To want the pointless exchange of presents to stop

[UneasyMe]

Not for kids. For adults. The shopping ruins the otherwise lovely run-up to Christmas day every single year. I’ve tried to stop it a few times but my family resists. WHY? None of us needs any more stuff! We just need time, and peace.

YANBU. I've finally got my family to agree to no more presents for adults, and I can't tell you how relieved I am.

It's pointless when we can all buy anything that we actually want, and as nice as the gifts I get usually are, I don't need them, and it's a pain trying to clear space for them, especially because my family tend to go overboard.

We're just going to chip in more for really nice food and drink instead of presents this year, and I think that will be much more enjoyable.

I’m with you OP. And it becomes so bloody expensive. I won’t go into debt for Christmas and I won’t buy Temu Tat for anyone.

I'm so glad this isn't just me!

In my case it's friends rather than family. I have a small group of friends and we all buy each other Christmas and birthday presents and it drives me mad! I just want it to stop. PLEASE!

One of them is so difficult to buy for as she doesn't wear make-up or perfume, or put any smelly things in her bath and to make things worse, she has expensive taste and always spends a lot on the rest of us. I feel so bad when I give her my presents but it doesn't stop her as she clearly gets pleasure from it but trying to even think what to get her causes me no end of stress that I'd much rather do without.

I don't even get a Christmas present for DH and neither does he for me because we don't want anything.

We stopped swapping gifts between adults for Christmas years ago. Haven't looked back. No worry about trying to find something everyone will like, no having to pretend you love the socks. Focus on the excitement for the kids.

For the first time ever, my extended family is doing a Secret Santa for adults. It has made the run up to Christmas less of a chore, for sure.

My Ddad is 91 and my DM is 10’years deceased this week. Almost 30 yrs ago they said…no more gifts for us we have what we need. My Dsis and Dbro and I said…same for us gifting each other. I realize now how very progressive they were in their thinking and how unselfish they have always been. 2 people who lived a modest but very family focused life.
We cook and eat fantastic food enjoy a drink or cocktail and I always host and decorate and make it visually beautiful….trees tabletop etc. and so very much enjoy it.
I gift my 2 dc and my nephew (who spends the holiday with me) the youngest of whom is 24. My DH and I stopped exchanging last year and he probably doesn’t love it but 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Just opt out. Send the message now. If she of expensive tastes says she's already bought tough.
Believe me you'll feel better. Just say you have too much stuff.

Exactly! Often on here people say they've "tried" not buying, as in they suggest it but others don't agree, so they just keep resentfully buying for everyone. Or they all agree not to buy then someone turns up with presents anyway, and then the OP has to rush out and get some emergency chocolates.

It's very easy to not buy for adults! Just tell them, from early on in the year "I am not buying presents this year." If they moan, tough luck, they can still buy for each other. If they agree but then turn up anyway with a gift, say "Oh....I thought we weren't buying for each other. I haven't got you anything, as we agreed."

Either they'll realise you mean what you say, and won't do it next year, or they are happy to keep giving without any expectation of reciprocation, in which case that's up to them. Nobody can "make" you exchange presents if you don't want to!

Oh it's 100% for the benefit of MIL - I'm sure it's an addiction. Nope, they never ask. I always push him to TELL them what he wants (or needs, since he never spends money on himself) but he's worried about rocking the boat. It's easily £250 worth of absolute rubbish. They could get him a whole new wardrobe for that!

Well, I used to buy Christmas gifts for my mum, my dad, my grandmother, my uncle, his wife, my sister, her husband, my other sister and her partner. So a £150 Secret Santa is much cheaper than what I was spending every year.

And no one buys £150 worth of shit. Everyone compiles a “gift list” so they can give ideas on what they would like - Jo Malone products, skincare, golf shoes, nice wine, Champagne etc.

This, I was the instigator for my family. We buy for my mum and for my kid. That´s it.

We do this. Everyone gets one present which they are delighted with and less shopping for everyone. Grandkids get presents, of course. My adult dd asked us to introduce this and we are all on board. As inlaws have come along the circle has widened but no complaints from anyone

The whole essence of what I said is that if someone actually knew you and was being thoughtful about gifting then they wouldn't be buying you toiletries or perfume, which you clearly don't value.

Perhaps they would do something nice for you instead or give you something thoughtful at another time of year.

