To want the pointless exchange of presents to stop

[UneasyMe]

Not for kids. For adults. The shopping ruins the otherwise lovely run-up to Christmas day every single year. I’ve tried to stop it a few times but my family resists. WHY? None of us needs any more stuff! We just need time, and peace.

Same! Ours includes lists that people put together with ideas of things they actually want instead of buying last minute tat

I only buy for dh and adult dd . No one else. It is so liberating

W haven’t bought presents for years. Not even me and DH. It’s utter bliss.

£150 secret Santa?! How does that resolve anything?! Instead of £10 of shit I’ve got £150 of shit!

We need this thread every September to remind a few more people to send the opting out message. Too late now. The Boots 3 for 2 sets of Bayliss and Harding are on the shelves. The Best Dad socks. The Velvetiser gift packs. The giant eyeshadow palettes.

Opted out many years ago and yes I’m smug about it.

Can’t you specify what you want for that budget? Wouldn’t you then end up with something you actually want ?

I've gradually whittled my present exchanging over the years and now it's manageable. I buy presents for my adult DC as I don't have grandchildren. If grandchildren appear, I'll buy for them instead. I buy for my best friend and one very close relative. My DP doesn't 'do' Christmas at all so we don't swap presents then, but he gives me thoughtful gifts any time he sees something I need or would like. One year, I had a really tough time and suggested to one friend that we skipped exchanging presents and just sent cards. She emailed me and ended the friendship.

We’ve done this for years. It’s liberating! Only the kids get presents. Too much stuff. ‘Stuffification’. It’s about being together. I do provide a little game for everyone after dinner where we trade/steal a few silly gifts which is fun. I provide those gifts.

You don't need presents in order to enjoy yourself.

So I am team presents. But not over the top expensive
I love choosing and giving presents. Certainly avoiding tat wherever possible but, for example,theatre tickets, restaurant vouchers and all sorts of charity donations- this year from adopting a toilet in Sudan to getting a rose planted in a National Trust property- are fun for me to seek out, and hopefully not to onerous to receive.

We've not done adult presents on my side for years and it's brilliant. SIL tried to bring them back a few years ago but we squashed it.

On DH's side they used to go crazy. First Christmas there was the first time I'd known adults have stockings and it was excruciating. I had 30 separate things to unwrap. They've gradually dialled it right down and this was SIL on that side has suggested stopping. Hurrah.

They sound like lovely presents and you enjoy buying so it's not onerous for you. Would you mind if the other person (who perhaps finds present buying stressful) didn't buy anything for you? If not, then it should suit you both and be the perfect solution - you buy for her and she doesn't buy for you - but I can't imagine how anyone would think that was fair!

so no presents once the kids have grown up, or before you even have kids?
i would not like that
but i dont have a huge family

tbh i tend to buy my dsis home made jam or something

Yes, exactly that. It's so much less stress.

DH might want to keep buying for our own DC once they reach 18. I don't really mind if he does but they will never have the expectation, stress and hassle of buying for us. Which vastly improves my life and hopefully theirs too

I have stopped buying Christmas presents for family and friends and told them to do the same. Fed up of exchanging things we will never use. Drives me nuts every year. Some family comply with this, others don’t. However I am standing firm and not engaging in the tat exchange. I hate this aspect of Christmas and it is so unnecessary.

Solidarity, Op...I have the same situation with DH's enormous family. We're the only ones who aren't wealthy. We've suggested that we stop adult presents, and were informed by the matriarchal sister that wouldn't be happening, which really annoyed me. Even though we limit how much we spend (they all spend way more than we do) it still adds up to a lot because there so many of them (and they've bred like rabbits, so tons of kids to buy for too).

Glad it's not just me!

So now that we have kids it's all about them and we have started doing secret Santa with the grown ups! Io my side it's between siblings and partners with £20 budget. On DH side his parents and sibling and partner do it with a budget of £40.

We all really enjoy it! We use a website called draw names and you can add a wish list on there, so we all know that we're going to get a gift that we actually want and we are buying something that we know that actually want too! We put mix of things on the wish list usually so there's still an element of surprise with what you're getting.

I’ve really cut back. I don’t want more ‘stuff’ in my house. My adult DCs have very specific tastes so I buy them exactly what they want- or send them money.
The things I need are quite specific too such as new bras!
Sometimes it’s nice to unwrap gifts but I’m not feeling it this year for various reasons.
I think it’s completely different if you have young children who believe in Father Christmas. It’s a totally different feeling and exciting.

I love giving and receiving presents, all sounds a bit sad to me

100% agree. present bloat is a real thing, and like you, I've not been fully successful in getting rid of it.

All I want is people to only give presents to those they actually want to give a present to. People they love enough to put the effort in to thinking about and trying really hard to get a gift for. If that is only 2-3 people, fine, great.. those should be all the gifts you give/receive.

My problem is that people feel obliged to give gifts, so they either do one of two things:

They either ask/give detailed product-specific lists..
Or they buy random tat with no thought.

The second is awful in terms of waste and leads to unwanted presents and unnecessary spending. So family's try and solve it by moving to the first, which does end up avoiding people getting presents that they don't want, but it takes away the genuine care/effort that goes into thinking of, researching and finding a great gift. It automates the process to a pretty robotic action that can be as quick as a couple of clicks on amazon. At that point, what is the point? It is no longer a manifestation of care at all. You are just a sliver of the effort away from just giving them cash and letting them order it themselves.

I buy DH and MIL a few practical bits and that’s it. Only MIL gets a card. . We go out for a meal now at the end of January as a group instead.

We do the same thing in our family. We started doing this in 2013, and it's a lot simpler. We all agree a budget, and we all put in a wish list to give other people an idea of stuff that's actually wanted. It is still fun - if you have different things on the list, you won't know what you're getting, but at least you know it is something that you want/will use. Plus it's less tat, less waste, less stress (and less to wrap!) you save money - not everyone can afford to spend hundreds or thousands on Xmas presents for all, but a one off spend of £30 is more achievable.

It does seem pointless and even worse than that, when you look at families where there are very uneven incomes amongst the relatives. Poor people expected to buy expensive gifts for rich siblings who already have everything, and receiving expensive gifts in return when they'd much rather just hang onto their own much-needed money.

My advice is to meet up for enjoyable meals or parties at some stage during the season, but don't bother with presents except for children.

We only gift to children at Christmas bar giving my parents/in laws a calendar made up of the kids pictures taken over the course of the year. If they didn’t ask that we do that then we wouldn’t give to any grown ups.
As a family that rule was brought in by everyone once the last sibling had children. I wouldn’t have a clue what to buy them and they have enough money to buy the things that they want/need.