OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

[snowhunny]

Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone.

OH has just dropped it on me that he wants to take the kids to MIL's after dinner.

I am not invited.
I just don't think this is very fair or nice.

MIL is a strange woman, she has never visited us.

Every time a DC has been born we have had to take the baby to her house to meet DC.

She has never bought the kids anything for Xmas or birthdays.

Previously I would buy her Xmas and birthday presents from the kids but I won't be doing that again as I find the effort very one sided.

It's not that we don't get on, she is just a lazy woman.

AIBU to feel annoyed that why should her get the privilege of spending time with my kids when I am the one who puts all the effort in to ensure they have a good Xmas Day?

I would prefer he takes them on Boxing Day.

Its absolutely unreasonable to invite only part of a family on Christmas day. Youre all welcome or non of you are

As pp said you need to contact women's aid, they will help you, they can let you know what your rights are, it's your home. You will get some sort of benefits to help.
Also sign up for the freedom program online to make sure you don't fall under his spell again (he will love bomb you like in the beginning ) and that you don't stract another user like him.
Stand strong, not just for you but for your kids. Let your family know what's happening and friends so they can support you.

Leave him. Well, make him leave. When he is out, change the locks and contact the police to warn them that he is being kicked out after a relationship breakdown and he won’t go quietly.
Find out what you’ll be able to receive as a single parent and start your applications for that.
You don’t need this man in your life. He isn’t a partner. He’s another person to shop for, Cook for and think about.
This year, tell him that he can collect the children on Boxing Day between 10-11 and have them back for bedtime. Go elsewhere on Christmas Eve/Day so you’re protected from him showing up.
Get rid. I don’t think you’ll ever look back.

I would change the locks for your own safety.

He & his family sound like complete freaks. I hope she gets the locks changed immediately after he's left. If he comes round on Xmas Day, she could leave him a mince pie on the front doorstep.

Thanks everyone, I feel a lot better today knowing that I am not going mad or being petty as he says.

So he came to take DC to the dentist today and as I was putting the Xmas tree up and again he had an issue with this for some strange reason?

He was and is raised as a Christian and even has a tattoo of a cross on his arm (alongside a gold cross necklace) but yet neither him or his mum agree with putting Xmas tree's up or exchanging gifts (told me this today) as "it's just a day the government tell us too and I'm not doing that".

I literally cannot wait until the kids turn 18, hopefully I won't ever have to see him again.

I hate that I have to rely on him for things such as him taking DC to the dentist as I don't have a car at the moment.
I am really going to sort myself out so I don't have to rely on him for anything.

I was talking to my friend today who knows what is going on and she said that basically all these years he has had open access to me whilst he has excluded me from all parts of his life and that's true.

Even before DC he would socialise on his own and I was always excluded from his friendship group.

I really do deserve so much better.

I imagine she's used to walking over and being demanding always to your husband and you don't even really count; be grateful she's not a foul mouthed harpy, my friend had one of those till she humiliated her own son in public expecting him to drive her to her holiday destination in another country, then come back when she felt ready to be collected and when it didn't happen that way she said he was out her will (big shrug)
So I say tell him NO
And not to bother boxing day either
She's been nasty, selfish lazy and getting totally away with it for far too long
So its nothing christmassy for her then as you're the one always doing everything
Let her stew in her own juice
Why, she then may even get off her sofa!

Can he not do it on boxing day?

If you want him to leave and he does, make sure you change all your door locks. I hope things work out for you and your life gets happier.

I really do deserve so much better.

You said it better than any of us.

Definitely no! She is driving a wedge between you and your family and your husband is enabling it. You come as one… Xmas day with you or not at all! How dare your husband leave you alone! If my husband done that to me, it would have been his last! If it happens this year, then it will happen every year and your kids Christmas time is precious, if she wants to see them that much, suggest she gets off her arse and come visit!

You really do deserve better put your plans into place after getting legal advice. Then start your new life and explain to you kids why - don’t wait until after Christmas!

‘Freaks’ is spot in. Very, very peculiar people. (What a bizarro take on Christmas decorations, for one thing. A government diktat?!)

His family background, from everything OP has told us, just sounds completely out of sync with how any of us would expect to be treated, and as though this mistreatment were an essential part of their antiquated alien code.
I think she’d be wise to make damn sure he cannot gain access to the house over Christmas if she leaves it empty. If OP’s parents can’t come and stay with her (which might be a good idea) it’s crucial to at least make sure to have changed the locks and left the house secure against him (and any marauding cousin of his.)

I’d be worried that her deciding she’s had enough and kicked him out is not what these men expect from ‘their’ women, and there could be an instinct to teach her a lesson. Steps should be taken to guard the house and residents against this!

Solicitor and Women’s Aid visits are indicated for her, and without delay. Not to be left until the New Year.

Sounds to me that DH is still tied to his mother's apron strings. He'd prioritising his mother's wishes over yours. I would invite his mother to yours for Christmas dinner and if she doesn't want to come that's it- he can go on his own to hers but children stay with you. Your wishes as a mother are paramount. I speak from experience.

That's true but she's not their mother. She's their grandmother and doesn't get to indulge her dreams by depriving you of yours.

OP can I ask if this is an interracial marriage? It comes across as maybe he is of a different culture to you and is using that against you almost. I'm guessing you are European and he isnt? Of course I could be completely wrong and it's not excuse either way but something seems a bit weird in his behaviour.

Once he is gone, get the locks changed.

Contact CMS

Put claim in for Universal Credit.

Claim single person council tax

Remove his name from any bills

Change your Will if anything was being left to hin

Change your NOK contacts for GP, work etc

Check who is your private pension beneficiary is

So he and his mother think that Christmas is foisted on us by the government yet it’s his mum’s dream to see your kids on Christmas Day and he also wants a Christmas dinner? 😂 I assume he’s always been this way but now you’ve seen the light every single thing he says must make you feel like banging your head against the wall!
On a practical level, you don’t need him because you don’t have a car. I didn’t drive for years and as a single mother, never struggled with getting from a) to b) on public transport and Uber. You really, really don’t need this man for anything.

Think OH is being very selfish and thoughtless. So you go to the effort to do everything and OH ups and leaves straight after dinner leaving you to do the clean up. Tell OH you prefer they go on Boxing Day as you would like to spend Xmas day with your kids. Good luck OP

@snowhunny I think you need some support on this. I think you should get intouch with Womans Aid asap.

I came here to suggest @snowhunny that you contact women's aid.
If you feel threatened by him when he raises his voice, I feel that you need a plan if the worst came to the worst and they will help you.
They helped my friend get her ex out but she went to safety with her DC first on their command.
Definitely change the locks as soon as possible.
Good luck x

Let him go by himself.

@snowhunny

Well done on calling it a day. It sounds like you won’t regret it. Obviously there’s a bumpy road ahead while you sort your ducks, but it sounds like it’ll be a better life!!

All the best!

Well obviously this doesn’t happen. He doesn’t get to dictate that it will.

Please don’t let the money side hold you back, do the online benefits calculator checks. I held back for a long time and now I am independent (share custody) but happy, healing, studying again and looking at university. He is unemployed and being kept by his partner. It will get better and you can do this 💚