It is meant to be about knowing and valuing people you care about.

Feeling bad about not getting them anything so you end up buying them stuff to.

Nope, if I've told them I'm not buying then I'm not buying.

I can't control others, I can only control myself.

Its true. What you say is true. And in that moment im the same. Then I feel bad and end up buying gifts for them all. 🤦🏻‍♀️

this is the Martin Lewis video - hope it loads!

This is (slightly!) lighthearted, but the one nugget from an episode of SATC which stuck in my mind, as a single person, is the single person tax. All that money you spend, over the years:

Outfits, shoes, accommodation, presents - both for hen do’s and weddings

Birthday presents for kids of friends

Christmas presents for kids of friends

Christening gifts

I have definitely forked out more than I’ve “received”. And it’s not about clawing it back, I don’t give to receive. Hence it being a huge help that small family is now sensible re Xmas gifts - we don’t do them and save our money for a nice meal or experience when we’re able to meet up.

Sorry, so you were annoyed that your SIL thought it was a good idea? You expected her to spend out on the kids, but that she would never receive anything as she didn’t have any children? That’s a bit grabby don’t you think?

I have also never understood why we ask what people want before buying the gift…. surely giving a gift should be a surprise ?? otherwise why bother wrapping it !!
it’s totally pointless to spend an exact amount of money on someone to receive the same in return knowing full well what they have bought 🤷‍♀️ just buy yourself it when you actually need/want it … gifts at christmas is for kids … christmas should be about getting together with family and friends and having fun… the whole point is for ‘santa’ to give gifts which us adults know full well doesn’t exist

Your first sentence doesn’t make any sense. My SIL thought it was a bad idea. Anyway, we weren’t being grabby. It was up to her whether or not she bought for her nieces and nephews. No expectations from me other than adults stopping buying each other a load of old junk. If she had said that meant she wasn’t going to buy for the children anymore, fair enough. I just couldn’t be arsed with a grown adult pulling a sad face because she wouldn’t be receiving a bath bomb and some slipper socks. Most aunties and uncles buy for their nieces and nephews without any expectations of something in return. I did it before I had any children myself. Grabby little gits.

I didn't vote because I agree re. pointless stuff but wouldn't want to stop altogether.

We do still have things we want or need, and in our family we limit it to the core people (i.e. parents and children) and cap the spend per person at £50.

Each person makes a list of what they want/need, usually about 25 things, then we pick something from the list buy them. Nobody gets any more than 4 or 5 things, but they don't know which of the 25 items they'll get so there is still an element of surprise, and at least you know it's something they actually want and will get used.

The joy on my adult son's face when he opened a long-sought-after gift one year, thinking he was never going to find one, made it such a pleasure to find, and to give!

We still manage to make Christmas a happy time for giving, to everyone.

I couldn't agree more OP. My family agreed godchildren only, because there were 7 kids in the family and it was too much on everyone, particularly sibling who doesn't have kids. But ILs said no way, and continued to buy for all my kids. This lead to a situation where DD and DS get equal presents from SIL but DS only gets a present from my DSis, leaving DD out. Which became awkward as they are twins and also annoyed me because I had to deal with it constantly.

DHs family send out a wishlist every year which is a lovely idea and is usually is suggestions like gloves, a book etc but there might have one specific item that has a link. Each year without fail one of DHs siblings will claim whatever item has a link attached, usually within about 5 mins of the message being sent. Never ever have they put thought into anything. We are all relatively well off and need very little so the cost is of little relevance and the thought is much more important.

I also have a trio of friends where they started buying presents for my DC (I was first to have children) and it's still going on. I've asked many times that we leave it but they still insist and a pointless exchange of vouchers goes on. When I suggested we don't reciprocate DH was annoyed. We are in a better position financially and he feels it would look tight to not return the favour. The truth is because we have enough money we can't say it's too expensive because it will be considered stingy. My family and some friends don't distinguish between frugal and mean, one family member could suggest incredibly expensive wine for example and if i say its expensive I will be told that I have plenty money and they don't see the problem.

i dont buy pointless gifts

That’s what you think.

Me and dh have both stopped exchanging gifts with our siblings and BILs/SILs and all just buy for each other's children instead. We still all exchange gifts with our parents though which is a nice balance.
(Probably wouldn't make much of a difference if you just have one or two siblings but we both are from big families.)