosing this situation at all.

Given the updates of the OP is all a mute point anyway:
He tells her to leave the house when his family come to visit
He is the one that doesn’t want her to come with him to his Mums
He doesn’t consider non blood relatives family
He’s totally lazy and does nothing
Their relationship has been strained for months
The least of her problems is Christmas!

I would serve a big Christmas lunch “starter” 1pm but the main course to follow at about 3.30pm. In between play board games, watch a film, enjoy.

When you finally finish dessert at about 5.pm tell dh you’re taking the kids out in the car to look at all the Christmas lights in the neighbourhood while he can clean up the kitchen.

He can pop round to his mum’s when he has finished tidying and you can drop the kids off to him there.

Tell him he can go there or she can come round but they are both your kids, not just his & they are staying put. Tell him to do all the graft if he wants it different.

MIL is the same. Everyone has to go to her. She’s only over been to each of her kid’s houses once. Not kidding… I don’t go anymore, DH brings DS occasionally. Not on Christmas Day! But she’ll be like “nobody bothers with little ol’ me anymore!”

This is horrifying. I would not put up with being treated like that or allowing this awful man to basically shove you aside and expect you to hide out of sight in your own home. He clearly doesnt think of you as anything other than a domestic appliance. Its probably best if you start thinking about what a future without him could look like.

That first/second paragraph is wild. Sending you out on your own kid’s birthday so he can have ‘family time’ with a cousin? Mad as a shithouse rat.

Erm isn’t it “every mother’s dream” to spend Christmas with their own kids

And frankly who cares what grandmother’s dream is mother is the one doing all the graft.

You’re a martyr. Nobody “has to” do anything.

If your MIL has never bought present for your kids, why did you expect one on the last visit?

You’ve watched all of these things happen for several years and multiple children and all of a sudden it’s not okay.

You can’t control other people, only yourself. So if you don’t want to do everything, don’t do it. Children don’t die if they don’t get presents or roast dinners FFS.

You say OH rather than husband, so presumably you aren’t married either. How does this relationship actually benefit you? Why do you keep having kids with this apparent arsehole?

What are YOU actually going to do about it?

I know this guy is acting like a knob, but i really can't understand all the exhortations to get back at him via the children.

That's just awful.

Please don't use your kids as pawns 'Im taking them out myself unless you do more around the house' etc etc.

Talk to each other. Don't use the kids to get at each other. That is just appalling parenting.

I just wanted to say I very much enjoyed the “in words he will understand” portion of your response. I laughed aloud and it was very much needed after a long week. Thank you. 😁

Saved me writing anything! 👍

OP, get out of this weird family and have a happy life just you and your kids.

Do you have kids? If you were pissed off your partner did none of the Christmas work would you seriously not get your kids any presents or Christmas dinner? That would be extremely cruel. It's not like it's a real choice.

Yes, OP should leave him, and maybe in good time she will, but in the meantime there is no way she's going to just not do Christmas.

Leave leave leave - run. Wishing you the best x

I think youre being too emotional about this 😭

He wants to take your kids away from you on christmas day?? There's a very clear answer, and the matter is finished 😭

Its very rude of her not to invite you. Why is she doing that ? Its just plain old nasty. Does she have problems with socialising.

Of course it’s not finished. He’s their father why wouldn’t he just take them anyway? They’re not OPs children to grant access to only when she agrees

You can’t just take your kids away from their parent who has spent ages preparing for Christmas Day on a whim. I mean there’s no law against it but it’s a dick move. And OP does have to agree to who their children are exposed to.

They are op's children and if she wants them in their home on xmas day, thats what should happen

Given that she does everything and is their mother, thats her right

Why shes wasting time overthinking it, I dont know but its a simple 'no, the kids are staying home, if your mum wants to pop by to see us all then she can'

Unless he is abusive or controlling, then thats another issue

Well you can. It’s a wanker thing to do, but you can. Yelling HARD NO MATTER IS FINISHED at him doesnt actually stop him