OH wants to take kids to MIL's on Xmas Day after lunch & leave me home alone?

[snowhunny]

Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone.

OH has just dropped it on me that he wants to take the kids to MIL's after dinner.

I am not invited.
I just don't think this is very fair or nice.

MIL is a strange woman, she has never visited us.

Every time a DC has been born we have had to take the baby to her house to meet DC.

She has never bought the kids anything for Xmas or birthdays.

Previously I would buy her Xmas and birthday presents from the kids but I won't be doing that again as I find the effort very one sided.

It's not that we don't get on, she is just a lazy woman.

AIBU to feel annoyed that why should her get the privilege of spending time with my kids when I am the one who puts all the effort in to ensure they have a good Xmas Day?

I would prefer he takes them on Boxing Day.

So your house is owned solely by you and you aren't married? That's great news. You can just change the locks and kick him out. He is treating you with total disrespect. How dare he tell you to leave your own house on your own child's birthday so he could entertain his relative without you there?

You need to get properly angry about the way he treats you. Just suggesting that it's time for him to find his own place won't work. He's too comfortable and he is treating your house as though he owns it, not you. The awful way he and his family have treated you has worn you down so it is hard for you to challenge him but you hold all the cards. He hasn't a leg to stand on legally once you throw him out.

That’s exactly what i would do

Do heed this, OP. There is no time to lose.

I am the other poster that you quoted and you seem to be getting your wires crossed. We’re not blaming her and we aren’t suggesting she stops buying her children presents, we are saying stop doing the extras. Buying for her own children, putting up a tree and cooking what is essentially a nice roast should not be super stressful. What is stressful is all the extra stuff she is having to do. The house is hers in her own right, she isn’t married.
We are simply pointing out that if hosting extra relatives, buying extra gifts is awful because her OH won’t help her do anything then she should say she’s not doing it.
My DH didn’t used to be as helpful as he is now but I had a conversation and put my foot down, he had two choices pick up the rope or do a Christmas of my choice which would have been solely centred around my own children and I certainly wouldn’t be allowing anyone to make me feel unwelcome in MY own house. Instead of her suggesting he leave, she needs to tell him to do so and put the wheels in motion.
As I’ve said Christmas is the least of this couples problems, they have a whole host of issues.

Don't suggest its time for him to move on - evict him and change the locks. If necessary seek legal help to make sure it sticks.

Yeah, this sounds like a distinctly cultural* thing, and women in your position will never, ever, prevail.

• by which I’m not alluding to any group necessarily un-British, or non-white, by the way. You can find pretty peculiar cultures just five miles down the canal towpath! And in a good few minor churches, too of course.

He can take them Boxing Day, definitely not xmas day. What a selfish prick!

OH has just invited himself to bring the kids round to MIL's after dinner.
She never invites him round, he will have to always call her to arrange going round.

This just gets weirder and weirder. If OH is making the plans, then it's OH's decision that you're not invited, nothing to do with MIL?

He is only really doing it for his own reasons like saying "It's every mother's dream to see her grand kids on Xmas Day." This is just stupid; but you must know that. Not every mother even HAS "grandkids", and none do initially, so it can hardly be "every mother's dream". And anyway, how much experience does HE have as a mother? If none, it sounds like he's fantasising and "mansplaining" to you, an actual mother, AND he's speaking over for his own (another actual) mother, who isn't bothered enough to invite the "grandkids" at ANY point, let alone on "Xmas Day". Fuck that.

Also: Basically I do all the Xmas shopping for the kids, decorating and I make Xmas dinner for everyone. But why isn't your "OH" doing half?

Obviously, that won't be happening, unless your middle name is Doormat.

Is he always a bit mental, uncaring and selfish? Apples and trees.

Your marriage appears to be over, get your ducks in a row.

"I have already suggested many times that it's time to move on and for him to find his own place, I literally feel like a prisoner in my own home."

Honestly OP. Your house give him notice and get him out. Life is too short to live like this.

When it was DC's birthday a few weeks ago one of his cousins wanted to visit with their kids. OH told me "Can you go upstairs or go out to the cinema so we can have family time?"

I don’t think I have ever read anything that screams ‘YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER’ more than this. If you own the house and you aren’t married just kick him out. Literally tomorrow. None of this is normal and he sounds horrendous but why are you settling for this? You literally get one chance at life and you’re ruining it with a man you clearly loathe. It hardly sounds like he’ll be going for a high % custody of the kids, does it?

After all your hard work making christmas special, you should get to have time after lunch to spend quality time with your kids, not MIL who makes no effort. Id be telling him he can go by himself.

