OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

[snowhunny]

Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone.

OH has just dropped it on me that he wants to take the kids to MIL's after dinner.

I am not invited.
I just don't think this is very fair or nice.

MIL is a strange woman, she has never visited us.

Every time a DC has been born we have had to take the baby to her house to meet DC.

She has never bought the kids anything for Xmas or birthdays.

Previously I would buy her Xmas and birthday presents from the kids but I won't be doing that again as I find the effort very one sided.

It's not that we don't get on, she is just a lazy woman.

AIBU to feel annoyed that why should her get the privilege of spending time with my kids when I am the one who puts all the effort in to ensure they have a good Xmas Day?

I would prefer he takes them on Boxing Day.

So you’ve been together 13 years and have 2 kids under 5. How was he for the 8 years before you got pregnant, OP?

Yes he gives me a monthly allowance for bills and the kids etc.
I currently only work part time and the money he gives me does help a lot.

Basically when I met him he proposed to me with an engagement ring after 4 months.

We were engaged for 2/3 years when one day he decided he didn't want to get married and only wanted to have kids, by that time I was in my 30s and had basically wasted my best years on his awful man.

I really regret meeting him to be honest, I wish I had left him after he gaslighted me for years.

To be honest he really isn't relationship material, he likes his independence too much.
If I dare say anything to him "your controlling my life" he will tell me but has no qualms in bossing me around in my own house.

I just hope DC don't turn out like him and his messed up family.

No-I am all for including grandparents, but not if you're being excluded! I would be fine with any reasonable combination of hosting/visiting most family, but there is no way I would plan to take the kids without my husband, leaving him home alone, and the other way round is equally wrong.

Yes! Great idea.
Or else he can pop over with the dc on Boxing Day.

If he's at his mums, I'd just get a locksmith out, although it would be expensive at this time. When's the next time he'll be out? You can buy a lock and fit it yourself to save money. If you don't think you could, then arrange for a handman to fit one you buy for when he's next out. Honestly, men like him are just arrogant bullies, you'll struggle to get him out. You have the option of getting the police involved to get him out, but a locksmith/changing the locks is probably the swiftest way.

How old are your DC? He doesn’t get to opt out of paying for them just because you are separated, but equally he may try and get significant amount of time with them each week to massively reduce how much he has to pay you. I think you either need to accept this shit life or try and make changes which will probably be quite painful. Upping your hours will be difficult to start with but I’d argue, better for you in the long run if you can achieve financial independence. Do you pay your mortgage on your own?

Basically he was the most nicest man I had ever met.
He opened doors for me, bought me flowers, took me out to nice restaurants, he was literally the perfect man.

He began changing a few years into the relationship when he started hanging around with one of his cousins who he reconnected with at a family funeral

This cousin is very sexist and hold very old fashioned views on women.
Women should cook and clean.
Women should give their man sex every day othwise the man has a right to cheat.
Awful views like that.

I did love him once and was deeply in love with him and I guess I just held onto the belief that one day he would revert back to than man that I had met and fallen in love with. It never happened.

He did change abit during the first pregnancy and was nice but then when I gave being he went back to his nasty self.

We just clash over everything, I try not to say a lot when he is at home as he just turns it into an argument.
I despise him. He does tell me still loves me but "you need to change".

He opened doors for me, bought me flowers, took me out to nice restaurants, he was literally the perfect man

Maybe I’m old and cynical but this doesn’t sound like the perfect man to me. This sounds like someone who already had very clear ideas of gender roles in their heads and it only took a small thing to tip that into abusive.

Jesus Christ OP this sounds like absolute hell. I hope you're able to rid yourself of him. Kick him out and apply for CMS.

Same, if a man is 'perfect' I would run far away

He can be quite intimidating whenever we get into arguments, he does raise his voice to me a lot which I find quite abusive.

It is abusive. Shouting and verbal intimidation can be considered coercive control, which is classified as abuse.

He always gives me this silly ultimatums such as if I ask him to move out he will stop giving me money for the kids.

Without prying, would you be OK without it? By that I mean able to meet the basics but perhaps having to do without 'extras'. Sometimes if we look seriously at our finances we can find that there are things we can do without or find cheaper sources for. It may be a good thing to sit down and go over your figures to see what you can pare down on. Also, what benefits might you be due if he wasn't living there. I'm not in the UK, but I know there are benefit calculators that might help you figure that out. Fingers crossed, you may be surprised.

Also if you kick him out you could file for CMS then he wouldn't have the choice to pay or not, would he? Unless he's self employed and plays the usual shenanigans.

I just wish I could be free of him and never have to talk/ see him again but of course I know that's not possible.

No, sadly it's not. That's part having children with someone. BUT, imagine how nice it would be to be able to put the phone down on him, or shut the door in his face. Because although you'd have to co-parent with him, you wouldn't have to listen to his shit and you wouldn't have to allow him in your house.