Well your OH and his family all sound a bit weird but you also sound a bit passive.

My take on this is that you are the one doing the cooking and shopping and buying gifts and if you want the children with you on Christmas day then that is what will happen in your own house. He does not get to eat dinner and then disappear off with the children or invite his family over unless you have agreed. You also do not have to buy his family gifts. You do not have to cater for them. He has to pull his finger out but is he now saying that instead of going to MILs he now wants the cousin to come over to yours?

I would be rethinking this relationship.

YANBU @snowhunny

If he thinks it's reasonable to leave you alone on Christmas afternoon after you have done all that work, he can come back to a set of divorce papers because he is not a fit person to be anyone's partner.

And you seem to be a strange woman putting up with this!

@snowhunny

When you say "It's my house that I own" are you saying that you had this house before you met him? That his name is NOT on this house? Then (pardon me) what the hell are you doing?

You need to sit quietly for a moment and picture, I mean really picture, your home without him in it. Where you only have to 'do for' and clean up after yourself and DC. A house that's quiet and calm with things just as you like. A house where your family comes and goes as it pleases you. And where nobody tells you to 'go upstairs' because 'their' family is visiting (my gast is truly flabbered at that!). Do these thoughts create a longing in you? Then you know what you need to do. And the sooner the better.

"I have already suggested many times that it's time to move on and for him to find his own place"

Don't 'suggest'. TELL him it's time to move out. You are not married, the house is (I'm assuming) in your sole name with him having no legal interests in it, he has no right to be there if you tell him to leave.

I'm asking this very gently, but are you afraid of him for some reason?

You arent married and you own the house. I would tell him that the relationship is over and if you are feeling charitable drop his stuff off at his Mums house. Change the locks. He has zero right to be in your home if you do not want him therr. Dont put up with another second of feeling like you are a prisoner in your own home. Its time for him to go...

I'm not understanding how you are not invited in this scenario. I mean they aren't either really. Just go with them and put your feet up.

Oh just show him the door immediately. There’s time still for a happy Christmas. You’ll still be doing 100% of the Christmassing as a single mother but it’s so much easier without the resentment your OH will cause you, issuing his dysfunctional demands while he sits festering on the sofa, contributing nothing.

Yeah, you need to kick this man out of your house this side of Christmas, but really within the week. This isn't a partnership and him and his family sound weird. Him telling you to leave your own him when his family come over, yet wanting your family to make an appointment to visit you in YOUR own house just shows he thinks he's the boss because he's a man. Get that misogynist out of your house now.

@AcrossthePond55 yes thank you, I completely agree with what you say.
Yes the house is solely in my name.

He can be quite intimidating whenever we get into arguments, he does raise his voice to me a lot which I find quite abusive.

He always gives me this silly ultimatums such as if I ask him to move out he will stop giving me money for the kids.

He just brings a negative aura in my life to be honest, we can't spend too much time together without arguing (always caused by him).
His negativity towards me really makes me feel super depressed.

I just wish I could be free of him and never have to talk/ see him again but of course I know that's not possible.

I really don't want to be cooking him Xmas dinner (never helps with cooking or washing up) and I have already decided I won't be buying him any Xmas presents.

I have just text him (he is at his mum's) he needs to move out asap as I am so unhappy and it's time to move on.

I may have missed it while just skimming the thread, but I just wondered if he contributes financially to the household. If he does is it substantial and would losing this contribution make life extremely difficult for you and kids? Is that why you are holding on to this piece of selfish weird person? Not the right reason BTW.

If he is not contributing much, are you subsidising HIM? I think either way it's time to reassess the situation.

I wouldn't advise keeping him there for financial reasons, you will manage with benefits if necessary, but maybe you won't/don't need them. Are you tied together in any way, i.e. business etc.? Is there any reason you are not married, and is that a mutual decision? Obviously it's great that you're not in the circumstances.

As pp said, you hold all the cards. Play them well and put yourself and your children first every time. Good luck.

100% time to call time on this relationship, wonderful to hear you’re not married and it’s your house. And if he says anything about Christmas presents (the nerve of him) you say coolly you seem to think I’m an awful person for not buying my horrible mil Christmas presents- you’re a man who’s never bought his own dc a present so you must really think you’re just complete scum then. I’m a good parent, I wish you could say the same about yourself.

But they are your children it is your job (with your dh) to make sure thry have a nice Christmas not hers so I dont get the logic on that bit

She’s not a victim in her own life. She has chosen to live with him. She chose to have children with him. He was likely crap from day one (I think other posts suggest they have 2 children under 5 but have been together for 13 years). I highly doubt she suddenly woke up one day and her equal partner had transitioned into a nob.