I have just text him (he is at his mum's) he needs to move out asap as I am so unhappy and it's time to move on.

Great for you!!! Yee-HAW!!! Can you pack him a bag and drop it on her doorstep? If so, call in an emergency locksmith and then drop the bag off. Arrangements can be made for him to pick up the rest of his stuff. Preferably when you can have relatives at the house to hopefully keep him civil.

On the plus side you can lock him out the house and refuse to let him in and he can do fuck all about it. He can go to his mum's.

Call the police if you need to.

Honestly you can't carry on like this - he will teach the kids this is normal. It's not ok.

He does tell me still loves me but "you need to change".

Why won't he change for you? Why do you have to do all the running.

Yes change. By kicking him out.

When he said that bulllshit about “every mother’s dream”, you had your chance to say “Good! Then you’ll call her back and tell her that you won’t take your kids away from their own mother on Xmas day (you tactless mummy’s boy *optional.)
What a dick. He sounds as socially lazy as his mum.

OP - make a cold, hard plan. Start it now, tonight and stitch is so tight that you are safe and he has no way back. Start by telling someone you trust implicitly - make it real so that you hold yourself to account for it. Whilst he’s out one day, get the locks changed, have his things bagged and in a taxi to his mother’s house. Involve the police if needed. Do your research, own your plan and all the detail and get him gone. He is a waste of air and effort.

Are you sure you’re not invited? Why do you even need an invite, she’s family, you just go surely?

Her OH told her she's not allowed to go, not Mil.

Well, it's a good job you disnt marry as he can't try to claim half your house.

have just text him (he is at his mum's) he needs to move out asap as I am so unhappy and it's time to move on.

I'd tell him to stay there and not come back. Say you don't want to be with him any more and he can spend all of his time with his mum going forwards.

Go back to work full time asap and see what support you can get from Universal Credit.

i agree with his statement, “you need to change”. You absolutely do! You need to stop tolerating him making your life miserable.

Get rid of this loser and your life will be instantly better. He is dragging you down. Seek help from family/friends/Woman's Aid to ensure you are safe when you break free of him.

You are in the best position in that your house is yours only. Please kick him out for good and realise that not all men are like this.he treats you SO badly it’s no wonder his family does. How old are the kids?

That's not a reason

Thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him and get to keep your house you own and let this cold hearted man go. His family sound odd and cold and it has rubbed off on him. Normal families accept longterm partners as part of the family. Especially if they have had a child together. You can't eliminate the parent of the child from the family when you are also part of a couple.

No way should you let him take the children away without you on Christmas day to sit cleaning up after the meal you have provided and just waiting there alone. Tell him to do one. It doesn't sound like this relationship can get back to a place where you could have a happy life together and be seen as family and an equal. Dont let your kids see this as a norm in what to expect in a relationship. Women are not men's slaves

@AcrossthePond55 - thank you for your advice.
To be honest it would be a struggle without his money.
He often gloats in telling me how his work mates often pay good money to the mothers of their children but then the women get "greedy" take the fathers to court and actually end up with less.
He says some men are paying £8 a week, I don't know if this is true but it does scare me as I can see him potentially doing this to me.

As I own the house I'm not sure if I would be entitled to any benefits?
I will have a look tomorrow.

In my family we welcome the partners of our siblings/cousins with welcome arms.

None of this "oh that's my aunt as she is blood related but her husband is not my uncle as he isn't a blood relation".
I have never come across anyone who talks/feels like that until I met him.

@BrokenWingsCantFly
Yes I think it's gone way to far for any happy ending here.
I literally dread the man coming near me, he is just a constant bad aura around me.
He is always moaning or complaining about something I have done wrong, we literally cannot stand each other.
I know it sounds bad and awful (I have suffered years of constant disrespect and abuse from him) but I wouldn't even care if he passed away tomorrow. He brings nothing positive or nice to my life, just misery and abuse.

He says he will be gone by Monday, thanks goodness.
He is adamant he will be coming here for his Xmas Day dinner, I will probably just end up going to my parents to be honest.

No judgement. It seems like you have been though a tough time with him. Sounds like a lovely idea to go to your parents and being taken care of for once. Cant believe he things you would still serve him Christmas dinner after this. He has pushed you too far not thinking you would ever take the control back. As for the child maintenance, my lousy ex couldn't stick to the £15 a week agreement we had made (felt back as i left him which was why I come to this), I said i would go to cms if he didn't pay. He threatened the same that i wouldn't get nothing, then I did. Follow through the threat and got £43 a week. 2 years later he moved abroad so I got nothing. But doubt that would be happening for many. These types get manipulative when they feel loosing control

You sound very alone in this scenario. Who have you got in your corner, especially locally? There is no shame in confiding in one of two really trusted people. You can also ask for police help if he refuses to leave.